Другие знаки препинания

1) Для обозначения прерванного или незаконченного предложения, когда в русском языке употребляется многоточие, в английском языке ставится тире:

He said: “We have been at sea for a long time – I think, for 3 or 4 days.” – Он сказал: «Мы находились в море долгое время… я думаю – 3 или 4 дня».

2) Вступительные кавычки, в отличие от русского языка, ставятся не внизу, а на уровне верхнего среза строки, т.е. так же как и заключительные кавычки:

They said, “The ship has just arrived.”

3) Двоеточие ставится перед цитатой или перед длинным текстом прямой речи:

In their Manifesto of the Communist Party K.Marx and F.Engels wrote: “A spectre is haunting Europe – the spectre of Communism.” – В своем Манифесте Коммунистической партии К.Маркс и Ф.Энгельс писали: «Призрак бродит по Европе - призрак коммунизма».

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Supplement

Practice section

(do&do&do)

Exercises

(see answers below)

Beginner

Exercise 1

Complete the following sentences with one word, when necessary

1) We live _________ London.

2) I work ___________ the afternoon.

3) Do you work ________ night?

4) I start school __________eight o’clock.

5) We don’t have school ________ Saturday.

6) I do my homework ________ five o’clock to seven o’clock.

7) Tom plays ________ the drums.

8) I listen _______ the radio every day.

9) When _______ you have dinner on weekdays?

10) I go ________ home at six o’clock.

11) _______ Mary get up at five o’clock every day?

12) Joe arrives ________ the bank at eight o’clock.

Exercise 2

Change the following sentences into negative.

Example: We live in a house – We don’t live in a house.

1) You have lunch at half past one.

2) We play tennis on Wednesdays.

3) Jane goes to work at quarter to seven.

4) They do their homework in the kitchen.

5) My brother collects stamps.

6) I bought a new car yesterday.

7) Fred can swim fast.

8) Jack had dinner at eight on Sunday.

Exercise 3

Complete the following sentence with one word, when necessary.

1) The films _________ not good yesterday.

2) Were you _________ school last week?

3) I _______ a dog when I was a little boy.

4) I didn’t like the film, _______ it was bad.

5) Yesterday I worked ________ twelve hours.

6) His brother fell _________ a house last year.

7) Tom was in bed __________ last month.

8) I met __________ Jane on Monday.

9) My father worked in Africa six years _________.

10) Did they ________ the dog to the vet?

Exercise 4

Complete the following story with the words given at the end.

When Mr. Jones went to a restaurant one day, he left his coat 1) ______ the door. 2) ________ was nothing in the pockets of the coat when he left 3) _________ , so he was very surprised 4) _______ he took his coat after his meal and found the pockets full 5) _________ jewellery! There was a waiter near the door, so Mr. Jones said to him, ‘Somebody has made a mistake. He 6) ________ put some jewellery in my coat. Take it, and when he comes back, give it to him.’ The waiter took it and went 7) ________. Suddenly another man came in 8) ______ a coat just like Mr. Jone’s. ‘I am sorry’, said this man. ‘I 9) ________ a mistake. I took your coat 10) ________ you have got mine. Please give me my coat and jewellery.’ Mr. Jones answered, ‘I gave the jewellery to the waiter. He 11) _______ give it to you.’ Mr. Jones called the manager of the restaurant; 12) _______ the manager said, ‘We have no waiters here. We 13) _______ have waitresses.’ ‘You gave the jewellery to a thief!’ shouted the other man. ‘I’ll call the police!’ Mr. Jones was frightened and 14) _______ the man a lot of money 15) ________ the jewellery.

Made – and – of – it – for

With – away – near – but – has

Only – paid – there – will – when

Exercise 5

Complete the following story with the words given at the end.

Nasreddin put two big baskets 1) _______ grapes on his donkey and went to market. At midday 2) _______ was very hot, 3) __________ he stopped in the shade of a big tree. There were several other men 4) _________, and all of them had donkeys and baskets of grapes 5) __________. 6) _________ their lunch they went to sleep. After 7) _________ time, Nasreddin began to take grapes out of the up other men’s baskets and to put them in his. Suddenly one 8) ________ the men woke up and saw him. ‘What 9) __________ you doing?’ he said angrily. ‘Oh,’ said Nasreddin, ‘don’t worry about 10) ________ . I am half mad, 11) ______ I do a lot of strange things.’ ‘Oh, really?’ said the other man. ‘Then why don’t you 12) _________ take grapes 13) _________ of your baskets and put 14) ________ in somebody else’s baskets?’ ‘You did not understand me,’ said Nasreddin. ‘I said 15) _______ I was half mad, not quite mad.’

Them – and – so – there – it

Some – me – that – after – sometimes

Too – of – of – are – out

Exercise 6

Complete the following sentences with one word, when necessary.

1) I _________ got two brothers.

2) __________ old is your mother?

3) I haven’t got Maths ___________ Tuesday.

4) _________ is a cinema in our street.

5) Where is your father _________ from?

6) Our house is next _________ the river.

7) Can I buy postcards _________ the bookshop?

8) They have got a house ___________ our village.

9) ________ Mandy got a pet?

10) I must go ________ the toilet.

11) Mandy and Tom are __________ France today.

12) Are _________ museums in your town?

Exercise 7

Complete the following sentences with one word, when necessary.

1) Mr. Jones is ________ dentist.

2) Jane gets up ________ six o’clock.

3) We are at school __________ the morning.

4) They don’t live ________ Liverpool.

5) Do you listen _________ the radio?

6) They work __________ the evening.

7) What do you do in your ________ time?

8) I do my homework _______ five o’clock to six o’clock.

9) When do they ______ lunch?

10) Jane watches TV _______ Saturday.

11) You can buy pens _________ the bookshop.

12) _________ is a swimming pool between the café and the cinema.

13) The museum is _______ to our house.

14) Jane ________ got Science on Monday.

Exercise 8

Complete the following story with the words given at the end.

There was a big garden near Nasreddin’s house, and it 1) __________ a lot of fruit trees in it. One day Nasreddin saw 2) _________ beautiful apples on one 3) _______ them. He went home and 4) ________ a ladder, put it against the high wall of the garden and climbed 5) _________ . Then he pulled the ladder up, put it down on the 6) _________ side, and climbed down into the garden. Just 7) ________ a gardener came round a corner and saw 8) ________ . ‘What are you doing here?’ he shouted. Nasreddin thought 9) _______ and then said, ‘I am selling my ladder,’ ‘Selling your ladder? In 10) ______ else’s garden? Do you think I believe 11) __________ a stupid story?’ said the gardener and came towards Nasreddin 12) _________ a stick. ‘It is my ladder,’ said Nasreddin, ‘and I can sell 13) _________ where I like. You needn’t buy it 14) __________ you don’t want to.’ And he took his ladder 15) _________ climbed over the wall again.

Quickly – it – had – if – of

With – and – then – somebody – got

Him – such – up – some – other

Exercise 9

Complete the following story with the words given at the end.

Nasreddin woke up in the 1) _________ of the night and saw 2) __________ white in his garden. It seemed to be moving 3) _______ the house. ‘That is a thief!’ he 4) _________ , and he took his gun and shot at him. 5) _________ he went back to bed, 6) ________ he was too frightened to go out 7) __________ the house in the dark. The next morning Nasreddin 8) _______ out and saw one of his white shirts hanging 9) __________ the clothes-line in the garden. His wife 10) _______ washed it the day before and hung it out to dry. Now it had a bullet-hole right 11) ______ the middle of it. ‘My God,’ said Nareddin, ‘I was lucky 12) _______ night. If I had been wearing 13) _________ shirt, the bullet would have killed me!’ And he called 14) _________ neighbors together and asked 15) _________ to thank God for saving him.

Of – then – last – through – because

Went – thought – middle – on – them

Towards – that – had – his – something

Exercise 10

Put the verbs in the following story into the correct tense: Present Simple, Present Continuous, Past Simple or Past Continuous.

Yesterday I (meet) my friend, Tom in the street. First he (not see) me because he (look) at a shop window, but when I (stand) in front of him, he (be) very happy.

“What you (do) here?” I (ask) him.

“I (visit) my cousin. You (know), he (work) at the post office.” He (answer).

“And how is your wife?”

“Thanks, she’s OK now. She (find) a new job last month, and now she (earn) more than I (do).”

“Oh, really? But why she (need) a new job? She (not like) the office?”

“Two months ago her boss (leave) the company, and they (not like) each other with her new boss. While she (look) for a new job, she (meet) one of her old school friends, who (want) a new secretary. He (give) her the job immediately! Her only problem is that she (have to) travel three quarters of an hour every day to get to work.” “But why she (not go) to work by car? You (not have) two cars when we (meet) last time?”

“Yes, we (do). But three weeks ago I (have) an accident. I (drive) home from work when another car (crash) into me. I (be) lucky that I (not have to) go to hospital, because he (drive) at 70 mph.”

“You (be) really very lucky then, I (have to) go back to work now. It (be) nice to meet you.”

“Yes, and (not forget) to give us a ring when you’re in Brixton. You (must come) and (visit) us.”

“OK, thanks. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Exercise 11

In some of the following sentences, the tenses Present Simple and Present Continuous are used incorrectly. Find which sentences are grammatically wrong and correct them.

1) I’m wanting a new car now.

2) Do you read fantasy books?

3) This cheese is smelling very bad.

4) Is your mother sleeping?

5) They don’t stay at the Hilton.

6) My brother isn’t liking dogs.

7) Are you eating vegetables?

8) Do you read the book “Rich man, poor man”?

9) I’m not hearing the TV.

10) Are you coming with us?

11) His mother is washing up.

Exercise 12

Put the following sentences in the correct tense (Present Simple, Present Continuous, Past Simple or Past Continuous).

1) Which film you (watch) when your father (come) into the room?

2) Your mother always (get up) at half past five?

3) We (go) to see “Star Wars – Episode 1” yesterday, but we (not like) it.

4) When you last (meet) Mary?

5) You (sleep) while I (talk) to you?

6) Mandy always (listen) to her teacher?

7) Look! Where Jill (take) her dog?

8) I (open) the door and (see) that Tom (wash up).

9) Jane (know) that I (love) her. Then why she (do) this to me all the time?

10) Frank (read) the newspaper when Jane (break) the window.

11) Jim (break) his arm at school, and the teacher (send) him to the hospital, but he not (go) to the hospital, because he not (like) doctors.

Exercise 13

Complete the following story with the words given below.

Mrs. Robinson 1) _________ seemed to be ill and unhappy. She often 2) ________ painful headaches, and medicines did not seem to make her any 3) _________ , so at last her husband took her 4) ________ a good doctor. The doctor examined her carefully 5) _______ asked her a lot 6) ________ questions. Then he suddenly put his arms 7) ________ her and gave her a big kiss. Mrs. Robinson 8) ________ once looked better and happier. ‘You see?” said the doctor 9) _______ her husband. ‘That is 10) ________ she needs. I suggest 11) ______ she has the same thing 12) ________ Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday,’ and he smiled.

‘Well,’ said Mr. Robinson, ‘I can bring 13) ________ on Tuesdays and Thursdays, 14) ________ not on Saturdays, 15) _________ I always go sailing on that day.’

Words to be used:

Better – because – every – of – to

Always – that – at – around – and

Her – to – but – all – had

Exercise 14

Choose the word or expression that best completes each sentence.

1) (Does/Is/Do) your father have breakfast at home?

2) What (is/do/are) those girls looking at?

3) My brother never (doesn’t sleep/sleep/ sleeps) in the afternoon.

4) Can Mary (plays / playing / play) tennis?

5) Tom (doesn’t like / isn’t liking / don’t likes) dogs.

6) Jim (work /is work / works) in a factory.

7) We can’t (help / helping / to help) you.

8) (Are / is / Does) Jane having a shower?

9) I (wanting / want / am wanting) a new car now.

10) Henry (washing / doesn’t washing /is washing) his car.

11) (Are you having / Do you have / Do you having) a headache?

12) Where (is Mandy going / do Mandy go / does Mandy going)?

Exercise 15

Put the verbs in the following sentences into the Present Continuous or the Present Simple. Make all the necessary changes.

1) You (like) Japanese cars?

2) I not (watch) TV now.

3) Where Jack (take) that book?

4) Jane (live) in Coventry.

5) We not (work) at night.

6) Your sister (have) dinner at home every evening?

7) They (believe) my story.

8) My brother never (drive) a car.

9) Your always (do) your homework?

10) I not (write) books.

11) They not (play) football now.

12) Jill not (like) cats.

Exercise 16

Complete the following sentences with one word, when necessary.

1) Tom was born ________ 2^nd July.

2) I don’t know anything about _____ photography.

3) I’m looking forward ________ meeting you.

4) They spoke to Jane _______ other day.

5) My brother always buys _________ lot of presents.

6) We met Johnny ________ Scotland.

7) I don’t want to go ________ train.

8) Do you play _______ piano?

9) Please don’t ________ to give Fred fresh water every day.

10) ________ are a lot of pets in England.

11) I like ________ by plane.

12) I prefer _________ tennis to _________ football.

13) Not everybody believes _______”Nessie”.

14) We’re going to America ________ April

15) Take the second _______ on the left.

Exercise 17

Complete the following sentences with one word, when necessary.

1) I usually get up _______ six o’clock.

2) How ________ do you visit your grandparents?

3) _________ you like to go to Ireland?

4) The two girls looked at _______ another.

5) How ________ visitors did you have?

6) I finished school a ______ of years ago.

7) _________ about taking a bus?

8) John’s father is ________ doctor.

9) We don’t go to ________ cinema very often.

10) My father doesn’t like ________ cats.

11) I had ________ farm in Africa.

12) We’ve got _______ of tea.

Exercise 18

Complete the following sentences with the correct preposition.

1) Frank visited America ______ the summer.

2) My father works _______ night.

3) John’s son was born ________ 1984.

4) We have lessons _______ eight o’clock _______ eleven o’clock.

5) I often sleep _________ the afternoon.

6) Jill arrived _________ Monday.

7) They don’t start school ________ nine.

8) I first met Jane _______ January.

9) We had two world wars _______ the 20^th century.

10) I don’t work ______ the morning.

Exercise 19

Complete the following sentences with the correct preposition.

1) Mary lives ________ England.

2) Do you like working ________ home?

3) What can you see ______ the picture?

4) Let’s go _______ the cinema.

5) There are two cups _______ the table.

6) We arrived ________ the airport late.

7) Can you come _____ my office tomorrow?

8) They were _______ London yesterday.

9) We live _________ a quiet street.

10) I bought these postcards _______ the bookshop.

Exercise 20

Read the definitions and find the words that all begin with “b”.

The number of letters is indicated wit dots (.).

Example:

You can read it – b … - book

1) a house, church or school – b ………….

2) it is built over a river for people to cross – b………………

3) you can keep water in it – b…………..

4) all the things you take when traveling – b………….

5) the part of the seashore where you can swim – b…………

6) a vehicle you can sit on – b……………

7) you cover yourself with it in bed – b…………

8) you have it in the morning – b………….

9) you can put your things in it – b…………..

10) it’s on your trousers, around your waist – b………

Exercise 21

Create nouns from the following verbs:

Example: direct – direction

1) apply

2) introduce

3) agree

4) arrive

5) describe

6) advertise

7) begin

8) believe

9) discuss

10) choose

Exercise 22

Find the pairs in the two columns below.

1) dark – A) cool

2) beautiful – B) high

3) quick – C) weak

4) large – D) happy

5) sad – E) rich

6) poor – F) dirty

7) clean – G) small

8) strong – H) near

9) warm – I) expensive

10) low – J) show

11) far – K) plain

12) cheap – L) light

Exercise 23

Match the words with the right school subjects.

History:

Maths:

Literature:

Geography:

1) add 2) execution 3) king 4) climate 5) novel 6) law 7) divide 8) fiction 9) rhyme 10) forest 11) equal 12) society 13) multiply 14) island 15) prime minister 16) river 17) short story 18) continent 19) abstract 20) poem

Exercise 24

In the following lists, one word in each list doesn’t fit in. Which one?

1) bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, balcony, study, dining room

2) table, spoon, chair, bed, shelf, desk

3) journalist, secretary, scientist, inventor, poem, composer

4) trumpet, leather, rubber, cotton, metal, wood

5) excellent, lazy, perfect, pleasant, terrific, clever

6) cinema, shop, theatre, school, street, hospital

7) yoghurt, cheese, bread, butter, margarine, cream

8) ham, potato, cabbage, carrot, bean, lettuce

9) beer, lemonade, wine, milk, coffee, toast

10) terrible, beautiful, dirty, boring, crazy, stupid

Exercise 25

Where do you find the following things? You can put one word in more than one category.

Kitchen: ___________

Bedroom: __________

Garden: ___________

Bathroom: __________

Study: ___________

1) bed 2) mirror 3) lawnmower 4) tap 5) desk 6) rug 7) pencil 8) toothbrush 9) bath-tub 10) vegetables 11) rake 12) knife 13) curtain 14) plants 15) chair 16) pan 17) spade 18) towel 19) blanket 20) scissors

Exercise 26

Find the following words based on the definitions. There are always as many dots (.) as many letters in the word.

Buildings:

1) you go here if you need money - ……………

2) we can see sports event here - ………….

3) when you need a book, you can find it here - ………….

4) doctors and nurses work here - ……………

5) you can see actors in plays here - …………….

Things in the kitchen:

1) you can cut things with it - …………

2) water comes out of - ………..

3) you put the dishes in it to wash them - ……………

4) you eat soup with it - …………

5) it keeps our food cool - ……….

Exercise 27

What are these things made of? You can put a word in more than one category.

Rubber:

Wood:

Metal:

Plastic:

Leather:

Glass:

1) shoe 2) car 3) chair 4) fork 5) computer 6) jacket 7) bath tub 8) pen 9) school bag 10) bottle 11) slippers 12) belt 13) pencil 14) mirror 15) suitcase 16) sink 17) pencil case 18) swimming cap 19) desk 20) televison

Exercise 28

Read these sentences about people, and find out what job they do.

1) They serve you in restaurants.

2) They help you when you have problems with your teeth.

3) They work in schools and give you homework.

4) They repair your car when you have a problem with it.

5) They protect us from criminals, they catch them and put them in prison.

6) They help you when you are ill.

7) They make plans for houses to be built.

8) They sell you meat, sausages and ham.

9) They play in theatres and films.

10) They write music.

11) They sell you their bread, rolls and croissant.

12) They repair taps and water pipes.

Exercise 29

Match the two halves of the sentences below.

1) A cook works in…….. – A) a church

2) A journalist works in……… - B) a newspaper office

3) A secretary works in………. – C) the opera

4) A priest works in………… - D) a bank

5) A farmer works in……….. – E) a flower shop

6) A lorry driver works in……….. – F) the street

7) A cashier works in……….. – G) courts

8) A greengrocer works in……… - H) a TV studio

9) An announcer works in…….. – I) a kitchen

10) A musician works in………… - J) a shop

11) A lawyer works in……….. – K) the fields

12) A florist works in………… - L) an office

Exercise 30

Which part of a flat or house is this?

1) You can cook your dinner here.

2) We clean our teeth in this room.

3) You sleep in this room.

4) This is the room you first enter in a house or a flat.

5) It’s outside the flat; you can look down into the street from here.

6) You can keep your food in this usually small room.

7) We usually work or do our homework in this room.

8) You have breakfast and dinner here.

9) You watch TV or receive guests in this room.

10) It’s right below the roof; you don’t live here, only keep things here.

Exercise 31

Find the word that doesn’t fit in.

1) wall, floor, window, bedroom, door

2) garden, house, balcony, gate, fence

3) roof, chimney, tiles, doorbell, wallpaper

4) cellar, ceiling, roof, attic, lamp

5) couch, desk, sofa, bed, armchair

6) fireplace, sink, dishwasher, toaster, freezer

7) lock, handle, gate, door, staircase

8) cupboard, wardrobe, drawer, pantry, window

9) curtain, shelf, lamp, carpet, doorbell

10) bed, mirror, bathtub, tap, toothbrush

Exercise 32

Read the definitions and find the words.

1) you have your eyes, nose and mouth here: H………

2) you live in it: H……….

3) when you’re ill, you go here: H………….

4) ninety-nine plus one: H……..

5) opposite of love: H……

6) it can be red, black or brown; old men sometimes don’t have it: H…….

7) opposite of sad: H……..

8) when you want to eat, you’re: H………

9) when you can’t do something, you need this: H…….

10) sixty minutes: H…….

Exercise 33

Complete the following sentences with words that begin with ‘H’.

1) We are on H………. in France.

2) My H…….. is a teacher; we got married last year.

3) It’s H……. past six.

4) Put on your H……..; it’s cold outside.

5) This H……… lesson is very interesting.

6) He has a strange H……: he collects Belgian beer bottles.

7) This pizza is too H…..; I can’t eat it now.

8) I must go H…… now; my children are waiting for me.

9) We stayed at a very nice H…… when we were in Italy last summer.

10) Wash your H…… before dinner, please.

Exercise 34

Find the pairs in these two columns:

Example: plain – ordinary

1) merry – A) usual

2) simple – B) strange

3) lovely – C) surprised

4) average – D) ordinary

5) awful – E) happy

6) plain – F) thin

7) broad – G) dirty

8) amazed – H) beautiful

9) dusty – I) strong

10) funny – J) wide

11) powerful – K) terrible

12) slim – L) plain

Exercise 35

Find the pairs in these two columns:

Example: tiny – handsome

1) lazy – A) deep

2) amusing – B) thick

3) bitter – C) modern

4) blunt – D) handsome

5) traditional – E) boring

6) shallow – F) stupid

7) cruel – G) busy

8) dusty – H) sweet

9) thin – I) clean

10) enormous – J) sharp

11) wise – K) kind

12) plain – L) smell

Exercise 36

Find the pairs in these two columns:

Example: damp – wet

1) cheerful – A) ordinary

2) good-looking – B) spicy

3) busy – C) amazed

4) level – D) big

5) hot – E) glad

6) certain – F) even

7) embarrassed – G) sour

8) bitter – H) engaged

9) common – I) handsome

10) damp – J) uncomfortable

11) enormous – K) sure

12) astonished – L) wet

Exercise 37

Read the following story. Three sentences are missing from it. At the end of the story, you’ll find four sentences – choose which three you need to complete the story, and where they fit in.

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mice, so she ran out of the house, got on a bus and went down to the shops.

1) ________ The shopkeeper said to her, ‘Put some cheese in it, and you will soon catch that mouse.’

2) _________ She did not want to go back to the shops, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.

3) __________ When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning, there was a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

A) Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful!

B) There she bought a mouse-trap.

C) The mouse-trap was quite expensive, but she bought it, because she wanted to catch that mouse.

D) The lady went home with her mouse-trap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it.

Exercise 38

Here’s a letter to a magazine. Put the sentences into the correct order.

1) I have also lost the magazine which the article was in.

2) Last year I saw an article in your magazine (I think it was in your magazine, but I am not sure) which interested me very much, but I have forgotten what it was.

3) David Williams.

4) Will you please send me another copy of the magazine, if it was your magazine?

5) Yours faithfully,

6) I wrote the name of the article and the magazine in my notebook after I had read it, but I have lost the notebook.

7) Dear Sirs,

8) Thank you very much.

Exercise 39

Some words are missing from the following text; they are given at the end. Put the words in the correct places.

A woman bank robber went to a bank and gave the teller a piece of 1) ________ with the words: “Give me all the 2) _________ , but don’t call the police or I’ll shoot you!” The bank teller was so 3) ________ that she started putting the money in a paper 4) _______ . But she was so afraid that she 5) ________ some money, because her hands were shaking. She was 6) ________ very slowly, and the bank robber 7) ________ impatient. She told the woman to do it 8) ________ , but she started crying. The bank robber became upset and 9) _________ out of the bank, with no money at all. She 10) ________ the street and walked into another bank. There the teller was not so frightened, and gave her all the money. Then she simply walked away with over 300,000 dollars.

Missing words:

Bag – dropped – frightened – paper – faster

Became – money – crossed – working – went

Exercise 40

Some words are missing from the following text; they are given at the end. Put the words in the correct places.

I was walking home from 1) ______ when I met my friend. He asked: “Can you 2) ______ me, please?” I said yes, and he 3) ______ me to go with him. We went to his 4) _______ and he drove to his 5) ________. He asked me to 6) _________ in his car while he was in the bank. He 7) ______ that a lot of cars are stolen every week from that 8) ________, and his car was new, so he was afraid of car 9) ______. I waited for him, and he 10) ________ very quickly. “You are lucky,” I told him. “When I 11) ______ to the bank, I always have to wait a lot.” “Yes,” he said, “I know. But it’s faster when you have a 12) _______ in your hand.” And he opened his bag – it was full of money!

Missing words:

Car – stay – street – go – help – thieves

Returned – pistol – work – bank – asked – said

Intermediate

Exercise 1

Finish each of the following sentences in such a way that it means exactly the same as the sentence printed before it.

Example: He stole some money and was arrested for it.

He was…

Answer: He was arrested for stealing some money.

1. They say Michael is very bad-tempered.

Michael…

2. We ought to leave for the station.

It’s…

3. Would you like me to phone John tonight?

I’ll…

4. She took some aspirin because she didn’t want to get a cold.

She took some aspirin so that…

5. Joan’s house still needs repainting.

Joan hasn’t…

6. It’s not necessary to tell Martha about our row.

Martha…

7. The last time I saw Angie was a year ago.

I haven’t…

8. Old Mrs. Martin would have been unable to climb these stairs.

Old Mrs. Martin could…

9. He discovered that he had lost his keys only when he got to the front. It wasn’t…

10. We had intended to go to France but went to Denmark instead.

Instead…

Exercise 2

Fill each of the numbered blanks in the following passage. Use only one word in each space.

Even 1 _______ I had never been to Ayleton 2 ________, when I first got 3 _____ from the coach near the town hall in the little market square I suddenly had the strangest 4 _______ that I 5 ______ knew the place. The old-style buildings in a mixture of wood and plaster looked somehow 6 ________, but 7 _______ really surprised me was the town hall 8 ________. There 9 ________ the wall was a round plaque 10 ________ a faded brown color 11 ________ information about a famous writer 12 _________ house the town hall had once been. 13 _______ was either the shape or the color 14 ________ stirred my memory because 15 ______ now came into my mind a picture from the past. I saw 16 ________ as a small child standing in the very 17 ______ spot, holding my father’s hand. He made a sudden angry sound and he walked 18 ______ quickly 19 ________ from the town hall and out of the square that I almost fell over trying to keep 20 ______ with him.

Exercise 3

Fill each of the numbered blanks in the following passage. Use only one word in each space.

One of the best-known fairy stories 1 _______ the world 2 _______ of a princess who, 3 _______ walking in the grounds of her father’s castle, saw a frog. He was sitting 4 __________ a large, flat leaf in a pond. When he saw her, his heart missed a 5 ______ because in his 6 ________ life he had 7 ________ before seen such a beautiful creature. She sat beside the pond, obviously very sad because large 8 ______ rolled down her 9 ________ and splashed into the water. 10 ______ that moment, and from then 11 ________ the frog was able to speak to her. Full 12 __________ sympathy, he encouraged her not to be 13 ________-hearted. Gradually his words gave her comfort, and every day she 14 ________ come and sit by the pond to discuss 15 ________ things with her new friend. The long and short of the story is that she 16 ___________ in love with him, and 17 ________ with her. And 18 ___________ one day she kissed him on the head, he, in a moment of magic, turned 19 _______ a handsome young man who 20 _________ soon to become her husband and live with her happily ever after.

Exercise 4

Finish each of the following sentences in such a way that it means exactly the same as the sentence printed before it.

Example: He stole some money and was arrested for it.

He was…

Answer: He was arrested for stealing some money.

1) Someone’s just given me an invitation to a party.

I…

2) Mark isn’t as clever as Ann is.

Ann…

3) She just can’t add up figures.

She’s hopeless…

4) I didn’t hear what he said because I was reading a fascinating book.

If I…

5) The train left and then I got to the station.

By the time…

6) I didn’t really want to go to the cinema.

I didn’t really feel…

7) You should have your eyes tested.

It’s about time…

8) I’m looking for something to wear to a party.

What…

9) ‘I must write to my parents soon,’ she said.

She told me that…

10) Someone might be repainting the house for us next year.

We…

Exercise 5

Complete the following sentences with one word, when necessary (in some cases more than one answer is correct).

1) I go to work ____________ train.

2) Terry doesn’t belong ________ our group any more.

3) I met Joe _________ the dance.

4) We haven’t seen him _______ a week.

5) They must do it, and the sooner ________ better.

6) Joe’s standing _______ the end of Victoria Road.

7) What ________ earth is the matter?

8) Why are you jealous ______ Joe?

9) You must tell _______ your mother about it.

10) Is this the book ________ you need?

11) I did everything _________ my own.

12) Don’t treat me _________ a child.

13) The film ________ we saw was boring.

14) Everybody laughed ________ Susan, because she looked so stupid.

15) I married ________ my wife in 1992.

Exercise 6

Put the verbs in brackets into the correct form. Make all the necessary changes.

1) I not (find) the answer yet.

2) Yesterday Jill (want) to meet Joe, but he (go) to England.

3) I (must) do my homework last Saturday in the morning, because I (decide) to go to a party in the evening.

4) You not (can) meet Frank tomorrow, because he (fly) to America later today.

5) I wish I (do) my homework yesterday.

6) All morning I (play) football while my sister (wash up).

7) When Jill (arrive) yesterday, Tom (sleep).

8) I not (go) to his party last night because he not (invite) me.

9) Jane (can) not find her keys in the morning because she (forget) where she (leave) them.

10) You (go) to the concert tomorrow?

Exercise 7

Fill each of the numbered blanks in the following passage. Use only one word in each space.

Research has 1 _______ that excessive music damages 2 ______ hearing. In fact, many young people now 3 ________ from deafness from regularly going to discos 4 ________ the level of noise is 5 _________ high that they have to shout to make themselves 6 _______ . Unfortunately, in spite 7 _________ modern technology, noise is very 8 _______ part of our modern world – planes 9 _______ overhead, traffic thundering 10 ________ busy roads, television, portable radios, all produce noise 11 ________ which we have become so accustomed that we hardly notice 12 _______ . In fact people going on country holidays have 13 _________ known to complain that it is 14 _________ quiet. They actually 15 _______ the noises they are used to in their daily lives. The problem is that noise, 16 _________ it does not necessarily cause deafness, causes stress and this 17 ______ in the long run prove harmful. However, the decision about more or 18 ___________ noise cannot be 19 _________ to scientists alone. It is 20 ________ to us to decide what kind of world we want to live in.

Exercise 8

Finish each of the following sentences in such a way that it means exactly the same as the sentence printed before it.

Example: He stole some money and was arrested for it.

He was…

Answer: He was arrested for stealing some money.

1) She said she was sorry she hadn’t finished her homework.

She apologized…

2) He left college four years ago.

It…

3) ‘Can you lend me five pounds, John?’ said Mary.

Mary asked…

4) The hotel was fully booked.

There…

5) It’s no use waiting any longer for the bus.

There’s no…

6) It isn’t necessary for you to go to all that trouble.

You…

7) Have you used all the coffee?

Isn’t…

8) I haven’t smoked for two years now.

I gave…

9) What is your father’s profession?

What does…

10) I like swimming.

I’m…

Exercise 9

Put the verbs in brackets into the correct form. Make all the necessary changes.

1) You (can’t see) Jack yesterday. He is out of town.

2) If you had been there, we (have) a good time.

3) By the time you (finish) work I (be) at the cinema for hours.

4) He (have) lunch tomorrow from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

5) I thought you had forgotten (come). I (wait) for you for two hours.

6) Why hasn’t this letter been written yet? It should (write) yesterday.

7) He said he (wait) since 4.

8) You ever (visit) Madame Tussaud’s?

9) While I (watch) TV, my brother (play) the piano.

10) I (buy) this house tow months ago.

11) Tom should (open) the door when he saw me.

12) I wish I (have) more money; now I can’t buy this dress.

13) If you (listen) to him, you would have learnt a lot.

14) Mary said they (go) to Italy next summer.

15) I am not used to (work) hard.

16) If they (arrive) on time, they’ll call us.

Exercise 10

Put the verbs in brackets into the correct form. Make all the necessary changes.

1) We wouldn’t have missed the train if you (get dressed) in time.

2) Jill (come) to the party if we had invited her.

3) If I hadn’t called Tom, I not (know) the results.

4) If you (go) to the concert, you would have enjoyed yourself.

5) What you (do) if I had failed you at the exam?

6) Where would Jane have gone if she (win) the first prize?

7) You (be) angry with me if I had forgotten about your birthday?

8) I wouldn’t have told you the truth if I not (have to).

9) They (give) me back my watch if they had found it.

Exercise 11

Choose the correct answer. Only one answer is correct.

1) ‘I have never eaten mutton.’ ‘________’

A) So have I B) Neither have I C) Nor I have D) Either have I

2) _________ English people like beer.

A) The most B) Most C) Most of D) The most of

3) I hope you _________ by my playing the violin.

A) were not to disturb B) are not disturbing

C) have not been disturbed D) did not disturb

4) You can take ________ orange.

A) two B) all C) either D) both

5) She’s recovered from her illness, _______ makes me very happy.

A) that B) what C) ------- D) which

6) Do you remember ________ Greg in Paris last year?

A) seeing B) see C) to have seen D) to see

7) His new watch cost far ________ than his old one.

A) more B) much C) most D) many

8) I wish I ______ younger.

A) had been B) would have been C) were D) have been

9) She said she _________ to me, but she didn’t.

A) would have written B) will have written C) will write D) would write

10) If he ________ lucky, he could get the job.

A) is B) had been C) would be D) would have been

Exercise 12

Finish each of the following sentences in such a way that it means exactly the same as the sentence printed before it.

Example: He stole some money and was arrested for it.

He was…

Answer: He was arrested for stealing some money.

1) It isn’t easy to study with the radio on.

Studying…

2) It was too cold for them to have the windows open.

It was so cold…

3) You paid more than was necessary for that dress.

You needn’t…

4) Does he really need to make such a noise?

Is it really…

5) He played better than anyone else in the competition.

No one else…

6) She was so angry that she couldn’t speak.

She was too…

7) The journey was so long that we felt tired when we arrived.

It was…

8) Laughing at other people’s misfortunes is unkind.

It is…

9) He was going to buy a house, but he didn’t have enough money.

If he’d…

10) We didn’t know you were coming, so we didn’t wait for you.

We’d have…

Exercise 13

Finish each of the following sentences in such a way that it means exactly the same as the sentence printed below it.

Example: He stole some money and was arrested for it.

He was…

Answer: He was arrested for stealing some money.

1) Peter arrived too late to see his cousin win the match.

Peter wasn’t early…

2) She would prefer you to buy a new car.

She’d rather…

3) I’ve never seen that girl here before.

It’s…

4) The only food she can’t eat is pickled onions.

She can eat…

5) Janet says she’s sorry she was late this morning.

Janet would…

6) Mr. Warden’s funeral took place last week.

Mr. Warden…

7) They paid more for their meal than they needed.

They needn’t….

8) ‘I don’t think you should carry all that money in your hip pocket, Alan,’ Margaret said.

Margaret advised…

9) The traffic was so heavy we went by underground.

It was…

10) Your only chance of getting a seat is to queue.

Unless…

Exercise 14

Fill each of the numbered blanks in the following passage. Use only one word in each space.

With a screeching of brakes, the car stopped outside the supermarket 1 _________ the bank. Three masked men leapt out and raced across the road to the bank which was 2 ________ opening. It was the early morning rush 3 __________ . Everyone was hurrying to work, so nobody in the street took 4 __________ notice. The men pushed their way into the bank, slamming the door 5 _________ them. Seconds 6 _________ the alarm went 7 _________. The men reappeared, dashed to their waiting car, 8 _________ the driver already had the engine 9 ________. They jumped in and the car took off, disappearing 10 _________ the corner at top 11 ______.

When the police arrived, they found two bank clerks shot in 12 ________ chest, the manager locked in his office, hammering 13 _________ the door and a third clerk 14 __________ unconscious on the floor. It was he 15 _________ had managed to sound the alarm 16 _______ he was hit on the head with a gun. The car was found 17 ________ in a side street but the robbers are 18 _________ at large. They got 19 ________ with 140,000 pounds in cash. The police have issued a description, but so 20 _________ no one has come forward to help them with their enquiries.

Exercise 15

Grammar explanation

Here are some English verbs that can be followed by ‘ing’ or ‘to+Infinitive’, but the meaning is different.

> remember + -ing = remember something that happened in the past

Examples:

- He’ll always remember visiting London for the first time in his life.

- I remember going for walks with my grandfather when I was young.

> remember + to + infinitive = not forget to do something

Examples:

- Remember to post these letters, please.

- I’ll remember to tell Tom the news.

Typical mistakes:

* Please remember doing your homework before you leave.

* I remember to see Mary yesterday.

> forget + -ing = forget something that happened in the past

Examples:

- I’ll never forget seeing the Queen.

- We can’t forget eating shrimps for the first time.

> forget + to + infinitive = forget about doing something that should be done

Examples:

- They always forget to give me my letters.

- I won’t forget to phone Mary.

Typical mistakes:

* Don’t forget writing to Mary.

* I’ll never forget to meet Michael Jackson when I was ten.

> stop + ing = not do something any more; finish

Examples:

- I think we should all stop smoking.

- He had to stop learning French because he had no time.

> stop + to + infinitive = stop because you want to do someting

Examples:

- Every half hour I stop to smoke a cigarette.

- When we heard the crash we decided to stop to see what it was.

Typical mistakes:

* You should stop to smoke because it’s bad for you.

* When his father arrived, John stopped saying hello to him.

> go on + -ing = continue doing what you’ve been doing.

Examples:

- Do you really want to go on playing football in this rain?

- He didn’t mind the noise; he just went on reading his book.

> go on + to + infinitive = continue with something different

Examples:

- After the introduction he went on to talk about his topic.

- When he finished his coffee, he went on to explain the new rules.

> try + to + infinitive = make an effort to do something

Examples:

- Try to work harder this year, please.

- We tried to move the washing machine, but it was too heavy.

> try + ing = do something as an experiment, to see what will happen

Examples:

- Have you tried driving in London?

- Why don’t you try using a hammer?

> regret + ing = be sorry about something that was in the past

Examples:

- I regret phoning John; it was a bad mistake.

- You’ll never regret buying this excellent machine.

> regret + to + infinitive = be sorry about to give bad news

Examples:

- I regret to tell you that your uncle died this morning.

- We regret to have to inform you that your services are no longer required.

Now do the exercise below.

Complete the following sentences with the given verbs in the correct form. You will have to use each twice.

Pay, close, work, complain, leave, tell, go, visit

1) I must remember ________ some money to pay for the repairs.

2) She just went on ________ about everything.

3) We mustn’t forget __________ Monique when we’re in Paris.

4) Please remember _________ the door when you go out.

5) I tried ________ in a department store, but it wasn’t a very good job.

6) I remember _________ the door, but I’m not sure that I locked it.

7) Oh dear! I think I forgot ______ the rent this month.

8) She complained about everything else, and then she went on ________ about the price.

9) I must remember _________ to the dentist on Wednesday.

10) I’ll never forget _______ Paris for the first time.

11) I really regret __________ everyone what happened. I should have kept it a secret.

12) I remember ________ to the dentist as a child.

13) You really must try ________ harder.

14) I remember ________ the money in the drawer, but it’s not there now.

15) I regret _______ you that there has been a serious accident.

16) I paid the electricity bill, but I don’t remember _________ the rent.

Exercise 16

Complete the following sentences with one word, when necessary.

1) How ________ are you staying here?

2) Please answer ________ their questions.

3) We want you _________ to do your homework now.

4) They will be with us _______ the next four weeks.

5) Mandy never helped _______ us.

6) Even I, _______ my age, go to the disco.

7) Do you attend ________ French classes?

8) What will we do ______ Saturday morning?

9) They don’t work, __________ they?

10) We visited _________ Lake Windermere last week.

11) We organized ________ lots of events last year.

12) Students in the Sixth Form often study _________ their own.

13) We _______ to go to the cinema a lot when we were young.

14) What subjects did you specialize _______?

15) Shakespeare was eighteen when he married _______ Anne Hathaway.

16) This book belongs _______ me.

Exercise 17

Put the verbs in the following sentences in the correct form. Sometimes there is more than one correct answer.

1) If you (give) me your cake, I (do) your homework for tomorrow.

2) They (play) tennis while their mother (cook) dinner.

3) You (have to) go to work when you (be) a little boy?

4) Mary (travel) to England tomorrow.

5) They (be) very happy when their parents (arrive) later today.

6) Look at those clouds in the sky – it (rain) soon!

7) She (not like) it if you (open) the window.

8) You (think) that Mary (come) to the disco tonight?

9) Jane (go) to the cinema yesterday, but she (not like) the film.

10) They (not have to) wash the dishes tonight if you (do) it for them.

11) They (buy) this car when they (be) in England?

12) Jane never (learn) the new words; she (get) a bad mark for her vocabulary test tomorrow.

Exercise 18

The word in capitals at the end of each of the following sentences can be used to form a word that fits suitably in the blank space. Supply the correct form of the word.

