Text 5. Shyness is a Common Social Problem

Shyness means to feel a little scared when you're around other people. Just about everybody feels shy sometimes. If you're the new kid in class or your great-aunt Betty wants to give you a big hug, it can make you feel shy.

Nobody sits around and says, "Well, I think I'll be shy today." It is just something that happens. It can just sneak up on you. You might feel fine practicing your soccer kicks, but you feel nervous when the coach comes over to give you a few pointers.

But being shy isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's OK if it takes you a while to feel comfortable with new people and new situations. In fact, it can even be helpful to be a little shy. When you're shy, you may spend a little extra time observing the scene before jumping right into it. And you're unlikely to talk to strangers, which you shouldn't do anyway!

What causes shyness? Some kids are born shy and more sensitive. Sometimes even babies act shy. Have you ever seen a baby hide his or her face from a stranger? On the other hand, another baby might kick, smile, and wave at everyone, even strangers.

But if you weren't shy as a little kid, it's still possible to be a shy person. You might have learned to be shy because of experiences you've had at school or home. And sometimes you only feel shy for a short while, like the first time you get on a new school bus. This type of shyness often goes away after you get adjusted. For instance, after a few days, you'll probably have a seat you like to sit in and you'll get to know friends on the bus.

Sometimes, people become so shy, that they are afraid to do simple things in life. For example, they won't go to a restaurant because they are too nervous to order and pay for their food. Some people are so shy about meeting new people that they rarely go outside. Doctors and psychologists often can help the person work through this kind of shyness.

If your shyness is keeping you from doing stuff you want to do, talk to someone about it. Parents, teachers, counselors, and doctors are all good people to turn to. Talking about your shyness may help you get over it. Or your friends or parents may tell you that they, too, have the same shy feelings and what they do to feel less shy. If you still feel really shy, your relatives or friends might take you to see a psychologist. He or she can help you figure out how to feel more at ease around people.

If you know someone who's shy, try to help the person feel less nervous. Name-calling or teasing will make your friend feel even more shy, so try not to do it. The more time you spend with the person, the less shy he or she will feel around you. You might even tell him or her about a time that you felt shy. It will help your friend to understand that everyone feels shy sometimes, even you!

Shyness stretches across a wide continuum from reasonable defensiveness and caution in new settings to total isolation and loneliness at the other extreme. The symptoms of shyness may vary for different people, but include these four primary dimensions: physical/physiological (bodily arousal that shows up in palpitations, muscle tension, sweating, blushing); cognitive (negative thoughts about self and relationships to others); affective (negative feeling states, anxiety, fear, distress), and behavioral (lack of social skills, inaction, defensive posture, gaze avoidance, not smiling, avoidance of social contacts and settings, and failure to initiate appropriate response).

You need to be concerned about shyness when it begins to interfere with your daily functioning in undesirable ways, inhibits acting in your best interest, keeps you from putting your best foot forward, or seizing opportunities and challenges. Shyness can go beyond not having friends or a happy social life, it can affect your career and your health as well. The good news is that there is a lot you can do to overcome, reduce, or minimize your shyness and to prevent it from imprisoning your children.

Shyness is most likely to occur during unfamiliar situations, though in severe cases it may hinder an individual in his or her most familiar situations and relationships as well. Shy individuals avoid the objects of their apprehension in order to avoid feeling uncomfortable and inept, thus the situations remain unfamiliar and the shyness perpetuates itself. Shyness may fade with time (a child who is shy toward strangers, for instance, may eventually lose this trait when older and more socially adept), or may be an integrated, life-long character trait.

The condition of true shyness may simply involve the discomfort of difficulty in knowing what to say in social situations, or may include crippling physical manifestations of uneasiness. Shyness usually involves a combination of both symptoms, and may be quite devastating for the sufferer, in many cases leading them to feel that they are boring.

Instinctive behavioural traits in social situations such as smiling, easily producing suitable conversational topics, assuming a relaxed posture and making good eye contact, which come spontaneously for the average person, may not be second nature for a shy person, requiring struggle or being completely unattainable.