Examples: He took out his key, _______ the door and went inside. LOCK (answer: unlocked)

Why don’t you go in for that _______? You might win it. COMPETE (answer: competition)

1) He used to visit us every Friday morning with unfailing _______ . REGULAR

2) I found the whole experience extremely ________ . EMBARRASS

3) There are a number of ______ we can investigate before we take any action. POSSIBLE

4) When he was younger, he was _______ to read as much as he could. COURAGE

5) Much to her parents’ _______, the girl went to live and work in London when she was only seventeen. APPROVE

6) She’s a nice girl, but she tends to be rather _______ . TALK

7) All the children were given an _______ against measles. INJECT

8) We had an interesting ______ about jazz. CONVERSE

9) Their holiday in Africa last year was an _______ experience. FORGET

10) What we need is something or some way to _______ the legs on this table. STRONG

Exercise 19

Look at the following examples of how adjectives are formed:

Enjoy – enjoyable, response – responsible, practice – practical, care – careful, drama – dramatic, child – childish, attract – attractive, harm – harmless.

Now make adjectives from the following words using the suffixes above. In some cases, more than one adjective is possible.

1) fool

2) believe

3) atom

4) produce

5) terror

6) music

7) hope

8) progress

9) forget

10) rest

11) rely

12) success

13) horror

14) sense

15) talk

16) self

17) reason

18) politics

Exercise 20

The word in capitals at the end of each of the following sentences can be used to form a word that fits suitably in the blank space. Supply the correct form of the word.

Examples: He took out his key, UNLOCKED the door and went inside. LOCK

Why don’t you go in for that COMPETITION? You might win it. COMPETE

1) You can only really learn a sport well if you have a good _______. INSTRUCT

2) You can really depend on him to do anything. He’s most _______. RELY

3) I must have ________ that book: I can’t seem to find it anywhere. LAY

4) The noise of the planes taking off over our heads was _____ DEAF

5) I know it’s a little difficult to understand it at first, so I’ll try to _______ it. SIMPLE

6) To the best of my _______ . John’s living in France now. KNOW

7) I’m afraid Mr Smith has been _______ called away on business. EXPECT

8) This new law is ridiculous: they can’t possibly _______ it! FORCE

9) We still know ________ little about the wild life of certain parts of the world. COMPARE

10) Along with poor health and overpopulation, _______ is one of the most widespread problems in the world today. POOR

Exercise 21

Look at the following examples of how adjectives are formed:

Enjoy – enjoyable, response – responsible, practice – practical, care – careful, drama – dramatic, child – childish, attract – attractive, harm – harmless.

Now make adjectives from the following words using the suffixes above. In some cases, more than one adjective is possible.

1) agree

2) critic

3) science

4) use

5) culture

6) specify

7) notice

8) education

9) athlete

10) speech

11) remark

12) romance

13) tropic

14) mathematics

15) philosophy

16) break

17) society

18) Spain

Make or do?

Exercise 22

Choose the word that correctly completes the following sentences.

1) May I (do/make) a suggestion, please?

2) His husband never (does/makes) any housework.

3) How can you (do/make) such a boring job?

4) The president (did/made) his speech and sat down.

5) I have to (do/make) a phone call urgently.

6) My children hate (doing/making) the washing up.

7) You mustn’t (do/make) any noise.

8) Can you (do/make) the shopping for me, please?

9) I’ve (done/made) my decision, and it is final.

10) Who (did/made) this stupid mistake?

11) I just wanted to (do/make) you a favour, you know.

15) Oh, your’re always (doing/making) such a fuss about small things.

Exercise 23

Complete the following sentences with the correct form of “do” or “make”.

1) Have you ________ all the necessary arrangements?

2) My son doesn’t want to __________ military service.

3) Do you like _________ crossword puzzles?

4) Why don’t we ________ something interesting?

5) John _______ a final attempt, but he wasn’t successful.

6) You should really ________ an effort and finish this job on time.

7) We didn’t ________ French at school.

8) Last year the company __________ a profit at last.

9) I hate Jill; she always _________ trouble.

10) We don’t want to ________ business with you.

11) Fred _______ an excuse and left the party.

12) Try to _______ your best this time.

Exercise 24

The word in capitals at the end of each of the following sentences can be used to form a word that fits suitably in the blank space. Supply the correct form of the word.

Examples:

He took out his key, ________ the door and went inside. LOCK - > unlocked

Why don’t you go in for that ________? You might win it. COMPETE - > competition

1) ‘I need some ______ of your identity,’ the cashier told him. PROVE

2) The room was quite _______, so we went to another hotel. SUIT

3) She burst into ________ at his joke about the parrot. LAUGH

4) ‘Rain will continue _______ the afternoon,’ the forecast said. THROUGH

5) What’s the ________ of this room, do you think? WIDE

6) It’s ______ easy to learn a language if you hear it all the time COMPARE

7) You get a very good ______ of food at that snack bar. VARY

8) Don’t drop that cup! All _______ have to be paid for. BREAK

9) What awful handwriting! I can’t read her _______. SIGN

10) Your dress needs _______, Mary, if you want to be in fashion. LONG

11) The news came as such as shock to them that they were both _______. SPEECH

12) I thought the whole evening was very _________. ENJOY

13) She didn’t get the job because she didn’t have the right_______ QUALIFY

14) I’m full of admiration for people who overcome a serious ________ like that. ABLE

15) There are certain things that families can only discuss freely in the _______ of their own home. PRIVATE

16) This is one of those cameras that can eject the film _______ when you press a button. AUTOMATIC

17) She wouldn’t have done so well without the constant ________ of her parents and friends. COURAGE

Exercise 25

For the instructions, please see the previous exercise.

1) John is ________ hardworking. EXTREME

2) I didn’t like the food. I found it most _______ . PLEASANT

3) He was sacked from his job because he was _____. EFFICIENT

4) She was arrested because she was driving ________. CARE

5) It was very _______ of him not to help you. KIND

6) My wife likes the color blue. I find it ______ . ATTRACT

7) He’s a lucky man. He’s been ______ married for eight years. HAPPY

8) I bought a new car because the old one was so ______. RELY

9) The dancer was superb. She gave a _______ performance. FAULT

10) The passengers were frightened when the pilot flew ______ close to the building. DANGER

Exercise 26

Prefixes

The three most important negative prefixes in English are:

Un - : unhappy

Dis - : disapprove

Mis - : misinterpret

Complete the following sentences using a word that starts with one of these prefixes.

Example: In some countries men and women receive ______ pay. What do you think of the idea of equal pay for equal work?

Answer: unequal

1) I was sure I had locked the back door, but when we got back home, I found it _____.

2) John and his wife usually agree, but when it comes to money matters, they always ______.

3) We found people in country areas very friendly, but people we spoke to in the cities were very ______.

4) I always thought that Bill was totally honest, so when I found out that he had been _______, I was very shocked.

5) The shop said the toy was ______, but it didn’t take the children long to break it!

6) I’ve always found Mary very kind, so I’m surprised you said she was ______ to you.

7) I like nearly all fruit, but I have to say I ______ bananas.

8) I was sure I had understood what you meant, but obviously I ______ you badly.

9) I hope that peace and order will come out of the present situation of terrorism and ______.

10) At first we were satisfied with our hotel, but as it became noisier and noiser, we grew more and more ________.

11) You can bring cooked meat into Britain, but you can’t bring in_______ meat.

12) Some of your ideas are helpful, but I’m sorry to say that some are ________.

13) Last year’s festival was very ______, but this year’s much better organized.

14) Two runners qualified for the 100 metres, but two were ______ for using drugs.

15) Why don’t we stress the similarities between us, instead of the ________?

16) No sooner had we packed than we had to _______ again. The plane was delayed.

17) The opponents of factory farming say it is _______. The natural thing is for animals to be outside, running free.

Exercise 27

Use the following prefixes to make words to fit the explanations:

Over-, mis-, non-, re-, pro-, pre-, ex-, post-.

A) too enthusiastic B) not a driver C) place wrongly

D) the former king E) do again F) after 1980

G) in favor of war H) before 1900 I) against nuclear

Now use the words in the following sentences:

1) The ______ demonstration marched as far as the power station itself.

2) I can’t give you a lift. I’m afraid I’m a ______.

3) This work isn’t good enough. You’ll have to _______ it – and this time be more careful.

4) ______ women were expected to stay at home.

5) I don’t know where I’ve put your book. I must have ______ it.

6) Calm down! Take it easy! He’s only a pop singer. There’s no need to be _______.

7) The ________ comes to England quite a lot to visit his relatives in Buckingham Place.

8) The Conservative Party became more popular in the _________ period.

9) I thought you were a pacifist. How can you say you would have been _____ in 1945?

Exercise 28

The first sentences of each passage in the following text have been removed and mixed up. Match each sentence with the correct passage.

Missing sentences:

1) One of my parents’ few rules is: if they say stop, I stop – without question or hesitation.

2) Since I began driving, I have learned some amazing things about my parents.

3) No one has been hurt, car damages are nothing that a couple grand could not fix, and my parents have not tried to take control of the car yet.

4) There are not many times in a guy’s life when he is able to turn the tables on his family by following their instructions.

5) I am beginning to think that my parents associate my learning to drive with our religion.

6) Learning to drive has been more different than I expected.

The text where the sentences are taken from:

My Parents Are Driving Me Crazy

A_________

While driving everyone to church, I had an opportunity. When the car was closing in on an intersection, the light changed, and my dad immediately shouted “Stop.”

B ___________

So I slammed on the brakes, and every unstationary object flew forward. I heard my three brothers groan in the back, and my mother give a short, nervous laugh. After my father recovered, he looked at me with bulging eyes and said with a shaky voice, “Nice work, Jas.”

C ___________

I had really looked forward to getting my permit six months ago; I had imagined myself cruising down Route 66 in my babe magnet minivan. The day I started to drive, the reality of the situation hit me, for the next five months my paranoid parents would be in the car with me wherever I went.

D ____________

Whenever I get behind the wheel a change immediately occurs. My calm, reasonable parents disappear, leaving nervous wrecks. They try to hide their feelings, but whenever they give advice, it is either spoken through clenched teeth or screamed.

E _____________

Not only do they lift pleading eyes toward heaven as I start the engine, the drive to church is the only time that they relinquish the keys without argument. They probably figure that God will protect us since we are going to church to worship him (and they always seem thankful as they stagger out of the car when we arrive).

F ______________

All things considered, I would say I am doing pretty well. However, my parents could use a psychologist.

Exercise 29

Some words have been replaced with nonsense words (in italics) in the following text. Find what the original words were.

Shy lion rescued from street, taken to zoo

A homeless baby lion **plang** hiding under a car in one of Mexico City’s roughest neighbourhoods was captured with lassos and taken to a zoo Tuesday, firemen who rescued it **olh**.

“We **blin** it to a circus but they **olh** they didn’t have any lions, so we **blin**it to the Chapultepee Zoo instead,” fireman Israel Mendoza Sanchez of Mexico City’s central fire station told Reuters.

“Maybe it was someone’s pet.”

The six-month-old female lion was **plang** by traffic reporters working for a Mexico City radio station in the asphalt jungle of Doctores, one of the capital’s most crime-ridden areas, early Tuesday morning.

“I hope it eats some of the criminals,” **olh** a caller to the radio station Radio Red, when the escape was reported.

“This rescue was very unusual,” Mendoza added. “We usually only get calls for escaped birds.”

Plang is __________

Olh is __________

Blin is __________

Exercise 30

Some words have been left out of the following text. Choose the missing word from the four choices given at the end.

Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of 1 _______ as she went down to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next. First, she tried to 2 ________ down and make out what she was coming to, but it was too 3 _________ to see anything; then she looked at the 4 _______ of the well, and noticed that they were filled with cupboards and book-shelves; here and there she saw maps and pictures hung upon pegs. She took down a jar from one of the 5 _________ as she passed; it was labeled ‘ORANGE MARMALADE’, but to her great disappointment it was 6 ________: she did not like to drop the jar for fear of killing somebody, so managed to put it into one of the cupboards as she fell past it.

‘Well!’ thought Alice to herself, ‘after such a 7 ________ as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs! How 8 _______ they’ll all think me at home! Why, I wouldn’t say anything about it, even if I fell off the top of the house!’ (Which was very likely true.”

Down, down, down. Would the fall NEVER come to an end! ‘I wonder how many miles I’ve fallen by this time?’ she said aloud. ‘I must be getting somewhere near the 9 ______ of the earth. Let me see: that would be four thousand miles down, I think –‘ (for, you see, Alice had 10_________ several things of this sort in her lessons in the schoolroom, and though this was not a VERY 11 _________ opportunity for showing off her knowledge, as there was no one to listen to her, still it was good practice to say it over)’ – yes, that’s about the right 12 ________ - but then I wonder what Latitude or Longitude I’ve got to?” (Alice had no idea what Latitude was, or Longitude either, but 13 _______ they were nice grand words to say.)

Presently she 14 _________ again. ‘I wonder if I shall fall right THROUGH the earth! How funny it’ll seem to come out among the people that 15 _______ with their heads downward! The Antipathies, I think – ‘ (she was rather glad there WAS no one 16 ________, this time, as it didn’t sound at all the right 17 _______)’ – but I shall have to ask them what the name of the country is, you know. Please, Ma’am, is this New Zealand or Australia?’ (and she tried to curtsey as she spoke – fancy CURTSEYING as you’re falling through the air! Do you think you could manage it?) ‘And what an ignorant little girl she’ll think me for 18 _________! No, it’ll never do to ask: perhaps I shall see it written up somewhere.’

(from Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll)

1) A) books B) time C) problems D) water

2) A) fall B) fly C) come D) look

3) A) dark B) night C) light D) calm

4) A) mirrors B) pens C) books D) sides

5) A) books B) shelves C) pens D) tables

6) A) empty B) full C) open D) dark

7) A) flight B) break C) trip D) fall

8) A) brave B) clever C) silly D) old

9) A) end B) side C) top D) centre

10) A) written B) learnt C) finished D) forgotten

11) A) precise B) happy C) good D) bad

12) A) distance B) book C) thing D) trip

13) A) said B) wrote C) forgot D) thought

14) A) began B) heard C) believed D) stood

15) A) read B) sleep C) walk D) talk

16) A) talking B) writing C) sitting D) listening

17) A) word B) book C) sentence D) earth

18) A) saying B) sleeping C) thinking D) asking

Exercise 31

The sentence of the following article have been mixed up. Put them in the correct order.

Princes seeking solitude in B.C.

A) British tabloids such as The Sun are sending their royal reporters and brigades of photographers, the people who run after the Royal Family with those fabulously long and intruding lenses.

B) Whether solitude on the slopes is possible for the Princes, even in a country where the media have yet to reach the excesses of British tabloid journalism, is still in question.

C) Prince Charles and his two young sons arrive in British Columbia Monday for what they hope will be a quiet, reporter-free ski vacation, their first trip to Canada after the death of Diana, Princess of Wales.

D) There will also be a gaggle of U.S. reporters, journalists from across Canada and the local media contingent, all scrabbling for their own exclusive moments with the Princes as they ski the mountains surrounding the resort of Whistler for most of this week.

E) This six-day vacation of Prince Charles and his sons, William and Harry – already dubbed the Three Princes by one local tabloid – is already generating the same style of scrutiny that dogs them in Britain.

Exercise 32

Put the sentences of the following story in the correct order.

1) ‘I want you to paint a picture of me. How much will it cost?’

2) ‘But I’ll have to keep my socks on, because my feet get cold, and I’ll have to wear something to put my brushes in.’

3) Then she thought that, as she had a very beautiful body, the artist might be happy to paint her picture more cheaply if she wore no clothes while he was painting it.

4) ‘Five hundred pounds,’ said the artist.

5) ‘Oh?’ said the lady.

6) The artist thought for a moment.

7) ‘And how much will it cost if you paint me without any clothes on?’

8) ‘That is a lot of money.’

9) One day a beautiful young lady went to a famous artist and said,

10) So she said,

11) ‘One thousand pounds,’ he then said.

Exercise 33

Complete the following story with the conjunctions “and”, “but” and “so” in the correct places.

The Second World War had begun, ________ John wanted to join the army, ______ he was only 16 years old, ________ boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. _______ when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.

_______ John’s brother had joined the army a few days before, _______ the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy’s family name, ________ when he saw John’s papers, he was surprised.

‘How old are you?’ he said.

‘Eighteen, sir,’ said John.

‘_______ your brother was eighteen, too,’ said the doctor. ‘Are you twins?’

‘Oh, no, sir,’ said John, _______ his face went red. ‘My brother is five months older than I am.’

Exercise 34

In the article below, three words have been removed. Find what words were in place of ‘AAA’, ‘BBB’ and ‘CCC’.

Girl, 8, is expelled for ‘crime’ of father

A girl aged eight has been expelled from a private AAA in Merseyside because of a drugs addiction against her father.

Olivia Avis, who attended the McKee AAA in Allerton, Liverpool, CCC put in a taxi and sent BBB unaccompanied into the care of her sick 13-year-old sister.

She knew nothing of her father’s alleged crime because he mother, who is separated from him, had been waiting to break the news to her.

Olivia’s place at the AAA came into question as news spread among parents of the appearance before magistrates in Manchester of Edward Avis, who CCC accused of conspiring to import a controlled drug. Pamela McKee, the head teacher, said she expelled the girl because she CCC under pressure from other parents who were threatening to withdraw their children. She admitted she CCC wrong to send her BBB unaccompanied.

Olivia’s mother, Elizabeth Avis, 36, from Childwall, said she CCC appalled by the AAA’s behavior and considered it outrageous her daughter could be punished for something her father CCC alleged to have done.

She said: “Olivia CCC terrified and crying her eyes out when she CCC put in the taxi. They put my daughter under serious risk by sending her BBB alone.”

Exercise 35

Ten words have been removed from the text below; they are given at the end. Put them in the right places.

Workers want more time with family

One in five people in work would be prepared to take a cut in pay to spend more time with their families, according to an opinion poll 1) _______ yesterday.

Half of those interviewed by Mori worried about 2) _________ too little time with their families and one in four said it was 3) _______ to have a good family life and get ahead in the career stakes. The poll was carried out for the management consultancy WFD, which advises 4) _______ such as IBM and American Express on how to help their staff achieve what it calls the “work/life balance”.

It found that the 16-35 age group was most preoccupied with trying to 5) _______this balance. Ninety-two per cent said it was at least fairly 6) __________, with the belief spread equally over men and women. WFD said this meant the “demise of the yuppie”, as it proved that “fast cars and flashy penthouses are no longer enough for the 7) _______ and upwardly mobile”.

The issue was of most importance in the professions, where 98 per cent said it was a major concern. High earners were more likely to worry about having too little time to themselves than lower earners. Fifty per cent of those earning more than 17,500 pounds were worried, compared to 36 per cent of those earning under 9,500 pounds.

Single people were as 9) _______ as married people to be concerned by the lack of balance. Self-employed workers, however, were much less worried than others about balancing work and outside life. Liz Bargh, chief 10) ________ of WPD UK, said the poll was “powerful evidence” that the balance between work and life was one that more companies had to address.

Words to be used:

Important – spending – executive – achieve – published – likely – companies – impossible – young – employees

Exercise 36

In the following article two words have been replaced – ‘AAA’ and ‘BBB’. Find what the original words were.

Vandalism by children as young as six was the main reason for a rise BBB almost 80 per cent in the number BBB AAA accidents last year, the Health and Safety Executive reported yesterday.

Although the number BBB incidents involving fatalities remained low, the executive warned that the rapid increase in objects being placed on the line, the stoning BBB drivers’ windows and arson attacks threatened the possibility BBB a major tragedy “with very many deaths”.

In 1996 – 97, the total number BBB accidents, including derailments, collisions and fires, rose to 1,753, compared with 989 in the previous 12 months. More than half were caused by vandalism.

Instances BBB AAAs running into objects placed on the track increased by 53 per cent, from 488 to 741. Cases BBB arson rose from 256 to 302. Incidents BBB damage to drivers’ cab windows, a category not separately reported before, numbered 468, BBB which 87 per cent were caused maliciously.

Stan Robertson, the HSE’s chief inspector BBB railways, said he was particularly concerned by the “massive and very disturbing” increase in the deliberate planting BBB obstructions such as masonry, stolen cars, disused washing machines, supermarket trolleys and bicycles.

Recent incidents involved:

- Children aged six, seven and eight who placed a pile BBB wood and stones on a stretch BBB the East Coast main line in south Yorkshire that is used by AAAs traveling at 125 mph;

- A group who wrapped a tennis-court net around a signal gantry and used it to drop rocks on passenger AAAs passing beneath;

- A AAA derailment in Hertfordshire that caused a carriage to turn on to its side after vandals placed concrete on the track.

The British Transport Police said: “These kinds BBB obstruction are now a daily occurrence. It’s often children or young teenagers who don’t realize the dangers BBB what they are doing, A AAA running at 125 mph normally takes a mile and a quarter to stop. If it has a lump BBB concrete, it could easily be derailed, resulting in multiple fatalities. This is an issue BBB extreme seriousness.”

The police want to see Railtrack and AAA operators making trespass more difficult by improvements to fencing, lighting and station design and by removing potential lineside hiding places. The safety executive has set up a working group to produce new proposals for combating vandalism, which is due to report by the end BBB the year.

Exercise 37

The sentences of the following article have been mixed up. Put them in the correct order.

A) But her younger brother Iskander, 10, also did so well in his maths and further maths A-level papers that he is keen to join her at university this September.

B) Sufiah, one of five brothers and sisters gifted in mathematics and tennis, will be matching the feat achieved by Ruth Lawrence 13 years ago when she begins her degree course this autumn at the university’s last all-female college, St Hilda’s.

C) The children’s father, a freelance researchers, said yesterday that his son was intellectually and emotionally ready for university, and he would be approaching colleges, including St Hugh’s, to see if anything could be arranged.

D) As predicted, she easily overcame the final obstacle, an A-grade in further maths, last week.

E) Sufiah Yusof, the 12-year-old maths prodigy had a place at Oxford University confirmed yesterday – where she could be joined by her younger brother.

F) If successful, he will be just 11 when he goes up to the university, making him one of its youngest entrants since the Middle Ages.

Exercise 38

Eight sentences have been left out of the following article. Read the text and put the sentences at the end into the right places – but be careful, one of the given sentences is not needed. The first one has been done to help you.

Why do we need two ears?

1) E

Even if you only had one ear that worked properly, you would still hear sounds and understand them. Having two ears helps us find out more about what is going on around us.

2) ________

Ears act as direction finders because sounds arrives at one ear before it reaches the other ear. Your brain measures the difference and automatically works out the direction of the sound.

3) ___________

As we grow up, we get better at working out where a noise is coming from and how far away the thng making the noise is.

4) ___________

They had to be able to track animals to hunt food. They also had to know which way to turn when large animals were tracking them.

5) ___________

Bats, for instance, use echolocation to find their way in the dark. But directional hearing is still a very useful skill for us too. If you heard someone shouting for help, you would know which way to run to get to them. Our ears work best at listening to sounds like music or people talking, but animals have ears suited to different needs.

6) _____________

Others have ears that work best for listening to very deep notes. Some animals can hear faint noises, while others are completely deaf. Snakes do not have ears at all and people used to think they were deaf.

7) ______________

The bone vibrates when the air or the ground vibrates. Most insects are deaf but grasshoppers can hear through their legs. They call to one another by making chirping sounds with their legs. Dogs have superior hearing to us; they can hear notes that are higher then those we hear. If you blow a special dog whistle that makes a very high note, you will not be able to hear it, but any dogs nearby will hear the note and might come running.

8) ___________

The missing sentences:

A) But we now know that they can hear sounds through a bone that lies under the skin of the face.

B) This skill si called directional hearing and it was very important to our ancestors in the past.

C) With two ears we can tell which direction a sound is coming from.

D) As we get near old age, we are often unable to hear well.

E) Both our ears work in the same way.

F) You may have noticed the way they twitch their ears to and fro: they do this to find out where a sound is coming from.

G) Wild animals still need this skill today, and many of them have better directional haring than people.

H) Even very young babies turn to look in the direction a noise is coming from.

I) Some animals can hear notes much higher than any sound your ears can hear.

Exercise 39

Read the text below and do the exercise that follows.

The train had stopped before a red signal which blocked the way. The engineer and conductor were talking excitedly with the signal man, whom the station master at Medicine Bow, the next stop, had sent on to meet the train. The passengers gathered around and took part in the discussion.

Passepartout, joining the group, heard the signal man say, “No! You can’t pass! The bridge at Medicine Bow is shaky, and would not bear the weight of the train.”

There was a suspension bridge about a mile from the place where they now were. According to the signal man, it was in a ruinous condition, several of the iron wires being broken; and it was impossible to risk the passage. He did not in any way exaggerate the condition of the bridge.

Passepartout, not daring to inform his master of what he heard, listened with set teeth, still as a statue.

“Hum!” cried Colonel Proctor; “but we are not going to stay here, I imagine, and take root in the snow?”

“Colonel,” replied the conductor, “we have telegraphed Omaha for a train, but it is not likely that it will reach Medicine Bow in less than six hours.”

“Six hours!” cried Passepartout.

“Certainly,” returned the conductor. “Besides, it will take us as long as that to reach Medicine Bow on foot. “But it is only a mile from here,” said one of the passengers.

“Yes, but it’s on the other side of the river.”

“And can’t we cross that in a boat?” asked the Colonel.

“That’s impossible. The creek is swollen from the rains. It is a rapid, and we shall have to make a detour to the north to find a shallow part.”

Choose the correct answers:

1) The train got a red signal because

A) it reached a station.

B) there was something lying on the rails.

C) it was dangerous to go on.

2) Which sentence is true?

A) The station master ordered the signal man to explain the situation to the people on the train.

B) The conductor sent the signal man to the station master.

C) The passengers listened to the engineer and the signal man in silence.

3) They couldn’t go on because

A) the river washed away the iron wires.

B) the bridge was likely to collapse any time.

C) it was snowing heavily.

4) Passepartout

A) couldn’t wait to speak to his master about the situation.

B) stood motionless while listening to the conversation.

C) had tears in his eyes since he was so disappointed about the bad news.

5) Which sentence is true?

A) The passengers would like another train to take them to Medicine Bow.

B) It will take about six hours for the Omaha train to arrive in Medicine Bow.

C) The passengers will have to make a short cut in order to reach Medicine Bow.

6) How can the passengers reach the next stop?

A) By crossing the river on foot.

B) By walking one mile over the bridge.

C) By the next train.

Exercise 40

Read the following text and complete it with the words given below, but be careful, because you need to use only half of the words given. The first one has been done for you to help you.

Words to be used:

BETWEEN, WAS, BECAUSE, QUITE, SHARE, BEACH, CAR, QUIET, ALTHOUGHT, LONG, HOLIDAY, PLANE, SPENT, AMONG, LENGTH, DEATH, HOLIDAYS, MOST, DIED, COAST, VERY, DIVIDE

The Isle of Wight

The Isle of Wight lies less than five kilometers off the south (0) coast of England. It is one of the country’s best-known islands but, in spite of the short distance (1) ______ the island and the rest of England, a bridge has never been built to link the two. In order to get there, you must take a boat, or a private (2) _______ .

The island, which is about 37 kilometers in (3) ______ and 22 kilometers wide, has a population of 120,000 (4) _______ this rises in summer when tourists arrive in large numbers. People come here for the peace and (5) ________; it is an area of great natural beauty with delightful open countryside and long clean beaches.

It was in the nineteenth century that people began to take (6) _______ on the Isle of Wight. The (7) ________ famous visitor to the island at this time was, without doubt, Queen Victoria. The Royal Family bought Osborne House in 1845 and the Queen, who loved the house, (8) _______ much of her life here. After her (9) ________ in 1901, the new King, Edward VII, gave Osborne House to the nation as he did not (10) ________ his mother’s love of the house and had no wish to live in it.

Exercise 41

Read the text below and then use the words that follow to complete it. You must use each word once.

Don’t write me off, says Massey

Oxford United’s Stuart Massey, victim of one of the worst injuries in 1) ______, has vowed: “Don’t write me off just yet”.

An 2) ________ until he was signed up by his former 3) ________ Crystal Palace at the age of 27, Massey declared: “I came into the 4) ________ late and I get from playing just yet. “I haven’t been in the game long enough. There’s too much 6) _______ there for me to just say ‘that’s it’.”

The 33-year-old 7) _______ has undergone and exploratory operation on the right 8) _______ which was badly damaged by a tackle from Peter Beardsley in United’s 2-0 win at Manchester City on March 7.

He has been put in a full leg 9) ________for five weeks to let the medical collateral ligament settle down but will need a major 10) _______, probably in early May, to reconstruct the knee which requires anterior cruciate repair. Massey is then looking at nearly eight 11) ________ before he can play again, taking him to Christmas – ten months after he suffered the 12) _______ - by which time he will be 34.

With his 13) ________ at Oxford set to expire in June, inevitably there are 14) _______ over whether United will offer him a new deal.

Words to be used:

Same, midfielder, plaster, contract, electrician, months, hunger, club, injury, football, doubts, operation, knee, buzz

_______________________________________________________________

Advanced

Exercise 1

Put the words in brackets into the correct forms.

Struck-off nurse gets ok to work

A nurse (strike off) the professional register following a suicide in Bishop’s Stortford has been allowed back on it just days after the health authority admitted liability and provisionally agreed (pay out) a “substantial” sum to the dead woman’s family. Peter Hollerin, 33, was one of two male nurses (axe) from the nursing register in 1996 after (find) guilty of misconduct in (allow) a suicidal patient (walk) to her death. Tanya Kersey, a 37-year-old teacher who was a psychiatric patient at Harlow’s Princess Alexandra Hospital in 1992, died on a Bishop’s Stortford railway crossing in August of that year.

Yeasterday, Mrs. Kersey’s husband, Trevor, of Piggotts Way, Bishop’s Stortford, said he was surprised and disappointed at the committee’s decision. His solicitor Helena Myska, of Stanley Tee and Co, said she was also surprised, (add) that last week’s admission of negligence by North Essex Health Authority was the culmination of “a very long (draw out) process that didn’t help anybody”.

The decision (restore) Mr Hollerin to the register was made after a hearing at the Nurses’ Professional Conduct Committee on Friday. Chairwoman Dame Mary Uprichard stressed the decision did not negate or condone what had happened six years ago, nor did it undermine the committee’s original findings. “You should appreciate that this way a very serious matter, (find) guilty of professional misconduct,” she added. Mr Hollerin expressed deep regret on Friday and added that he recognized the mistakes he had made had been grave. Katrina Wingfield, of the UK Central Council for Nursing, Midwifery and Health Visiting, had previously told the committee that Mrs Kersey – (refer) to as Mrs A – was (check) every 15 minutes.

But Mr Hollerin failed (attempt) to carry out checks between 7.30 am and 8.40 pm and inaccurately completed an incident report. A spokeswoman for Essex and Herts Community Trust, would not say whether Mr Hollerin would be re-employed. (speak) generally, she said cases would be assessed, (bear) in mind registration signified the professional committee’s belief they were safe (practice). The trust would be sensitive to the local – whether it was in everyone’s interest a nurse should return to the same area, she added. NEHA refused (comment).

Exercise 2

Complete the following text with one word in each blank.

I was several years 1 ________ I’d seen Jackson, and when I came face to 2 _______ with him quite 3 _______ chance in Oxford Street one evening. I wasn’t too sure at first 4 ________ it was him or not. I smiled 5 _______ him as he was passing but in 6 ________ of the fact that our eyes 7 _______ he gave no sign that he knew me. It was Jackson, though, 8 _________ doubt, 9 __________ made me wonder 10 _________ he had so obviously cut me. I hesitated, and then turned and followed the 11 ________ he was going in. He walked so quickly that I knew he 12 _______ have guessed I was behind him. 13 ________ he didn’t turn round, I was convinced that he wanted to. He walked faster into and 14 _______ and I felt certain at one stage he 15 _________ break into a run. Now he was passing a tube station and had to make his 16 __________ through a crowd just pouring out of the entrance. He 17 ________ to be bumped into by two men, one of 18 _______ said something to him. The other one produced a small plastic card and Jackson’s face 19 _______ color. As the three men walked past me, Jackson gave a helpless shrug. It was obvious he was being run 20 ________.

Exercise 3

Complete the following sentences with the correct prepositions. Sometimes more than one answer is correct.

1) Luckily, there was not much damage done _______ the car.

2) I don’t think we’ll ever find the solution ________ this problem.

3) Lucy made out a cheque __________ $ 500.

4) There’s been an increase ________ the price of corn recently.

5) Her attitude _________ her parents is unbelievable.

6) We haven’t received an invitation ________ the party yet.

7) Jane always had a very good relationship _________ her parents.

8) Their reaction ________ the news was predictable.

9) The reason _________ the accident is not yet known.

10) There is a great demand ______ American cigarettes in some countries.

11) Everybody agreed that there was a need _______ change.

12) The advantage ______ buying big quantities is obvious.

13) The police saw no connection ______ the two crimes.

14) When Jane received a reply _______ her letter, she started crying.

15) The key _______ the survival of our company is to increase efficiency.

16) The fall ________ the sale of alcohol is a result of successful campaigning.

17) Jill could clearly see the disadvantages _________ traveling alone.

Exercise 4

Complete the following sentences with the correct prepositions. Sometimes more than one answer is correct.

1) It was really very stupid ________ you to ask that question.

2) We’re terribly sorry _________ the noise we made last night.

3) Fred was shocked __________ his girlfriend’s behaviour.

4) I was furious ________ the proposals; they were just utter nonsense.

5) What are you so nervous ________?

6) Were they not sorry at all _______ leaving you like that?

7) He is not usually cruel ________ animals.

8) Jack was simply delighted ________ the presents he got.

9) I’m really impressed ________ your French; where did you learn it so well?

10) Joan soon got bored ________ doing the same thing every day.

Exercise 5

Fill each of the numbered blanks in the following passage. Use only one word in each space.

Teenage mugger given life for snatching a bag

A mugger who snatched a woman’s handbag eight days after 1 ________ released from a young offenders’ institution was jailed 2 ________ life yesterday.

Ragbhir Singh Digwa, 19, slumped in the dock as Judge Martin Tucker, QC, told him that he felt obliged to 3 ________ the sentence, “awesome and terrible 4 _______ it might be”. Digwa had been 5 ________ of robbing a 26-year-old woman 6 ________ 60 pounds on New Year’s Eve. The court was told that he had 17 7 ______ convictions for robbery and the judge said it was a “virtual certainty” that, 8 ______ he was released, he 9 _______ re-offend.

Judge Tucker told Digwa: “I feel obliged to 10 _______ a course that will 11 _____ that you will not be released 12 _______ the public until those who have 13 ________ ability, time and opportunity to monitor you can 14 ________ their hands on their hearts and say this man is 15 _______ longer a danger to the public. Until that time, you will not be released.”

He told Digwa that he felt the minimum amount 16 ______ time he should 17 _______ was five years but said he should not be released 18 _______ it was thought safe to do 19 ________ . 20 _______ passing an indeterminate life sentence, he was allowing for as long a period as necessary for Digwa to be rehabilitated.

Exercise 6

Put the verbs in brackets in the following text into the correct forms. Make all the necessary changes (sometimes you’ll have to use the Passive).

Dial ‘F’ for fish

There is something fishy (go) on in Borneo: fishermen (steal) pay phones and (use) them as electronic bait (lure) fish.

In the past year, about 900 of the 3,500 Telekom Malaysia pay phones (steal) in the state of Sabah on Boeneo Island, (say) a senior official of the company, Ahmad Zaini Mohammad Amin.

“Even our telephone manufacturer in Italy (be) baffled by the thefts,” he (report) as (say) by local newspapers.

Investigations (reveal) that the fishermen (cut off) the handsets, (connect) them to high-powered batteries and (lower) them into the water. The electricity (pass) through the microphones (produce) a high-pitched sound that (attract) fish into the nets, Ahmad (say).

Fisheries Department Director General Shahrom Abdul Majid (tell) a newspaper he (be) convinced the explanation (be) accurate.

He (quote) as (say) that some aquariums in Japan (release) piped music into tanks and the fish (move) to the rhythm. “It almost (look) as if they (dance),” he (say).

“I also (hear) of fishermen in the east coast [of Malaysia] (knock) bamboo sticks underwater (produce) a sound which (attract) a particular species of fish,” Shahrom (say).

“Light can also (use) as an effective way of (lure) fish, but most people (not know) fish also (respond) to all kinds of sound,” he (add).

The criminal innovation (come) to light because of the unusually high number of telephone thefts last year. Normally, only about 800 of the 40,000 pay phones (install) throughout the country (vandalize) every year. Ahmad (quote) as (say).

Exercise 7

Fill each of the numbered blanks in the following passage. Use only one word in each space.

The bell gave a 1 ______ of rings and I went to the front door. I looked 2 ______ the peephole and I saw a young- 3 _______ man with a suitcase. His fingers fiddled nervously 4 _______ his collar; then he waited, his face taking on a hopeful expression. A salesman, I thought 5 ______ myself. I wonder 6 ________ it’s going to be 7 _______ time: brushes, encyclopedias or the 8 _______ latest in miracle washing powders? Not 9 ________ a certain curiosity, I opened the door and prepared to be bombarded by a stream of persuasive 10 _______ talk. But 11 ______ my surprise the young man addressed me 12 ______ name. ‘Are you Mrs Charters?’ he asked in 13 _______ sounded like an American voice. Hesitantly, I 14 _______ I was. ‘You had a sister who went to Canada years ago.’ Good Heavens, my elder sister Angie. 15 ________’d been some kind of mystery, and her name had never been 16 ______ again. ‘I’m Angie’s son,’ he 17 _______ me. ‘I’m in England 18 _______ two months. I’m just 19 ______ my way to a flat I’ve taken nearby, and I thought I might as well 20 _______ you know we’re going to be neighbors.’

Exercise 8

Choose the correct answer. Only one answer is correct.

1) ______ of the girls was really pretty.

A) Some B) Either C) A few of D) Neither

2) Strong ________, he couldn’t lift the suitcase.

A) he ever was B) like him C) as he was D) he might be

3) You’d rather I didn’t tell him about last night, _______ you?

A) had B) wouldn’t C) hadn’t D) would

4) Little ______ that she could win his heart.

A) hoped she B) did she hope C) she didn’t hope D) she hoped

5) From their attitude they ______ have just been kissing.

A) might B) would C) should D) didn’t

6) They used to go out a lot, ______ they?

A) weren’t B) hadn’t C) haven’t D) didn’t

7) There are no leopard-skin pyjamas in the shops, nor ______ a market for them.

A) there is B) is C) it is D) is there

8) Vitamin C is not only found in lemons ______ in cabbage.

A) also is B) that is also C) but is also D) also is it

9) During the 1950’s Japan emerged _______ a new economic power.

A) like B) as C) such as D) into

10) The word “whisky” comes from the Gaelic _____ “water of life”.

A) it means B) to mean C) meaning D) to be meant

Exercise 9

Fill each of the numbered blanks in the following passage. Use only one word in each space.

Last summer some friends who had come to stay 1 _______ us wanted to visit a London flea market. We set 2 _______ shortly after breakfast and went 3 ______ Underground into town. 4 ________ leaving the station generally used 5 _______ the market we found 6 ________ in a long stream of tourists, visitors and sightseers, all heading 7 _______ the same destination. We had 8 _______ excellent weather 9 ______ through that summer and Saturday was 10 ________ exception; another brilliant morning. We walked along with the others 11 ______ for the narrow street where the market began its way downhill. There were stalls 12 ______ every kind. Our friends gave cries of 13 ________ at the 14 ______ of curios, antiques and odds and 15 _______ of junk stretching as far as they eye could see. Half an hour later we somehow lost 16 ______ . Obviously we couldn’t 17 _______ the entire market but we guessed that eventually they would find 18 _______ suitable to eat the sandwiches we had each taken. As we walked into the small park not 19 _______ from the market, 20 ______ they were, eating on the grass surrounded by a mountain of extraordinary purchases.

Exercise 10

Finish each of the following sentences in such a way that it means exactly the same as the sentence printed before it.

Example: He stole some money and was arrested for it.

He was…

Answer: He was arrested for stealing some money.

1) The firm lost 100,000 pounds last year owing to strikes.

The firm made…

2) You could say Joan is a little difficult sometimes.

John might…

3) He booked in advance so that he wouldn’t have to join the rush later on.

He booked in advance to…

4) I misdirected that elderly woman, I’m afraid.

I sent…

5) There was little demand for the book I wanted.

The book…

6) It’s not necessary to wash the car till tomorrow.

The car…

7) The tea was strong because he’d used too many spoonfuls.

It was…

8) I’d like to ask you a personal question if I may.

Would you…

9) I had never had to do anything so difficult before.

It was…

10) The ink was so faded that I couldn’t read the words.

The ink was too…

Exercise 11

In each of the following sentences there are two gaps. The – symbol means that nothing should be written into the gap. Note that in each answer the two parts are separated by two strokes (//).

1) _______ everywhere along the track after the train crash, making it difficult _______ people from the carriages.

(A) Wreckages were // to rescue

(B) There was wreckage // for rescuing

(C) Wreckages were found // for survivors to pull

(D) There was wreckage // to rescue

2) After _______ for six hours, we _______ reach the top.

(A) having climbed // could

(B) climbing // managed to

(C) climbing as we had done // could

(D) climb // we didn’t fail to

3) She had been learning _______ for 10 years but she still wasn’t playing with _____ skills necessary for a professional.

(A) violin // -

(B) the violin // the

(C) on the violin // -

(D) on violin // the

4) He informed me that if I _____ the front door locked, I _______ round to the back.

(A) find // needed to go

(B) found // will have to

(C) found // was to go

(D) will find // would have to

5) Look! There’s an ambulance outside the neighbor’s house. It seems as though old Mr Brown ______ ill again. If only he ______ the doctor’s advice!

(A) has been taken // had taken

(B) were taken // he would have taken

(C) had been taken // took

(D) would be taken // were to take

6) How do you ______ these two instructions? _______ .

(A) understand // None has any sense for me

(B) mean // They contrast one another

(C) interpret // I can’t make any sense of them.

(D) take out // They are not meaningful to me

7) The computer _______ more and more indispensable in ____ world.

(A) is becoming //today’s

(B) becomes // today’s

(C) has been becoming // the today’s

(D) became // today’s

8. I’ll come round ______ tonight ______ need help with your new video set.

(A) to you // in case you’ll

(B) to your’s // if you’d

(C) to your place // if you

(D) to yours // in that case if you

9) I’ll take an earlier train so as to _______ that I won’t miss the _____ at Manchester.

(A) make sure // connection

(B) determine // junction

(C) secure // connection

(D) ensure // intersection

10) _______ stormy and ______ at enormous cyclone heading for the bay, the rescue team put off their search until later.

(A) As it was // being

(B) Since it was // it being

(C) It being // there being

(D) The weather being // it being

Exercise 12

In the following sentences, of the four answers (A, B, C or D) three are correct and only one is wrong with respect to grammar or usage. Be careful, your task this time is to find the one wrong answer.

1) _____ awarded the Oscar, the young film director turned round and hugged his girl friend.

(A) To be

(B) Having been

(C) On being

(D) After he’d been

2) Help me ______ the ironing, please.

(A) do

(B) doing

(C) to do

(D) with

3) _______ spread all that gossip about you.

(A) It was a friend of yours who

(B) Your friend was the one who

(C) What your friend did he

(D) It was one of your friends that

4) The job wasn’t very interesting, _______ it was well paid.

(A) but at least

(B) but on the contrary,

(C) but believe it or not,

(D) but no doubt

5) Peter’s got a rather annoying dog. It ______ at night.

(A) is barking

(B) keeps barking

(C) won’t stop barking

(D) will bark

6) A: “You look very tired. Can I give you a lift home?”

B: “No, thanks, _______ tonight.”

(A) I’d rather walk

(B) I prefer walking

(C) I’d like to walk

(D) I like walking

7) _______ with his salary, he was looking for another job with more promotion prospects.

(A) Satisfied as he was

(B) Satisfied though he was

(C) Although satisfied

(D) Despite of being satisfied

8) Nothing but a full apology _______ .

(A) would be enough satisfactory for him

(B) would do for him

(C) would satisfy him

(D) was good enough for him

9) Until the last game Agassi was _____ the match.

(A) certainly to win

(B) certain of winning

(C) certain that he’d win

(D) certain about winning

10) __________ that you’ve got nowhere to sleep tonight. Is that right?

(A) I gather

(B) I understand

(C) I have found out

(D) I have been said

Exercise 13

In the following multiple choice questions, two of the answers given are correct. Find these two.

1) He said ______ me outside the cinema at two o’clock.

A) he meets

B) he’d be meeting

C) he would meet

D) let’s meet

E) to be meeting

2) The young secretary _______ having been criticized by the manager.

A) resented

B) refused

C) reminded

D) remembered

E) regained

3) _______ should one drink and drive.

A) Not any way

B) Never ever

C) Ever never

D) On every occasion

E) On no account

4) Not every student was informed _______ this matter, which is very strange indeed.

A) at

B) to

C) from

D) of

E) in

5) I was supposed to be at work at 6 for the meeting, but my car ______ start so my father had to give me a ride yesterday.

A) mustn’t

B) couldn’t

C) wouldn’t

D) didn’t

E) shouldn’t

6) He thinks he’s going to change the world, _______ ?

A) won’t he

B) doesn’t he

C) isn’t there

D) does he

E) isn’t it

7) Well, they think they can do it ______ .

A) themselves

B) by themselves

C) from themselves

D) on themselves

E) them

8) Jane reminded me ______ my dentist.

A) to

B) of

C) about

D) on

E) upon

9) We’ll be late! How soon will you _______ , dear?

A) have been ready

B) have finished

C) have been finishing

D) be to finish

E) finished

10) ‘Could we have something for dinner?’ ‘Well, I will do ______ .’

A) a phone call to Pizza Hall

B) some arrangements

C) something about it

D) my best

E) an attempt in the kitchen

11) England _______ allies are sure to win the war.

A) and his

B) and her

C) and its

D) with theirs

E) with

12) I had _______ driven a mile when I realized she was sitting behind me.

A) still

B) sooner

C) yet

D) scarcely

E) hardly

Exercise 14

Complete the following text with the words given below. Use each word only once. In some of the blanks you needn’t write anything.

Missing words: a, at, down, from, have, if, of, on, over, such, the, were, who

When I arrived (1) ______ the port of Cape Town, South Africa in May 1957, after a 23-day journey from New York by (2) ______ freighter, my traveling partner came (3) ______ with an ulcer. Ironically, it was from planning the very (4) _____ trip that was to emancipate him from the ulcer-causing environment of competitive business (5) _______ which he wanted to escape. While he was in the hospital, I obtained a copy of John Gunther’s Inside Africa, (6) ______ where he discussed many of the relatively unknown social customs, beliefs and traditions of Africa. For example, Gunther explained how witchdoctors (7) ______ endowed with power from the ingredients packed into their Mulianai, a cow horn always carried over (8) ______ shoulder by a leather thong. Ingredients (9) ______ as hyena noses, lion dung, snakes and parts of human bodies, preferably from (10) _______ near relative, gave politicians and chiefs, with help from the witchdoctor, great power (11) _____ their opponents. In addition, the ingredients of the horn were thought to be (12) _______ significant therapeutic and medicinal value (13) ______ rubbed into a wound, or in cases, taken internally.

Months later, while (14) _________ trapping lions and training eagles and falcons for an epic motion picture on Africa, a witchdoctor (15) ______ wanted to use the medicine horn to cure my bad back operated (16) ______ me. Doubtful, I agreed to (17) ______ him treat me for the film. To my surprise, I was free of back pain for twelve years, all for a charge of only 25 cents, U.S.

Exercise 15

In the following multiple choice questions, two of the answers given are correct. Find these two.

1) If only you _____ tomorrow too!

A) had come

B) could come

C) would come

D) have come

E) come

2) Why don’t you help them _____ the new program?

A) install

B) installing

C) to install

D) to installing

E) at installing

3) Margaret _______ the chair of the meeting, but she fell ill.

A) ought to have had

B) was going to be

C) would’ve had to have been

D) is to have been

E) was going to have

4) _____ you wish to continue your studies at college.

A) So I am right in saying

B) Can I mean

C) Didn’t you tell

D) I take it that

E) Understanding

5) ______ at the picnic, the group found the moon high in the sky.

A) To arrive

B) On arriving

C) While the arrival

D) Upon their arrival

E) As arriving

6) He dropped the gun in the river ______ his fingerprints would be indentified.

A) so that not

B) from the fear

C) for fear that

D) afraid of

E) scared

7) Children, you have to learn this text by Monday, ____ !

A) by heart

B) by the mouth

C) by word

D) word for word

E) from outside

8) It was ________ that we sat on the patio for hours.

A) such pleasant day

B) so pleasant day

C) so a pleasant day

D) such a pleasant day

E) so pleasant a day

9) The traffic in New Orleans is heavier ______ Baton Rouge.

A) than

B) than in

C) as of

D) as that of

E) than that of

10) _______ your kind assistance, I’m sure I’d have failed.

A) Except

B) Not having

C) If it hadn’t been for

D) Without

E) If I don’t get

11) Please let me have all the application forms _______ .

A) available

B) what is available

C) that are available

D) which is available

E) I would have available

12) We were shocked to hear the news of _______ from that good job.

A) you having fired

B) your firing

C) your having been fired

D) your being fired

E) your fired

Exercise 16

Read the following text and then choose the word or phrase that best completes it.

‘There’s one thing that worries me. Why did you call me only this afternoon? Why did you pick on me? Who told you about me?’

He laughed. His laugh was rather (1) ______. ‘Well, (2) _____, I’ll have to confess I merely picked your name at random out of the phone book. You see I hadn’t intended to (3) _____ with me. Then this afternoon I got to thinking why not.’ I lit another of my squashed cigarettes and watched his throat muscles. ‘What’s the plan?’

He spread his hands. ‘Simply to go where (4) ______, hand over the package of money, and receive back the jade necklace.’

‘Where will I be – in the back of the car?’ ‘(5) _____ . It’s a big car. You (6) ______ in the back of it.’

‘Listen,’ I said slowly. ‘You plan to go out with me hidden in your car to a destination (7) _____ over the phone some time tonight. You will have eight grand in currency on you and with that you are supposed to buy back a jade necklace worth ten or (8) ______ . What you will probably get will be a package you won’t be allowed to open – (9) ______ you get anything at all. It’s (10) _______ they will simply take your money, count it over in some other place, and mail you the necklace, if they feel big-hearted.

There’s nothing to prevent them (11) ______ you.

Certainly nothing I could do would stop them. These guys are tough. They might even knock you on the head – not hard – just enough to delay you while they go on their way.

1) A) as a boy’s B) boyish C) like boys’ D) a boy’s

2) A) factually B) the fact C) as a matter of fact D) to matter

3) A) have anyone go B) make someone go C) get someone go D) have anyone gone

4) A) they have said B) I am told C) I’ve been said D) they told me

5) A) So will you B) I will C) I think D) I suppose to

6) A) would hide easy B) could easily hide C) easily must hide D) you hid easily

7) A) you have got B) you can get C) you are to get D) you get

8) A) more twelve times B) twelve times that many C) twelve times more D) twelve times much

9) A) providing B) except C) unless D) even if

10) A) just like B) just as likely C) as likely D) just as

11) A) from double-crossing B) to double-cross C) double-cross D) against double-crossing

Exercise 17

Put the two halves of the following proverbs together.

1) A bird in the hand A) without fire

2) It’s no use B) is in the eating.

3) One swallow C) than done

4) There’s no smoke D) easy go.

5) Strike while E) than fiction.

6) The proof of the pudding F) is worth two in the bush.

7) Once bitten, G) doesn’t make a summer.

8) Truth is stranger H) twice shy.

9) Easier said I) the iron is hot.

10) Easy come, J) crying over spilt milk.

Exercise 18

Put the two halves of the following similes together.

1) As cool A) as a feather.

2) As thick B) as a fiddle.

3) As light C) as a bone.

4) As regular D) as lead.

5) As fit E) as two short planks.

6) As good F) as the sea.

7) As dry G) as a cucumber.

8) As heavy H) as a mountain.

9) As high I) as gold.

10) As deep J) as clockwork.

Exercise 19

Match the idioms below with their definitions, then complete the sentences with them.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Dirty work

Too much like hard work

Hard work never hurt anybody

It’s all in the day’s work

Work wonders

A nasty piece of work

Many hands make light work

Work like a charm

The devil finds work for idle hands

1) have an unusually good effect

2) too much work and not enough relaxation will make people bored

3) a job that one expects to do in the course of one’s work; something that is not very difficult

4) if people work together, they can do a job more easily

5) quickly and easily successful

6) when people don’t have enough work to do, they make trouble

7) criminal activity

8) too tiring or troublesome to do

9) laziness is wrong

10) an unpleasant or dangerous person

Almost all my colleagues from the office came to help us, and we were able to paint the house very quickly, because _______ .

This new medicine the doctor prescribed for me _______ .

I don’t want to be on the team of Jack is there too; he’s ______ .

Don’t leave your children at home with nothing to do; ____ .

Your marketing ideas really ______ for our company.

He was very cunning; he always had others do the _____ for him, so the police couldn’t catch him.

I believe your son is taking his studies too seriously; you know the saying: _____.

I thought it would be very difficult to have the tap repaired, but Fred said it was ______ for him.

His garden is very untidy; looking after it would be ______ for him.

Why don’t you concentrate more on your job? ______ , you know.

Exercise 20

The word in capitals at the end of each of the following sentences can be used to form a word that fits suitably in the blank space. Supply the correct form of the word.

Examples: He took out his key, _unlocked_ the door and went inside. LOCK

Why don’t you go in for that _competition_? You might win it. COMPETE

1) Luckily the man turned out to be a very ________ businessman. SUCCESS

2) He’s very rich, but he’s a crook: he’s obtained almost everything he owns ______ ! HONEST

3) I’ll always remember his first novel: it’s _____. FORGET

4) That old man’s very ______ : he thinks of no one but himself. SELF

5) The ring she lost was given to her by her mother and is ______ . PLACE

6) The club meets every other week, so it’s a _______ meeting. FORTNIGHT

7) What she did was perfectly _______ , so she needn’t fear the police. LAW

8) I know he promised to do the job, but he’s very ______ . RELY

9) I had no idea where we were: we were _____ lost! HOPE

10) He accepted what had happened to him very _______ . PHILOSOPHY

Exercise 21

Match the two halves of the proverbs in the two columns.

1) Look before A) than words.

2) There is no smoke B) always blames his tools.

3) Actions speak louder C) while the sun shines.

4) All’s well D) and spoil the child.

5) A bad workman E) is a master of none.

6) A Jack of all trades F) that lays the golden eggs.

7) Make hay G) without breaking the eggs.

8) Time and tide wait H) you leap.

9) Spare the rod I) from little acorns grow.

10) Great oaks J) without fire.

11) Don’t kill the goose K) for no man.

12) You cannot make an omelet L) that ends well.

Exercise 22

Complete the following proverbs with one word in each sentence.

1) You scratch my _____ and I’ll scratch yours.

2) The girls who can’t dance says the ______ can’t play.

3) We’ll cross that ______ when we come to it.

4) There’s no such thing as a free _____ .

5) Take care of the pence and the _______ will take care of themselves.

6) When the ______ ‘s away, the mice will play.

7) All that glitters is not ______ .

8) Don’t look a gift ______ in the mouth.

9) Better ______ than sorry.

10) Don’t bite off more than you can ______ .

11) Don’t count your _____ before they are hatched.

12) There’s no accounting for _____ .

13) The proof of the ______ is in the eating.

14) You have to take the rough with the _____ .

15) Too many ______ spoil the broth.

Exercise 23

Choose the word that best completes the sentence. Only one answer is correct.

1) A football team _____ eleven players.

A) comprises B) composes C) constitutes D) combines

2) My brother has something to ask you in _____ with your sister.

A) connection B) reference C) relation D) relevance

3) He got killed in a plane-crash in the _____ of his life.

A) height B) prime C) bloom D) zenith

4) This is the third time you’ve asked me for her phone-number. Aren’t you being a bit _____ ?

A) ambitious B) conceited C) bold D) dashy

5) He is such a sympathetic young man. He is so _____ .

A) attractive B) friendly C) understanding D) helpful

6) In the morning we found a whole ______ of puppies in the box.

A) pack B) bunch C) gang D) litter

7) I’ve never met such a _____ person. You don’t give a damn about the elderly and the needy.

A) senseless B) callous C) bashful D) righteous

8) The hair-dryer can be _____ to any voltage.

A) adapted B) adjusted C) altered D) applied

9) I thought I’d ______ into you in this pub one day.

A) slam B) dash C) bump D) knock

10) She wanted to make an impression with her son’s singing, but he _____ her up. He wouldn’t open his mouth.

A) showed B) put C) turned D) left

11) Soon after the engagement I started to have second _______ .

A) ideas B) chances C) hints D) thoughts

12) Try to put yourself in my ______ and imagine what it feels like to be left alone with the kids.

A) boots B) way C) place D) shoes

Exercise 24

Form the opposite of the following words using the prefixes ‘it-‘, ‘im’, ‘in-‘, or ‘ir-‘.

1) possible 2) mature 3) experienced 4) complete

5) correct 6) practical 7) direct 8) relevant

9) capable 10) sincere 11) accurate 12) sensitive

13) legitimate 14) visible 15) legal 16) convenient

17) logical

Exercise 25

Choose the word or expression that best completes the sentence.

1) I’ll hit _____ if you don’t bring the car back on time.

A) my head B) the roof C) the ground D) the floor

2) You can’t believe a word he says. Almost everything he utters is _______ .

A) tongue in cheek B) sheepish C) water off a duck’s back D) a dog’s life

3) The horses were ____ until the finishing line.

A) cheek to cheek B) face to face C) neck and neck D) eye to eye

4) The footprints left behind gave a _____ as to the burglar’s identity.

A) hint B) tip C) trace D) clue

5) Although the Bakers started their business over a year ago, there is still little ____ of money coming in.

A) clue B) figure C) sign D) note

6) I think you should be a bit more careful with money, _____ the fact that you don’t’ earn any.

A) granted B) supposing C) given D) known

7) Nonsense! He couldn’t have meant that. It must have been a ______ of the tongue.

A) slip B) twist C) flick D) flip

8) When the sky is clear, you can see the comet with the ______ eye.

A) sheer B) plain C) naked D) bare

9) It was hard to keep a _______ face when Mrs Briggs walked in wearing a pink mini-skirt. She weighs a ton!

A) blank B) straight C) strict D) still

10) I was taken _______ by the boy’s rudeness.

A) aback B) over C) in D) through

11) Luckily, nobody was injured when our neighbours house was _____ on fire.

A) set B) put C) lit D) laid

12) I just can’t remember the name of the place, although, it is on the _______ of my tongue.

A) edge B) tip C) peak D) cap

Exercise 26

The word in capitals at the end of each of the following sentences can be used to form a word that fits suitably in the blank space. Supply the correct form of the word.

Examples:

He took out his key, ______ the door and went inside. LOCK

Answer: LOCKED

Why don’t you go in for that ________? You might win it. COMPETE

Answer: COMPETITION

1) What’s her name? I can’t read her ______. SIGN

2) She could cook very well, but was absolutely ______ at dressmaking. HOPE

3) He is an excellent artist, and draws everything, especially flowers and plants, with extreme ________. ACCURATE

4) Everything has to be clean and tidy, because the boss is making a tour of _____ this morning. INSPECT

5) The teacup _____ because I wasn’t watching what I was doing. FLOW

6) They don’t have a ________ newspaper: they get all their news from the radio and television. DAY

7) You are playing a very _____ game. DANGER

8) There was a terrific ______, then the whole building collapsed like a pack of cards. EXPLODE

9) The young lady is very ______ in her work, but not so careful about keeping her office tidy. CONSCIENCE

10) _______ plants are very difficult to grow in the UK, unless of course you have a hothouse. TROPICS

Exercise 27

Choose the answer that best fits the sentence.

1) We couldn’t _____ on the name of the baby.

A) resolve B) conclude C) settle D) determine

2) In his absence I’d like to thank you all for your help on my father’s ______.

A) part B) behalf C) place D) side

3) “Do you sell light bulbs here?” “Yes, we do, but I’m afraid we haven’t got any in ______.”

A) supply B) stall C) store D) stock

4) Don’t worry, I have everything ______ control.

A) in B) by C) under D) over

5) I was in hospital for three weeks, so I fell ______ my work.

A) behind with B) down with C) off in D) back in

6) As a social worker, you meet people from all ______ of life.

A) spheres B) corners C) walks D) fields

7) In the background we could hear the neighing of a ______ .

A) baby B) violin C) lawn mower D) horse

8) Just give me some cheese on toast, that will keep me ______ until lunch.

A) straight B) fed C) going D) on

9) There is no exception, the same rules _____ for everyone.

A) apply B) hold C) stand D) keep

10) Granddad kept all his D-I-Y equipment in a ______ in the backyard.

A) shed B) shack C) hut D) barn

11) I’m ever so thirsty, I could _______ with a drink.

A) get on B) do C) put up D) make

12) He hasn’t spoken to his best mate since they ______ out.

A) blew B) broke C) fell D) picked

Exercise 28

Choose the answer that best fits the sentence.

1) Drink all the milk; it will ______ off by tomorrow.

A) sour B) go C) turn D) rot

2) You’ve done very well so far! Try to _____ the good work!

A) take on B) keep with C) hold on D) keep up

3) I know about his latest adventure, you can ____ me the details.

A) save B) spare C) cut D) drop

4) After nearby an hour we managed to _______ our orders with the waiter.

A) make B) fix C) set D) place

5) He was _____ by her provocative behaviour.

A) misguided B) mistaken C) misled D) misinterpreted

6) I went down a _______ of stairs.

A) flight B) tract C) grade D) stretch

7) He could provide no evidence to _______ up his allegation.

A) hold B) set C) make D) back

8) That cupboard will ______ nicely for the kitchen.

A) fit B) do C) match D) suit

9) Stuck in the middle of the jungle with his plane smashed to pieces he though he was _______ for.

A) sent B) gone C) done D) left

10) I wish my mum would stop getting ______ me. What have I done wrong?

A) down to B) at C) on D) put with

11) Although Beethoven was ______ by deafness, he was able to write nine symphonies.

A) afflicted B) crippled C) impaired D) struck

12) He came back from Greece nicely ______ by the Mediterranean sun.

A) burnt B) browned C) scorched D) tanned

Exercise 29

Choose the word or expression that best completes each sentence.

1) A month after the car accident Auntie Lizzy was ______ again!

A) round and round B) on and off C) up and about D) in and out

2) I acted _______ when I punched the bouncer in the face.

A) in force B) at stake C) by reason D) on

3) Guerillas were reported to have taken ______ the military headquarters.

A) up B) down C) in D) over

4) I am prepared to go to any ______ to prove my innocence.

A) measures B) length C) steps D) depth

5) Are you really ______ to give a lecture on the social behaviour of bees?

A) appropriate B) sufficient C) competent D) relevant

6) His jealously eventually got the _____ of him and so he started to tap his wife’s phone calls.

A) better B) worst C) most D) lowest

7) Their constant bickering was a ______ joke among the neighbours.

A) solid B) standing C) fixed D) regular

8) We’d better ______ without their continual attempts to invite us out.

A) away B) done C) left D) off

9) Sorry about the disastrous supper. _______ my lack of culinary expertise.

A) Take it in for B) Put it down to C) Make it up for D) Get it over with

10) “They’ve arrived!” “_______”

A) And none too soon! B) Hey presto! C) Touch and go! D) Sooner the better

11) It was quite a scandal when Edward VIII _______ for the love of a divorced woman in 1936.

A) abdicated B) abducted C) abolished D) objected

12) Our land-lady knows everything about our marital problems. I’m sure she is _____ behind the door every time we have a row.

A) spying B) eavesdropping C) detecting D) overhearing

Exercise 30

Choose the word or expression that best completes each sentence.

1) The business venture was not entirely successful, but they still managed to _____.

A) go bust B) be in the red C) break even D) be in arrears

2) He ran out of money so he had to _____ back on his life-savings.

A) fall B) set C) reach D) lie

3) “How far is it to Nottingham?” “About five miles as the _______ flies”.

A) bird B) crow C) eagle D) wit

4) A lady on the bus pointed our that I had put my jumper on _______.

A) upside down B) back to front C) in and out D) round about

5) What a stag night it was! However, the groom had a terrible _______the next morning.

A) shame B) worry C) guilt D) hangover

6) After his world championship bout Tyson had to ________a drug test.

A) undergo B) submit C) fulfil D) place

7) The police had to ______ the news of the fatal accident to the boy’s parents.

A) reveal B) announce C) break D) put forward

8) Everyone agreed that the new supermarket offered outstanding _______ for money.

A) bargain B) discount C) value D) goods

9) We couldn’t remove the graffiti as it had been done in _______ ink.

A) indelible B) enduring C) lasting D) colour-fast

10) After spending all summer on the beach Jane was as brown as _______.

A) badge B) a bear C) a berry D) chocolate

11) During the shooting of the stunt scene an ambulance was standing _____ in case of an accident.

A) ready B) near C) by D) –

12) He works as a salesman, though he is an electrician _______.

A) as a job B) as original C) first hand D) by trade

Exercise 31

Choose the word or expression that best completes the sentences below.

1) Her pension was so small that he old lady had to ______ on just 10 pounds per week.

A) get through B) get by

C) make it D) make up

2) Ann is so ______, she believes every word that she’s told.

A) simplistic B) plausible

C) gullible D) credulous

3) We begged the traffic warden to ______ but she fined us anyway.

A) let us off B) put us off

C) excuse us D) give us up

4) The CIA tried to _______ the secret arms deal, but it still became headline news.

A) brush off B) talk down

C) cover up D) play up

5) His first name is Richard but everyone calls him Dick _______.

A) shortly B) for short

C) in brief D) by heart

6) The bill was 17 pounds but the guests _______ to twenty.

A) tipped it B) added it up

C) paid it D) rounded it up

7) They lived in a rather _____ flat but they were happy.

A) fell down B) ruined out

C) run down D) slum

8) The referee had no choice but to _____ the player after such a dangerous tackle.

A) send off B) send out

C) book off D) kick off

9) I was advised to buy a thousand pounds _______ of shares.

A) worthy B) worth

C) value D) price

10) Desmond _____ with David in driving the car on the long journey.

A) swopped B) substituted

C) rotated D) alternated

11) Let’s hurry. That guy is already on our _______.

A) heels B) neck

C) feet D) back

12) I was so thirsty, I drank a glass of water ______.

A) in a mouthful B) at one go

C) in one gulp D) in one sip

Exercise 32

Choose the word or expression that best completes the sentences below.

!) It took her more than 3 years to _____ the loss of her husband.

A) overcome B) recover

C) surpass D) prevail

2) “I can’t handle these kids.” “Take them to Granny’s she’ll ________ them out.”

A) straight B) sort

C) clear D) fit

3) They say blood is ______ than water.

A) stronger B) quicker

C) heavier D) thicker

4) She ______ good-bye to her son as the train left the station.

A) bid B) sent

C) waved D) told

5) Before you sign the contract, read the ______ print.

A) small B) blue

C) colour D) bold

6) After the accident he was most ______.

A) regretting B) pleading

C) sorrowful D) apologetic

7) Sue didn’t go to school as she was a bit off _____.

A) form B) colour

C) and on D) balance

8) There was a national ______ of emotion when the heroes returned.

A) outburst B) outcome

C) outcry D) outrage

9) “Have you been drinking?” “No. I’m as sober as _____.

A) a driver B) a sergeant

C) a judge D) a cook

10) The shepherd drove his _____ of sheep up to better pastures.

A) group B) flock

C) head D) herd

11) It never rains but it _______.

A) floods B) hails

C) falls D) pours

12) I ran out of money and had to _____ my savings.

A) draw on B) dig from

C) draw out D) extract

Exercise 33

Choose the correct answer. Only one answer is correct.

1) If you want to help, then you could ______ these potatoes for me.

A) rub B) peel

C) clean D) skin

2) Look ______! There’s a car coming.

A) out B) over

C) why D) up

3) The burglar broke _______ the house during the night.

A) through B) into

C) up D) open

4) I think I may as well take _____ his offer.

A) up B) over

C) to D) –

5) The evidence was _____in the laboratory.

A) experienced B) sifted

C) experimented D) analyzed

6) The game was ______ until the following Friday.

A) cancelled B) abandoned

C) postponed D) delayed

7) Please ______ our warmest regards.

A) receive B) accept

C) give D) take

8) When he was promoted he received a ______ in salary.

A) boost B) raise

C) lift D) rise

9) You’ve got to _______ to Dave. He really did well in his exams.

A) hand it B) give it

C) pass it D) put it down

10) Frogs ______, while toads crawl.

A) walk B) bounce

C) hop D) slither

Exercise 34

Choose the correct answer. Only one answer is correct.

1) I just can’t get ______ modern jazz, though my brother loves it.

A) on B) into

C) over D) up to

2) Don’t forget to ______ the clock back. British Summer Time ends tonight.

A) set B) turn

C) fix D) put

3) A friend in need is a friend _______.

A) indeed B) in trouble

C) to need D) forever

4) The canteen lady asked the kids if they wanted ______.

A) repeats B) portions

C) seconds D) helpings

5) I asked the hitch-hikers if they wanted a ______.

A) trip B) hitch

C) drive D) lift

6) Pass me that ______. I’m going to clear the lawn of leaves.

A) rake B) spade

C) hoe D) trowel

7) Look at the plumage of that ______!

A) squirrel B) bird

C) hedgehog D) snake

8) The prices in that shop are ridiculously high. It’s _____ robbery.

A) complete B) daylight

C) sheer D) armed

9) The terrorists ______ the bomb beneath a parked car.

A) planted B) ignited

C) installed D) laid

10) There is an increasing concern about vehicle _____.

A) omissions B) exhales

C) immersions D) emissions

Exercise 35

Three sentences have been left out of the following text. You can read four sentences at the end – of course, only three of them have to be used to complete the article.

The article where the sentences are taken from.

Maidenhead shoppers after the pick of the fruit and vegetable bargains are being urged to keep their eyes peeled for an unwanted pest.

1 ______

Not a native of Britain, the beetle’s overgrown shape comes from its ravenous appetite for fruit and vegetable crops – especially potatoes. The Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food (MAFF) sends out regular warnings to stores which sock fruit and vegetables from abroad and to importers to keep vigilant.

2 ________

Tim Dale, area environmental health manager for the Royal Borough, said: “I am not aware that any settlement of Colorado Beetle had occurred for some years.

“People need to be vigilant. There was a person who suspected that they had a Colorado Beetle, but I don’t think it turned out to be one.

“If people think they might have spotted it I think the best thing to do is contact MAFF or the local authority, and we could identify the insect. But it is the MAFF that would deal with it.”

3 __________

So far this year only three of the beetles have been spotted alive, a long way off last years 216.

Sentences to be used:

A) They are urging anyone who thinks they have seen one of the little gannets, of which 500 were once found in one consignment of imported lettuce, to contact them as soon as possible.

B) These beetles are not dangerous to humans at all, but even then, they are not especially welcome.

C) The illegal immigrant in question is about 10 mm long, sports alternate yellow and black stripes down its back, resembles an overgrown ladybird and goes by the name Colorado beetle.

D) He said he was not aware of any problem in the Maidenhead area and MAFF were simply keeping people aware of the insect.

Exercise 36

Read the text below and answer the questions that follow.

Walt Disney

He was born Walter Elias Disney in Chicago on December 5, 1901, the fourth son of the five children of Elias and Flora Disney. He was five years old when the family moved to a farm in Marceline, Missouri, and nine years old when they moved to Kansas City. It was Marceline that he recreated when he built “Mainstreet, U.S.A.” in the amusement parks that bear his name.

By modern standards he was an abused child, the subject of harsh physical discipline at the hands of his father, a petty tyrant who treated him more like an indentured servant than a son. He went to work at the age of ten, delivering both the morning and evening editions of the local newspaper. For the rest of his life, one biographer wrote, “He had a recurring dream in which he suffered torment because he failed to deliver some newspapers along his route.”

He smoked three packs of Lucky Strikes a day for decades, and liked to unwind with a glass or two of Cutty Sark Scotch. In times of great stress, he washed his hands compulsively, as many as 30 times in an hour. He was obsessed with trains, and built his own private one-eighth scale train line on the grounds of his Holmby Hills, California, estate. He collected a large number of cuckoo clocks and was entranced by a mechanical bird he found in an antique shop.

His first animated-film studio went bankrupt; the second created a popular character called Oswald the Rabbit, the rights for which he lost in a contractual dispute that also cut off funding for new cartoons. To raise money he sold his car and completed Steamboat Willie, the first Mickey Mouse cartoon, which was also the first animated film with sound. When it premiered in New York on November 18, 1928, it was a huge hit. By 1931, the Mickey Mouse fan club had a million members.

He was slow to recognize the value of character licensing; at first he gave the rights away, reasoning they were good publicity for his cartoons. Within a few years, however, the royalty payments from the use of Mickey, Donald Duck, Pluto, et al. equaled or exceeded the net profits of the cartoons in which they were featured.

He had a strong puritanical streak and broke off his friendship with Spencer Tracy when the actor began an affair with Katharine Hepburn. When he discovered one of his unmarried associates was living with a woman, he forced him out of his job. A number of his employees thought him to be a difficult and demanding boss, and found his condescending and paternalistic style particularly demeaning. He enforced a strict dress code , required nearly everyone to punch a time clock, and would fire instantly anyone who used profanity in mixed company.

Deeply conservative politically, he was anything but in his approach to business, and several times staked the future of his studio on unlikely projects. His gamble on Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, one of the first feature-length animated films, was known within the industry as “Disney’s Folly” – but was repaid with immense success: It made $5 million in its initial 1937 release and is considered a landmark in the history of film.

He was forced to borrow on his life insurance when his bankers initially declined to participate in the financing of the amusement park he first dubbed “Disneyland”. The July 17, 1955 opening was an unmitigated disaster, plagued by mechanical breakdowns, power failures, and gate crashers. “It was a madhouse,” one observer recalled. “People were counterfeiting [invitations]… We even found a guy who built a ladder over the fence… and was letting people in for five dollars a head.” Recovering quickly, Disneyland went on to become an enormous success and popular tourist destination.

Walt Disney died on December 15, 1966, and contrary to popular belief, he was not frozen at his death, but cremated (though he did discuss cryonics with several doctors). He had been awarded some 700 honorary degrees and awards, among them the French Legion of Honor, and his studio had received 28 Academy Awards. Mickey Mouse, for which he had supplied the original voice, had by then become perhaps the most recognizable and enduring character in the world.

Decide whether the following statements are true, false, or not found in the text.

1) Disney had a happy childhood.

2) His father died when he was still young.

3) When Disney was young, he made a paper round twice a day.

4) He liked collecting children’s toys.

5) He stopped smoking when he was older.

6) His first films were very successful.

7) He developed psychological problems when he was older.

8) Disney didn’t seem to have been a popular boss.

9) Spencer Tracy was Disney’s friend.

10) People in the film industry didn’t believe “Snow White” would be successful.

11) Disney himself played Mickey Mouse once.

12) Disney’s parents only had sons but no daughters.

13) He sold the rights for some of his characters in the beginning.

14) His bankers didn’t think Disneyland would be a good idea.

15) The biggest problem with the opening of Disneyland was that there were too many people who wanted to get in.

16) Disney got very angry when people used bad language in front of women.

Exercise 37

The last sentence of the following article has been removed, and the words have been inserted in the text in various places. Find the last sentence (the order of the words has not been changed and the first one has been marked).

Small Solace

There is no such thing “while” as a good terminal illness, but people who know Alzheimer’s disease consider it the one of the worst. Its FDA slow and agonizing course leads doesn’t inexorably from memory lapses to personality changes to utter loss of intellectual functions to certain death. The emotional toll have on the estimated 4 million Americans who suffer from the disease and on their families is to incalculable; the bills for nursing care are go enormous.

That along is why a decision by a U.S. Food and Drug Administration with advisory panel is being widely hailed. The committee urged such the FDA to approve a new drug, tacrine, as the first treatment for recommendations Alzheimer’s ever to go on the market. Tacrine it is no cure. It just slows the disease’s progress, and only for about 20% usually of sufferers. Considering the horrific nature of the illness, the panel does not felt that even a little relief is better than none.

Exercise 38

The sentences of two articles have been mixed up. Match them to the right title and put them in the correct order.

Godzilla the Germ:

Sharks to the Rescue:

1) Epulopiscium is notable for sheer grotesqueness, but it also upsets some long-held scientific assumptions.

2) But it is surprisingly effective against a broad range of microbes, including fungi, bacteria and parasites.

3) Epulopiscium fishelsoni is not among them.

4) For one, biologists had believed that bacteria could never be very large because, unlike one-celled animals (such as amoebas), they don’t have the internal machinery to spread nutrients through their bodies.

5) Scientists have long wondered why sharks never seem to get sick.

6) A synthetic version of the dogfish drug is being tested against a variety of human diseases.

7) Most bacteria have the decency to be microscopic.

8) The new compound, a chemical cousin of cholesterol, does not belong to any known class of antibiotics, according to a report published by the U.S. National Academy of Sciences.

9) If that’s true, scientists know less than they thought about the early history of life on earth.

10) The newly identified one-celled macro-microorganism, which lives harmlessly in the intestine of the Red Sea-dwelling brown surgeonfish, is a full .5 mm long, large enough to be seen with the naked eye.

11) Now it appears that some fossil microorganisms, which researchers presumed to be animals, may be bacteria instead.

12) Now a team of scientists, working with dogfish taken from the Gulf of Maine, think they may have the answer: a powerful antibiotic found in virtually every cell of the shark’s body.

13) Described in the current Nature, it is a million times as massive as a typical bacterium.

14) Despite a relatively primitive immune system, they almost never get infected after suffering wounds, and they seem to be cancer-free.

Please note that these two articles are taken from British newspapers, so they use British English.

Exercise 39

Four sentences have been removed from the following article. They are given at the end, but there’s an extra one, too. Find where each sentence belong and also find which one is not needed.

Bigamist ‘who forgot first wife’ is jailed

A bigamist who claimed that his memory was so bad that he had forgotten his first marriage has been jailed for six months.

Leslie Knott, 40, agreed to become a Mormon before marrying Marguerita Taylor, 38, in March 1995. But he left her while she was expecting twins and married Catherine Scott, 37, at Chester register office. 1) _______.

Michael Hemsley, defending, said: “2) _________. He says he has no record whatsoever of the first marriage and believes at the time he was in Ipswich.” Knott, of Blacon, Chester, was convicted of bigamy at Chester magistrates’ court.

Afterwards, Miss Taylor, of Warrington, Cheshire, said Knott arrived home one evening, packed his bags and announced that he was leaving. 3) _______.

She said: “I said I didn’t, and asked if he was in trouble. Then the policeman said, ‘By the way, do you know he’s married again?’. I shouted, ‘What?’ Then my legs almost buckled. 4) ______.”

Miss Taylor said she had begun divorce proceedings. “I’ve also had the kids baptized under my name, not his,” she said.

A) She heard nothing more from him until police arrived at her home to ask if she knew where he was living.

B) I was absolutely shell-shocked.

C) He told Miss Scott that his first wife had died.

D) Mr Knott obviously likes women very much.

E) He does not have a good memory.

Exercise 40

The sentences of the following article have been mixed (except for the first and last one). Put the five sentences in the middle in the correct order.

Teenager takes his place among heroes

Teenager Ross Davies has attended a glittering reception at London’s Savoy Hotel for the country’s heroines and heroes.

A) He repeatedly dived back into the murky water to breathe air into Liam’s lungs and managed to keep him alive for 15 minutes until rescuers arrived.

B) The couple also invited the 23 winners to 10 Downing Street for a tour, signed autographs and posed for pictures.

C) Ross, 18, from Stanway, was invited to the celebration for saving the life of his 15-year-old friend Liam Coffey, when their car plunged into a 16ft, water-filled ditch.

D) A number of celebrities, including Chris Evans and the Duchess of York attended the reception hosted by Prime Minister Tony Blair and his wife Cherie.

E) Ross managed to scramble free from the vehicle but returned when he realized his friend was trapped in the Ford Escort.

The reception was organized by a national newspaper which hands out gold star awards every year for outstanding bravery.

Exercise 41

After reading the text below, decide whether the statements that follow are, according to the text, false or not stated (the text gives no information about the statement).

Juvenile crime almost halved during a pioneering neighbourhood watch initiative on truancy, according to research published yesterday.

Shopkeepers, police and public responded enthusiastically to an appeal to look out for children absconding from school as part of a pilot project in Stoke-on-Trent. The findings will be used by John Patten, the Education Secretary, next week when he distributes government grants to support a national network of similar schemes.

David Portas, of the Centre for Police Management and Research at Staffordshire University, said arrests of children aged 17 and below had fallen 48.5 per cent in the four months since the scheme started in Hanley.

The statements:

1) There are about half as many crimes committed by young offenders as four months ago in the areas where the neighbourhood watch initiative was introduced.

2) The programme involved schools looking out for children reported missing by local people.

3) The children who were being watched are going to get a government grant.

4) Stoke-on-Trent had a high truancy rate.

5) David Portas says he has arrested teenagers near Staffordshire University.

Exercise 42

Please see the instructions for Exercise 41.

As police yesterday stepped up their search for a man they suspect might have been abducted, his wife spoke of her fear that he has killed himself.

Grant Price, 43, an accountant, disappeared last Saturday while on a shopping trip to Foreham with his son David, when he said he had left something behind and returned to the car. The boy told police that soon afterwards he saw what he believed was his father’s car leave with three people inside.

About two hours before Mr Price disappeared, a 20-year-old man was stabbed in the leg in Fareham by two men who tried to take his car.

The statements:

1) Mr Price may have committed suicide.

2) The Prices live in Fareham.

3) David was mistaken in believing that he saw his father’s car.

4) Mr. Price might have been kidnapped by the same people who inured the young man.

5) It seems that the two people badly needed a car.

Exercise 43

Complete the text below with the phrases given at the end (A-M). One of the phrases is not used, and one of them is given to help you.

When it comes to arithmetic (0)_ D_

Two rhesus primates have made monkeys out of scientists who believe (1) ______ depends on language.

The trained monkeys, called Rosencrantz and Madcap, showed that they could master simple arithmetic. Columbia University psychologists, (2) _______, have demonstrated that monkeys can grasp the concept of numbers from one to nine.

The research, (3) ______, further blurs the line between humans and other animals.

“The monkeys share with humans the capacity to master simple arithmetic, on at least the level of a two-year-old child,” said Elizabeth Brannon, (4) ______, New York.

Science said it “shakes up scientific consensus (5) _______ that depends on language”.

The psychologists first trained the monkeys (6) ______ containing one, two, three or four objects. The animals were then shown pairs of images with between five and nine objects, and asked to touch the lower and higher number in order – (7) ______. Many animals, from parrots to dolphins, (8) ________, for example between a ball with three dots and one with six dots. However, the Columbia researchers go further by showing (9) _____ to higher numbers that they had not previously encountered.

The researchers believe (10) ______ and that number skills preceded human speech. Another implication is that the brain processes words and numbers in different regions – (11) ______ why some people with brain damage have superb verbal dexterity but cannot count, while others are mathematically brilliant but cannot use words.

A) a task they consistently got right

B) who carried out the research at Columbia University

C) that their monkeys could apply that knowledge

D) you can count on monkeys

E) who worked with them

F) that counting is a cultural phenomenon

G) which may explain

H) in an attempt to disapprove the assertion

I) than being able to count

J) that arithmetic and language evolved separately

K) reported today by the US journal, Science

L) to distinguish images

M) have been taught to distinguish between numbers

Exercise 44

From the interview below, the reporter’s questions have been removed and mixed up. Put them in the correct order. Be careful,one of the questions is not needed. The first one has been done for you.

Reporter: (0) _ G _

Interviewee: Actually, I do very little communication by voice. If I place two or three phone calls a day, it’s a minor miracle.

Reporter: (1) _______

Interviewee: You’re able to process the information you get. You can forward pieces. You can use sections of incoming messages in your outgoing communications. You can store it and retrieve it at will.

Reporter: (2) _______

Interviewee: Yes, if for nothing else because you don’t have to say who you are. You can pretend to be someone else. In the electronic world many types of barriers are dissolved.

Reporter: (3) ________

Interviewee: If I can go into a chat group as a totally different person, it’s clear who I am is not an issue. It isn’t so much that you want be someone else, only that there are a lot of people who prefer to be anonymous.

Reporter: (4) _______

Interviewee: Security and privacy are the most important issues regarding the future of the Internet and cyberspace. The digital world is much more secure and more private than the analogue world, although the press has led people to believe the opposite. But we have to want to keep the digital world secure.

Reporter: (5) ______

Interviewee: For the time being, our process of converting bits into atoms is not very mature. But as it becomes more sophisticated, when we can display holographic images that we can enter, when we develop a tactile interface that we can explore with our senses, the Internet will provide us something that will be almost indistinguishable from the real world.

Reporter: (6) _______

Interviewee: On the contrary, I find this exhilarating. I am a self-proclaimed optimist about the digital age. I’m not going to suggest that there haven’t been any casualties. But they are few and far between. If you think about cyberspace as a nation, it is probably one of the most benevolent nations that has ever existed. It is a place where people believe that information should be free.

A) Does the possibility of such developments frighten you?

B) By pretending to be someone else?

C) Is digital communication a creation of our time?

D) What are the advantages of electronic mail over voice communication?

E) There is a great concern that the things we choose to read and watch or say over the Internet will be monitored in the future, and that we will have less freedom than we have now.

F) The Internet has already altered our conception of time. Will it do the same to our conception of reality?

G) I’m surprised to be talking to you. I’d have expected to be exchanging e-mail messages.

H) Is electronic communication helping to break down human inhibitions?

Answers

Beginner

Exercise 1

1) We live in London.

2) I work in the afternoon.

3) Do you work at night?

4) I start school at eight o’clock.

5) We don’t have school on Saturday.

6) I do my homework from five o’clock to seven o’clock.

7) Tom plays – the drums.

8) I listen to the radio every day.

9) When do you have dinner on weekdays?

10) I go – home at six o’clock.

11) Does Mary get up at five o’clock every day?

12) Joe arrives at the bank at eight o’clock.

Exercise 2

1) You don’t have lunch at half past one.

2) We don’t play tennis on Wednesdays.

3) Jane doesn’t go to work at quarter to seven.

4) They don’t do their homework in the kitchen.

5) My brother doesn’t collect stamps.

6) I didn’t buy a new car yesterday.

7) Fred can’t swim fast.

8) Jack didn’t have dinner at eight on Sunday.

Exercise 3

1) The films were not good yesterday.

2) Were you at school last week?

3) I had a dog when I was a little boy.

4) I didn’t like the film, because/ as it was bad.

5) Yesterday I worked for twelve hours.

6) His brother fell off a house last year.

7) Tom was in bed – last month.

8) I met – Jane on Monday.

9) My father worked in Africa six years ago.

10) Did they take the dog to the vet?

Exercise 4

1) near

2) there

3) it

4) when

5) of

6) has

7) away

8) with

9) made

10) and

11) will

12) but

13) only

14) paid

15) for

Exercise 5

1) of

2) it

3) so

4) there

5) too

6) after

7) some

8) of

9) are

10) me

11) and

12) sometimes

13) out

14) them

15) that

Exercise 6

1) I HAVE got two brothers.

2) HOW old is your mother?

3) I haven’t got Maths ON Tuesday.

4) THERE is a cinema in our street.

5) Where is your father – from?

6) Our house is next TO the river.

7) Can I buy postcards AT the bookshop?

8) They have got a house IN / NEAR our village.

9) HAS Mandy got a pet?

10) I must go TO the toilet.

11) Mandy and Tora are IN France today.

12) Are THERE museums in your town?

Exercise 7

1) Mr Jones is A dentist.

2) Jane gets up AT six o’clock.

3) We are at school IN the morning.

4) They don’t live IN Liverpool.

5) Do you listen TO the radion?

6) They work IN the evening.

7) What do you do in your FREE / SPARE time?

8) I do my homework FROM five o’clock to six o’clock.

9) When do they HAVE /START lunch?

10) Jane watches TV ON / EVERY Saturday.

11) You can buy pens AT the bookshop.

12)THERE is a swimming pool between the café and the cinema.

13) The museum is NEXT to our house.

14) Jane HAS got Science on Monday.

Exercise 8

1) had

2) some

3) of

4) got

5) up

6) other

7) then

8) him

9) quickly

10) somebody

11) such

12) with

13) it

14) if

15) and

Exercise 9

1) middle

2) something

3) towards

4) thought

5) then

6) because

7) of

8) went

9) on

10) had

11) through

12) last

13) that

14) his

15) them

Exercise 10

Yesterday I met my friend, Tom in the street. First he didn’t see me because he was looking at a shop window, but when I stood in front of him, he was very happy.

“What are you doing here? I asked him.

“I’m visiting my cousin. You know, he works at the post office.” He answered.

“And how is your wife?”

“Thanks, she’s OK now. She found a new job last month, and now she earns more than I do.”

“Oh, really? But why did she need a new job? Didn’t she like the office?”

“Two months ago her boss left the company, and they didn’t like each other with her new boss. While she was looking for a new job, she met one of her old school friends, who wanted a new secretary. He gave her the job immediately! Her only problem is that she has to travel three quarters of an hour every day to get to work.”

“But why doesn’t she go to work by car? Didn’t you have two cars when we met last time?”

“Yes, we did. But three weeks ago I had an accident. I was driving home from work when another car crashed into me. I was lucky that I didn’t have to go to hospital, because he was driving at 70 mph.” “You were really very lucky then. I have to go back to work now. It was nice to meet you.”

“Yes, and don’t forget to give us a ring when you’re in Brixton. You must come and visit us.”

“OK, thanks. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Exercise 11

1) Incorrect – (Correct: I want a new car now.)

2) Correct

3) Incorrect – (Correct: This cheese smells very bad.)

4) Correct

5) Correct

6) Incorrect – (Correct: My brother doesn’t like dogs.)

7) Correct

8) Incorrect – (Correct: Are you reading the book “Rich man, poor man”?)

9) Incorrect – (Correct: I don’t [or can’t] hear the TV.)

10) Correct

11) Correct

Exercise 12

1) Which film were you watching when your father came into the room?

2) Does your mother always get up at half past five?

3) We went to see “Star Wars – Episode 1” yesterday, but we didn’t like it.

4) When did you last meet Mary?

5) Were you sleeping while I was talking to you?

6) Does Mandy always listen to her teacher?

7) Look! Where is Jill taking her dog?

8) I opened the door and saw that Tom was washing up.

9) Jane knows that I love her. Then why is she doing this to me all the time?

10) Frank was reading the newspaper when Jane broke the window.

11) Jim broke his arm at school, and the teacher sent him to the hospital, but he didn’t go to the hospital, because he doesn’t like doctors.

Exercise 13

1) always

2) had

3) better

4) to

5) and

6) of

7) around

8) at

9) to

10) all

11) that

12) every

13) her

14) but

15) because

Exercise 14

1) _Does _ your father have breakfast at home?

2) What _are_ those girls looking at?

3) My brother never _sleeps_ in the afternoon.

4) Can Mary _play_ tennis?

5) Tom _doesn’t like_ dogs.

6) Jim _works_ in a factory.

7) We can’t _help_ you.

8) _Is_ Jane having a shower?

9) I _want_ a new car now.

10) Henry _is washing_ his car.

11) _Do you have_ a headache?

12) Where _is Mandy going_?

Exercise 15

1) Do you like Japanese cars?

2) I’m not watching TV now.

3) Where is Jack taking that book?

4) Jane lives in Coventry.

5) We don’t work at night.

6) Does your sister have dinner at home every evening?

7) They believe my story.

8) My brother never drives a car.

9) Do you always do your homework?

10) I don’t write books.

11) They are not playing football now.

12) Jill doesn’t like cats.

Exercise 16

1) Tom was born ON 2^nd July.

2) I don’t know anything about – photography.

3) I’m looking forward TO meeting you.

4) They spoke to Jane THE other day.

5) My brother always buys A lot of presents.

6) We met Johnny IN Scotland.

7) I don’t want to go BY train.

8) Do you play THE piano?

9) Please don’t FORGET to give Fred fresh water every day.

10) THERE are a lot of pets in England.

11) I like GOING/ TRAVELLING by plane.

12) I prefer PLAYING tennis to PLAYING football.

13) Not everybody believes IN “Nessie”.

14) We’re going to America IN April.

15) Take the second TURNING on the left.

Exercise 17

1) I usually get up AT six o’clock.

2) How OFTEN do you visit your grandparents?

3) WOULD you like to go to Ireland?

4) The two girls looked at ONE another.

5) How MANY visitors did you have?

6) I finished school a COUPLE of years ago.

7) HOW about taking a bus?

8) John’s father is A doctor.

9) We don’t go to THE cinema very often.

10) My father doesn’t like – cats.

11) I had A farm in Africa.

12) On THE / OUR way to Belgium we stopped twice.

13) We’ve got LOTS of tea.

Exercise 18

1) in

2) at

3) in

4) from – to

5) in

6) on

7) at

8) in

9) in

10) in

Exercise 19

1) in

2) at

3) in

4) to

5) on

6) at

7) to

8) in

9) in

10) at

Exercise 20

1) a house, church or school - building

2) it is built over a river for people to cross – bridge

3) you can keep water in it – bottle

4) all the things you take when traveling – baggage

5) the part of the seashore where you can swim – beach

6) a vehicle you can sit on – bicycle

7) you cover yourself with it in bed – blanket

8) you have it in the morning – breakfast

9) you can put your things in it – bag

10) it’s on your trousers, around your waist – belt

Exercise 21

1) apply - application

2) introduce – introduction

3) agree – agreement

4) arrive – arrival

5) describe – description

6) advertise – advertisement

7) begin – beginning

8) believe – belief

9) discuss – discussion

10) choose – choice

Exercise 22

1) – L)

2) – K)

3) – J)

4) – G)

5) – D)

6) – E)

7) – F)

8) – C)

9) – A)

10) – B)

11) – H)

12) – I)

Exercise 23

History: 2, 3, 6, 12, 15

Maths: 1, 7, 11, 13

Literature: 5, 8, 9, 17, 19, 20

Geography: 4, 10, 14, 16, 18

Exercise 24

1) balcony

2) spoon

3) poem

4) trumpet

5) lazy

6) street

7) bread

8) ham

9) toast

10) beautiful

Exercise 25

(Sometimes more answers can be correct.)

kitchen: 4, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16

bedroom: 1, 2, 6, 13, 15, 19

garden: 3, 10, 11, 14, 17

bathroom: 2, 4, 8, 9, 13, 18

study: 2, 5, 6, 7, 13, 15, 20

Exercise 26

Buildings:

1) bank

2) stadium

3) library

4) hospital

5) theatre

things in the kitchen:

1) knife

2) tap

3) sink

4) spoon

5) fridge

Exercise 27

Rubber: 1, 2, 11, 18

Wood: 3, 13, 17, 19, 20

Metal: 2, 4, 5, 7, 8, 13, 15, 16, 17, 19, 20

Plastic: 2, 3, 5, 8, 9, 11, 12, 15, 20

Leather: 1, 2, 6, 9, 12, 15

Glass: 2, 5, 10, 14, 20

Exercise 28

1) waiter/ waitress

2) dentist

3) teacher

4) car mechanic

5) police (man/ woman)

6) doctor

7) architect

8) butcher

9) actor/ actress

10) composer

11) baker

12) plumber

Exercise 29

1) - I

2) – B

3) – L

4) – A

5) – K

6) – F

7) – D

8) – J

9) – H

10) – C

11) – G

12) – E

Exercise 30

1) kitchen

2) bathroom

3) bedroom

4) hall

5) balcony

6) pantry

7) study

8) dining room

9) living room

10) attic

Exercise 31

1) bedroom

2) house

3) wallpaper

4) cellar

5) desk

6) fireplace

7) staircase

8) window

9) doorbell

10) bed

Words beginning with ‘H’.

Exercise 32

1) you have your eyes, nose and mouth here: HEAD

2) you live in it: HOUSE

3) when you’re ill, you go here: HOSPITAL

4) ninety-nine plus one: HUNDRED

5) opposite of love: HATE

6) it can be red, black or brown; old men sometimes don’t have it: HAIR

7) opposite of sad: HAPPY

8) when you want to eat, you’re: HUNGRY

9) when you can’t do something, you need this: HELP

10) sixty minutes: HOUR

Exercise 33

1) We are on HOLIDAY in France.

2) My HUSBAND is a teacher; we got married last year.

3) It’s HALF past six.

4) Put on your HAT; it’s cold outside.

5) This HISTORY lesson is very interesting.

6) He has a strange HOBBY: he collects Belgian beer bottles.

7) This pizza is too HOT; I can’t eat it now.

8) I must go HOME now; my children are waiting for me.

9) We stayed at a very nice HOTEL when we were in Italy last summer.

10) Wash your HAND before dinner, please.

Exercise 34

1 – E

2 – L

3 – H

4 – D

5 – K

6 – D

7 – J

8 – C

9 – G

10 – B

11 – I

12 – F

Exercise 35

1 – G

2 – E

3 – H

4 – J

5 – C

6 – A

7 – K

8 – I

9 – B

10 – L

11 – F

12 – D

Exercise 36

1 – E

2 – I

3 – H

4 – F

5 – B

6 – K

7 – J

8 – G

9 – A

10 – L

11 – D

12 – C

Exercise 37

1 – B

2 – D

3 – A

Sentence ‘C’ is not used.

Exercise 38

The correct order:

7, 2, 6, 1, 4, 8, 5, 3

Exercise 39

1) paper

2) money

3) frightened

4) bag

5) dropped

6) working

7) became

8) faster

9) went

10) crossed

Exercise 40

1) work

2) help

3) asked

4) car

5) bank

6) stay

7) said

8) street

9) thieves

10) returned

11) go

12) pistol

_______________________________________________________________

Intermediate

Exercise 1

1) Michael is said to be very bad-tempered.

2) It’s time we left for the station.

3) I’ll phone John tonight if you like / you’d like me to.

4) She took some aspirin so that she wouldn’t get a cold.

5) Joan hasn’t had her house painted yet.

6) Martha needn’t / doesn’t need to be told about our row, or needn’t / doesn’t need to know.

7) I haven’t seen Angie for a year/ since a year ago.

8) Old Mrs Martin could never have climbed these stairs.

9) It wasn’t till / until he got to the front door that he discovered (that) he had lost his keys.

10) Instead of going to France we went to Denmark.

Exercise 2

1) though

2) before

3) down

4) feeling

5) already

6) familiar

7) what

8) itself

9) on

10) in

11) with / giving

12) whose

13) it

14) which/ that

15) there

16) myself

17) same

18) so

19) away

20) up

Exercise 3

1) in

2) tells / is

3) while / when

4) on

5) beat

6) whole / entire

7) never

8) tears

9) cheeks

10) At

11) somehow

12) of

13) down

14) would

15) various

16) fell

17) he

18) when

19) into

20) was

Exercise 4

1) I’ve just been given an invitation to a party.

2) Ann is cleverer than Mark.

3) She’s hopeless at adding up figures.

4) If I hadn’t been reading (such) a fascinating book, I would have heard what he said.

5) By the time I got to the station, the train had left.

6) I didn’t really feel like going to the cinema.

7) It’s about time you had your eyes tested.

8) What I’m looking for is something to wear to a party.

9) She told me that she had to write to her parents soon.

10) We might be having the house repainted next year.

Exercise 5

1) I go to work BY train.

2) Terry doesn’t belong TO our group any more.

3) I met Joe AT the dance.

4) We haven’t seen him FOR a week.

5) They must do it, and the sooner THE better.

6) Joe’s standing AT the end of Victoria Road.

7) What ON earth is the matter?

8) Why are jealous OF Joe?

9) You must tell – your mother about it.

10) Is this the book - / THAT you need?

11) I did everything ON my own.

12) Don’t treat me LIKE a child.

13) The film - / THAT we saw was boring.

14) Everybody laughed AT Susan, because she looked so stupid.

15) I married – my wife in 1992.

Exercise 6

1) I haven’t found the answer yet.

2) Yesterday Jill wanted to meet Joe, but he had gone to England.

3) I had to do my homework last Saturday in the morning, because I had decided to go to a party in the evening.

4) You won’t be able to (or can’t) meet Frank tomorrow, because he is flying (or he’s going to fly) to America later today.

5) I wish I had done my homework yesterday.

6) All morning I was playing football while my sister was washing up.

7) When Jill arrived yesterday, Tom was sleeping.

8) I didn’t go to his party last night because he hadn’t invited me.

9) Jane couldn’t (or wasn’t able to) find her keys in the morning because she forgot (or had forgotten) where she had left them.

10) Are you going to the concert tomorrow?

Exercise 7

1) shown / proved

2) people’s / the / our

3) suffer

4) where

5) so

6) heard

7) of

8) much

9) flying

10) along

11) to

12) it

13) been

14) too

15) miss

16) though / although

17) can / may / does

18) less

19) left

20) up

Exercise 8

1) She apologized for not finishing / having finished her homework.

2) It is four years since he left college.

3) Mary asked John if he could lend her 5 pounds. or

… if she could borrow 5 pounds from him. or

… to lend her 5 pounds.

4) There was no room left in the hotel / were no vacancies in the hotel.

5) There’s no point (in) waiting any longer for the bus.

6) You needn’t / don’t have to / shouldn’t go to all that rouble.

7) Isn’t there any coffee left?

8) I gave up smoking two years ago.

9) I’m fond of / keen on swimming.

Exercise 9

1) You can’t (or: couldn’t) have seen Jack yesterday. He is out of town.

2) If you had been there, we would have had a good time.

3) By the time you finish work I will have been at the cinema for hours.

4) He will be having lunch tomorrow from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

5) I thought you had forgotten to come. I have been waiting for you for two hours.

6) Why hasn’t this letter been written yet? It should have been written yesterday.

7) He said he had been waiting since 4.

8) Have you ever visited Madame Tussaud’s?

9) While I was watching TV, my brother was playing the piano.

10) I bought this house two months ago.

11) Tom should have opened the door when he saw me.

12) I wish I had more money; now I can’t buy this dress.

13) If you had listened to him, you would have learnt a lot.

14) Mary said they would go (or: were going) to Italy next summer.

15) I am not used to working hard.

16) If they arrive on time, they’ll call us.

Exercise 10

1) We wouldn’t have missed the train if you had got dressed in time.

2) Jill would have come to the party if we had invited her.

3) If I hadn’t called Tom, I would not have known the results.

4) If you had gone to the concert, you would have enjoyed yourself.

5) What would you have done if I had failed you at the exam?

6) Where would Jane have gone if she had won the first prize?

7) Would you have been angry with me if I had forgotten about your birthday?

8) I wouldn’t have told you the truth if I had not had to.

9) They would have given me back my watch if they had found it.

Exercise 11

1 – B

2 – B

3 – C

4 – C

5 – D

6 – A

7 – A

8 – C

9 – D

10 – A

Exercise 12

1) Studying with the radio on isn’t easy.

2) It was so cold that they didn’t have the windows open.

3) You needn’t have paid so much for that dress.

4) Is it really necessary for him to make such a noise?

5) No one else played better than him in the competition.

6) She was too angry to speak.

7) It was such a long journey that we felt tired when we arrived.

8) It is unkind to laugh at other people’s misfortunes.

9) If he’d had enough money, he would have bought a house.

10) We’d have waited for you if we had known you were coming.

Exercise 13

1) Peter wasn’t early enough to see his cousin win the match.

2) She’d rather you bought a new car.

3) It’s the first time (that) I’ve seen that girl here.

4) She can eat any food/ everything apart from/ but/ except/ with the exception fo pickled onions.

5) Janet would like to apologize/ says that she’s sorry for being late this morning.

6) Mr Warden was buried/ cremated last week.

7) They needn’t have paid so much for their meal as they did.

8) Margaret advised Alan not to carry so much money in his hip pocket. Or: Margaret advised Alan against carrying…

9) It was such heavy traffic (that) we went by Underground.

10) Unless you queue you won’t get a seat. Or: you won’t have / haven’t (got) a chance of getting a seat.

Exercise 14

1) opposite

2) just

3) hour

4) any

5) behind

6) later

7) off

8) where

9) running/ going

10) round

11) speed

12) the

13) on

14) lying

15) who

16) before

17) later / parked

18) still

19) away

20) far

Exercise 15

1) I must remember _to leave_ some money to pay for the repairs.

2) She just went on _complaining_ about everything.

3) We mustn’t forget _to visit_ Monique when we’re in Paris.

4) Please remember _to close_ the door when you go out.

5) I tried _working_ in a department store, but it wasn’t a very good job.

6) I remember _closing_ the door, but I’m not sure that I locked it.

7) Oh dear! I think I forgot _to pay_ the rent this month.

8) She complained about everything else, and then she went on _t0 complain_ about the price.

9) I must remember _to go_ to the dentist on Wednesday.

10) I’ll never forget _visiting_ Paris for the first time.

11) I really regret _telling_ everyone what happened. I should have keep it a secret.

12) I remember _going_ to the dentist as a child.

13) You really must try _to work_ harder.

14) I remember _leaving_ the money in the drawer, but it’s not there now.

15) I regret _to tell_ you that there has been a serious accident.

16) I paid the electricity bill, but I don’t remember _paying_ the rent.

Exercise 16

1) long

2) –

3) –

4) for

5) –

6) at

7) –

8) on

9) do

10) –

11) –

12) on

13) used

14) in

15) –

16) to

Exercise 17

1) If you give me your cake, I’ll do your homework for tomorrow.

2) They were playing tennis while their mother was cooking dinner.

3) Did you have to go to work when you were a little boy?

4) Mary is traveling (or ‘is going to travel’) to England tomorrow.

5) They will be very happy when their parents arrive later today.

6) Look at those clouds in the sky – it’s going to rain soon!

7) She won’t like it if you open the window. Or

She wouldn’t like it if you opened the window.

8) Do you think that Mary will come to the disco tonight?

9) Jane went to the cinema yesterday, but she didn’t like the film.

10) They won’t have to wash the dishes tonight if you do it for them. Or

They wouldn’t have to wash the dishes tonight if you did it for them.

11) Did they buy this car when they were in England?

12) Jane never learns the new words; she is going to get a bad mark for her vocabulary test tomorrow.

Exercise 18

1) regularity

2) embarrassing

3) possibilities

4) encouraged

5) disapproval

6) talkative

7) injection

8) conversation

9) unforgettable

10) strengthen

Exercise 19

1) foolish

2) believable

3) atomic

4) productive

5) terrible

6) musical

7) hopeful, hopeless

8) progressive

9) forgettable, forgetful

10) restless, restful

11) reliable

12) successful

13) horrific

14) senseless, sensitive

15) talkative

16) selfish

17) reasonable

18) political

Exercise 20

1) instructor

2) unreliable

3) mislaid

4) deafening

5) simplify

6) knowledge

7) unexpectedly

8) enforce

9) comparably

10) poverty

Exercise 21

1) agreeable

2) critical

3) scientific

4) useful, useless

5) cultural

6) specific

7) noticeable

8) educational

9) athletic

10) speechless

11) remarkable

12) romantic

13) tropical

14) mathematical

15) philosophical

16) breakable

17) sociable

18) Spanish

Make or do?

Exercise 22

1) May I _make_ a suggestion, please?

2) Her husband never _does_ any housework.

3) How can you _do_ such a boring job?

4) The president _made_ his speech and sat down.

5) I have to _make_ a phonecall uregently.

6) My children hate _doing_ the washing up.

7) You mustn’t _make_ any noise.

8) Can you _do_ the shopping for me, please?

9) I’ve _made_ my decision, and it is final.

10) Who _made_ this stupid mistake?

11) I just wanted to _do_ you a favour, you know.

12) Oh, you’re always _making_ such a fuss about small things.

Exercise 23

1) Have you _made_ all the necessary arrangements?

2) My son doesn’t want to _ do_ military service.

3) Do you like _doing_ crossword puzzles?

4) Why don’t we _do_ something interesting?

5) John _made_ a final attempt, but he wasn’t successful.

6) You should really _make_ an effort and finish this job on time.

7) We didn’t _do_ French at school.

8) Last year the company _made_ a profit at last.

9) I hate Jill; she always _makes_ trouble.

10) We don’t want to _do_ business with you.

11) Fred _made_ an excuse and left the party.

12) Try to_do_ your best this time.

Exercise 24

1) proof

2) unsuitable

3) laughter

4) throughout

5) width

6) comparatively

7) variety

8) breakages

9) signature

10) lengthening

11) speechless

12) enjoyable

13) qualifications

14) disability

15) privacy

16) automatically

17) encouragement

Exercise 25

1) extremely

2) unpleasant

3) inefficient

4) carelessly

5) unkind

6) unattractive

7) happily

8) unreliable

9) faultless

10) dangerously

Exercise 26

1) unlocked

2) disagree

3) unfriendly

4) dishonest

5) unbreakable

6) unkind

7) dislike

8) misunderstood

9) disorder

10) dissatisfied

11) uncooked

12) unhelpful

13) disorganized

14) disqualified

15) dissimilarities

16) unpack

17) unnatural

Exercise 27

1) anti-nuclear

2) non-driver

3) redo

4) pre-1900

5) mislaid

6) over-enthusiastic

7) ex-king

8) post-1980

9) pro-war

Exercise 28

A – 4

B – 1

C – 6

D – 2

E – 5

F – 3

Exercise 29

Found

Said

Took

Exercise 30

1) B

2) D

3) A

4) D

5) B

6) A

7) D

8) A

9) D

10) B

11) C

12) A

13) D

14) A

15) C

16) D

17) A

18) D

Exercise 31

The correct order: C, B, E, A, D

Exercise 32

The correct order: 9, 1, 4, 5, 8, 3, 10, 7, 6, 11, 2

Exercise 33

The missing words are in CAPITAL letters.

The Second World War had begun, AND John wanted to join the army, BUT he was only 16 years old, AND boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. SO when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.

BUT John’s brother had joined the army a few days before, AND the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy’s family name, SO when he was John’s papers, he was surprised.

‘How old are you?’ he said.

‘Eighteen, sir,’ said John.

‘BUT your brother was eighteen, too,’ said the doctor. ‘Are you twins?’

‘Oh, no, sir,’ said John, AND his face went red. ‘My brother is five months older than I am.’

Exercise 34

These words were replaced:

‘AAA’ – school

‘BBB’ – home

‘CCC’ – was

Exercise 35

1) published

2) spending

3) impossible

4) companies

5) achieve

6) important

7) young

8) employees

9) likely

10) executive

Exercise 36

AAA – train

BBB – of

Exercise 37

Correct order: E, B, D, A, F, C

Exercise 38

1 – E

2 – C

3 – H

4 – B

5 – G

6 – I

7 – A

8 – F

Exercise 39

1 – C

2 – C

3 – A

4 – B

5 – B

6 – B

Exercise 40

1) between

2) plane

3) length

4) although

5) quiet

6) holidays

7) most

8) spent

9) death

10) share

Exercise 41

1) football

2) electrician

3) club

4) game

5) buzz

6) hunger

7) midfielder

8) knee

9) plaster

10) operation

11) months

12) injury

13) contrast

14) doubts

Advanced

Exercise 1

Struck-off nurse gets ok to work

A nurse struck off the professional register following a suicide in Bishop’s Stortford has been allowed back on it just days after the health authority admitted liability and provisionally agreed to pay out a “substantial” sum to the dead woman’s family. Peter Hollerin (33) was one of two male nurses axed from the nursing register in 1996 after being found guilty of misconduct in allowing a suicidal patient to walk to her death. Tanya Kersey, a 37-year-old teacher who was a psychiatric patient at Harlow’s Princess Alexandra Hospital in 1992, died on a Bishop’s Stortford railway crossing in August of that year. Yesterday, Mrs Kersey’s husband, Trevor, of Piggotts Way, Bishop’s Stortford, said he was surprised and disappointed at the committee’s decision. His solicitor Helena Myska, of Stanley Tee and Co, said she was also surprised, adding that last week’s admission of negligence by North Essex Health Authority was the culmination of “a very long drawn out process that didn’t help anybody”.

The decision to restore Mr Hollerin to the register was made after a hearing at the Nurses’ Professional Conduct Committee on Friday. Chairwoman Dame Mary Uprichard stressed the decision did not negate or condone what had happened six years ago, nor did it undermine the committee’s original findings. “You should appreciate that this was a very serious matter, to be found guilty of professional misconduct,” she added. Mr Hollerin expressed deep regret on Friday and added that he recognized the mistakes he had made had been grave. Katrina Wingfield, of the UK Central Council for Nursing, Midwifery and Health Visiting, had previously told the committee that Mrs Kersey – referred to as Mrs A – was to be checked every 15 minutes.

But Mr Hollerin failed to attempt to carry out checks between 7.30 am and 8.40 pm and inaccurately completed an incident report. A spokesman for Essex and Herts Community Trust, would not say whether Mr Hollerin would be re-employed. Speaking generally, she said cases would be assessed, bearing in mind registration signified the professional committee’s belief they were safe to practice. The trust would be sensitive to the local – whether it was in everyone’s interest a nurse should return to the same area, she added. NEHA refused to comment.

Exercise 2

1) since

2) face

3) by

4) if / whether

5) at

6) spite

7) met

8) without

9) which

10) why

11) direction

12) must

13) Although/ Though

14) faster

15) would

16) way

17) seemed

18) whom

19) changed

20) in

Exercise 3

1) Luckily, there was not much damage done TO the car.

2) I don’t think we’ll ever find the solution TO this problem.

3) Lucy made out a cheque FOR $500.

4) There’s been an increase IN the price of corn recently.

5) Her attitude TOWARDS / TO her parents is unbelievable.

6) We haven’t received an invitation TO the party yet.

7) Jane always had a very good relationship WITH her parents.

8) Their reaction TO the news was predictable.

9) The reason FOR the accident is not yet known.

10) There is a great demand FOR American cigarettes in some countries.

11) Everybody agreed that there was a need FOR change.

12) The advantage OF buying big quantities is obvious.

13) The police saw no connection BETWEEN the two crimes.

14) When Jane received a reply TO her letter, she started crying.

15) The key TO the survival of our company is to increase efficiency.

16) The fall IN the sale of alcohol is a result of successful campaigning.

17) Jill could clearly see the disadvantages OF traveling alone.

Exercise 4

1) It was really very stupid OF you to ask that question.

2) We’re terribly sorry ABOUT the noise we made last night.

3) Fred was shocked AT / BY his girlfriend’s behaviour.

4) I was furious ABOUT the proposals; they were just utter nonsense.

5) What are you so nervous ABOUT?

6) Were they not sorry at all FOR / ABOUT leaving you like that?

7) He is not usually cruel TO animals.

8) Jack was simply delighted BY the presents he got.

9) I’m really impressed BY / WITH your French; where did you learn it so well?

10) Joan soon got bored WITH doing the same thing every day.

Exercise 5

Teenage mugger given life for snatching a bag

1) being

2) for

3) pass

4) though

5) accused

6) of

7) had

8) if

9) would

10) take

11) ensure

12) into

13) the

14) put

15) no

16) of

17) serve

18) until

19) so

20) By

Exercise 6

Dial ‘F’ for fish

There is something fishy _going_ on in Borneo: fishermen _are stealing_ pay phones and _using_ them as electronic bait _to lure_ fish.

In the past year, about 900 of the 3,500 Telekom Malaysia pay phones _were stolen_ in the state of Sabah on Borneo Island, _said_ a senior official of the company, Ahmad Zaini Mohammad Amin.

“Even our telephone manufacturer in Italy _is_ baffled by the thefts,” he _was reported_ as _saying_ by local newspapers.

Investigations _have revealed_ that the fishermen _cut off_ the handsets, _connect_ them to high-powered batteries and _lower_ them into the water. The electricity _passing_ through the microphones _produces_ a high-pitched sound that _attracts_ fish into the nets, Ahmad _said_.

Fisheries Department Director General Shahrom Abdul Majid _told_ a newspaper he _was_ convinced the explanation _was_ accurate.

He _was quoted_ as _saying_ that some aquariums in Japan _release_ piped music into tanks and the fish _move_ to the rhythm. “It almost _looks_ as if they _were dancing_,” he _said_.

“I also _heard_ of fishermen in the east coast [of Malaysia] _knocking_ bamboo sticks underwater _to produce_ a sound which _attracts_ a particular species of fish,” Shahrom _said_.

“Light can also _be used_ as an effective way of _luring_ fish, but most people _don’t know_ fish also _respond_ to all kinds of sound,” he _added_.

The criminal innovation _came_ to light because of the unusually high number of telephone thefts last year. Normally, only about 800 of 40,000 pay phones _installed_ throughout the country _are vandalized_ every year, Ahmad _was quoted _ as _saying_.

Exercise 7

1) series/ number

2) through

3) looking

4) with

5) to

6) what

7) this

8) very

9) without

10) sales/ pep

11) to

12) by

13) what

14) said/ answered/ etc

15) There

16) mentioned

17) told/ informed

18) for

19) on

20) let

Exercise 8

1) D

2) C

3) B

4) B

5) A

6) D

7) D

8) C

9) B

10) C

Exercise 9

1) with

2) off / out

3) by

4) After / On

5) for

6) ourselves

7) for / towards

8) had

9) all / right

10) no

11) making / heading

12) of

13) delight / joy

14) sight / spectacle

15) ends

16) them

17) search

18) somewhere

19) far

20) there

Exercise 10

1) The firm made a loss of 100,000 pounds last year owing to strikes.

2) John might be said to be a little difficult sometimes.

3) He booked in advance to avoid having to join the rush hour later on.

4) I sent that elderly woman in the wrong direction, I’m afraid.

5) The book I wanted was little / not often / seldom in demand.

6) The car needn’t / doesn’t need to be washed till tomorrow.

7) It was strong tea because he’d used too many spoonfuls.

8) Would you mind my asking / if I asked (you) a personal question?

9) It was the first time I had had to do anything so difficult. Or

It was the most difficult thing I had ever had to do.

10) The ink was too faded for me to read the words.

Exercise 11

1 – D

2 – B

3 – B

4 – C

5 – A

6 – C

7 – A

8 – C

9 – A

10 – C

Exercise 12

1 – A

2 – B

3 – C

4 – B

5 – D

6 – D

7 – D

8 – A

9 – A

10 – D

Exercise 13

1) B, C

2) A, D

3) B, E

4) D, E

5) C, D

6) B, D

7) A, B

8) B, C

9) B, E

10) C, D

11) B, C

12) D, E

Exercise 14

1) at

2) –

3) down

4) –

5) from

6) –

7) were

8) the

9) such

10) a

11) over

12) of

13) if

14) –

15) who

16) on

17) have

Exercise 15

1) B C

2) A C

3) B C

4) A D

5) B D

6) C E

7) A D

8) D E

9) B E

10) C D

11) A C

12) C D

Exercise 16

1) B

2) C

3) A

4) B

5) D

6) B

7) C

8) D

9) A

10) B

11) A

Exercise 17

1) A bird in the hand F) is worth two in the bush.

2) It’s no use J) crying over spilt milk.

3) One swallow G) doesn’t make a summer.

4) There’s no smoke A) without fire.

5) Strike while I) the iron is hot.

6) The proof of the pudding B) is in the eating.

7) Once bitten, H) twice shy.

8) Truth is stranger E) than fiction.

9) Easier said C) than done.

10) Easy come, D) easy go.

Exercise 18

1) As cool G) as a cucumber.

2) As thick E) as two short planks.

3) As light A) as a feather.

4) As regular J) as clockwork.

5) As fit B) as a fiddle.

6) As good I) as gold.

7) As dry C) as a bone.

8) As heavy D) as lead.

9) As high H) as a mountain.

10) As deep F) as the sea.

Exercise 19

1) have an unusually good effect – work wonders

2) too much work and not enough relaxation will make people bored – all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

3) a job that one expects to do in the course of one’s work; something that is not very difficult – it’s all in the day’s work

4) if people work together, they can do a job more easily – many hands make light work

5) quickly and easily successful – work like charm

6) when people don’t have enough work to do, they make trouble – the devil finds work for idle hands

7) criminal activity – dirty work

8) too tiring or troublesome to do – too much like hard work

9) laziness is wrong – hard work never hurt anybody

10) an unpleasant or dangerous person – a nasty piece of work

Almost all my colleagues from the office came to help us, and we were able to paint the house very quickly, because many hands make light work.

This new medicine the doctor prescribed for me worked wonders.

I don’t want to be on the team if Jack is there too; he’s a nasty piece of work.

Don’t leave your children at home with nothing to do; the devil finds work for idle hands.

Your marketing ideas really worked like a charm for our company.

He was very cunning; he always had others do the dirty work for him, so the police couldn’t catch him.

I believe your son is taking his studies too seriously; you know the saying: all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

I thought it would be very difficult to have the tap repaired, but Fred said jit was it’s all in the day’s work for him.

His garden is very untidy; looking after it would be too much like hard work for him.

Why don’t you concentrate more on your job? Hard work never hurt anybody, you know.

Exercise 20

1) Luckily the man turned out to be a very successful businessman.

2) He’s very rich, but he’s a crook: he’s obtained almost everything he owns dishonestly!

3) I’ll always remember his first novel: it’s unforgettable.

4) That old man’s very selfish: he thinks of no one but himself.

5) The ring she lost was given to her by her mother and is irreplaceable.

6) The club meets every other week, so it’s a fortnightly meeting.

7) What she did was perfectly lawful, so she needn’t fear the police.

8) I know he promised to do the job, but he’s very unreliable.

9) I had no idea where we were: we were hopelessly lost!

10) He accepted what had happened to him very philosophically.

Exercise 21

1 – H

2 – J

3 – A

4 – L

5 – B

6 – E

7 – C

8 – K

9 – D

10 – I

11 – F

12 – G

Exercise 22

1) back

2) band

3) bridge

4) lunch

5) pounds

6) cat

7) gold

8) horse

9) safe

10) chew

11) chickens

12) taste

13) pudding

14) smooth

15) cooks

Exercise 23

1) A

2) A

3) B

4) D

5) C

6) D

7) B

8) A

9) C

10) A

11) D

12) D

Exercise 24

1) impossible

2) immature

3) inexperienced

4) incomplete

5) incorrect

6) impractical

7) indirect

8) irrelevant

9) incapable

10) insincere

11) inaccurate

12) insensitive

13) illegitimate

14) invisible

15) illegal

16) inconvenient

17) illogical

Exercise 25

1 – B

2 – A

3 – C

4 – D

5 – C

6 – C

7 – A

8 – C

9 – B

10 – A

11 – A

12 – B

Exercise 26

1) signature

2) hopeless

3) accuracy

4) inspection

5) overflowed

6) daily

7) dangerous

8) explosion

9) conscientious

10) tropical

Exercise 27

1 – C

2 – B

3 – D

4 – C

5 – A

6 – C

7 – D

8 – C

9 – B

10 – A

11 – B

12 – C

Exercise 28

1 – B

2 – D

3 – B

4 – D

5 – C

6 – A

7 – D

8 – B

9 – C

10 – B

11 – A

12 – D

Exercise 29

1) C

2) D

3) D

4) B

5) C

6) A

7) B

8) D

9) B

10) A

11) A

12) B

Exercise 30

1) C

2) A

3) B

4) B

5) D

6) A

7) C

8) C

9) A

10) C

11) C

12) D

Exercise 31

1) B

2) C

3) A

4) C

5) B

6) D

7) C

8) A

9) B

10) D

11) A

12) C

Exercise 32

1) A

2) B

3) D

4) C

5) A

6) D

7) B

8) A

9) C

10) B

11) D

12) A

Exercise 33

1) B

2) A

3) B

4) A

5) D

6) C

7) B

8) D

9) A

10) C

Exercise 34

1) B

2) D

3) A

4) C

5) D

6) A

7) B

8) B

9) A

10) D

Exercise 35

1 – C

2 – A

3 – D

Exercise 36

1) False

2) Not found in the text

3) True

4) True

5) Not found in the text

6) False

7) False

8) True

9) True

10) True

11) True

12) Not found in the text

13) True

14) True

15) False

16) True

Exercise 37

The missing last sentence:

While the FDA doesn’t have to go along with such recommendations, it usually does.

Exercise 38

The correct order^

Godzilla the Germ: 7, 3, 13, 1, 4, 10, 11, 9

Sharks to the Rescue: 5, 14, 12, 8, 2, 6

Exercise 39

1 – C

2 – E

3 – A

4 – B

Sentence “D” is not needed.

Exercise 40

The correct order:

C – E – A – D – B

Exercise 41

1) True

2) False

3) False

4) Not stated

5) False

Exercise 42

1) True

2) False

3) Not stated

4) True

5) True

Exercise 43

1) I

2) E

3) K

4) B

5) F

6) L

7) A

8) M

9) C

10) J

11) G

Exercise 44

1) D

2) H

3) B

4) E

5) F

6) A

________________________________________________________

Appendix 1

PHYSICS NEWS

The American Institute of Physics

Bulletin of Physics News

DIGITAL ENTROPY. How much information does it take to control something? By combining thermodynamics with information theory, MIT researchers have determined the minimum amount of information one needs to bring an unruly object under control, providing quantitative answers to such subjects as taming chaos. From the perspective of thermodynamics, controlling an object means reducing its disorder, or entropy. Lowering the disorder of a hot gas, for example, decreases the number of possible microscopic arrangements in the gas. This in turn removes some of the uncertainty from the gas’s detailed properties. According to information theory, this reduced uncertainty is tantamount to increased information about the gas. Applying this “digital entropy” perspective to the notion of control, the researchers found that controlling an object becomes possible when one acquires enough information about it (and then applies this information to the object) to keep the uncertainties in its properties at manageable levels. Chaotic systems are particularly hard to control because they constantly manifest new amounts of uncertainty in their properties. Perhaps there is no better everyday example of chaos than steering a car: a tiny change in steering can quickly be amplified into a huge change in course. For example, if a blindfolded driver initially knows that her car is within two feet from a curb, tiny fluctuations in steering can make this uncertainty 4 feet after one second, 8 feet after two seconds, and so on. Only if the driver receives second-by-second instructions for adjusting the steering to keep the uncertainty down to the two-feet level does she have any hope of controlling it. If the driver makes such steering adjustments only half as frequently, her car will go out of control (crash into the curb) but it will take exactly twice the amount of time than if no adjustments were made.

THE MOST PROTON-RICH NUCLEUS, nickel-48, has been produced for the first time at the GANIL accelerator in France, where beams of nickel-58 atoms are smashed into a target. (Nickel is conspicuous for the range of its isotope varieties: Ni-78, in contrast to Ni – 48, is one of the most neutron-rich of nuclei.) Ni-48 has been of special interest to physicists since it is a “doubly magic” nucleus. A nucleus is exalted as being “magic” if the neutrons or protons exactly fill up one of those shells (analogous to the electron shells in atom) that nature decrees as the model for stability. It was not easy making the Ni-48. Producing just four Ni-48 nuclei required more than 10ˆ17 incoming Ni-58 atoms. The likelihood for creating Ni-48 in this collision process is expressed as a “cross section” of only 50 “femtobarns,” the smallest cross section ever measured in nuclear physics. Nevertheless, the apparent lifetime of the Ni-48 nuclei, about half a microsecond, gives the researchers hope that they can look for signs of a never-before-seen form of radioactivity, di-proton decay. That is, with a larger sample, the GANIL scientists believe they might observe one of the Ni-48 nuclei spitting out a two-proton parcel.

GUIDING NEUTRAL ATOMS AROUND CURVES can be performed with tiny current-carrying wires which deflect the atoms through a lithographically patterned “atom waveguide.” Physicists at the University of Colorado and from NIST-Boulder send laser-cooled (42 micro-Kelvin) atoms into a 10-cm guide where they undergo three curves (with a 15-cm radius of curvature). Three million atoms per second can be sent through the course; at the far end, the atoms are ionized and then counted. A possible use for the new waveguide, part of a growing toolbox of atom optics components, will be in atom interferometry and other forms of high-precision metrology. The researchers hope to send atoms (or should we say atom?) from a Bose-Einstein condensate into the waveguide.

SANDSTONE TORTUOSITY. In conventional nuclear magnetic resonance (NMR) imaging, a liquid is the working substance. For example, the hydrogen nuclei in watery living tissue are weakly oriented by a powerful magnet, and then these nuclei signal their positions by emitting radio waves. By contrast, gas-phase NMR imaging has been difficult because of the low density of gases, which yields only a weak NMR signal. Recently, however, practical NMR imaging has been realized for noble-gas atoms by strongly orienting the nuclei (with polarized laser light) outside the sample and then injecting them into, say, the lungs, where they rapidly diffuse into the deepest of alleyways, providing data that can’t be collected in any other way. In a new extension of gas-phase NMR to the study of porous materials such as oil-bearing sandstone and carbonate rocks, the aim right now is not so much to provide images (the rapid diffusion of the gas atoms limits the spatial resolution, as one would expect for a moving target, to about one millimeter) as it is to characterize internal topology. Ronald Walsworth and his colleagues at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophyics and Schlumberger-Doll inject xenon atoms into various rock samples filled with countless pores and connections, which affect the rate of gas diffusion and flow in the porous solid. They determine such things as the pore surface-area-to-volume ratio and a property called ‘tortuosity,’ which is an indication of how the structure of the porous medium restricts the flow of gases or liquids through the material. In this sense, tortuosity is to fluid flow what the structure of a wire (cross-section, length, ect.) is to the flow of electricity. Noble gases may be handier to use than liquids in NMR studies of rocks and other porous materials since the gas can flow further and faster through the pores without losing its orientation.

WAVY MICROSTRUCTURES, induced to grow in a polymer surface by a stressful puckering process, might be useful as a diffraction grating or as a part of various microelectromechanical systems (MEMS). George Whitesides, Ned Bowden, and their colleagues at Harvard begin by heating a film of the elastic polymer material PDMS (polydimethylsiloxane) attached to a glass slide. The top coating of the film expands when heated, after which it is exposed to an oxygen plasma, which makes a silica-like crust. When the whole sample is cooled, the silica layer relieves the stress by puckering. The waves are locally ordered but will be rather disorderly on a global level unless an extra organizational rule can be imposed, in this case in the form of a bas-relief pattern on the PDMS surface. The resulting wavy structures can be made with wavelengths as small as half a micron. This might facilitate a variety of uses, such as being part of a detection system for microfluidic devices, as stamps for microcontact printing, as masks for photolithography, or as surfaces on which cells can be grown and oriented.

NEPTUNE DIAMONDS. The crushing conditions inside Neptune and Uranus are recreated at UC Berkeley, where a tiny sample of methane is squeezed in a diamond anvil press up to pressures of 30-50 GPa (more than 10 million atm) and heated with laser light to temperatures to 3000 K.Scattered x rays and infrared light indicate that some of the methane is being converted into 10-micron-sized diamonds and certain polymers at pressures much below what had been expected. This result might lead to some re-assessment of planetary interiors since a wide-spread dissociation of methane would release considerable energy, affecting the dynamics and evolution of the planet in a big way.

THE 1999 NOBEL PRIZE FOR PHYSICS goes to Gerardus’t Hooft of the University of Utrecht and Martinus Veltman, formerly of the University of Michigan and now retired, for their work toward deriving a unified framework for all the physical forces.

Their efforts, part of a tradition going back to the nineteenth century, centers around the search for underlying similarities or symmetries among disparate phenomena, and the formulation of these relations in a complex but elegant mathematical language. A past example would be James Clerk Maxwell’s demonstration that electricity and magnetism are two aspects of a single electro-magnetic force. Naturally, this unification enterprise has met with various obstacles along the way. In this century, quantum mechanics was combined with special relativity, resulting in quantum field theory.

This theory successfully explained many phenomena, such as how particles could be created or annihilated or how unstable particles decay, but it also seemed to predict, nonsensically, that the likelihood for certain interactions could be infinitely large.

Richard Feynman, along with Julian Schwinger and Sin-Itiro Tomonaga, tamed these infinities by redefining the mass and charge of the electron in a process called renormalization. Their theory, quantum electrodynamics (QED), is the most precise theory known, and it serves as a prototype for other gauge theories (theories which show how forces arise from underlying symmetries), such as the electroweak theory, which assimilates the electromagnetic and weak nuclear forces into a single model.

However, the electroweak model too was vulnerable to infinities and physicists were worried that the theory would be useless. Then ‘t Hooft and Veltman overcame the difficulty (and the anxiety) through a renormalization comparable to Feynman’s. To draw out the distinctiveness of Veltman’s and Hooft’s work further, one can say that they succeeded in renormalizing a non-Abelian gauge theory, whereas Feynman had renormalized an Abelian gauge theory (quantum electrodynamics). What does this mean? A mathematical function (such as the quantum field representing a particle’s whereabouts) is invariant under a transformation (such as a shift in the phase of the field) if it remains the same after the transformation.

One can consider the effect of two such transformations, A and B. An Abelian theory is one in which the effect of applying A and then B is the same as applying B first and then A. A non-Abelian theory is one in which the order for applying A and B does make a difference.

Getting the non-Abelian electroweak model to work was a formidable theoretical problem.

An essential ingredient in this scheme was the existence of another particle, the Higgs boson (named for Peter Higgs), whose role (in a behind-the-scenes capacity) is to confer mass upon many of the known particles. For example, interactions between the Higgs boson and the various force-carrying particles result in the W and Z bosons (carriers of the weak force) being massive (with masses of 80 and 91 GeV, respectively) but the photon (carrier of the electromagnetic force) remaining massless.

With Veltman’s and ‘t Hooft’s theoretical machinery in hand, physicists could more reliably estimate the masses of the W and Z, as well as produce at least a crude guide as to the likely mass of the top quark. (Mass estimates for exotic particles are of billion-dollar importance if Congress, say, is trying to decide whether or not to build an accelerator designed to discover that particle.) Happily, the W, Z, and top quark were subsequently created and detected in high-energy collision experiments, and the Higgs boson is now itself an important quarry at places like Fermilab’s Tevatron and CERN’s Large Hadron Collider, under construction in Geneva.

THE 1999 NOBEL PRIZE IN CHEMISTRY goes to Ahmed H. Zewail of Caltech, for developing a technique that enables scientists to watch the extremely rapid middle stages of a chemical reaction.

Relying on ultra-fast laser pulses, “femtosecond spectroscopy” can provide snapshots far faster than any camera – it can capture the motions of atoms within molecules in the time scale of femtoseconds (10ˆ-15 s).

An atom in a molecule typically performs a single vibration in just 10-100 femtoseconds, so this technique is fast enough to discern each and every step of any known chemical reaction. Shining pairs of femtosecond laser pulses on molecules (the first to initiate a reaction and the second to probe it) and studying what type of light they absorb yields information on the atoms’ positions within the molecules at every step of a chemical reaction. With this technique, Zewail and his colleagues first studied (in the late 1980s) a 200-femtosecond disintegration of iodocyanide (ICN - >I+CN), observing the precise moment at which a chemical bond between iodine and carbon was about to break.

Since then, femtochemistry has revealed a completely new class of intermediate chemical compounds that exist less than a trillionth of a second between the beginning and end of a reaction. It has also provided a way for controlling the courses of chemical reaction and developing desirable new materials for electronics. It has provided insights on the dissolving of liquids, corrosion, and catalysis on surfaces; and the molecular-level details of how chlorophyll molecules can efficiently convert sunlight into useable energy for plants during the process of photosynthesis.

EXTRA INVISIBLE DIMENSIONS are for particle physicists what they are for Star Trek captains: a device for covering a lot of ground quickly and explaining anomalous behavior. In physics the importation of extra dimensions into the standard theory helps to make peace between quantum mechanics and general relativity, but it doesn’t explain the great disparity (the “hierarchy problem”) between the temperature at which the weak and electromagnetic forces fuse together (10ˆ2 GeV, expressed in energy units) and the temperature at which gravity joins up with the other forces (10ˆ18 GeV), a temperature so hot, or an energy so high, that such conditions have not prevailed since a tiny moment after the big bang. Some theories contend that we are not aware of the extra dimensions because they extend only a very short distance, far smaller than the size of an atom.

Yet, another way of playing with spacetime is to introduce a new dimension essentially infinite in extent but one in which gravitons, the carriers of gravity, would largely be locked up in localized regions, at least in the extra dimension. This exciting new idea, advanced by Lisa Randall of Princeton and Raman Sundrum, now at Stanford, has the effect of fusing gravity with the other known forces at the more reasonable energy of 10³ GeV (rather than at 10¹⁸ GeV), thus solving the hierarchy problem.

One testable implication of the new hypothesis would be the existence of exotic new particles, which could be detectable at energies to be available in a few years at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) under construction in Geneva.

WAVE PROPERTIES OF BUCKYBALLS have been observed in an experiment at the University of Vienna. Physical objects from quarks to planets have wavelike attributes. The quantum nature of a bowling bowl, unfortunately, is not manifest since its equivalent quantum (or de Broglie) wavelength is so tiny that interference effects (for example, the left part of the ball negating the right part of the ball) cannot be detected in a practical experiment. However, the wave properties of some composite entities, such as atoms and even small molecules, have previously been demonstrated. Now Anton Zeilinger at the University of Vienna has been able to perform the same feat for fullerenes, the largest objects (by a factor of ten) for which wavelike behavior has been seen. The researchers send a beam of the soccerball-shaped C-60 molecules (with velocities of around 200 m/sec) through a system of baffles and a grating (with slits 5 nm wide, 100 nm apart), which yields a striking interference pattern characteristic of quantum behavior. Ironically, the pattern indicating wave behavior is built up from an ensemble of individual sightings, each of which depends upon a buckyball’s particle-like ability to make itself felt in an electrode. The interference is not negated thereby since it is not known by which path the C-60 came to be at he electrode.

STRIPED SUPERCONDUCTIVITY. In high-temperature ceramic superconductors, currents flow mostly in the plane. But if special dopants (such as neodymium) are added to La-Sr-Cu-O materials, the supercurrents seem to be further restricted to narrow lanes or stripes.

In these materials, rows of charges are separated by insulating antiferromagnetic regions (in which neighboring atomic spins oppose each other), so they are referred to as charge-ordered or spin-ordered materials. Since the stripes occur preferentially at lower temperatures, physicists are not sure whether the stripes help or hurt superconductivity. Two new experiments (in which the superconductivity is turned off, the better to study underlying electronic properties) add some fresh perspective. A University of Tokyo team (Noda et al.) uses a strong magnetic field to produce a Hall effect, in which electrons should be pushed sideways by the field.

A resistance to this effect is taken as evidence for a “self-organized” one-dimensional charge flow. Meanwhile a Stanford-LBL-Tokyo team (Zhou et al.) shoots UV photons into their samples and observes the ejected electrons that come flying out. The telltale photo-electron pattern maps back to charge flows in the sample that must have been organized into stripes.

GRAVITY’S GRAVITY. A new experiment at the University of Washington seeks to determine whether the gravitational binding energy of an object generates gravity of its own. As formulated by Albert Einstein, the Equivalence Principle (EP) states that if we stand in a closed room we cannot tell whether the weight we feel is the result of gravity pulling down or the force of a rocket carrying us forward through otherwise empty space. All of this gets complicated in some theories of gravity, which predict that the EP will be violated to a small degree since in addition to the usual gravity, carried from place to place by spin-two particles called gravitons, there should exist another, fainter kind of gravity carried by spin-zero particles (sometimes called dilatons). For this reason, and because recent observations of supernovas suggest that some repulsive gravitational effects might be at work in the cosmos, scientists want to explore the possibility of EP violations. Three decades of lunar laser ranging (bouncing light off reflectors placed on the Moon) show that the Moon and the Earth fall toward the Sun with the same acceleration to within half a part in a trillion (10¹²). What the Washington physicists have done is focus attention on the subject of gravitational binding energy, or self-energy, and whether it too obeys the EP. To illustrate the concept of binding energy, consider that the mass of an alpha particle is actually about 28 MeV less than the sum of its constituents. This energy (about 7.6 parts in a thousand of the alpha mass) represents the energy (vested in the strong nuclear force) needed to hold two protons and two neutrons together inside the alpha. Gravity being very much weaker than the strong nuclear force, the gravitational binding energy, the self-energy of gravity attraction, is almost infinitesimal. For example, self-energy effectively reduces the mass energy of the Earth by a factor of only about 4.6 parts in 10¹⁰. Is this tiny “mass” also subject to the EP? Supplementing existing lunar laser ranging results with new data from special test masses mounted on a sensitive torsion balance to take into account the different compositions of the Earth and Moon, the Washington physicists show that that gravitational self-energy does obey the equivalence principle at the level of at least one part in a thousand. Thus, gravitational self-energy does indeed generate its own gravity.

VACUUM TUES ATTEMPT A COMEBACK. Vacuum tubes were the backbone of the electronics industry until the 1960s, when their large size, excessive power dissipation, and lack of integration allowed solid-state technology to win out. Now forests of 100-nm sized nanotriodes might bring vacuum designs back, at least for niche applications. Researchers at the University of Cambridge have made an anode-gate-cathode device in which the cathode consists of multiple nanopillars, which can be crowded together in a dense formation. This will eventually enable nanotriode densities of 10⁹ per cmˆ2 (including interconnects) to be reached, comparable with the best packing densities for metal-oxide-semiconductor (MOS) transistors, the electronics industry workhorse. Shooting electrons through vacuum rather than a semiconductor not only makes switching fast (the ballistic electrons always travel without scattering), but gives nanotriodes a few advantages over MOS technology: the nanotriodes are radiation resistant, operate well at high and low temperatures, and, because they are vertically-oriented, will permit integration in the third dimension, allowing even greater packing densities. Electrons (or, more accurately, the electron waves) issuing from the nanopillars are coherent and highly focused, and might be useful for doing holography or nanolithography. Remaining problems with this vacuum design include a relatively high operating voltage (10 V) for large scale integration applications and the reproducibility and longevity of the nanotriodes.

ORIGIN OF RADIO JETS NEAR A BLACK HOLE. Black holes don’t just sit there spiderlike swallowing stars. They also fling out vast plumes of light emitting material; these collimated streams can stretch for hundreds of thousands of light years. One of the closest of these conspicuous jets is to be found at the heart of galaxy M87, about 50 million light years away from Earth. Presumably, the jet originates at an accretion disk surrounding a supermassive black hole. Previously radio mapping of this spot in the sky did not possess sufficient resolving power to see precisely where the jet begins. But now, by pooling the extended radiowave gathering power of the Very Long Baseline Array (VLBA), the Very Large Array (VLA), and telescopes in Italy Sweden, Finland, Germany, and Spain, astronomers have nailed down the jet origin to within tenths of a light year of the black hole’s location. The resulting image shows that the jet’s initial opening angle is 60 degrees, the widest ever seen for a jet, although the jet becomes much more focused (6 degrees) further downstream. (Junor et al., Nature, 28 Oct.)

GOLD CHAINS ARE PRIZED not only as jewelry but also for their atomic properties. By plunging a scanning microscope probe into a gold surface and then retracting the tip a string of several (perhaps as many as seven) gold atoms can be produced. The binding strength between atoms in the chain is at least about half that between atoms in bulk gold and so the chain is somewhat stable. Transmission electron microscope (TEM) pictures of the chains seem to indicate that the atoms are much as 4 to 5 angstroms apart, but other measurements, such as conductance tests, imply the gap was more like 3 angstroms or less. So what are the gold atoms doing? This puzzle is addressed by a group of scientists from several Spanish labs (plus a contingent at the University of Illinois contact Daniel Sanchez-Portal, daniel@roma.physics.uiuc.edu) whose computer simulations suggest that the atoms lie not on a straight line but on a zig-zag (spaced about 2.5 angstroms apart) and that, furthermore, the chain should be spinning around its long axis. The TEM pictures would then be explained as capturing only a misleadingly averaged position for the gold atoms. Knowledge of where the gold atoms are and what they are doing is important to those hoping to develop circuitry-using nanowires. (Sanchez-Portal et al., Physical Review Letters, 8 November 1999; Select Article.)

MACH CONES: SHOCK WAVES IN DUSTY PLASMAS. Plasmas-collections of charged particles such as ions and electrons – usually behave as a gaslike substance, with particles dancing around each other with little deflection. But under the right conditions, physicists can make plasmas act like liquids and solids, in which particles sit almost stationary, interacting almost exclusively with their nearest neighbors.

This is especially true when plasmas are mixed with dust, as is the case in interstellar space. In laboratory experiments at the University of Iowa, the “dusty plasmas” are micron-sized spheres loaded up with approximately 10,00 electrons apiece. When illuminated by an intense sheet of light, the researchers can see the microscopic structure and movements of these particles in a way that is not possible with conventional atomic matter. For this reason, plasmas can serve as a model system for investigating condensed matter physics. By firing a particle at the dusty plasma at supersonic speeds, the researchers produced a Mach cone, similar to the V-shaped shock wave produced by a supersonic airplane. Mach cones are well known in gases (airplanes, for example), but almost unknown in solids. One of the only other known examples is in seismology: a sound wave travelling down the surface of a liquid-filled borehole moves faster than the sound speed in the surrounding rock, causing a Mach cone to be produced in the rock. (D.Samsonov et al, Phys, Rev. Letters, 1 November 1999; also see paper H12.02 in the upcoming American Physical Society Division of Plasma Physics meeting-http://www.aps.org/meet/DPP99/baps/; also Select Article.)

ULTRASOUND IMAGING WITHOUT PHYSICAL CONTACT between device and patient has been achieved, providing a potential solution to an unmet medical need-determining the depth and severity of serious burns in a convenient, accurate, and pain-free fashion. At the present time, physicians usually diagnose burns by inspecting them visually; however, such visual observation cannot provide direct information on whether there is damage to underlying blood vessels, a condition that requires surgery. Technologies such as conventional ultrasound or MRI are too slow, either time-consuming, or cumbersome. In addition, they are painful for the patient if they require direct contact with the burn area. This is certainly the case with conventional ultrasound, which requires direct contact with the body, or must at least be connected to the body via water. That’s because generating ultrasound in a device and sending it through air causes a large proportion of the sound to bounce right back into the device. This results from a great mismatch between air and the device in the values of their “impedance,” the product of the density of the substance and the velocity of sound through it. By more closely matching the impedance values between the device and air, a significantly greater proportion of sound can be transmitted to the body, and reflected back, to obtain enough of a signal for an image. In a non-contact ultrasound device described at last week’s meeting of the Acoustical Society of America in Columbus, Joie Jones of UC-Irvine and his colleagues pass the sound wave through a multilayered material, with each succeeding layer having an impedance value closer to that of air.

The transmission is improved to the point that the researchers could image burns by holding their device about two inches away from the skin, in about a minute or so. Having tested this device on over 100 patients, the researchers plan to move to larger clinical studies and develop a device that can take images in real time.

THE OXYGEN RED PHASE gets its name from the fact that this form of solid oxygen comprised of oxygen-4 molecules is deeply red in color, and gets more red at higher pressures. The red phase has now been studied in detail by physicists in Italy and their results suggest that at pressures above 10 GPa two O2 molecules combine into an O4 molecule. The pressure is necessary for altering (by brute force) the chemical bounds at work inside this molecular solid. By recording the vibrational properties of oxygen solids at pre0 00ssures up to 63 GPa, Roberto Bini and his colleagues at the European Laboratory for Non-linear Spectroscopy in Florence have concluded that the process whereby 02 molecules form into 04 units could be a kind of prelude to oxygen’s transformation into longer chains (polymers) and then into a metal (superconducting oxygen was reported by Shimizu et al., in Nature, 25 June 1998). (Gorelli et al., Physical Review Letters, 15 November.)

IO SODIUM JET. Astronomers have previously known of a sodium cloud, which precedes the moon Io in its orbit around Jupiter. The cloud is believed to arise from slow escape of sodium from Io. Now the Galileo spacecraft is providing details of another sodium feature at Io, more of a fast-escaping spray or jet, thought to come about when Io plows through Jupiter’s potent magnetic field, a process which induces mega-amp currents through Io’s atmosphere (see schematic at www.aip.org/physnews/graphics).

New pictures, reported by scientists at the University of Colorado and Boston University, localize the source of the sodium to a region smaller than Io’s diameter, suggesting that Io’s atmosphere might not be global; that is, the atmosphere might be patchy and not extend all the way to the poles. (Geophysical Research Letters, 15 November.)

LASER LIGHT IN, 50-MEV PROTONS OUT. At next week’s meeting of the American Physical Society Division of Plasma Physics in Seattle, three groups will independently announce their ability to generate powerful, intense streams of ions by shining ultrashort laser pulses on tiny spots of solid material. Potentially, this approach offers an alternative to bulky, expensive ion accelerators for producing high-velocity ions useful for cancer therapy and electronics manufacturing. Using a single pulse of light from Livermore’s Petawatt laser, the most powerful in the world, researchers at that laboratory have reported generating 30 trillion protons with energies up to 50 MeV, from a tiny spot approximately 400 microns in size.

Using a tabletop terawatt laser one-thousandth the power of the Petawatt, University of Michigan researchers produce 10 billion protons with about a tenth the energy of those reported at Livermore. In addition, the Michigan team has announced that they can produce a confined beam of ions pointing roughly in the direction of the laser beam.

Employing the VULCAN laser at the Rutherford Appleton Laboratory, researchers there, generated lead ions with energies up to 420 MeV (and protons up to 17 MeV). The mechanism behind each demonstration is similar. A single laser pulse strikes a thin target, ejecting electrons, which form a cloud of negative charge around the back of the target. The cloud pulls positively charged ions from the back of this target and rapidly accelerates the ions to high energies. All of this occurs over a very short distance-almost 1 MeV/micron for protons in the Livermore case, which is an order of magnitude higher than conventional ion accelerators.

20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE FERMIS SEA. Recently Stanford and UC Santa Barbara physicists used two alternating-current voltage sources to skew the quantum states in a tiny semi-conducting quantum dot in such a way as to produce (without any net applied bias) a nonzero current through the dot. This was an experimental realization of a “Thouless pump” (named for David Thouless), which pumps electrons much as an Archimedean screw pump lifts water (Switkes et al., Science, 19 March 1999; see also the commentary in the same issue by Altshuler and Glazman). Now, Mathias Wagner (Hitachi Cambridge Laboratory, 011-44-1223-44-2911, wagner@phy.cam.ac.uk) and Fernando Sols (Universidad Aut-noma de Madrid) predict that a similar principle will also apply to electrons far beneath the Fermi-sea surface. The Fermi surface or Fermi level represents (in an abstract space in which all electrons are described by their momentum vectors) the highest energy an electron may possess-at zero temperature-in the conduction band of a metal or semi-conductor material. Conduction electrons, those that stray from their home atoms, are usually drawn from electrons very near the Fermi surface. Electrons with lesser energies, and occupying rungs further down on an energy-level diagram, are said to reside in the “Fermi sea” and normally do not effectively contribute to the current.

Wagner and Sols suggest that with high enough ac power, the resulting pump current might actually consist mostly of electrons from far beneath the Fermi-sea surface. These subsea currents would be largely immune from temperature effects (just as submarines are less vulnerable to surface storms), a very useful property in the electronics world. (Wagner and Sols, Physical Review Letters, 22 November 1999)

THE SHADOW OF A PLANET slipping across the face of a distant star has been detected, for the first time, by veteran extrasolar-planet stalkers Geoffrey Marcy of UC Berkeley and Paul Butler of the Carnegie Institution, working with Greg Henry of Tennessee State University. Prior indirect “sightings” of extrasolar planets consisted of small feints in the apparent position of the stars caused by the suspected gravity pull of an orbiting planet. Astronomers have felt that from among the growing sample of such planets (up to 25 as of now) a few (whose orbits would be viewed at Earth edge-on) might be detected directly as they pass in front of the star. One such candidate was HD 209458. Prediction of a planetary transit for the night of November 7 proved accurate and a 1.7% dimming in the star’s light was seen. (Announcement made in an International Astronomical Union circular.)

MICROFLUIDICS CAN BE DRIVEN BY HEAT rather than by electric fields. Microfluidics is to the mixing of fluids (including studies of blood, DNA, etc.) what integrated circuits are to the processing of electrical signals: transactions occur quickly, controllably, in a very small space. But instead of excavating small channels in a substrate and propelling tiny fluid volumes around the nano-sized system of aqueducts customary in microfluidics, Princeton professor Sandra M. Troian and Dawn Kataoka, now at Sandia Laboratories (CA), have moved tiny liquid rivulets around a silicon wafer using temperature gradients. The capillary movement of the micro-fluids can be programmed because (1) the liquid surface tension varies with temperature and even a gradient of 3 or 4 K will cause a fluid to seek out a cold region, and (2) a lithographically applied pattern of chemical modifications on the substrate (the equivalent of an invisible scent marker or a chemical levee) further constrains the droplet rivercourses. Thus streams of hydrophilic and hydrophobic molecules, zooming across the substrate along neighboring lanes, can be shunted together at some desired meeting point. The advantages of thermo-capillary action over electronic-driven fluidics are that the use of high electric fields and the precision carving of channels are not necessary; everything happens on a plane, making easier the task of building micro-electromechanical (MEMS) “labs-on-a-chip.” Troian will report on her research at the APS division of fluid dynamics meeting in New Orleans, November 21-23: http://www.nd.edu/-apsnd/)

HYDROGEN STORAGE IN NANOTUBES. Hydrogen is a potent fuel: combined with oxygen it can power spacecraft to the Moon.

Storing such a dangerous substance, however, is difficult. Physicists at MIT have now succeeded in canning hydrogen in side carbon nanotubes. Actually, hydrogen sausage has been encased in a carbon skin before, but the MIT efforts are the first to achieve reliably such a high hydrogen uptake (one hydrogen for every two carbons) at room temperature. And like a jack-in-the-box, the hydrogen came shooting out of the tubes (80% of them anyway) when the packing pressure was relaxed. (Liu et al., Science, 5 November 1999.)

THE ONLINE JOURNAL PUBLISHING SERVICE (OJPS) constitutes a shopping mall for the physics journals published by the American Institute of Physics (AIP), many of its member societies, and other scientific and engineering societies. From this site (http://ojps.aip.org/) one can handily visit the homepage for such journals as Physical Review, Applied Physics Letters, Optics Letters, and Chaos. Nonsubscribers can view tables of contents and look at all the abstracts, including those from some issues not yet published. (You can even search the full SPIN database of abstracts if you have a subscription to at least one of the OJPS journals.) In general the full texts are available only to subscribers, although a few prominent articles are supplied to science writers via a separate website called Physics News Select Articles.

UNDERSEA VOLCANO. Like astronomers who team up to view supernova eruptions at a variety of wavelengths, geophysicists have been able to mount an in-depth study of the eruption in January 1998 of the Axial Volcano, lying 1500 m underwater about 200 miles off the Oregon-Washington coast. Axial, which is a large volcanic edifice lying along a rift zone in the North-east Pacific where new ocean floor is being created, is one of the few places on the worldwide 60,000-km mid-ocean ridge system (Iceland and the Azores are other examples) where volcanic activity can be monitored in real time. In this case, the coverage consisted of Navy hydrophone arrays (listening for quarks rather than subs), surface ships, moored sensors, and instruments placed on the very summit of the caldera in anticipation of an eruption. The 1998 event is chronicled in a variety of ways in a series of articles in the December 1 and 15 issues of Geophysical Research Letters. For example, C.G. Fox reports (via on-the-spot seafloor measurements) a 3-meter drop in the caldera floor; Baker et al. provide the first incite observation of the water temperature change above an erupting rift zone (constituting the “largest vent field heat flux yet measured”); Embley et al estimate that up to 76 million cubic meters of lava were produced, modest by land volcano standards, but the largest outpouring in 20 years of monitoring along the Juan de Fuca Ridge. (Robert Embley, Pacific Marine Environmental Laboratory)

SWIRLED SPHERE MAGIC NUMBERS. Physicists love to detect patterns in nature, whether in the crystalline structures of atoms in solids, or the groupings into “shells” of electrons inside atoms or protons and neutrons within nuclei. Even in a system as simple as a bunch of spheres swirled around in a dish patterns can emerge. Scientists at the Max Planck Institute in Dortmund, Germany, and the University of Chile have determined that for certain “magic” numbers of spheres, such as 19, 21, or 30, the spheres congregate into solid-like shell structures with stable rings.

The swirled balls are a form of granular material. Studies of agitated grains had uncovered stable structures before (such as “oscillons”) but not any that had depended on the number of particles present. The researchers noticed that when they increased the size of the dish a puzzling transition between stable and disordered states would occur intermittently. (Kotter et al., Physical Review E, December 1999; Select Article.)

THE TOP PHYSICISTS IN HISTORY are, according to a poll of scientists conducted by Physics World magazine, 1. Albert Einstein, 2. Isaac Newton, 3. James Clerk Maxwell, 4. Niels Bohr, 5. Werner Heisenberg, 6. Galileo Galilei, 7. Richard Feynman, 8. Paul Dirac, 9. Erwin Schrodinger, and 10. Ernest Rutherford. Other highlights of Physics World’s millennium canvas: the most important physics discoveries are Einstein’s relativity theories, Newton’s mechanics, and quantum mechanics. Most physicists polled (70%) said that if they had to do it all over again, they would choose to study physics once more. Most do not believe that progress in constructing unified field theories spells the end of physics. Ten great unsolved problems in physics: quantum gravity, understanding the nucleus, fusion energy, climate change, turbulence, glassy materials, high-temperature superconductivity, solar magnetism, complexity, and consciousness. (December issue of Physics World, published by the Institute of Physics, the British professional organization of physicists celebrating its 125^th anniversary this year.)

MEASUREMENTS OF THE COSMIC MICROWAVE BACKGROUND (CMB) provide new evidence that the expansion of the universe is accelerating. One of the greatest issues in cosmology is whether the current expansion will continue, reverse, or proceed at a diminishing rate. Supernova observations two years ago suggested that not only would the expansion not reverse but that it was in fact getting faster. The new CMB mappings, carried out with telescopes on mountains and on balloons, reveal that the temperature of the microwave background varies in clumps with an angular size of about one degree on the sky, a result indicative of an overall “flat” geometry for the universe (New York Times, 26 November 1999). Another way of saying this is that the observed energy density of the universe is apparently equal to the critical density value of about 10^-29 gm/cm³. But the amount of known matter (luminous and dark) is insufficient for producing a flat geometry, so additional energy, probably hiding in the universal vacuum, is needed. This energy, according to many theorists, would exert an effect equivalent to a repulsive form of gravity, thus working against the mutual gravitational attraction of galaxies. Much of the new work is available only in preprint form. For example, papers for one of the experiments, the “Boomerang” collaboration, which measures the CMB with a balloon-mounted detector, can be found on the Los Alamos server.

COOPERATIVE EVAPORATION, a process whereby droplets on a substrate do not evaporate independently but in a coordinated fashion, has been observed for the first time by physicists at the University of Konstanz. The researchers begin by laying down a periodic array of diethylene glycol drops 0.75 microns in radius and spaced by 2.5 microns.

(Condensing the droplets out of a supersaturated vapor onto a patterned grid of adsorption sites imposed on the surface with microcontact-printing was itself something of a feat). The Konstanz scientists found that some rows of droplets evaporated faster than other rows, leading to a sort of “superstructure.” In other words, some drops would survive at the expense of the preferential evaporation of other drops in a methodical way.

Previously scientists have considered how gas sensors comprised of liquid droplet arrays could be designed. The droplet size in such sensors can be made sensitive to environmental conditions by selective uptake of certain molecules. When monitoring the average droplet size by light scattering techniques, the concentration of the molecules can be determined. But for this to work the cooperative evaporation effect will have to be taken into effect. (Schafle et al., Physical Review Letters, 20 December 1999; Select Aricle.)

ATOM TRAP TRACE ANALYSIS, the search for tiny isotope fractions among atoms using a magneto-optic trap, may soon be preferable to accelerator mass spectrometry (in which atoms are heated, accelerated, and sent through a strong magnet, which sorts the atoms by mass) for certain radio-dating purposes. To demonstrate this idea, physicists at Argonne have detected traces of krypton-85 (with an abundance of only 10^-11) and krypton-81 (abundance of 10^-13) in an atom trap with an efficiency of 1 part in 10ˆ7; accelerator mass spectrometry, which requires an accelerator, currently has a counting efficiency of a part in 10⁵. Keeping track of Kr-85 atoms is important since they are produced chiefly in nuclear-fuel reprocessing plants, and (arising mostly since the 1950s) are used as a tracer of air and ocean currents. Kr-81, in contrast, is made in cosmic-ray showers in the upper atmosphere and (with a half life 40 times longer than C-14’s) is preferable to carbon-dating for calibrating the antiquity of million-year-old samples of ice and ground water. (Chen et al., Science, 5 November 1999.)

NATURALLY OCCURING RADIATION LEVELS ARE MUCH LOWER TODAY on Earth than when life first appeared, a new analysis has shown, suggesting that all living organisms – which have mutation-repair mechanisms very similar to those first developed by primordial life forms were once equipped to handle larger doses of background nuclear radiation than modern life forms. Presently, humans receive a dose of about 360 millirems per year of radiation from natural sources, plus typically about 63 mrem/yr from anthropogenic sources. Perhaps surprisingly, a major source (about 40 mrem/yr) of naturally occurring radiation is inside our bodies – in the form of potassium, a nutrient essential for many things such as generating signals between cells. All natural sources of potassium contain some radioactive potassium-40 (K-40). But life first began about 4 billion years ago – about 3 K-40 half-lives ago – meaning that the radiation dose from potassium today is about one-eighth of what it was 4 billion years ago. Geologic sources of radiation (about 28mrem/yr) include uranium, thorium, and potassium present in rocks and minerals in the earth’s crust. Studying published data of 1100 rocks, and assuming that the continental crust had formed early (a scenario favored by the rock record), the researchers estimated that radiation from these sources is now about one-half of what it was 4 billion years ago, because many of these radioisotopes decayed in the intervening time. Not considered in the present study were cosmic sources (about 27 mrem/yr) and radon (typically about 200 mrem/yr); the authors are making these the subject of ongoing research. (Karam and Leslie, Health Physics, December 1999.)

MAXWELL’S DEMON MADE OF SAND. The second law of thermodynamics states that within a closed system heat cannot flow unassisted from a cold to a warm place. To ponder this issue, James Clerk Maxwell, one of the pioneers of statistical mechanics, posed this thought experiment: could not a clever microscopic creature, poised at a pinhole in a baffle dividing an insulated box into two equal chambers, sort molecules in such a way that the hotter (faster) molecules would be directed into one chamber while cooler (slower) molecules would be directed into the other. “Maxwell’s demon,” as the sorter came to be known, itself requires energy to operate, and so the segregation of hot from cold cannot really happen as advertised.

And yet in an experiment conducted at the University of Essen in Germany in which agitated sand in a two-chamber vessel (the halves being connected by a hole) “hot”, quickly moving sand migrated to one side while cool sand spontaneously condensed and congregated on the other side (see sketch at www.aip.org/physnews/graphics). Jens Eggers explains that, no, the second law is not violated in this case since although moving sand can be considered as a gas, individual grains can absorb heat and dissipate heat (that is, individual grains can gain temperature), unlike the ideal gas molecules described by Maxwell, whose “temperature” is a measurement of gas motion.

Thus when sand grains start to congregate in one chamber (the segregation begins as an act of spontaneous symmetry breaking) more and more grains will partake of a growing ordered state consisting of grains falling to the bottom of the container (where the grains are denser there are more collisions and hence faster cooling, leading to more congregation, etc.), while the unaffiliated grains will tend to be on the other side, still in “gaseous” form. (Eggers, Physical Review Letters, 20 December; Select Articles.)

COMPETING ARROWS OF TIME. Lawrence S. Schulman of Clarkson University has found that time might actually flow backwards in certain regions of space. This time reversal has nothing to do with quantum fluctuations or the spacetime-warping effects of a black hole.

It’s just ordinary matter obeying the ordinary and mostly time-symmetric laws of physics. The difference lies in its statistics. If the laws of physics have no preferred direction then why do we never see a shattered wineglass jump back up on the table and reassemble itself?

The “arrow of time” concept enshrines this domestic disaster in the form of a law, the second law of thermodynamics. The arrow describes the tendency for macroscopic systems consisting of many particles (the falling wineglass) to evolve in time in such a way that disorder grows and information decreases. This tendency is statistical and does not prevail at the microscopic level, where a movie of two atoms colliding would seem credible if run in the forward or reverse direction. The wineglass, however, consist of zillions of atoms. The reason we never see the glass re-assemble and lift itself (courtesy of the warmth of the original breakage returning from the floor and air) back onto the table is that this highly specialized (and, as we would say, unlikely) scenario is but one of a myriad of possible configurations, in most of which the glass shards stay on the floor. This statistical explanation leads to two puzzles.

First, why does this arrow point the way it does? Why not the other way? And second, why should it point at all? On the first question, Schulman subscribes to the view that the “thermodynamic” arrow of time is a consequence of the “cosmological” arrow reflected in the one-way expansion of the universe, a theory advanced some years ago by Thomas Gold of Cornell. As to the second question, that’s exactly where Schulman’s new results have their impact. The prevailing view holds that if opposite-arrow systems came into even the mildest of contact, the order in at least one of them would be destroyed. This is because from the perspective of one observer the coordination needed to reassemble the other’s wineglass would be so fantastic that even a single photon could disrupt it. Not so, says Schulman who, in his computer modeling of the universe, specifies not one boundary condition in time (the big bang) but two, the other being a supposed “big crunch” when the universe would contact (or so it would seem to us; from the perspective of that arrow, the universe would be expanding). In his model, the two arrows of time (one growing out of either end of the “timeline”; see the figure at www.aip.org/physnews/graphics) can be mildly in contact and nevertheless each have its wineglass break and its rain fall appropriately. Observers associated with either arrow might even watch the other grow young – from a distance.

Some relatively-isolated relics of matter subject to the opposite arrow might be found in our vicinity. By its own clock such a region would be very old and no longer luminous, although gravitationally it would not be anomalous, exactly the hallmark of dark matter. Or we might see an opposite-arrow black hole giving matter back to an accretion disk, which in turn would feed it back to a companion star, which would seem (to us) to be coming into existence. Schulman concedes that recent observations may rule out a final crunch in our actual universe but argues that there is still a lot we don’t understand about our thermodynamic arrow, and that a competing time arrow might arise from another, as yet unknown, cause. (Physical Review Letters, 27 Dec.)

STARLIGHT REFLECTED FROM AN EXTRASOLAR PLANET has been reported by University of St. Andrews astronomers. Roughly, 30 planets have been detected around nearby stars through an indirect method, which monitors fluctuations in the stars’ positions. More recently, the shadow of an extrasolar planet was observed to transit across the face of its star. Now light has been detected which apparently comes to us directly from a planet circling the star tau Bootis, some 50 light years away. The main difficulty was of course discerning the reflected light while blocking out the glare of the star itself. The planet seems to be blue-green in color, is twice the size of Jupiter, and 8 times as massive. (Cameron et al., Nature, 16 December 1999.)

THE SOLAR WIND DISAPPEARED for a day back on May 10/11, allowing Earth’s magnetosphere to balloon out to the orbit of the Moon. Ironically, the greatly lowered solar wind flux of particles and solar magnetic field allowed high-energy electrons from the sun’s corona to penetrate directly to our upper atmosphere unadulterated, where the electrons’ characteristic x-ray emissions were observed by satellites over the North Pole for the first time. Such a “polar rain” had been predicted years before.

Normally the coronal electrons (with energies of tens of keV, corresponding to temperatures of millions of degrees) lose much of their energy through scatterings with other particles on their ride from sun to Earth and in the topsy-turvy trajectories experienced at our magnetosphere. At last week’s meeting of the American Geophysical Union in San Francisco, these results were reported by a number of speakers, including David Chenetter of Lockhead, Jack Scudder of the University of lowa, and Keith Ogivie of NASA Goddard.

SPONGELIKE STRUCTURES NEAR THE SUN’S SURFACE, newly observed by the TRACE satellite (at extreme ultraviolet wavelengths) and the SOHO satellite (in x rays), lie between the 10,000-K chromospheres and the corona at a temperature of several million K. These filamentary structures (dubbed “solar mass” by Lockhead scientists reporting at the AGU meeting) are typically 6000-12,000 miles in size and about 1000-1500 miles above the photosphere; occur at various places around the sun’s surface, usually near the footprint of huge coronal loops. The moss blobs seem to be stable for hours but can also change brightness over periods as short as 30 seconds do. Thomas Berger of Lockhead said that the new structures might provide information on how the corona gets so hot, an issue that remains one of the great unsolved mysteries of solar physics.

THE RAREST NATURALLY OCCURING ISOTOPE, tantalum-180, is rare because it is bypassed in the two processes that produced most of the heavy elements we dig out of the ground here on Earth: the so called s process (slow neutron capture in stars) and the r process (rapid neutron capture in supernova explosions). What little Ta-180 that is produced (in stars or in ractors) is quite robust; its half life is more than 10ˆ17! This rules out the nuleosynthesis of Ta-180 within the “canonical” s process; however, in a more realistic version of the theory, the tantalum can survive if it rapidly mixes with cooler layers of the star. (Belic et al., Physical Review Letters, 20 December 1999. Select Article.)

SUPERCONDUCTING BALLS, a new phenomenon, have been observed by physicist at Southern Illinois University. Rongjia ao (618-536-2117, rtao@physics.siu.edu) and his colleagues began by wanting to observe the motion of micron-sized copper oxide (e.g., Br-Sr-Ca-Cu-O) superconducting particles (suspended in liquid nitrogen) in an electric field running between electrodes. Metal particles in this situation would bounce between the two electrodes or tend to line up; after all, an electric field helps to define a preferred direction in space. The superconducting particles ignored this hind and, to the researchers’ great surprise, formed themselves into a ball. The ball, about 25 mm across and containing over a million particles, formed quickly and was quite sturdy, surviving constant collisions with the electrodes (see figure at www.aip.org/physnews/graphics). What binds the ball together against the dictates of the rectilinear field? Tao and his collaborator, Princeton theorist Philip Anderson, have concluded that the effect is an artifact of superconductivity (the same particles, above their superconducting transition temperature, do not ball up but instead queue into lines), perhaps something to do with the way in which the surface energy of the particle ensemble is reduced by self-assembly into a ball. This unprecedented new surface energy is related to the acquired surface charges on the particles and the reactions among the layers of the balls. Granular properties fo the particles might also play a role in the process and in the balls’s internal structure, but this is difficult to gauge since the inter-particle interactions (frictional dissipation being the hallmark of granular materials) are mitigated by the liquid nitrogen needed in the experiment to neutralize gravity. A way around this is to do the experiment in the microgravity of space. The basic scientific novelty of this new phenomenon is paramount, but Tao is also turning his attention to possible applications in the area of superconducting thin films and unusual forms of wetting. (Select Tao at al., Physical Review Letters, 27 Dec.)

TWO-DIMENSIONAL COLLOIDAL CRYSTALS SEEMINGLY DEFY COULOMB’S LAW as they form, experiments have shown.

A colloidal crystal is a regular arrangement of tiny particles suspended in a liquid. Three-dimensional examples have long been known. Now free-floating 2D “crystallites” of colloidal particles, lashed together by bilayer membranes similar to those surrounding living cells, have been created, offering intriguing possibilities for using them as templates for artificial biomaterials and industrial catalysts. University of Pennsylvania researchers (Laurence Ramos, now at Universite de Montellier, France, ramos@gdpc.univ-montp2.fr) created the system by adding negatively charged latex beads to a suspension of positively charged soaplike (surfactant) membranes in water. As expected, initially the beads avidly stuck to the memberanes. To the researchers’ surprise, though, in many cases the beads formed rafts floating on the membrane. Outside the raft the membrane actually repelled additional beads, even though they were highly oppositely charged. The researchers agreed that the source of this paradoxical behavior lay in the migration of negative ions trapped on the side of the membrane opposite to the beads. With time the fluid rafts solidify into rigid, flat crystallites, near-perfect 2D crystalline structures some tens of microns on a side. (Ramos et all., Science, 17 December 1999; and Aranda-Espinoza et al., 16 June.)

AMPLIFYING AN ATOM WAVE while maintaining its original phase has been demonstrated for the first time, bringing about an atom laser that is the closest equivalent yet to an optical laser. The first atom lasers were passive devices: researchers simply prepared a Bose-Einstein condensate of atoms, and then extracted some of the BEC atoms to form a beam. In the latest round of demonstrations, two research groups (one at MIT and one at the University of Tokyo) have independently demonstrated an atom laser that amplifies its initial beam, in a way that’s remarkably similar to how optical lasers augment an initial light wave. Unlike light, however, atoms cannot be created from the vacuum, so researchers must rely on a pre-existing supply of atoms to serve as the initial beam to be amplified. In the MIT demonstration, researchers shine a pair of laser pulses on sodium BEC. First, some of the BEC atoms absorb a photon from a high-frequency beam and emit a photon towards a lower-frequency beam. These atoms recoil in the same direction, forming a weak atom weave. Then the lower-frequency beam is shut off, and some of the other BEC atoms absorb light from an intensified pulse coming from the high-frequency laser. The presence of the initial atom wave stimulates these atoms to emit a photon in the direction of the lower-frequency beam. This resulted in a phase-coherent amplified beam about 4 times as strong as the initial atom wave. The Tokyo group demonstrated similar results with a rubidium-87 BEC. In both demonstrations, the amplification is limited by the size of the BEC, which is depleted in the process. However, an atom-wave amplifier promises improvements in such applications as atom-wave gyroscopes and lithography. (Inouye at al., Nature, 9 December 1999; Kozuma et al., Science, 17 December.)

HIGH PROTON POLARIZATION, up to 32%, has been achieved at liquid-nitrogen temperatures (77 K) and with modest 0.3-Tesla magnetic fields in a experiment at Kyoto University in Japan. Among a proton’s attributes is the orientation of its intrinsic spin; this directionality can come into play when the proton interacts with the spins of other particles or with a radio frequency field. For comparison, proton polarization levels in MRI medical imaging is a paltry .0003% (still good enough for spotting tumors) using room temperature and magnetic fields typically of 1 Tesla (10,000 gauss). Targets for particle physics using accelerators can achieve polarizations of up to about 70% but even higher fields (2 or 5 T) are needed as well as low liquid-helium temperatures (typically 0.3 K). In the Kyoto experiment, the electrons in pentacene (an aromatic organic molecule chain) are polarized optically with a laser beam. Next, microwaves force the polarization to be transferred to protons in the molecules. The researchers suspect that their approach will find applications in particle physics (where targets polarized in smaller fields and warmer temperatures would permit the detection of slower charged particles amid high intensity beams) and in chemistry / biology (where the new method provides higher sensitivity than the existing NMR). Polarized protons would be portable in a small box for more than 3 hours at almost zero magnetic field. The new polarization method should also benefit MRI imaging (where high polarization can improve spatial resolution of pictures), the task of transferring spin to normally-hard-to-detect C-13 atoms, and NMR-based quantum computing (wherein information storage and processing are vested in spins). The Kyoto physicists, through various improvements, hope to extend their method to room temperatures. (Iinuma et al., Physical Review Letters, 3 January 2000; Select Article; figure at www.aip.org/physnews/graphics)

COSMIC RAYS OBSERVED BY GRAVITY-WAVE DETECTOR. The NAUTILUS detector at the Frascati Laboratory in Italy consists of a 2300-kg aluminum cylinder cooled to a temperature of 0.1 K. The plan is that a passing gravitational wave (broadcast, say, by the collision of two neutron stars) would excite a noticeable vibration in the cylinder. NAUTILUS has not yet recorded any gravitational waves, but scientists have now witnessed the cylinder vibrated by energetic particle showers initiated when cosmic rays strike the atmosphere. The signal generated by the rays is believable because conventional cosmic-ray detectors surrounding the bar also lit up when they were struck by the particles. In effect the detector is able to discern a mechanical vibration as small as 10ˆ-18 meters, corresponding to an energy deposit as small as 10ˆ-6 eV.

NEUTRONS HAVE BEEN CAPTURED AND STORED IN A MAGNETIC TRAP, a development which should lead to a better estimation of the neutron’s lifetime and in turn a better understanding of the weak nuclear force. Neutral atoms have been confined in magnetic traps before (even uncharged atoms can have a magnetic moment which can be influenced by a strong magnetic field), but neutrons are more difficult to deal with in the same way since their intrinsic magnetic moment is so much weaker. Now a collaboration of scientists from Harvard, NIST, Los Alamos National Laboratory, and the Hahn-Meitner Institute (Berlin) has succeeded in trapping neutrons in a magnetic bottle, thereby restricting neutron movement in all three dimensions (a decade ago, neutrons were magnetically trapped in a storage ring, but this confined neutron motion in only two dimensions). To bring about 3D trapping, a beam of already cold (11 K) neutrons from a reactor was directed into a trapping vessel surrounded by magnetic coils and filled with liquid helium at a temperature of less than 250 mK. The helium acts as a coolant, slowing the neutrons, and as a scintillator for recording the subsequent decay of neutrons into a proton, positron, and anti-neutrino.

The neutron lifetime measured in this experiment was 750 seconds, with an uncertainty of +300 and -200 seconds. The researchers hope to push their method to an accuracy of a part in 10ˆ5, which would exceed the accuracy of the currently accepted best value for the neutron lifetime, 886.7 (+/-1.9) seconds. (P.R. Huffman et al., Nature, 6 January 2000.)

TWO-ELECTRON PRISON BREAK. New experiments studying the cooperation among electrons undergoing ionization show that electrons do not act alone when intense light liberates two of them at once from helium and other rare-gas atoms. When an intense light pulse removes more than one electron from an atom, it’s simplest to assume that electrons respond to the light independently of their brethren and leave one by one.

However, this “independent electron model” fails by many orders of magnitude in predicting double-ionization rates of atoms. Using the COLTRIMS “momentum microscope” for atoms and molecules, two multi-institutional experiments in Germany at the University of Marburg and the Max Born Institute in Berlin have measured the complete 3D momentum values for singly and multiply ionized helium and neon. If the electrons had acted independently, and left one by one in two successive steps, then the momentum data for double ionization would look like single ionization occurring twice. But the data show otherwise, leaving only the possibility of coordinated behavior. Going further, the authors of the neon observations suggest that their data support a cooperative-behavior scenario known as “rescattering”: the laser pulse’s oscillating electric field first removes one electron, then pushes electron and ion back together, and finally the electron knocks out one of its comrades. These experiments can begin to test the extensive theoretical models of strongly interacting electrons in intense light fields.

SCANNING GATE MICROSCOPY. Scanned probe microscope not only provide images of surface atoms, they also allow one to move atoms and to study the spectroscopy (the quantum energy levels) of those surface atoms (or molecules or metallic clusters). Concerning the latter, physicists at the Delft University of Technology (in the Netherlands) can better assay the energy levels of target particles at a surface positioning a second probe right next to the main probe in a standard scanning tunneling microscope (STM) setup, giving it a tong-like appearance. The second probe acts much like a gate in a transistor: by shifting energy levels of the target particle, it allows or disallows the passage of the tunneling current. In the reported experiment, the so-called Coulomb blockade (the difficulty of yet another electron to join many other electrons already on a tiny electrode) for single-electron tunneling in a 20 nm gold cluster was controlled using the gate electrode.

THE X-RAY BACKGROUND, the glow of x rays seen in all directions in space, has now largely been resolved into emissions from discrete sources by the Chandra X-Ray Telescope, ending the notion that the x rays come from distant hot gas. Previously only about 20-30% of the x-ray background had been ascribed to point sources (by such telescopes as ASCA). Chandra was launched in July 1999 and put in an elliptical orbit.

With its high angular resolution and acute sensitivity, it could tell apart x-ray objects (many of them thought to be accretion disks around black holes) that before had been blurred into a continuous x-ray curtain. (Of course, now that the background has been resolved into points it ceases to be a background.) Richard Mushotzky of Goddard Space Flight Center reported these Chandra results at last week’s meeting in Atlanta of the American Astronomical Society (AAS). Resolving the x-ray background was not all. Mushotzky added that the Chandra survey had revealed the existence of two categories of energetic galaxies that had been imaged only poorly or not at all by optical telescopes. He referred to one category as “veiled galactic nuclei,” objects (with a redshift of about 1) bright in x-rays but obscured by dust at optical wavelengths. The other category was “ultrafaint galaxies.” One interpretation of these galaxies is that optical emission is suppressed owing to absorption over what could be a very long pathway to Earth. Mushotzky speculated that such high redshift (z-greater than 5) galaxies could be the most distant, and hence earliest, objects ever identified. The XMM x-ray telescope, just launched, should provide complementary information in the form of high-precision spectra (from which redshifts are derived) of the distant objects.

OTHER CHANDRA RESULTS at the meeting included the mapping of a thousand x-ray stars in the Orion Nebula portion of our galaxy 1500 light years away, making this the highest density of x-ray sources yet recorded.

Gordon Garmire of Penn State spoke about this finding as well as about the effort to find x-ray counterparts for objects cataloged in the Hubble Deep Field image made with visible light; some tentative matches were made. Meanwhile, Frederick Baganoff of MIT reported that Chandra’s inspection of the center of the Milky Way revealed what might be the first recorded x-ray signal from the vicinity of the massive (2 million solar mass) black hole residing at or near the radio-bright object called Sagittarius A*. In X rays, this object proved to be fainter than expected by a factor of 5. The supermassive black hole at the heart of our sister spiral galaxy, Andromeda, also is much cooler than expected. According to Stephan Murray from Harvard-Smithsonian, the measured temperature was only a few million K, compared to temperatures of tens of millions for much more modest x-ray stars in the same galaxy. None of this fits with theories of supermassive black holes. Finally, Claude Canizares of MIT summarized Chandra observations of supernova remnant EO102-72, located in the Small Magellanic Cloud. EO102-72 is the leftover from an explosion 1000 years ago of a huge star of 15-20 solar masses. A diffraction grating on the telescope was used to spread out incoming x-rays into a spectrum, which could be scanned for the presence of specific elements in the stellar debris. Canizares estimated that as much as 10 solar masses’ worth of oxygen was present in the wreckage of the older star, enough to furnish thousands of solar systems like ours with the breathable element needed for much of life on Earth.

SOLITARY, WANDERING BALCK HOLES, unheralded by any bright accretion disk or rapidly orbiting stars or gas, have been detected through the process of gravitational microlensing. The Massive Compact Halo Object (MACHO) collaboration regularly views millions of stars in the direction of the dense bulge of our galaxy hoping to observe, every now and then, stars brightening courtesy of the lensing caused by the passage of some nonluminous object (hovering in the galaxy’s halo) between us and the star. The brightening can last as short as two days or as long as 1000. Longer duration suggest either large or very slow lensing objects.

David Bennett of Notre Dame reported at the ASS meeting on two such long-duration events in which the mass of the lens was calculated to be roughly 6 solar masses, too heavy to be a neutron star and more likely to be a black hole. Bennett speculates that the lone-wolf black holes form from supernova collapse and might be as common as neutron stars in the galaxy.

OPTICAL BLACK HOLES, objects that attract and trap specific colors of light, can be made in earthly laboratories; two researchers have shown theoretically, offering possibilities for lab-based analogs of general relativity and potentially even quantum gravity phenomena. According to researchers at the Royal Institute of Technology in Sweden and at the University of St Andrews in Scotland, the trick is to create a vortex of fluid that whirls at velocities comparable to the speed of light inside the fluid. Such a feat is now possible, with the advent of techniques for slowing down light to just a few meters per second through such substances as a Bose-Einstein condensate or a rubidium gas (Phys. Rev. Focus, 29 June 1999). If a sufficiently fast-spinning vortex of these or similar materials could be created, light inside the fluid could lose maneuverability and become trapped in the vortex. Since light in an optical black hole would behave analogously to matter in a real black hole, these light-trapping whirlpools would permit laboratory study of Hawking radiation, the hypothetical emissions from evaporating black holes; this radiation, which consists of particles made near the hole’s boundary, is next-to-impossible to observe directly since it is obscured by the cosmic microwave background. In addition, the researchers speculate that studying quanta of light interacting with the quantum-mechanical matter waves in BECs could even help establish “a testable prototype model of quantum gravity.” In the meantime, physicists are also pursuing the idea of creating “acoustical black holes” (dumb holes), regions that capture and trap sound waves. (Leonhardt and Piwincki, Physical Review Letters, 31 January 2000; Physical Review A, December 1999; Select Articles)

“THE FORMATION AND EVOLUTION OF GALAXIES are intimately connected to the presence of a central massive black hole,” asserts Douglas Richstone of the University of Michigan. Richstone was at the recent meeting of the American Astronomical Society in Atlanta to report the new identification of supermassive black holes at the cores of three nearby elliptical galaxies, adding to an already substantial association between galaxies possessing centralized, high-density spheroidal clumps or bulges of stars and nearby heavy black holes (star concentration correlating closely with black hole mass). Richstone pointed to the growing consensus that these massive black holes are the remnants of quasars (a notion underscored at the meeting by the report given by Andrew Wilson of the University of Maryland – of many “dying quasars” in nearby galaxies, objects whose radio spectra resemble a quieter version of quasar spectra) and to the historical fact that the age of quasar formation occurred before the time when most stars were forming in galaxies (to judge from high redshift observations). Richstone concluded that “Radiation and high-energy particles released by the formation and growth of black holes are the dominant sources of heat and kinetic energy for star-forming gas in protogalaxies.”

SNOW SCREENING ON WATER. With its ability to create muffled winter landscapes, snow is usually associated with quiet. When the white stuff falls on a body of water, one would expect it to be just as silent, since it doesn’t make much of an impact. But as researchers have discovered, it unexpectedly creates high-pitched screeching sounds that can sometimes disrupt underwater sonar experiments. Investigating these sounds, which last for roughly a ten-thousandth of a second, Larry Crum of the University of Washington and his colleagues implicate air bubbles as the source of snowflake noise. According to their explanation, the snowflake’s presence on a water surface creates capillary action (the attraction between a liquid and solid surface), causing water to rush upwards. The upward flow of water either generates air bubbles on its own, or unleashes air bubbles in the snowflake as it melts. The bubbles oscillate as they reach equilibrium with their environment, creating sound waves of up to 200 kilohertz – out of the range of human hearing (which stops at 20 kHz) but potentially audible to dolphins. Researchers have been known to shut down sonar surveys of salmon population during snowfall because of these sounds. (Select Article, Journal of the Acoustical Society of America, October 1999; see also New Scientist, 25 December 1999.)

A NEW FORM OF NUCLEAR MATTER has been detected at the CERN lab in Geneva. Results from seven different experiments, conducted at CERN over a span of several years, were announced at a series of seminars today. In the experiments a high energy beam of lead ions (160 GeV/nucleon, times 208 nucleons, for a total energy of about 33TeV) smashes into fixed targets of lead or gold atoms. The center-of-mass energy of these collisions, the true energy available for producing new matter, is about 3.5 TeV.

From the debris that flies out of the smashups, the CERN scientists estimate that the “temperature” of the ensuing nuclear fireball might have been as high as 240 MeV (under these extreme conditions energy units are substituted for degrees Kelvin), well above the temperature where new nuclear effects are expected to occur. In the CERN collisions the effective, momentary, nuclear matter density was calculated to be 20 times normal nuclear density. It is not quite certain whether the novel nuclear state is some kind of denser arrangement of known nuclear matter or a manifestation of the much-sought quark-gluon plasma (QGP), in which quarks, and the gluons which normally bind the quarks into clumps of two quarks (mesons) or three quarks (baryons), spill together in a seething soup analogous to the condition of ionized atoms in a plasma. Such nuclear plasma might have existed in the very early universe only microseconds after the big bang. Evidence for the transition form a hadron phase (baryons and mesons) into a QGP phase was expected to consist of (1) an enhanced production of strange mesons, (2) a decrease in the production of heavy psi-mesons (each consisting of a charm and anticharm quarks), and (3) an increase in the creation of energetic photons and lepton-antilepton pairs. Just this sort of (indirect) evidence (at least of types 1 and 2) has now turned up in the CERN data. (CERN press release, www.cern.ch) To demonstrate the existence of QGP more directly, one would like the plasma state to last longer, and one should observe the sorts of particle jets and gamma rays that come with still higher –energy fireballs. That energy (about 40 TeV, center-of-mass) will be available in the next few months at the Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider undergoing final preparations at Brookhaven.

D-WAVE SQUID. The working fluid of superconductors consists of pairs of electrons (or pairs of the holes left behind in a crystal when an electron moves somewhere else). These Cooper pairs form a coherent state with specific symmetry properties. For example, in most low temperature superconductors, the pairs are fairly isotropic; if you imagine one electron at the origin of some coordinate system, the likelihood of finding a second electron is pretty much the same in all directions. Thus, the Cooper pair is essentially spherical and the pair is said to possess “s-wave” symmetry. In high-temperature superconductors, the symmetry is thought to resemble a four-leave clover, referred to as a “d-wave”. A fundamental consequence of the d-wave symmetry is a phase-change of pi between neighboring lobes of the clover in the quantum wave function describing the Cooper pair. All of this can be important in the design of superconducting quantum interference devices, SQUIDs, which consist of a superconducting loop interrupted in two places by thin insulating junctions, through which the Cooper pairs must tunnel. SQUIDs are highly sensitive to applied magnetic fields and are used in a variety of magnetometer applications (in biology, geology, new materials research, etc.). Furthermore, SQUIDs form the building blocks of superconducting electronics. A group at Augsburg University in Germany has developed a SQUID that exploits the special nature of the d-wave symmetry of the high-Tc superconductors. Using specially prepared tetracrystalline crystals as substances, they devised and built a SQUID in which the symmetry properties give rise to a pi phase-change over one of the two junctions. For this reason, the Augsburg researchers call their device a pi-SQUID. The pi-SQUID is a realization of the recently proposed complementary Josephson electronics and its operation provides strong evidence for the d-wave symmetry in the high-Tc superconductors. Such devices present a novel approach for the fabrication of quantum computers. (Schulz et al., Applied Physics Letters, 7 Feb; Select Article.)

A MOLECULA BOSE EINSTEIN CONDENSATE (BEC) has been made at the University of Texas, where physicists first create a condensate of rubidium atoms in a trap. Then diatomic molecules (dimmers) are formed by getting two nearby Rb atoms to first absorb a photon together and then to emit a second photon. This photo-association process leaves the Rb2 dimer essentially at reast, with an equivalent temperature of about 100 nK; “…perhaps the coldest molecules in the universe,” says Paul Julienne of NIST (Science News, 12 Feb2000). The stillness makes possible high precision spectroscopy of the molecules, which constitute about 1% of the condensate. The dimmers hold together typically less than one millisecond. (Wynar et al., Science, 11 Feb 2000.)

QUANTUM MIRAGE. The scanning tunneling microscope (STM) allows one both to push individual atoms around on a surface and to image them. Especially intriguing are images of “quantum corrals,” circular or elliptical arrangements on a surface inside of which the waves corresponding to electrons near the substrate surface can be revealed. The latest entry in the gallery of fine pictures comes from IBM, where physicists placed 36 cobalt atoms in an elliptical “Stonehenge” pattern on a copper surface. An extra magnetic cobalt atom was placed at one of the two foci of the ellipse, causing visible interactions with the surface electron waves. But the waves seem also to be interacting with a phantom cobalt atom at the other focus, an atom that is not really there.

FIRST SPACECRAFT IN ORBIT AROUND AN ASTEROID. The Near Earth Asteroid Rendevous (NEAR) spacecraft has arrived at, and gone into orbit around, asteroid Eros, which was at a distance of 160 million miles from Earth when the rendezvous occurred. The asteroid, whose gravity is about one thousandth that of Earth, might represent a chunk of matter not much altered from the time the solar system was formed 4 billion years ago, and so it is of great interest to planetary scientists.

(NASA press conference, 17 Feb; http://near.jhuapl.edu/iod/20000215/index.html)

ATTOSECOND LIGHT PULSES. A curtailed wave pulse can be represented mathematically as the weighted sum of a number of wavetrains of various wavelengths. In this way, scientists at the Foundation for Research and Technology-Hellas (FORTH) in Crete have created light pulses less than a femtoseocnd (10ˆ-15 seconds) in duration (Papadogiannis et al., Physical Review Letters, 22 November 1999). First they split a beam of light (wavelength of 800 nm) into two parts; each of these, when sent through an argon vapor, produces sets of higher-harmonic wavetrains (at wavelengths equal to several fractions of the original 800 nm) which add together in a synchronized way to form the ultrashort wave pulse with a duration estimated to be less than 100 attoseconds. Before this, the record short pulse was 4.5 fs in duration. (Physics World Feb 2000.)

UNEMPLOYMENT LEVELS WERE ONLY 2 PERCENT FOR U.S. PHYSICS PHDS receiving their degrees in 1997 and seeking employment in the winter after their graduation, dropping from a recent high of 6% for the class of 1993, according to a new report from the American Institute of Physics. However, most Ph.D.s in permanent positions stated that they were working in an area that was not primarily physics, although this does not mean that their jobs involved little or no physics. Perhaps surprisingly in the post-Cold War era, bachelor recipients from the class of 1998 appear to be, if anything, exceedingly hopeful about their long-range career goals: for example, 61% said they intended to become a college or university professor, but this is far higher then the percentage historically attaining this goal. Most employed master’s degree recipients from the class of 1997 (62%) work in industry, with three-fourths viewing their job as being related to physics. After many years of decreasing steadily, the number of students earning physics bachelor’s degrees has stabilized at least for the time being, with a total of 3,821 granted in the 1997-98 academic year. (Report available at www.aip.org/statistics, the AIP Education and Employment Statistical Division.)

ULTRAVIOLET LASER AT DESY. A free electron laser (FEL) built at the DESY lab in Hamburg by the international TESLA collaboration has achieved a beam of radiation with a wavelength of only 93 nm. FELs normally operate in the following way : a beam of energetic electrons passes through a series of S curves (an undulator) where they are made to radiate light which is stored inside a mirrored cavity. The photons, reflecting back and forth in the cavity, help to stimulate the electrons to radiate even more, thus amplifying the higher-energy light beam. The resultant light is tunable and coherent. At wavelengths below about 150 nm, however, mirrors are not effective and light accumulation cannot occur. Scientists of the TESLA collaborations have now succeeded at DESY in carrying out a scheme suggested 20 years ago: give up the accumulation of light in an optical cavity and let the radiation amplify itself in a single pass as the electrons travel through a very long undulator section, thereby increasingly interacting with the radiation. The product is essentially coherent synchrotron radiation.

The TESLA collaboration consists of 38 institutes from 9 countries. Major hardware contributions came from DESY, Italy, France and the USA (US institutes: ANL, Cornell, Fermilab, UCLA). The work with the UV laser is part of an effort to produce an x-ray laser with 6-nm light (by the year 2003). And beam-optics lessons learned might in turn contribute to a more ambitious plan to develop a next-generation linear 500-GeV electron linear collider with integrated x-ray lasers called TESLA. (Joerg Rossbach, rossbach@desy.de; www.desy.de/pr-infor/News; figure at www.aip.org/physnews/graphics)

SNOWBALLS SURVIVE IN HELLISH CONDITIONS. Many of the unique and unusual properties of liquid water at ambient conditions are due to the ability of water molecules to form hydrogen bonds, which in turn causes the oxygen atoms to be arranged in a three-dimensional diamond-like network. However, under extreme pressures the properties of water can change drastically. For example, although water ice normally melts at 0 C at ambient conditions, at a pressure of 10 Giga-pascals (10,000 atm) water remains “frozen” up to 320 C! New computer simulations carried out at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory (Eric Schwgler, 925-424-3098, schwegler@llnl.gov) have explored what happens to the microscopic structure of the compressed liquid, in a region of the phase diagram where experimentally determined structural data do not exist. These simulations indicate that when the liquid is squeezed up to a pressure of 10 GPa, the hydrogen bonds and oxygen network are substantially altered. At this high pressure, each water molecule is close packed and surrounded by 12.9 molecules, as opposed to 4.5 neighbors for ambient conditions.

(E.Schwegler, G.Galli, F.Gygi, Phys. Rev.Lett., 13 March 2000; figure at www.aip.org/physnews/graphics. Select Article.)

MAXIMALLY RANDOM JAMMING. Packing particles into a container has been important since antiquity, when basketfuls of grain were traded or collected as taxation. Packing applies not just to grains of wheat of course, but also to ball bearings, living cells, a variety of granular media, and the placement of atoms and molecules in solids and liquids. Hence packing has become a science, and the maximum fraction of space that can be filled with spheres is a conjectured 74%. This is for an ordered “face-centered cubic” array that looks like a stack of cannonballs or oranges. (Kepler came very close to the 74% figure four centuries ago.) The mathematics for estimating the maximum filling fraction for an array of disordered, or randomly packed, balls is much more slippery. Salvatore Torquato and his colleagues at Princeton consider that the whole problem of random close packing (RCP) is ill posed and have proposed in its place a new concept which they call maximally random jamming, a precisely defined condition in which spheres are deployed in the most disordered way. Computer simulations show that eh packing fraction for the maximally jammed state is about 64%.

Torquato (torquato@matter.princeton.edu, 609-258-3341) believes that he new model will help to study randomness in many-body systems in general.

(Torquato, Truskett, Debenedetti, Physical Review Letters, 6 March; see figure at www.aip.org/physnews/graphics. Select Article.)

DARK MATTER UPDATE. At the dark matter detection meeting in Marina del Rey, California last week (Update 437) a group from Gran Sasso, Italy reported detecting evidence for dark matter particles. The Cryogenic Dark Matter Search collaboration (10 US institutions), using a different detection scheme, reported finding no evidence for such particles, and asserted that their results were incompatible with the Gran Sasso finding. (Stanford press release, 2/24. See preprint at http://arXiv.org/abs/astro-ph/?0002471.)

HIGHLY OPTIMIZED TOLERANCE. Many natural and man-made systems exhibit power-law statistics. That is, when you plot the likelihood of an event (e.g. sizes of forest fires, power outrages, and web file transfers, or losses due to hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, and man-made disasters) as a function of size the resulting graph will fall off proportionally to the size of the event raised to some exponent. Interactions or phenomena at many size scales (from very small to very large) contribute to the overall state of these systems. One theory, which tries to explain all this, is “self organized criticality”. Jean Carlson of UC Santa Barbara (Carlson@physics.ucsb.edu) and John Doyle of Caltech (doyle@cds.caltech.edu) now propose another theory, called highly optimized tolerance (HOT), which they believe does a better job of accounting for the tendency in interconnected systems to gain a measure of robustness against common and designed-for uncertainties and yet be hypersensitive to design flaws or rare events. For example, organisms and ecosystems exhibit remarkable robustness to large variations in temperature, moisture, nutrients, and predation, but can be catastrophically sensitive to tiny perturbations, such as a genetic mutation, an exotic species, or a novel virus. Engineers deliberately design systems to be robust to common uncertainties. Costs and performance tradeoffs force an acceptance of some hypersensitivity to (one hopes) rare perturbations. In evolved or designed systems, this tradeoff leads to the “robust, yet fragile” characteristic of complexity, one feature of which is power laws. Doyle and Carlson have been exploring the application of their theory to a number of biological and engineering problems with the help of experts in those fields. (Physical Review Letters, 13 March 2000; Select Article; a longer version appears in Physical Review E, August 1999.)

16 CONSECUTIVE MONTHS OF RECORD HIGH TEMPERATURES (global mean temperature, during 1997 and 1998) suggest to Thomas Karl (director of the National Climate Data Center, NCDC) that a human-induced global warming trend, and not merely the kind of natural temperature fluctuations one expects to see in the climate record, is under way.

According to Karl, the last quarter-century of data is characterized by a temperature gradient of two degrees Celsius per century. The 16-month streak is unmatched in temperature records dating back to the nineteenth century. (Thomas Karl in Geophysical Research Letters, 1 March 2000; tkarl@ncdc.noaa.gov, 828-271-4476.)

ANAMORPHIC IMAGES are those in which the painted image of an object has been distorted in such a way that the object becomes recognizable only by viewing it at an oblique angle or in some curved reflecting surface.

Anyone who has visited the National Gallery in London might have seen Hans Holbein’s painting “The Ambassadors,” in which an odd shape at the bottom of the canvas is seen to be a skull when viewed almost edge-on.

Anamorphic images were something of a rage in the Renaissance, and Leonardo and Durer tried the technique as part of their studies of perspective. An eighteenth century innovation was to create anamorphs of paintings by famous artists. A seventeenth century book by Jean-Francois Niceron worked out the geometrical algorithms for producing anamorphic art (the planar and conical cases are pretty easy but cylinders are quite challenging), but this mathematical connection was lost through the centuries. Now, scientists at Guelph University (Ontario, Canada) have re-derived the transform equations needed for producing anamorphs. (Hunt, Nickel, Gigault, American Journal of Physics, March 2000; Select Articles; James Hunt, phyjlh@physics.uoguelph.ca, 519-824-4120, x3993; Bernie Nickel, bgn@physics.uoguelph.ca; images at http://physics.uoguelph.ca/)

ATMOSPHERIC INFRASOUND. Humans hear sounds in the 20-20,000 Hz frequency range. Ultrasound, waves above 20,000 Hz, is used for things such as medical imaging and can be sensed by animals such as bats and dogs. But how about infrasound, sound at frequencies less than 20 Hz?

Humans can sometimes feel (even if they can’t quite hear) infrasound in the form audio systems with the bass turned way up. The monitoring of infrasound may contribute practical benefits in a number of areas: determining the location and nature of avalanches, tornadoes, and meteor strikes, volcanoes, and nuclear weapons tests. (Physics Today, March 2000.)

Appendix 2

US wades into Colombia’s dirty war

Clinton’s drive against cocaine trade will worsen

violence, human rights groups say

Martin Hodgson in Bogot

Wednesday August 30, 2000

President Clinton arrives in Colombia today amid tight security for a visit that will underline a deepening US commitment to a messy civil war involving government forces, paramilitary death squads, leftist rebels and 90% of the world’s cocaine.

In the first trip to the country by a US president in a decade, Mr Clinton will throw his weight behind Plan Colombia, an ambitious strategy which the Colombian government hopes will put an end to the drugs trade and bring peace after nearly 40 years of fighting.

Visiting the capital, Bogot, was deemed too risky, so Mr Clinton will meet the Colombian president, Andres Pastrana, in the resort of Cartagena, on the Caribbean coast, guarded by 5,000 Colombian troops and 350 US agents.

“Colombia’s success is profoundly in the interest of the United States a peaceful, democratic and economically prosperous Colombia will help promote democracy and stability throughout the hemisphere,” Mr Clinton said earlier this month.

Acknowledging both Colombia’s strategic importance and its growing instability, Mr Clinton has supported Plan Colombia from its inception, and pledged $1.3bn (J867m) towards the scheme. But critics of the aid package fear the money will only cause the fighting to escalate, and may even spread political and drug-related violence throughout the region.

Human rights

While some US aid will go to development programmes and an overhaul of Colombia’s legal system, most will be spent on equipment and training for security forces, despite persistent concerns over the military’s human rights record.

Monitoring groups regularly accuse the Colombian army of standing by while rightwing paramilitaries massacre unarmed civilians they accuse of helping leftist rebels.

Last week Mr Clinton waived strict human rights conditions imposed by Congress and authorized the aid package, arguing that Colombia’s situation was a matter of US national security. But a White House memorandum justifying the decision acknowledged that “there remain disturbing, credible allegations that individual Colombian military officers continue to collaborate with paramilitaries”.

The waiver provoked criticism from human rights groups. “It gives a clear message that from the US point of view, human rights are not important. What matters for them is the war on drugs,” said Jorge Rojas of the Consultancy for Human Rights and Displacement, a Bogot-based monitoring group.

There are signs that US aid has already led to an escalation of Colombia’s civil war. In March, the country’s largest guerrilla group, the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (Farc) said it would step up kidnapping for ransom in order to raise funds equal to the US military aid.

The guerillas have also increased their attacks against isolated police stations, part of a long-term strategy to strengthen their control of rural Colombia. Although they have been involved in peace talks since last year, no ceasefire has been signed and, since January, the rebels have attacked 50 such stations. Sixty officers and dozens of civilians have been killed.

“Farc is accelerating its plans for territorial control, but the guerrillas are not the only ones getting stronger. State forces are improving, as are the paramilitaries. Inevitably there will be an escalation,” said defence analyst Alfredo Rangel.

In early August, 83 US Green Berets arrived in the country to train the second of three counter-narcotics battalions contemplated in Plan Colombia. These units will lead a campaign into the rebel-dominated southern jungles of Colombia, where most of the world’s cocaine is made.

“Our aid is strictly limited to anti-narcotic activities. It is not directly towards supporting counter-insurgent operations,” Mr Clinton told the Colombian magazine Cambio this week. But Colombian military commanders recognize that a push in the region will inevitably bring troops into combat with several thousand Farc guerillas who protect drug installations in return for “wax taxes”.

Attack

“We will attack anyone in the drugs trade – Farc, paramilitaries or whoever,” said General Mario Montoya, commander of the army’s southern task force.

It is still unclear how a military strike against drug plantations will tally with the second component of Plan Colombia: a package of social development to help wean locals from growing drug crops.

According to Mr Pastrana, investment in education, infrastructure and services will play a key part in establishing the rule of law in the southern regions of Putumayo and Caqueta. Traditionally, Colombian governments have paid little attention to these remote Amazon regions, allowing both rebel columns and drug plantations to grow unchecked.

In the past, Colombia has focused on spending “to prevent drugs reaching the streets of the US, instead of investing in education, sewage systems, housing”, said Mr Pastrana. “We want to work hand in hand with the communities, instead of concentrating on the policing aspect”.

But finding for social development programmes remains in doubt. At a conference in Madrid last month, European countries failed to pledge the $1bn (J667m) Mr Pastrana had hoped for.

Meanwhile, Farc is reported to be giving weapons training to peasants in Putumayo, and refugee groups fear that up to 200,000 people will flee their homes if widespread fighting breaks out.

Neighboring countries have expressed concern that the plan may cause Colombia’s civil war to spill across its borders. Ecuador and Brazil have reinforced security along their jungle frontiers. Peru’s president, Alberto Fujimori, said last week that an anti-narcotics drive threaten the stability of the entire region.

“How can you strengthen democracy in the midst of a war?” said Mr Rojas. His organization and 36 more Colombian human rights, Indian and development groups have said they will not participate in projects funded under the plan.

Farc chiefs say Mr Clinton’s approval of Plan Colombia was timed to coincide with the US election campaign. Speaking from a stronghold in southern Colombia, Commander Andres Paris said: “They want to spill Colombian blood to help their presidential candidates.”

50 years of Conflict

948 Assassination of popular liberal politician leads to rural unrest which claims 300,000 lives over next decade

1953-57 Military seize power, before returning it to coalition rule by liberal and conservative parties

1964 Colombian military launch US-backed Operation Laso, to destroy leftist guerrillas. It fails and marks foundation of the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (Farc), a communist guerilla movement

1966 Creation of rival, smaller guerrilla group, Army of National Liberation (ELN)

1980s Emergence of right-wing narco-paramilitaries who target guerrilla groups and their supporters. Farc’s political wing loses 4,000 people killed by drug-traffickers

1990 US president George Bush announces war on drugs

1992 US says it will stop aid to Colombian army amid claims that the army used the cash to fight Marxist rebels

1993 Medellin drug baron Pablo Escobar is shot dead by Colombian police after a US-backed search

1994 Allegations that Colombian president-elect Ernesto Samper’s election campaign was funded by $6m from a Cali drug cartel lead to him losing his US travel visa.

1997 First US civilian pilot, working under a state department contract, is killed on a drug crop fumigation flight in south-east Colombia

1998 Farc is granted a 15,000 square mile demilitarized zone to encourage peace talks

June 2000 US Senate gives final approval to record $1.3bn package of military aid to help fight drugs and Marxist guerrillas

Why Sierra Leone’s war is far from won

The rebels may be in retreat, but renegades pose new threat

Chris McGreal in Freetown

Wednesday August 30, 2000

The Guardian

Study a map of Sierra Leone and you might find it difficult to imagine that the Revolutionary United Front is losing its war.

Four months ago, the government’s authority barely extended beyond the capital and the last means of escape, the international airport disturbingly far across the Sierra river. Beyond that, RUF rebels were largely in charge except in a few city enclaves vulnerable to attack.

The rebels are no longer such a threat. Freetown is more secure than at any time for years, and the RUF’s hopes of seizing power have been dashed. Their founder, Foday Sankoh, is in prison and his force is increasingly factionalised. The diamond mines that have funded its war will not be such an assert if an international agreement to permit only the sale of government-certified gems works, as it should.

But that does not mean the government’s remit has been extended much further than Freetown and the other enclaves. Territory newly liberated by the British-backed Sierra Leone army has not so much fallen under government control as fallen into a new form of chaos where groups such as the West Side Boys, who abducted 11 British soldiers on Friday, are free to rob, rape and kill.

This was not part of the British plan to galvanise the government, its army and the UN into confronting the RUF instead of backing down in the face of its attacks and breaches of last year’s peace accords.

The original intent was to build a single force using experienced troops from the old Sierra Leone military, militias such as the West Side Boys, and thousands of soldiers newly trained by the British.

This new army was to be thrown into battle against the RUF while a strengthened UN peacekeeping force secured the captured territory and freed up Sierra Leone’s army to continue advancing. The strategy had the added advantage of bringing the West Side Boys and other groups of young fighters, often high on drugs or drunk, under government command.

To some extent, it has worked. The army is beginning to look like a credible force and has won several important battle against the rebels. The RUF is generally in retreat and its attacks in the west are not as frequent or sustained. Some of its soldiers have surrendered, others show a reluctance to keep up the fight. Above all, there is no real prospect of the rebels seizing power as there was in May when Britain sent more than 1,000 troops to defend Freetown.

But neither the government nor the UN can offer even a reasonable guarantee of security more than about 30 miles beyond Freetown, even on the long, looping main road to the airport on which the West Side Boys seized the British troops.

And while the West Side Boys are relatively small and desperate militia, another private army is a much greater threat to security in what is claimed to be government territory. The civil defence force, more popularly known as the Kamajors, are a major force in southern cities such as Kenema and Bo where some residents describe them as imposing a reign of terror. They control large parts of the major highways south where young fighters regularly extort bribes, rape and sometimes murder those on the road.

Like the West Side Boys, the Kamajors rely on copious amounts of alcohol and drugs to fight, and they believe that charms and mirrors ward off bullets. And like the West Side Boys, the Kamajors are supposed to have fallen under government command but remain a renegade force.

Their leader, Sam Hinga Norman, who is also Sierra Leone’s deputy defence minister, flew to Kenema a fortnight ago to tell his men to end their lawlessness. They took little notice.

The situation will not be helped by the impact of diamond certification, as Kamajors, rebels and others mining the valuable gems try to unload their wares for fear of not being able to sell them in future.

Part of the problem lies with the UN. While its peacekeepers are more willing to fight the RUF to defend certain towns, they remain essentially passive when it comes to ensuring the security of liberated areas. UN soldiers do not touch the Kamajors’ roadblocks and do little to help the victims who are caught at them.

One UN official said the abduction of the 11 British soldiers by the West Side Boys clearly demonstrated that “it is a jungle out there and the idea that we can control things is completely wrong.”

That is a vacuum the RUF might just galvanise itself to step back into. To counter the threat, the UN secretary-general, Kofi Annan, wants to boost the peacekeeping force to 20,500 men. He told the Security Council on Friday that the RUF still poses a threat that “should not be underestimated”.

“The RUF is believed to have a strength of several thousand fighters. It is relatively well-equipped and, in spite of divisions between some groups, maintains a relatively well established system of command and control,” he said.

Bungled UN aid operation slows East Timor’s recovery

A year ago today its people voted for independence from Indonesia, but the fledgling democracy faces a hard future

John Aglionby in Maliana

Wednesday August 30, 2000

The Guardian

The growing mountain of freshly-made pupils’ desks and teachers’ tables stacked haphazardly outside Joao Evangelino’s rudimentary carpentry workshop in the town of Maliana neatly encapsulates the current state of East Timor, one year after it voted overwhelmingly for independence from Indonesia.

It is undeniable evidence that reconstruction in this United Nations-run territory, which was systematically destroyed by the Indonesian army and its local militias following the referendum last August 30, is at last gathering momentum and allowing the East Timorose the chance to participate in their own nation-building. But the fact that it is there at all, starting to gather dust, it undeniable evidence that there is still a long way to go before this former Portuguese colony can claim to have completed its phoenix-like rise from the ashes of last year’s devastation. Just last night, UN troops and militias exchanged gunfire near Maliana.

“The UN says it has nowhere to put it,” said Mr Evangelino, gesturing towards the furniture. “They haven’t decided which schools are going to reopen, let alone rebuilt them. And the school holiday ends next month.”

That Mr Evangelino endured a tortuous ordeal to see his workshop become a reality is a further microcosm of the nation’s acute growing pains.

“I put in my proposal on January 1 and got the money on May 30^th,” said the mini-entrepreneur who, like thousands of East Timorese, spent weeks hiding from the militia until the UN established a presence in October. “I was told little except that the process takes a long time and that I had to be patient.”

UN officials accept that reconstruction has been slow but blame the delays on factors beyond their control. “The situation in East Timor was exceptional,” explained the UN’s transitional administrator, Sergio Vieria de Mello. “Unlike when we arrived in Kosovo, there was nothing here. Everything had either been destroyed or stolen. We had to start from scratch.”

That was undoubtedly the case, but the army of foreign administrators, donors and developers went about reconstruction in the wrong way. The most prominent first signs of change visible on the streets of the capital Dili were a fleet of thousands of brand-new four-wheel-drive vehicles, a 500-room floating hotel shipped in from Singapore for the international staff, and the growing number of cafes catering to their cappuccino craving.

These visible manifestations of the new neo-colonialism might not have been so bad if there had been decent interaction with the locals, many of whom had lost literally everything. But, for the most part, the foreigners were taught practically nothing about East Timor before arriving and when they landed they received little guidance from their superiors.

“I did not arrive in East Timor with a full knowledge of the situation here or the psychology of the East Timorese,” Mr Vieira de Mello admitted. “It took me six months to understand.”

As if afraid to learn or take any initiative, many UN staff drove round from meeting to meeting with their windows up, appearing not to acknowledge the destitution and suffering around them. “After work people would not go out and speak to the East Timorese, to find out what they wanted,” one UN staffer said. “They went and checked their email.”

Compounding the problems were the over-optimistic expectations of the East Timorese. “There was a widespread feeling that we were going to come in and solve their problems overnight,” said Gianni Deligia, the UN district administrator in Maliana. “The reality is that we are more a like a supermarket. We have this and that on offer and they have to choose.”

Crisis point came at the end of April. Demonstrations outside the headquarters of the UN Transitional Administration in East Timor (Untaet) were a daily part of life in Dili. To the East Timorese it seemed as if there was lots of show but little substance. Not atypical, according to one aid worker, was an education project where “only 18% of the budget went on pens, paper and stuff for the kids. There was so much bureaucratic waste.”

Frustration

Local leaders are more blunt. “There was a sense of frustration, a lack of faith in Unteat,” said Jose Ramos Horta, a vice president of the East Timorese political umbrella group, the National Council of East Timorese Resistance (CNRT), and a Nobel Peace Prize winner. “[This was] because of their inability to involve the East Timorese, their inability to come forward with a roadmap, a plan. We saw time going by and no Timorese administration, no civil servants being recruited, no jobs being created.”

So in May Mr Horta and the CNRT president, Jose Alexandre “Xanana” Gusmao, “did a lot of shock therapy with the UN”, Mr Horta says, and within days a difference was noticeable. In June four of the eight cabinet posts in the transitional administration were given to East Timorese and the size of the local consultation council was doubled. “Now we are in a much more cordial, fruitful partnership between the UN and CNRT,” Mr Horta said. “There are less demonstrations, people are getting jobs and also enough to eat.”

There is also a roadmap of the path towards transition to full independence. The CNRT is currently holding its first proper congress where the goal is to empower the constituent political parties, both those that existed before Jakarta invaded in 1975 and the new ones. The first general election is timetabled for the second half of next year.

Of much greater concern are the faltering processes of reconstruction and developing a sustainable economy. The World Bank, in charge of stimulating small and medium-sized enterprises, “has never worked quicker in its existence since the second world war then it has here,” according to its spokesman in Dili, Malcolm Ehrenpries. But, he adds, there are numerous hurdles still to overcome before a proper development strategy can be implemented. “We do not even know how many people live in East Timor.”

The population was about 800,000 before the vote. But a proportion of these were Indonesians who left and more than 250,000 people fled or were forced into West Timor by the militias. Well over 100,000 are thought still to be in virtual imprisonment in refugee camps there.

Coffee is the only current significant foreign currency earner – to the tune of about J12m last year – although East Timor and Australia are exploring the sea between them for oil and natural gas. No one knows for certain how big a windfall might come East Timor’s way; people are hoping for billions but the most realistic estimates are in the range of tens of millions of dollars a year.

The lack of income-generating opportunities is reflected in the national budget which, for the sake of not wanting to create a massive debt burden, has been limited to a paltry $60m.

“We can’t yet see if the economy will ever be really sustainable,” said Arsenio Barno, the executive director of the East Timor Non-Governmental Organization Forum. “We’re concentrating on developing the capacity of our human resources but our worry is that we will end up like Cambodia. Seven years after the UN went in the country is still very dependent on foreign aid.”

The struggle to create a functioning judicial system is typical of East Timor’s human resources crisis, according to Mr Vieira de Mello. “What we had here were Timorese students with law degrees from Indonesian universities, none of whom had the slightest court experience,” he said. “Well, we appointed them, we trained them and if you visit the Dili court you will see that we now have a credible, independent Timorese judiciary.”

What Mr Vieira de Mello did not say was that while the system might be functioning it is unable to cope with the flood of work and, like all facets of the embryonic administration, will take years to develop enough strength in depth.

With the future not looking exactly rosy, most people are putting their faith in Mr Gusmao. This former resistance leader who spent seven years in Indonesian jails is by far the most popular man in the territory and is widely expected to become the first president of independent East Timor.

“I don’t see any serious alternative candidate to Xanana becoming president,” Mr Horta says. “Just like with Mandela, he is an exceptional individual that everybody just follows.”

But Mr Gusmao is not exactly brimming with confidence about East Timor’s prospects. “It’s difficult to rebuild this country,” he said. “We’re building anew and need a new mentality to go with it. I can’t tell you my priority because everything is still a priority.”

Fisherman find man’s head in belly of a cod

Patrick Barkham in Sydney and Owen Bowcott

Wednesday August 30, 2000

The Guardian

A huge cod caught off Australia’s Great Barrier Reef revealed a grisly secret after it was landed in Queensland at the weekend.

Weighing more than 44kg (97lb) and measuring 5ft 9ins long, the fish – a flowery cod with distinctive blotchy skin – was triumphantly lowered by trawlermen into the ship’s hold.

The trawler docked in Cairns and the cod was delivered to the Fine Kettle O’ Fish filleting factory. But when staff cut open its stomach yesterday a man’s head rolled out.

A co-owner of the factory, Peter Monson, said the head was whole and not badly disfigured. “There was disbelief. You would never dream of it,” he said.

Detective Sergeant David Miles of Cairns police added: “The fish was fairly big and the head appeared to be fairly much intact inside it.”

Police removed the fish and the grisly find for forensic examination. They suspect that the head may be that of a local fisherman, Michael Edwards, 39, who disappeared on Sunday after falling from his trawler east of Slashers Reef.

Trawlermen were puzzled about how the head could have found its way into the fish’s stomach so quickly. Flowery cod, also known as morgan cod, normally suck in their prey and do not have sharp teeth.

Cod are voracious migratory fish which normally feed on other fish and invertebrates. The flowery cod is often described as a shy fish, preferring coral reefs close to shore, but frequently descending to well below 30 meters (100ft). It is found in the Red Sea, Indian Ocean and off Australia’s Pacific coast.

The Fishing Cairns’ website describes the variety of cod species on offer to visiting anglers: “Humans find a great deal of affection for these seemingly gentle giants, with the game boat skippers and dive boat operators making an event of hand feeding their ‘pet’ while on charter. The fishes’ huge mouths will engulf substantial offerings.”

Top QC bows out

Libel legend: George Carman, the master of courtroom

cross-examination, retires

Clare Dyer, legal correspondent

Wednesday August 30, 2000

The Guardian

The legal world was stunned yesterday when Britain’s most famous lawyer, George Carman QC, announced that he was retiring to undergo medical treatment for an unspecified “little local difficulty”.

Mr Carman caused consternation when he pulled out of all the cases he was booked to appear in, including the big libel setpiece of the forthcoming legal session. With another silk, James Price, he was due to represent the Sunday Times at eh retrial of former Irish president Albert Reynolds’ libel action, scheduled to start in just over a month.

The announcement shocked solicitors who regularly briefed the 70-year-old QC, who was insisting only a few months ago that he would never retire. They said nobody else at the libel bar had his skill in cross-examination.

Mr Carman said: “It’s all very sad but these things happen and you face them with such fortitude as you can command.” He planned to write a book about his experiences.

Mr Carman, longtime smoker, refused to give details of his illness.

He was a successful but largely unknown QC when his defence of the former Liberal leader, Jeremy Thorpe, on charges of conspiracy to kill and incitement to murder brought him into the limelight. He became a sought-after criminal silk, defending the Coronation Street actor Peter Adamson on indecency charges, the comedian Ken Dodd for alleged tax evasion, the paediatrician Leonard Arthur for attempted murder in agreeing with parents’ wishes to allow a Down’s syndrome baby to die, and the actress Maria Aitken on drug importation charges.

In the 1990s his mastery of cross-examination, honed in the criminal courts, made him the advocate of choice for libel cases. A leading QC, Anthony Scrivener, described him as “simply the best cross-examiner in the business”.

Jani Allan, the South African journalist who sued the People over an article suggesting she had had an affair with the no-Nazi leader Eugene Terre Blanche, told him from the witness box: “Whatever the award for libel, being cross-examined by you would not make it enough money.”

Mr Carman summed up his role in a libel case: “You have the privilege and the responsibility of pulling the curtain back a little on the private and personal lives of people in the public eye. You learn that we are all mortal, we all have personal problems, personal strengths and weaknesses.”

He had a string of successes representing the media against celebrities including Gillian Taylforth, the East Enders actress who sued over allegations that she had oral sex with her boy-friend in a layby.

He enjoyed his last high-profile victory last December, defending the Harrods owner Mohamed al Fayed in a libel action brought by the former Tory MP Neil Hamilton, over allegations that he took cash for parliamentary questions.

Ian Hislop, editor of Private Eye, said Mr Carman had “destroyed” Mr Hamilton in the witness box. “Instead of playing to the other lawyers or the judge, he played straight to the jury. What he was brilliant at was making the case accessible to the jury.” Last year he represented the Guardian in the ill-fated lawsuit by Jonathan Aitken which led to the former Tory minister’s jailing for perjury and perverting the course of justice. The editor, Alan Rusbridger, said: “George Carman was every editor’s dream barrister, quick-witted, down to earth, funny and fearless.

“Being cross-examined by George was like facing Courtney Walsh on an uneven pitch in fading light. It was not a comfortable experience. He will be badly missed.”

Schools hit by teacher recruitment crisis

Schools hit by teacher jobs crisis

Rebecca Smithers, education correspondent

Wednesday August 30, 2000

The Guardian

Teaching unions yesterday warned of the worst recruitment crisis ever to grip British classrooms, with thousands of pupils due to return to understaffed schools next week no permanent teacher.

In London, where the problem is particularly acute, the government yesterday acknowledged the worsening situation by announcing measures to attract more trainees to inner city schools, including a doubling of the number of places for prospective teachers to train “on the job” and financial help with housing.

The Department for Education and Employment said new figures to be published next month will reveal 1,020 teacher vacancies in London in January this year – the highest on record. The vacancy rate for London is 1.9% compared with 0.6% for the rest of England.

Teachers’ leaders warned of the educational damage to children of a constant stream of supply teachers – often from abroad – as a growing number of London boroughs are forced to recruit staff from around the world. Tomorrow more than 20 teachers from Australia will be given a mayoral welcome in Croydon, south London, before starting work in 21 of the borough’s primary and secondary schools next week. Other London boroughs such as Greenwich and Hackney are seeking recruits from New Zealand, Canada and Dubai, in order to attract more ethnic minority staff.

John Dunford, the general secretary of the Secondary Heads Association , said: “The recruitment crisis is the worst we have seen. We are no longer talking about just London, but also Birmingham, Nottingham, Hull and Manchester.

“Hundreds of head teachers are facing the new team with large levels of vacancies, particularly at secondary school in the shortage subjects of maths and modern languages. Questions must be asked about what this does for continuity of education for youngsters, particularly those about to take important exams.”

Yesterday, announcing an extra J4m grant to double the number of places for teachers to train on the job in London without going back to college, the education and employment secretary David Blunkett said: “We are determined to help schools in the capital fill their vacancies. The package I’m announcing today will make teaching in London a more financially viable proposition and make more newly-qualified teachers available to teach in the capital”. A returners scheme will also aim to persuade qualified teachers to return to the profession, perhaps after having a family, while teaching staff are to be included in the new J250m Starter Homes Initiative providing housing help for key public service workers.

Ralph Tabberer, chief executive of the teacher training agency, said: “We’re clear that there is a problem in London, but we have a buoyant economy which makes graduate recruitment tough. The new J6,000 training ‘salaries’ for students starting postgraduate courses in September have led to a huge increase in applications for these courses.”

But David Hart, general secretary of the National Association of Head Teachers, commented: “It is an absolute scandal that in the year 2000, an advanced industrial country like England should have to go to the old colonies to recruit teachers that we simply can’t find from within our own resources because we don’t give the profession the recognition it deserves.

“The national picture is worse, London is dire and the south-east is extremely difficult. The market for good graduates is so competitive that unless the government is far more radical with its ideas, it is always going to be outmaneuvered by other professions which are recruiting the graduates we need in teaching”.

Nigel de Gruchy, general secretary of the National Association of Schoolmasters/Union of Women Teachers, added: “The government is simply propping up a shaky building with these measures.”

Camelot wins legal review

Lottery operator will have its day in court, but is denied

injunction halting Branson talks

John Cassy

Wednesday August 30, 2000

The Guardian

Camelot yesterday won the first round of its legal battle to hold on to the National Lottery against regulators who have ruled it out of the running for the next licence to operate the game.

A high court judge granted Camelot permission to seek a judicial review of the lottery commission’s decision to negotiate solely with Sir Richard Branson’s People’s Lottery and allow him time to improve his pitch even though both bidders had failed to meet regulators’ requirements.

However, Camelot was denied an injunction to halt its rival’s talks until after the review. The judge also warned that even if the courts found that the decision to exclude Camelot from talks was unfair, the commission had already decided that Sir Richard’s bid was “more favourable” and Camelot should not expect “significant relief”.

A hearing for the judicial review has been scheduled for September 15.

Both sides claimed victory from the court proceedings.

“We’re absolutely thrilled,” said Camelot’s chief executive designate, Dianne Thompson. “The decision to seek judicial review was taken with the full support of shareholders and Camelot’s 800 staff who strongly believe the national lottery commission’s decision to be unfair.”

Camelot underlined its determination to hold on to its contract by offering to buy the UK arm of US lottery operator GTech and install its own management. Concerns about the propriety of GTech’s software was one of the key concerns cited by regulators in explaining their decision to reject Camelot’s application to run the lottery for seven years from October 2001.

Both the People’s Lottery and the lottery commission said they expected Camelot’s court bid to fail.

“We remain confident we followed the correct procedures and came to the correct decision,” a commission spokesman said.

A People’s Lottery spokesman said they were delighted the court had not upheld Camelot’s application for an injunction. “We can now concentrate on working with the commission to resolve the outstanding issues over the next month.”

Judge Justice Elias said there were clearly arguable points which Camelot was entitled to bring to the court at a full hearing. However, regulators had found the rival bid “more favorable than that from Camelot in the sense that it would provide more money for public activities and so forth”.

“It seems to me that goes to the question of whether judicial review is really appropriate at all in this case and whether Camelot can expect any substantial relief even if they were to win at the substantive hearing,” he said.

Ms Thompson said Camelot had agreed with G-Tech to purchase its lottery software and take over its UK operation and staff, giving Camelot independence from the US firm.

GTech, whose shares have slumped by 16% this month, said yesterday that it was taking several steps to revitalize the company. The Rhode Island based company will fire around 175 staff, about 4% of its workforce, and spend around $45m (J30.6m) revamping its operations, said the chairman, Bruce Turner, who was brought in recently following the resignations of GTech’s chairman and chief executive, William O’Connor, and chief operating officer, Steven Nowick.

They quit shortly after it emerged that GTech had kept secret from Camelot a software glitch that resulted in thousands of winners in Britain being over or underpaid.

Despair grips Russia as disaster becomes a drab,

daily affair

Ian Traynor in Moscow

Tuesday August 29, 2000

The Guardian

Two days into the towering inferno that blanked out Moscow television screens and deprived 10m Muscovites of their daily soap opera fix, the pinnacle of Europe’s tallest structure was wobbling last night – a cruel symbol of how Russia’s once soaring ambitions are tumbling into hubris and humiliation.

The Ostankino television tower, rising 540 metres (1,771ft) to dominate the capital’s skyline, was until Sunday a monument to Russian power, prestige and hi-tech can-do, just as – until two weeks ago – the Kursk nuclear submarine was seen as a measure of Russia’s military prowess.

Gutted by fire and in danger of collapsing into a mangled heap of steel, cable and ferro-concrete, the TV tower yesterday made yet another eloquent mockery of President Vladimir Putin’s pledges to make Russia great again.

In contrast to his aloof, delayed reaction to the Kursk disaster, however, Mr Putin was quick yesterday to label the TV tower blaze a metaphor for the state of the nation.

“This emergency highlights the condition of our vital facilities as well as of the entire nation,” he declared. “Only economic development will enable us to prevent such calamities in the future.”

Moscow’s mayor, Yuri Luzhkov, said at first there was no risk of the tower collapsing, before changing tack and warning of “a large danger”. The wobbling spire of the secular cathedral was not a problem, argued Anvar Shamuzafarov, chief of the national construction committee, as 300 firefighters finally extinguished the blaze last night. “All deviations are within the norm,” he said.

Tilting

But a Moscow city surveyor said the tip of the tower was tilting 6ft off center. The main fear was that the 149 steel cables holding up the slender 33-year-old concrete structure could buckle and send at least parts of it crashing.

“The cables are weakened, but not broken,” said Vyacheslav Mulishkin, deputy head of the Russian fire department.

There are few prouder symbols in Moscow of once-hailed Soviet supremacy than the Ostankino tower. Erected in 1967 at the height of the arms and space race with the US and to mark the Russian revolution’s birthday, the north Moscow monument, with its revolving Seventh Heaven restaurant commanding panoramic views of the city, instantly overtook New York’s Empire State Building as the world’s tallest structure.

That was then. Ten years of post-Soviet meltdown, retreat from empire, mass impoverishment and colossal corruption have turned Russia into a vast accident waiting to happen.

The heyday of the Soviet space effort has given way to a crisis where the Mir space station is on its last legs, forever being patched up, and open to commercial offers from abroad. Latest estimates suggest it needs hundreds of millions of dollars to prevent it falling from its orbit and crashing to earth.

August is habitually Russia’s cruelest month and this year illustrates the rule – a bomb in the heart of Moscow, the sinking of the Kursk, the towering inferno. Last August brought more bombs in the city and the start of the Chechen war. The previous August brought the financial crash. And so on.

But while the submarine sinking convulses Russia with grief and hijacks the world’s emotions, and the dramatic pictures of the tower fire dominate the global TV screen, the sad fact of contemporary Russia is that disaster has become a drab and daily fixture. Yesterday alone, in addition to the Ostankino blaze, there were two booby-trap bombs in Grozny, the Chechen capital, a methane gas explosion at a mine in the Urals, and the bodies of two young conscripts were found north of Moscow. They had just shot themselves after going awol from their units.

For the professional catastrophists employed by the government’s ministry of emergencies come the predictions that endemic building, combined with lack of money, will lead to radiation and toxic alerts in the years ahead, as well as air crashes, pipeline ruptures and building collapses.

Last week the Izvestiya newspaper reported that more than 1,000 servicemen die every year in peacetime accidents. The military prosecutor’s office puts the toll from training mishaps, exploding ordnance and vehicle crashes at 1,100, though activist mothers campaigning for better conditions for their conscript sons put the figure at triple that. “Natural wastage,” the Russian military calls it.

The daily litany of misfortune generates alarmist, populist politics playing on paranoia, conspiracy theories and fear.

In the wake of the Kursk disaster, a “red-brown” group of nationalist and communist politicians, writers and editors issued a manifesto for “national salvation” to combat Russia’s “spiritual paralysis and despair. In these days of mourning, we are very clearly aware of the scale of the trouble into which Russia has been plunged,” they proclaimed. “Our people have been waging a great war for a decade, losing one million of our population every year, and leaving burning cities, blown-up apartment buildings, crashed airplanes, sunken ships, and devastated, depopulated regions, as well as countless graves of our compatriots behind on the battlefield.”

Russia was at “war for the right to call itself Russia, to control the territory between three oceans, to speak its native language, to worship its holy things, and to honor its heroes and forebears… trying with its last strength to put ships out to sea and squadrons in the air, to pump oil and natural gas, to heat the houses, educate the children, nurse the orphans, and to keep faith in its sovereignty and inviolability, and in the inevitable Russian Victory”.

Rather than victory, the current mood is one of demoralized defeatism. Even in the holiday season dozens of people are committing suicide; picking and eating poison mushrooms or bingeing on vodka and then drowning themselves in Moscow’s rivers and lakes.

President Putin’s appeal to Russians is that he represents to them the best option for fashioning order from this chaos, stability from mayhem. But while he promises a restoration of greatness, he also told the grieving relatives of the Kursk crewmen last week that Russia had to learn to live within its means. And while the 118 were entombed in the submarine at the bottom of the Barents sea, the president debated Russia’s brain-drain with prominent scientists and told them that only one in 20 businesses in the country were using modern equipment.

Trapped

And if navy manpower and equipment were not up to mounting an effective rescue for the 118 seamen on the Kurks, so the 300 firefighters in northern Moscow yesterday were struggling to reach at least two people trapped in a lift about 1,000ft up the tower. As many as four people may have died in the gutted structure.

All the evidence yesterday suggested that the conflagration had been sparked by negligence and refusals to heed warnings. The fire department said that even when first built, the tower had failed to satisfy the safety regulations. An inspection in May resulted in it being denied the required safety paperwork since its power supply system was 30% overloaded, making the kind of short circuit that occurred on Sunday afternoon virtually inevitable.

Europe fails to stem rising drug tide

Traffickers are defeating overstretched police, US says

Ewen MacAskill and Rob Evans

Tuesday August 29, 2000

The Guardian

Europe is losing the war against drugs, according to intelligence reports from the US Drug Enforcement Administration obtained by the Guardian.

The reports reveal dramatic increases in drug production – from poppy crops used to make heroin in Afghanistan, to the manufacture of ecstasy in the Netherlands – and police forces stretched thin while trying to cope with Europe’s porous borders.

The drug traffickers have been so successful that they have compiled huge hidden stockpiles throughout western and eastern Europe to ensure an uninterrupted supply.

An increase in drug seizures throughout Europe and Asia is interpreted not as effective policing, but as a sign of increasing volumes.

The DEA is especially critical of the politics of the Netherlands government, expressing skepticism about the effectiveness of its liberal approach. It describes the Netherlands as “perhaps the most important drug trafficking and transiting area in Europe”. Trends in the drug trade, it says, undermine the Dutch government’s policy of discriminating between “soft” and “hard” drugs.

DEA reports on 10 countries, from Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran, Turkey, Albania, Serbia-Montenegro, Macedonia, Croatia, Bosnia-Herzegovina and the Netherlands, were obtained by the Guardian during the past six months through the US Freedom of Information Act. They provide the most up-to-date information on the changing supply routes from the golden crescent countries – Afghanistan and Pakistan – to Europe.

The traditional route through the Balkans was disrupted by conflict throughout the 1990s, particularly the war in Kosovo last year. While variations on the route, using Croatia and Macedonia, have been adopted, much of that trade has shifted to the north.

Routes that emerged after the fall of the Berlin wall in 1989 are now witnessing the biggest volume of drug trafficking, especially through the Czech Republic, Bulgaria, Hungary and Romania.

The DEA emphasis that the lifting of border restrictions within the European Union under the Schengen agreement, which Britain opted out of, has made life easier for drug traffickers.

“Although this agreement is advantageous for trade, it is also attractive to drug traffickers,” the report says.

In one especially pessimistic passage, the DEA concludes that drug traffickers have built up stockpiles that allow them to ensure smooth supplies. “In the last few years, heroin has been increasingly stockpiled in some western and eastern European locations, enabling west European travelers to take delivery of the drug closer to home,” it says.

“Turkish heroin trafficking organizations work in collusion with nationals from eastern Europe who have established heroin depots to store large quantities of heroin and release it on demand.

“These storage facilities ensure a steady, uninterrupted drug supply to west European consumers.”

A report on the Netherlands, prepared by the intelligence division of the DEA and dated June 2000, says that Amsterdam is “rather unique in that every type of drug-smuggling and distribution organization is represented for strategic and logistical purposes. It is an organizational center, a central brokerage point and a safe haven.”

Among the 100 groups which are active in drug trafficking in Amsterdam are Turks, Colombians, Kurds, Chinese, Nigerians, Israelis, Moroccans, British and Irish.

The Netherlands is the world’s biggest producer of ecstasy, a “designer drug” that is a mixture of amphetamine and mescaline. The DEA says: “The United States is increasingly a target of MDMA [ecstasy] traffickers. Quantities of ecstasy tablets are routinely smuggled to the US by air courier or in postal or express-mail packages.

The DEA’s Hague office recorded the seizure of more than 3.5m ecstasy tablets between January and October 1999 destined for the US market (seized in both the United States and Europe).

The Netherlands is also the main source in Europe for amphetamines, with virtually all shipments going to Britain, Germany or Scandinavia.

The DEA also estimates that 75% of the heroin arriving in the Netherlands is for onward shipment throughout Europe and north America.

In contrast with the official approach of the Netherlands government, which differentiates between hard and soft drug traffickers, the DEA notes: “Dutch hashish traffickers are increasingly distributing heroin, cocaine and amphetamine to other countries. This ‘poly-drug’ activity is being encountered more and more frequently.”

Smuggling is carried out by rail, air and post, but mainly by road in private cars, commercial buses and – the most popular method – in large container trucks.

The heroin trail begins in Afghanistan, the world’s largest producer of opium. Although a reduction in the amount of land being cultivated for poppies is predicted for this year, the trend in the volume of opium production has been steadily upwards. Production has risen by 33% in the past three years, according to US estimates, and 80% of illegal opiate products in Europe come from Afghanistan.

The traditional route for heroin trafficking was through Pakistan and Iran, but the latter has become more problematic. The Iranian government has sent its troops into bloody battles with increasingly sophisticated drug traffickers from Afghanistan, so the traffickers have moved their routes north.

The DEA says: “Reports of heroin shipments north from Afghanistan through the central Asian states to Russia have increased. Tajikistan is reported to be a favorite destination for both opium and heroin shipments.”

Russia acts as both a consumer and transit point.

The usual destination for shipments from the central Asian states is Turkey, which “plays a significant role in the conversion of opiates from source countries in south-west Asia and the transshipment of heroin to the worldwide market, particularly Europe.”

It is estimated that four to six metric tons of heroin is either processed or transits through Turkey each month.

Relatives try to cash in on Bokassa’s palace

may join tourist trail

Former African emperor’s impoverished offspring attempt

to open home to tourists

Lucy Jones in Berengo

Tuesday August 29, 2000

The Guardian

The crumbling palace of Jean-Bidel Bokassa, the cannibalistic self-styled emperor of the Central African Republic, has seen better days.

Summer rains flood the secret underground quarters of the “imperial court”, located in a palm-tree grove 50 miles from the country’s decrepit capital, Bangui.

Madame Bokassa’s Italian bathroom tiles are chipped and the kitchen where chefs allegedly cooked the emperor’s political rivals, often serving them to visiting foreign dignitaries, is alive with rats.

The bedroom in which Bokassa slept, supposedly surrounded by piles of gold and diamonds, still bears the bullet holes of the French, who stormed the palace when they ousted him in 1979. A huge building resembling a ship, which was home to the president’s spies, stands empty.

But all this may change. The 62 children of Emperor Bokussa I, who were once the elite of this impoverished country but who now lives in rags in the palace grounds, want to turn the building into a tourist attraction.

“We are very poor. The palace is all we’ve got left,” said Jean Mboma, a grandson of Bokassa.

The Central African Republic attracts few tourists – only 4,000 last year. Even the hardiest of back packers are deterred by the prevalence of banditry and the lack of anything interesting to see or do.

But relatives of Bokassa, who died in 1996, and some government officials believe it is not only foreign visitors who can benefit from visiting Bokassa “attractions”. Central Africans need to know their history too, they say.

“He is an important character in the development of our country. We need to preserve that history, whether it’s good or bad,” said Albertine Dounia, head of the national museum in Bangui.

Expatriates recall Bokassa’s ruinous 13-year reign with fondness. “Things worked under Bokassa. The roads were good and the country was safe. The Central African Republic at that time was Africa’s best kept secret,” said one diplomat. Indeed, the former French president Giscard d’Estaing enjoyed hunting trips with Bokassa.

Central Africans often cite the university, sports stadium and sparse network of roads as achievements of the Bokassa era. But not everybody remembers with nostalgia the ruler who clubbed to death several children and who spent the equivalent of his country’s annual GNP on an extravagant coronation.

Residents of Kolongo, the location of one of Bokassa’s villas, said that living next to the dicatator was terrifying. “My brother, who was a teacher, was walking home one night past the palace grounds. He was taken inside. We never saw him again. It was a frightening time,” said Sima Fugaston, who makes a living selling the tall grasses which grow in the derelict den of the lions the president once kept.

“He used to scoop up beggars in his plane and drop them into the river,” recalled a university professor.

Exhibitions on Bokassa are outlawed in the country and his belongings, such as his gold-plated bed, are in the national museum’s basement.

“This is a sensitive subject,” said Pierre N’Dickini, director general of tourism. “Any exhibition or restoration of Bokassa’s properties needs to be done properly. This will take time.”

Bokassa’s family want to open the palace straight away. They have written to international tourist bodies to request assistance and are petitioning the government.

Constantin Ballangha, the president’s younger brother and former secretary chief, said that money was not the only issue. “Central African need to judge Bokasssa themselves. For too long we’ve been manipulated by the French. Opening the palace to the public is a start in allowing us to do this,” he said.

Campaign to scrap selective schools revives

Rebecca Smithers, education correspondent

Tuesday August 29, 2000

The Guardian

The campaign against grammar schools is to be relaunched this week, after the government bowed to pressure to make it easier for parents to abolish the surviving 165 selective schools.

Campaigners in Kent, which has the largest number of grammar schools, 33, will on Friday reactivate the petitioning process they were forced to abandon this year. The government is to relax some of the technical regulations to make it easier for campaigners to collect the signatures they need to force a vote among parents.

But the education secretary, David Blunkett, is expected to face fierce criticism of Labor’s policy on grammar schools at a fringe meeting at the party conference at the end of next month. It has been accused of “sitting on the fence” by letting parents decide the schools’ fate.

Speakers on the highly sensitive issue will include Lord Hattersley, a former Labor deputy leader, who is still outraged over Mr Blunkett’s claim this year that his “read my lips” comment about being opposed to selection was a joke.

The campaign in Kent was suspended at the end of March because of “political confusion” over the issue, the complexity of Campaigners needed to get 46,000 signatures of eligible parents for a vote to take place but are understood to have secured fewer than 7,000.

Their decision came hard on the heels of a vote in Ripon. North Yorkshire, where a two-thirds majority voted to retain their grammar school – the oldest in England – in the first ballot under legislation introduced by Labor.

Ballots are triggered by support from 20% of eligible parents. In Ripon it took campaigners six months to obtain the 1,800 signatures needed.

In Kent the parents of all children at the 600 primary schools are eligible to vote. The Stop the 11-plus (Step) campaign will on Friday ask the Electoral Reform Society for a threshold figure for the number of signatures they need in 2000/2001.

A Step spokesman, Martin Frey, said it had been told not to reprint the old petition forms, suggesting that changes were likely. A spokesman for the Department for Education and Employment confirmed technical changes such as allowing space to include up to 10 names on a petition form, rather than only three.

He said Mr Blunkett, in a Commons debate in June, had recognized the need for some practical changes, but there would be no amendments to the ballot system as enshrined in primary legislation.

Mr Frey said: “We are hoping for some meaningful changes that will make our Herculean task a little easier. Anything less than this and there will be hell for Mr Blunkett at the party conference.”

The selective structure in Kent was damaging standards, not raising them, he added. “As the GCSE results showed last week, there are some comprehensives that are doing magnificently well, despite having some of the best pupils creamed off to the grammars.”

He pointed to little-known changes that meant the “loss” of around 500 places from Kent grammar schools next year.

In addition, the 11-plus test is being changed, with a pass/fail-on-the-day format being introduced and consultation due to take place to bring it forward from January to September, when nearly all children would be only 10.

Big Brother could lead to fatal copycats, rivals claim

Matt Wells, media correspondent

Tuesday August 29, 2000

The Guardian

A BBC executive and a prominent psychologist have criticized the Channel 4 TV show Big Brother as a “freak show” that could spawn dangerous and even fatal copycat versions.

Phil Harding, head of editorial policy at the BBC, said the race to replicate the successful format would “mess up” participants’ lives as rival shows tried to outperform each other.

And Raj Persaud, a psychologist and media commentator, said Big Brother’s premise – filming a group for 24 hours a day and ejecting one each week – was based on exploiting ordinary people’s lives.

Both were speaking at the Guardian Edinburgh international television festival, in a debate about the surveillance-TV format that is increasing in popularity around the world.

Peter Bazalgette, head of Bazal, the company that makes Big Brother for Channel 4, denied that any of the participants would be harmed. All had applied to take part in the show, and had been told of what to expect.

He also categorically denied that Nick Bateman, a contestant who was evicted for cheating, was a “plant” designed to spice up the show. While the programme was never intended to be a social experiment, he said: “It’s riveting, it’s revealing, and it’s entertaining.”

Mr Harding said while Channel 4 had taken responsible steps to care for the contestants, other producers might not be so scrupulous. Warning against the inevitable rash of copycat shows that will follow Big Brother, he said: “At the top of the curve, there will be dozens of shows. They will push it and push it, and it won’t be a responsible company like Bazal, there will be a real plant, and it will really mess with people’s lives. A killer application will become a real killer application.”

Dr Persaud said the current series had already taken advantage of its contestants in a damaging way. “These people have been stereotyped. They have been turned into freaks.”

Sada Walkington, the first contestant to be “evicted” in the process by which the 10 contestants are gradually eliminated, said the editing of the show was designed to cast certain people in defined roles, and did not show the flaws of others. “We weren’t told that we would be manipulated as characters,” she said. “I was typecast as the dippy hippy southern posh blonde. They were putting us up to be people we weren’t.”

She was critical of the programme’s website, which contains written summaries of the activities in the house. “I find some of the stuff they wrote was really cutting, quite destructive of my personality.”

Ms Walkington said the show’s editors had promised not to broadcast scenes of participants in the shower unless there was a good reason to do so. Recently, she claimed, several had been shown showering for no reason other than to titillate the audience.

Ruth Wrigley, the show’s executive producer, said after the debate that there were always “editorial reasons” for showing someone in the shower, such as to demonstrate that they had just got up. “I just got bored with exactly the same getting-up sequence,” she said.

At an earlier session, David Liddiment, ITV’s director of programmes, revealed that he had turned down Big Brother because he thought it would be boring. “Everyone has their turning down the Beatles story,” he said.

In brief

Tuesday August 29, 2000

The Guardian

Phones jammed at Kray hospital

Well-wishers jammed phone lines to the Norfolk and Norwich hospital after hearing that Reggie Kray, the former East End gangster freed from jail on compassionate grounds last week, was too ill to go home. Kray, 66, who was serving life, has bladder cancer. The hospital in installing a separate line to take the calls.

Space alert for junk and gales

The MoD’s defence evaluation and research agency is studying the feasibility of a European space weather service to track hazards such as magnetic storms and man-made debris which threaten power grids and satellites. The Rutherford Appleton lab in Oxfordshire is leading the study.

Police hunt for dancer’s killer

Detectives hunting the killer of Heather Tell, 17, a dance student found asphyxiated on Saturday in a Tamworth park, yesterday interviewed her friends while continuing house inquiries and forensic tests.

Rain sends rail travel west

Flooding on the East Coast line at Granthouse, Berwickshire, caused delays and diversions for southbound trains from Scotland. Passengers could use their GNER tickets for Virgin’s west coast trains but were warned seats were scarse because of the bank holiday.

Eco-friendly float by the sun

Ra, a 30ft solar-powered boat, is offering tourists “silent” cruises on the Norfolk Broads as an alternative to the environmentally damaging diesel craft.

Hauliers cut France’s fuel lifeline

Jon Henley in Paris

Wednesday September 6, 2000

The Guardian

Petrol stations around France ran dry yesterday as a countrywide blockade of refineries and fuel depots by road hauliers choked off supplies.

Drivers queued bumper-to-bumper at the dwindling number of stations still open by late afternoon, on the second day of the blockade, or drove miles looking for top-ups. In many regions, the authorities imposed a J15 limit per vehicle, or ordered attendants to serve only doctors, firefighters and the emergency services.

“It’s mayhem and it’s been like it all day,” said Christophe Dupis, a weary pump attendant at a supermarket petrol station in Stains, in the northern suburbs of Paris.

“Usually people spend about J15, now its J30 or J40. We’re already out of unleaded. We’ve sold 12,000 litres since lunch-time, when the normal average would be 3,000.”

As the beleaguered transport minister, Jean-Claude Gayssot, headed into late afternoon talks in Paris with the haulage firms, who are demanding a backdated 20% cut in fuel taxes to offset soaring world prices, oil company Total said that 70% of its 6,000 petrol stations were dry and the figure could reach 90% by the end of the evening.

The blockade is supported in many areas by taxi drivers, farmers, ambulance firms, driving schools and removal companies. “This is my fourth attempt to fill up,” said Eric Bouchet, a plumber, queuing at the Stains station. “The others had run out of diesel. No fuel means no work.”

Mr Gayssot had earlier said that the EU and the European central bank should signal to oil producers their discontent at prices that have hit a 10-year high of more than $30 a barrel.

“Europe as a bloc – and the ECB as well, because I’d like to hear it on this issue and not just on plans to raise interest rates – should show its determination to discuss the matter, including with the Opec countries,” he said. “Things cannot carry on as they are.”

The blockade of some 80 depots and refineries was inspired by the success of a fishermen’s blockade of most French ports that stranded thousands of British tourists last week. That ended when the government agreed to generous compensation for fishermen, including cutting social security charges.

The lorry owners dismissed out of hand an offer of a 10% cut in state fuel taxes, made late on Monday night. “We can keep going for at least a week,” said Reni Petit, head of the National Federation of Road Hauliers. “Hundereds of firms will go out of business before the year end unless their fuel bills fall.”

The old industry federation said the protesters, who needed only to park a couple of articulated lorries and a tractor or two outside a fuel depot’s gates to cut off supplies, had blocked off all sources of wholesale fuel.

The blockade hit regional airports too, with officials at Nice and Mulhouse-Basel saying they had only enough aviation fuel left for one more day. Orly and Roissy-Charles de Gaulle airports in Paris were not affected as they are supplied by pipeline.

The hauliers say France’s heavy fuel taxes, second only to Britain’s in the EU, and high world prices mean they cannot compete internationally.

Science and the soul rendezvous at the Vatican

Philip Willan in Rome

Wednesday September 6, 2000

The Guardian

Having marked the turn of the millennium by apologizing to many of its historic enemies, the Roman Catholic church had begun this week building bridges with one of the most obdurate: the world of rational thought and science.

Thousands of scientists will attempt to plumb the depths of the human soul and the mysteries of outer space in the quest for an amicable meeting of mind and matter.

The week-long Jubilee of the Universities reaches its climax on Saturday, when the Pope will meet the delegates.

Neuroscientists will have a chance to delve into the organic seat of the immortal soul when a three-day conference begins in the Vatican this morning.

Entitled Architectures of the Mind, Architectures of the Brain, the gathering will be addressed by luminaries such as Professor Richard Frackowiak of the Institute of Neurology in London and Professor Steven Pinker of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

Those hoping for a final solution in the battle between Hobbesian materialists, who recognize the soul only as an epiphenomenon of organized matter, and the Idelaists, who deny the existence of the material world except as a creation of the knowing mind, may be disappointed.

“Studies of the soul are still in a pioneering stage,” said Gabriele Miceli, a professor of neurology at the Catholic University in Rome, the organizer of the conference.

“These topics don’t lend themselves to an experimental approach. We will be dealing with much more modest matters, such as the mechanisms and transformations of the brain and where they occur. We are a long way from understanding the soul or higher, philosophical thought.”

Researchers attending a conference in Bologna – Science and Knowledge: Towards What Rationality? – will go even more boldly to the edges of the universe. The meeting will be addressed tomorrow by Professor Duccio Machetto, director of the Space Telescope Science Institute in Baltimore, on the possibility of finding life outside our planet.

Prof Macchetto, who is responsible for the Hubble space telescope programme, said a powerful enough telescope would eventually give scientists the chance to travel into the past and probe for the “Big Bang” origins of the universe.

A sufficiently potent instrument 2,000 light years away would be able to record the birth of Christ, he told the Rome daily La Republica.

“I’m afraid though you would need a lens as large as the solar system to get a good image of the child Jesus.”

‘Jerusalem should be a unified world capital’

Top Palestinian calls for special status if no deal is struck

Suzanne Goldenberg in Jerusalem

Wednesday September 6, 2000

The Guardian

On the eve of a last attempt by President Clinton to untangle the most vexing problem in the Middle East – the status of Jerusalem – one of Yasser Arafat’s most trusted lieutenants said yesterday the Palestinians would be willing to make bold compromises on their claims to the holy city.

In a speech to the European parliament in Strasbourg, Ahmed Qureia said the Palestinians would support internationalizing all of Jerusalem – including Arab East Jerusalem, occupied illegally by Israel since 1967 – should the two sides fail to reach a final settlement in the crucial weeks ahead.

“Unless we can reach an agreement on Jerusalem, I have to declare that both parts of Jerusalem east and west should be a unified international Jerusalem … not just the capital of Israel or Palestine, but a capital of the world,” said Mr Qureia, who is speaker of the Palestinian parliament.

The proposal revives a formula put forward by the UN in 1947 and since repeatedly rejected by Israel, and opposed by the Palestinians, though it still remains part of European foreign policy.

President Clinton is to begin talks today with Israel’s prime minister, Ehud Barak, and Mr Arafat, meeting each separately on the sidelines of the millennium summit in New York.

The meetings at the Waldorf Astoria have caused some to hope that during the hubbub of the three-day summit of 150 world leaders, Mr Clinton will somehow produce the miracle that eluded him in two weeks of concentrated negotiations at Camp David last July.

Mr Clinton has linked the experience of those talks to having teeth extracted without painkillers, and strongly criticized Mr Arafat for his unwillingness to match Israeli compromises on Jerusalem.

Some Palestinians hope that yesterday’s proposal from such a senior figure as Mr Qureia, popularly known as Abu Ala and seen as a possible successor to the ailing Mr Arafat – could relieve some of the pressure on the Palestinian leader during his New York talks.

“He said it to try to throw forward an idea that would be acceptable among Europeans and internationally,” said Nabil Khatib, director of the media centre of Bir Zeit University in the West Bank town of Ramallah.

“The Palestinians have a feeling that Israel is trying to give the impression that they [the Israelis] are the only ones who are making concessions. Abu Ala is trying to show that the Palestinian people are also ready for concessions, but not one-sided, and not concessions to Israel. The concession is to have a new kind of solution.”

Accepting current Israeli proposals on Jerusalem, which would restrict Palestinian sovereignty to a few outer neighborhoods of the city, would be impossible for Mr Arafat to justify to his people.

“Mr Barak wants everyone to comply with his version of how things should be: occupiers’ law,” said Hanan Ashrawi, a member of the Palestinian legislative council. “But the issue is not just the holy sites, the issue is Jerusalem as a city.” Real solutions were needed, not just symbolic ones.

Mr Clinton is to use the meetings with Mr Arafat and Mr Barak to see whether to hold a second summit, possibly in October. But American officials say they first need to see signs of further progress since July’s Camp David talks. “Unless there is forward progress, unless we see a decisive way forward from this week … this [reaching a deal] gets more and more difficult,” the US national security adviser, Sandy Berger told reporters.

So far signs of progress do not appear forthcoming. Israeli and Palestinian officials have tried to dampen expectations of a breakthrough before September 13, the latest deadline for a final settlement.

Israeli officials say it is up to Mr Arafat to react to proposals since Camp David which blur the issue of sovereignty over the holy places in the old walled city of Jerusalem. “Arafat’s moment of truth has come and the Palestinian leader must make political decisions rather than turn the negotiations into a bickering match,” the Israeli foreign ministry said on Monday.

Instead, they are trying to press Mr Arafat to accept a dispensation for Jerusalem, offered since Camp David, that would dodge the question of ownership over the sanctified ground in the old walled city by declaring God the sovereign of holy places.

The US version of these proposals would have Israel controlling the Wailing Wall, the holiest shrine of Judaism, and the Palestinians in control of the Haram al-Sharif, the third holiest site in Islam, with God the sovereign of the passage between them.

Mr Arafat has come under mounting pressure from the US and Israel to accept the proposals, which are endorsed by Egyptand Jordan. After the last Camp David talks ended without agreement, Mr Arafat went to more than two dozen countries looking for support but found himself being urged to hold off on declaring a Palestinian state on September 13. On that, Mr Arafat appears to have yielded, and a meeting of Palestinian legislators in Gaza at the weekend is likely to support postponing such a declaration until later in the year. “September 13 is not a sacred date,” said Faruq Qaddumi, a senior Palestinian official.

But time is working against a settlement. The US presidential election campaign is expected to occupy much of Mr Clinton’s energy from now until the vote in November, and Mr Barak is barely hanging on to power. Stripped of a parliamentary majority, his government is surviving thanks to the summer recess in the Israeli Knesset.

If Mr Barak fails to reach a deal with Mr Arafat, he may resort to a new coalition with the rightwing Likud party, which opposes the compromises he offered at Camp David. Yesterday Mr Barak was hedging his bets, telephoning the Likud party leader, Ariel Sharon, from New York even as he awaited today’s meeting with Mr Clinton.

Clinton backs reform of UN peacekeeping role

Ewen MacAskill in New York

Wednesday September 6, 2000

The Guardian

President Bill Clinton will give his backing today to a proposal to reform the UN’s peacekeeping activities after their disastrous failures in Rwanda, Srebrenica and Sierra Leone.

In the opening speech of the three-day UN millennium summit he will tell the leaders of more than 150 countries that the US endorses the establishment of a permanent peacekeeping high command to replace the present show, ad hoc arrangement.

But wrangling over who will meet the peacekeeping bill continued behind the scenes. The changes will run into millions of pounds and the US is desperately trying to reduce its share of peacekeeping costs.

The US endorsement virtually guarantees acceptance of the peacekeeping reforms, published last month, drawn up by a UN panel headed by Lakhdar Brahimi, a former Algerian foreign minister.

In Srebrenica, the UN was humiliated when its peacekeepers stood by while more than 7,000 men and boys were massacred by Serbs. A more catastrophic failure occurred in Rwanda, where up to a million were massacred.

In Sierra Leone this year, 500 UN peacekeepers were taken hostage by a rebel force.

As well as a permanent high command, the reform includes giving peacekeepers clearer-cut mandates and “robust” rules of engagement. Such changes might have helped in the Balkans, where UN peacekeepers found themselves unable to intervene because they did not have a mandate.

But the UN reforms are in danger of being overshadowed by a series of meetings Mr Clinton is holding on the sidelines to try to revive the Middle East peace talks. Today he will have separate meetings with the Palestinian authority president, Yasser Arafat, and the Israeli prime minister, Ehud Barak.

Sporadic demonstrations were hold on the eve of the summit. Four Iranians were arrested for throwing yellow paint and another for disorderly conduct outside the hotel of the Iranian president, Mohammad Khatami.

The city has given permits for 91 demonstrations during the summit, but there has been no sign of a repeat of the protests by anti-globalization activists which caused mayhem in Seattle last year and in Washington earlier this year.

Many of the leaders of the trade unions and environmental groups involved in those clashes have laid down their banners and teargas masks for the weekend are talking to representatives of big business and government at an alternative conference being staged in the city.

More than 1,000 representatives from round the world gathered at the New York Hilton, about a mile from the UN headquarters, yesterday for the opening of the State of the World Forum.

It is a diverse gathering, bringing together politicians, academics, soldiers, New Age spiritualists, representatives of multinational companies, as well as the trade unions leaders and the environmental lobby.

Jim Garrison, its organizer, said the Seattle protests had been beneficial in bursting the euphoria about globalization.

Mr Garrison, 49, an American academic and veteran campaigner against the nuclear arms race, said the forum was about channeling the protests which had been useful in focusing attention on the problems of globalization.

He added: “We have to move from protest to engagement.”

The opening day of the forum brought together figures such as John Sweeny, president of the AFL-CIO trade union organization, George Soros, the financier, and Mikhail Gorbachev, the former Soviet president.

Helen Clark, the New Zealand prime minister, who will speak at the UN millennium summit, made the trip across Manhattan to address the alternative forum.

Other leaders scheduled to attend include Thabo Mbeki, the president of South Africa, and Olusegun Obsanjo, the Nigerian president.

Mr Garrison said globalization was ruthless, and questions such as the unequal distribution of wealth and the impact on the environment had to be discussed. He added that talks did not mean that future protests were ruled out.

North Korea announced yesterday that it had pulled out of the UN summit after a confrontation between its delegation and US security officials while they were passing though Frankfurt airport.

The deputy foreign minister, Choe Su-hon, said the delegation decided to return home after “rude and provocative” treatment by US security staff, whom he accused of strip-searching members of the presidential entourage.

Gestures not enough to teach the world

The right to education

Larry Elliott and Victoria Brittain

Friday September 8, 2000

The Guardian

We have been here before. The high-level conferences, the firm commitments, the hand-wringing, the international agreements that promise the earth and deliver next to nothing – all have been part of the backdrop to the campaign for debt relief. Now there is a threat that the campaign for universal primary education could go the same way.

Today is international literacy day and there is plenty for the world community to do. Out of a global population of 6bn, 880m adults are illiterate, two thirds of them women, most of them in south Asia. The next generation of people that will be unable to read and write has already been born unless action is taken speedily to turn fine words into action.

It is four months since the UN conference in Dakar that promised that every child would be inside a classroom by 2015 and the signs are not promising. In theory, the conference was a step forward, committing every country in the developing world to produce an action plan for education and pledging governments in the developed world to ensure that the plans would not go unimplemented for lack of cash – around $8bn (J5.6bn) a year.

The World Bank is now trying to put together a global initiative, but as is the way with global initiatives, this is taking time. And time for a child out of school in sub-Saharan Africa is a commodity that quickly loses its value.

One of the reasons it is taking time is because of the attitude of some western governments, including Britain. The aid agency Oxfam called for a dedicated global action fund to ensure that the Dakar declaration did not go the way of the Jontien declaration of 1990, which called for universal education by 2000 but failed to marshal the necessary resources to turn the vision into reality.

Britain’s Clare Short is a strong opponent of earmarking special funds for education, arguing that the problem for developing countries is not a lack of finance but a lack of the proper policies. She believes calls for a fund are simply “gesture politics”.

Tony Blair, who has pledged that the government’s “education, education, education” manifesto should apply to the whole world, failed to move the subject up the agenda of the Group of 7 at its meeting in Okinawa in July. Instead the G7 focussed on closing the digital divide between North and South: the gap in access to new technology between rich and poor countries.

This is a worthwhile objective. One third of the world’s population live in countries which have fewer telephone lines in total than Italy. Around 90% of telecommunications traffic takes place between rich countries, while 50% of the world’s population have never made a phone call. As the knowledge economy takes root in the coming years, this lack of access will take a heavy toll and widen the divide still further.

Bringing telephone lines and computers to poor countries sounds like an excellent idea – particularly to those hi-tech companies lobbying for wider access for their products – but it is putting the cart before the horse. A computer is not much use to a child who cannot read.

Without determined international action these children, their families and their countries will be marginalized in poverty, probably irrevocably, and Fortress Europe will increasingly find it impossible to keep the most desperate individuals out.

And all these figures underestimate the full extent of the literacy problem, perhaps by as much as half. They are based on school attendance figures, and ignore the problem of the numbers of children who leave school functionally illiterate. In Africa, where increasing numbers of children will be out of school unless there is emergency action by western institutions, a new generation of adult illiterates is set to create a dangerously marginalized section of society and fire the wars of deprivation like Sierra Leone’s.

Even in the industrialized world illiteracy is a problem, with almost a quarter of young adults in the US having difficulty reading all but the simplest of texts. In the developed as in the undeveloped world low literacy invariably means poverty and the spiraling problems of drugs, violence and insecurity which go with it.

French chaos as fuel tax blockades spread

Jon Henley in Paris

Friday September 8, 2000

The Guardian

France’s fuel tax standoff escalated further yesterday as serious fissures began to appear in the ruling coalition and the European commission threatened legal action to maintain the free movement of goods.

With some 80% of the country’s petrol stations either empty, under tight rationing or reserved for the emergency services, taxi drivers became the latest group to join the campaign for fuel tax cuts, causing traffic chaos in more than a dozen cities with massed “go-slow” protests.

Farmers declared there was no prospect of them withdrawing from the barricades they are helping road hauliers to man outside 125 oil refineries and fuel depots around France.

Dodging riot police, several hundred farmers succeeded in blocking the entrance to the Channel tunnel at Calais late yesterday afternoon, leading to angry confrontations with motorists. The blockade was later temporarily lifted to allow furious British holidaymakers on to the shuttle.

Other farmers drove tractors and trailers on to train tracks outside Strasbourg and Bordeaux, brining high-speed TGVs in the east and west to a standstill for most of the day.

Nantes, Nice and Rennes airports reported they had all but run out of aviation fuel, school meals went undelivered in the Vosges, emergency-only petrol stations went dry in Brittany, and police were called in to guard requisitioned pumps in Lyons.

For the first time in the four-day blockade, the French capital began to feel the pinch. While surrounding fuel depots were largely kept open by armed riot police, Paris petrol stations began to run out of fuel, particularly diesel, in increasing numbers.

Furious at the fuel tax cuts already offered to the road hauliers, the Green party, a minority member of the Socialistled coalition, warned the prime minister, Lionel Jospin, that it would react “forcefully” if any more concessions were made to road users.

“I back the cabinet that I am a member of, but I want to remind everyone that I joined it on the understanding that we would work for clean air and for moving away from road to rail transport,” said the environment minister, Dominique Voynet.

She had demanded an urgent meeting with Mr Jospin and said the Greens “were not in this government in order to do the exact opposite of what we were elected to do”.

Mr Jospin said on Wednesday night there would be no further negotiations with the hauliers and the government’s offer was final.

In Brussels, the European commission sent a formal request to Paris “concerning a possible obstacle to the free movement of goods”, spokesman Jonathan Todd said. France would be violating EU law if it did not ensure its frontiers and main routes were kept open to goods traffic, he said.

How Opec came back to haunt the west

Record demand and tighter supply have sent oil prices soaring but, unlike in the 70s, the producers may back down

Brian Whitaker and Larry Elliott

Friday September 8, 2000

The Guardian

Bill Clinton’s message to crown prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia was brief and to the point when they met yesterday. Unless the world’s biggest oil producer shook some sense into the militant members of the Opec cartel, there was a risk of plunging the world economy into recession.

This week’s Millennium Summit in New York has been the ideal time for some diplomatic arm-twisting, and the outgoing US president has taken full opportunity of the presence of 189 world leaders to spell out to the Saudis the consequences of turning up the heat on the big industrialized economics.

With rising energy costs casting a shadow over Al Gore’s election hopes, halting the relentless rise in the oil price to its highest level in 10 years has become a key policy objective in Washington. Nor did Mr Clinton need to look very far for a world leader to support him. Jacques Chirac was also at the United Nations summit to give a first-hand account of how France is grinding to a halt as a result of the protests at rising petrol prices.

After years in the doldrums, Opec has now grabbed centre-stage once more. It is 27 years since the 11-nation cartel first came to public notice when its response to Israeli victories in the Yom Kippur war was to increase oil prices fivefold, triggering a period of stagflation – rising prices and lengthening dole queues – in the west.

Over the past 18 months it has again been flexing its muscles, agreeing to curb production as world demand for oil rises. As motorists have found to their cost, the result has been a sharp increase in petrol prices at the pump.

Prince Abdullah probably did not take much persuading at his meeting with Mr Clinton. The Saudis are well aware that a downturn in the west could cause a collapse in the oil price. Even so, they are likely to get some flak from other Opec members at the cartel’s meeting in Vienna on Sunday, who say that the oil producers are being unfairly criticized for a problem caused by higher fuel taxes and refinery bottlenecks in the west.

A chart on its website headed “The rip-off race” cheekily compares the prices of a barrel of oil, a barrel of Coca Cola and a barrel of Perrier water. Needless to say, it shows that oil is a bargain, though perhaps less thirst-quenching.

Today, Opec has more muscle than ever before – at least in theory. Its share of worldwide production has increased from 36% to 42% over the last 10 years, and its share of proven reserves has increased from 67% to 78%. This trend, in the view of some analysts, is likely to continue.

But Opec’s ability to use this muscle is limited because its members – Algeria, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Kuwait, Libya, Nigeria, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates, and Venezuela – have divergent interests and its decisions have to be based on consensus.

Oil-producing countries range from those which can barely produce enough for their own needs to those which are almost totally dependent on oil for their foreign exchange earnings.

Dependent

The most dependent countries benefit from high prices but also need price stability. Drastic changes, up or down, hamper longer-term development and can mean re-drafting the national budget at short notice. Besides the Opec countries, Russia, Kazakhstan, Azerbaijan, Yemen, Oman and Mexico fall into this category.

Julian Lee, almost at the London-based Centre for Global Energy Studies, said yesterday that Sunday’s discussions will not be about whether a production increase is needed, but by how much.

“It is all but certain that the situation will trigger an increase of 500,000 barrels a day, which will be fairly generally accepted,” he said. “But Saudi Arabia will push for a bigger increase – because it sees this as being in its own long-term interests and those of Opec generally.”

The Saudis are well-placed to do this because they hold about two-thirds of Opec’s spare capacity which is estimated at 3m barrels a day. The Saudis would to some extent be shielded from a fall in oil prices by revenue from their extra production.

But other Opec countries – Algeria, Iran, Libya, Nigeria and Venezuela – would lose money as a result of lower prices because they have little spare capacity.

Venezuela, which currently holds the presidency of Opec, is at the forfront of the reluctant faction. At 3.1m barrels a day it is Latin America’s largest producer – but almost totally dependent on oil. Each $1 drop in oil prices costs it about $1bn (J665m) a year.

Its charismatic president, Hugo Chavez, has called an Opec summit in Caracas for later this month, and argues that the real issue is not high prices, but fair prices.

“We understand that they [consumers] start to feel uneasy when crude oil prices reach $30 a barrel, but they can imagine how it must have been for us when it fell to $8,” he said recently.

Coming at a critical moment in the Middle East peace process and in the midst of an American presidential election campaign, the argument over oil prices has acquired a political dimension.

The Americans have been shouting more loudly than usual, and the perception that this was motivated, at least in part, by the electoral needs of the Democrats caused some resentment.

Since then, the issue has been further complicated by American efforts to drum up support for its proposals on the Israeli-Palestinian issue. On the thorny question of Jerusalem, the Arab governments generally view the US as oversympathetic towards Israel. This is not a particularly good moment for Arab governments to be seen kow-towing to the Americans.

Any decision to increase production will also have a built-in assumption that existing supplies will continue unabated. But with low stockpiles around the world, consumers have no real cushion against disruption of supplies from less dependable sources such as Iraq, Nigeria, Colombia and Angola.

Clinton wins oil pledge

Saudis to raise production as revolt on prices brings France to a halt

Larry Elliott, Charlotte Denny and Jon Henley in Paris

Friday September 8, 2000

The Guardian

Bill Clinton last night won a pledge from the world’s biggest oil producer, Saudi Arabia, to halt the relentless rise in the price of crude which yesterday brought France to a halt and prompted fears of a global recession.

As UK petrol firms responded to the 10-year-high in oil prices by putting up fuel prices by 2p a litre, crown prince Abdullah said Saudi Arabia would raise production by 700,000 barrels a day in an effort pressure on the west.

However, oil experts said the 3% increase in output would not be enough to bring crude oil prices to below $30 a barrel and motoring organizations warned that British drivers could soon expect to pay J4 for a gallon of petrol.

Speaking at the UN millennium summit in New York, President Clinton said he had put pressure on Saudi Arabia to take action ahead of Sunday’s meeting of Opec – the 11-member oil producers’ cartel.

“I told him I was very concerned that the price of oil is too high, not just for America but for the world,” said Mr Clinton after his meeting with the crown prince. “If it was to cause a recession in any part of the world that would hurt the oil producing countries.”

Large parts of France ran out of fuel yesterday as hauliers and farmers, more determined than ever to win big fuel tax cuts from the government, continued their four-day blockade of oil refineries and depots.

Angry farmers, already active on most of the 120 blockades up and down the country, successfully blocked the entrance to the Channel tunnel with their tractors, triggering scuffles with British tourists.

Around 50 British holidaymakers mounted a counter-blockade by blocking a lane being used by the authorities to allow French cars to trickle past the barricades, and threatened to cut off the main A16 motorway if they were not allowed to get through the blockade and go home. Under police escort, a convoy of British cars and coaches was eventually allowed through in the late afternoon.

A British police sergeant, who was part of the convoy but asked not to be named, said: “It seems we managed to outmaneuver them with a bit of British courage and some cunning. We played them at their own game and it worked. In the end it was quite a fun victory for all.”

Another convoy member, Frank Davidson, 49, said: “This was as sweet a victory as Wellington over Napoleon at Waterloo. They didn’t like it when we put up a fight.”

While talks resumed late in the afternoon between the French transport minister, Jean-Claude Gayssot, and the two main hauliers’ federations, the government reiterated that it would go no further than the 15% tax cut, worth J100m, it offered on Wednesday. Meanwhile, the European commission threatened legal action if the free movement of goods within the EU was disrupted.

As the protest spread, the hauliers, farmers, ambulance drivers and coach firms were joined by thousands of taxi drivers in massed “go-slow” processions that brought traffic to a halt in a dozen cities and caused motorway tailbacks.

At least three regional airports reported they would be out of aviation fuel by this morning. Wholesalers at the main Rungis market outside Paris said supplies of fresh fruit and vegetable were beginning to be affected and 80% of the country’s petrol stations were either dry, subject to rationing of J15 per vehicle, or had been requisitioned for emergency service use only.

In the financial markets yesterday, the price of a barrel of crude oil eased back from a peak of $34.50 to $33.91. However, dealers said that most of the Saudi production increase had been anticipated by the markets and that prices were not likely to fall markedly.

They said Saudi Arabia was the key player in the crisis because it was the only Opec nation with the spare capacity to pump the extra oil needed to bring prices under control. But it can expect opposition from other Opec members who are enjoying extra revenues from the price surge from under $10 a barrel at the start of last year.

Lawrence Eagles, oil analyst at the City firm GNI Securities, said a harsh winter could boost demand by an extra 500,000 barrels a day, pushing prices still higher.” You can’t rule out $40 a barrel if Opec aren’t prepared to act,” he said.

• Copyright Guardian Media Group pic. 2000

Appendix 3

Be prepared!

Five-year phase-in plan for “EuroEnglish”

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As par of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase in plan that would be known as “EuroEnglish”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the “k”.

This should klear up confusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing public enthusiasm in the second year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with the “f”.

This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter. In the third year, public akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the 4^th year, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords containing “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer combinations of leters. After zis fifz year, v evil hav a realy sensible riten styl. zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand each ozer ZE DREAM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

The English Langauge

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn’t canine.

English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese?

Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

English is a silly language … it doesn’t know if it is coming or going !!!

__________________

Facts

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the “honey month” or what we know today as the “honeymoon.”

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s.”

_________________________

Some rules

1. Make sure each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.

2. Just between you and I, the case of pronoun is important.

3. Watch out for irregular verbs which have crope into English.

4 Verbs has to agree in number with their subjects.

5. Don’t use no double negatives.

6. Being bad grammar, a writer should not use dangling modifiers.

7. Join clauses good like a conjunction should.

8. A writer must be not shift your point of view.

9. About sentence fragments.

10. Don’t use run-on sentences you got to punctuate them.

11. In letters essays and reports use commas to separate items in series.

12. Don’t use commas, which are not necessary.

13. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

14. Its important to use apostrophes right in everybodys writing.

15. Don’t abbrev.

16. Check to see if you any words out.

17. In the case of a report, check to see that jargonwise, it’s A-OK.

18. As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong.

19. About repetition, the repetition of a word might be real effective repetition – take, for instance the repetition of Abraham Lincoln.

20. In my opinion, I think that an author when he is writing should definitely not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words that he does not really need in order to put his message across.

21. Use parallel construction not only to be concise but also clarify.

22. It behooves us all to avoid archaic expressions.

23. Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and ought to be weeded out.

24. Consult the dictionery to avoid mispelings.

25. To ignorantly split an infinitive is a practice to religiously avoid.

26. Last but not least, lay off clichés.

By George L. Trigg

_________________________

Overworked!

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes.

__________________________

Top 13 Signs Your CAT is Planning to Kill You!

1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey’s 900 number on your bill.

3. He actually _does_ have your tongue.

4. You find a stash of “Feline of Fortune” magazines behind the couch.

5. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.

6. You wake up to find a bird’s head in your bed.

7. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.

8. Droppings in litter box spell out “REDRUM.”

9. Catch him with a new Mohawk looking in the mirror saying, “Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?”

10. Takes attentive notes every time “Itchy and Scratchy” are on.

11. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

12. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

13. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman’s noose.

______________________________________

Room Service in Asia: Tendjewberrymud

Room Service: “Morny. Ruin sorbees”

Guest: “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service”

RS: “Rye.. Ruin sorbees.. morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??”

Guest: “Uh.. yes.. I’d like some bacon and eggs”

RS: “Ow July den?”

G: “What??”

RS: “Ow July den?. Pry, boy, pooch?”

G: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.”

RS: “Ow July dee bayhcem… crease?”

G: “Crisp will be fine”

RS: “Hokay. An San tos?”

G: “What?”

RS: “San tos. July San tos?”

G: “I don’t think so”

RS: “No? Judo one toes??”

G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo one toes’ means.”

RS: “Toes! Toes!... why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow signlish mopping we bother?”

G: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast’. Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”

RS: “We bother?”

G: “No.. just put the bother on the side.”

RS: “Wad?”

G: “I mean butter… just put it on the side.”

RS: “Copy?”

G: “Sorry?”

RS: “Copy… tea… mill?”

G: “Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all.”

RS: “One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy… rye??”

G: “Whatever you say”

RS: “Tendjewberrymud”

G: “You’re welcome”

_____________________________

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, than counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn with the teeth.”

______________________________

The main problem with old age is that you don’t grow out of it.

_______________________________

Oops

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

_____________________________

A man’s perspective

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused , with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

“A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear.

“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!”

______________________________

A Quote

“The other thing we have to do is to take seriously the role in this problem of older men who prey on underage women. … There are consequences to decisions and …one way or another, people always wind up being held accountable.”

-Bill Clinton, June 13, 1996, in a speech endorsing a national effort against teen pregnancy (As quoted in U.S. News and World Report)

Microsoft Patent

REDMOND, WA – In what CEO Bill Gates called “an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors,” the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.

With the patent, Microsoft’s rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones – the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs – unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant. “Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975,” Gates told reporters. “For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals.”

A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.

“While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes,” said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet applications. “The licensing fees we’d have to pay Microsoft every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company.”

“If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to convert to analog,” said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, “and I have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs.”

As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop “an abacus for the next millennium.” Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.

Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft. “We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours,” Gates said. “Among Microsoft’s vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as ‘sunya,’ or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or ‘one’; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or ‘the cipher’; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre’s Being And Nothingness.

Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers.”

Added Gates: “My salary also has lots of zeroes. I’m the richest man in the world.”

According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft’s patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized.

“Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence,” Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. “In other words, pretty much everything.”

Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi.

Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week.

Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and smiling.

In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company’s latest move will, ultimately, benefit all human kind.

“Think of this as a partnership,” Gates said. “Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world’s richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes.”

_____________________________

Getting in

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, “Let-s watch the registration table to see if there’s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in.”

Immediately, burly athlete walks up to the table and states, “Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput.” He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, “Very good, Mr MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information.”

HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: “Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin.”

The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!”

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: “Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus.”

The attendant says, “Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself.”

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan – OH NO. He’s a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They spot him walking with a roll of barb wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: “Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing.”

________________________

The Root of All Evil!

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18the century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

_________________________________

Financial Worries

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“Excuse me?” the accountant said.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”

“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”

“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”

---------------------------------------------------------

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear”.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

_______________________

Diet Rules for Cheaters

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calaries.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat – the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D’LITES distributors. Great “Meal Replacement” with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.

Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat.

Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

___________________________________

Bad News

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately. After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: “The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn’t show up yesterday…”

_________________________

Similarities between Santa Claus and System Administrators:

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he’s got, he says, “Elves make it for me.”

5. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows whom Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

Why Men Can’t Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp.

If you don’t, you’re insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.

If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.

If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.

If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re an egotist.

If you’re not, you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she’s tired.

If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

___________________

Perfect?

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women, end here. Men, keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.

This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this brings another point: women never listen either.

______________________

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with my wife.”

“Oh yeah,” said Eddie. “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Harvey replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say”?

Before Harvey had time to answer, his wife entered the bar and swiftly interjected: “I said: ‘Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel’”.

_______________________

A young man in a bar leans over to the guy sitting next to him and says, “Hey buddy, do you wan to hear a “redneck” joke?”

The second guy replies, “Before you tell that joke you should know something. I’m 6’ tall, 200 lbs. … and I’m a redneck. See my friend over there? He’s 6’2, 225 lbs. … and he’s also a redneck. And see that big fella next to him? He’s a redneck too.

So, do you still want to tell that joke?”

To which the young man answers, “Nah. I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

_________________________

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

_________________________

An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, “I don’t know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I’m afraid we’re broke.”

The wife says, “No, we’re not. Let’s go for a drive into town.”

Husband replies, “Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you’re crazier than me.” So off they go into town.

When they get there the wife points and says, “See that office building? We own that.”

Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town.

Wife says again pointing, “See those five houses? We own those.”

Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, “What makes you think we own all this property?”

Wife replies, “Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?”

Husband says, “Dammit woman, if I’d known you were this good with money I’d have probably given you all my business.”

_______________________

A man came into a pet shop carrying a parrot in a bird cage. “I want to return this bird,” he said.

The owner sighed at the prospect of facing yet another this-bird-won’t-talk complaint. “Sir”, he said, “we guarantee that all our parrots can talk. However, we can’t guarantee when they will talk. It’s all spelled out on your sales receipt.”

“No, no, you don’t understand,” the customer said. “The bird talks. I just don’t like his attitude.”

Puzzled, the store owner said, “You’re right. I don’t understand. Explain it to me.”

“I bought the bird a week ago,” the customer said. “Every morning, I’d stand in front of his cage and ask ‘Can you talk?’ I did the same thing every evening. For six days, I got no response. Then, this morning, I shouted at the bird, ‘CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?’”

The customer glared at the parrot. The owner asked, “So, what happened?”

“That bird looked at me,” the customer said, “and said, ‘I can talk, all right. Can you fly?’”

______________________

Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.

Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped.

“Mahoney!” he said, shaking his head. “It’s a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this.”

“Yeah,” Mahoney said, curling his lip. “But I don’t eat here.”

__________________________

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, “Ey, Tony! You know who’s – a George Washington?”

Tony says, “No, Giuseppi, who’s-a George Washington?”

He says, “Hah! George-a Washington’s the first-a President of a United States. I’m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and became-a U.S.-a citizen.”

A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says.

“Ey, Tony, you know who’s-a Abraham Lincoln?”

Tony says, “No, Giuseppi, who’s-a Abraham Lincoln?”

He says, “Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I’m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.”

A guy in the back of the shop yells, “Yo, Giuseppi… you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?”

He says, “No. Who’s-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?”

The guy yells, “That’s the guy who’s bangin’ your wife while you’re in night school.”

________________________

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

“My love,” he wrote “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted?”

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!”

She kissed him and said, “First let’s see you play that harmonica.”

______________________

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull’s-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn’t aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull’s-eyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bull’s-eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. “That’s fantastic”, the man said. “Hasn’t he scored three bulls?”

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.

“Yes, sir!”, he announced to the crowd. “This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!”

“I don’t want any bloody glasses”, the drunk replied. “Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!”

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he being paged by “Lucille”. He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

“She don’t never leave no number, so I can’t call her back,” he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn’t leave a number.

“She leaves her name” was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. “How does she spell her name?” the service rep asked.

“L-O-W C-E-L-L”

_________________

Armando went to his neighbor and asked, “Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?”

“No,” says Carlos.

Armando asks, “Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?”

“No,” says Carlos.

“Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?”

“Caramba! No, amigo!” Carlos replied.

“Then tell me why,” asked Armando, “do you keep screwing my wife?”

___________________

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he’d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he’d finished she paid him and said, “I’m going to make a … well … unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man – sigh – he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I’m a woman and you’re a man…”

The repairman could hardly speak, “Yes yes!”

“And since I’ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door…”

“Yes yes!”

_____________________

“Would you help me move the refrigerator?”

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7” Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure… by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7… did you copy the report from Eastern?”

Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff… and yes, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.”

______________________

An older couple, living apart, had been dating for a number of years. One day Elmer says to Betsy, “We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate foods and cooking separate meals. We should move in together.

Betsy: Whose house would we live in?

Elmer: Mine, it is paid for.

Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?

Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine.

Betsy: Who would do the cooking?

Elmer: You cook and I’ll do the dishes.

Betsy: What about sex?

Elmer: Infrequently.

Betsy: Is that one word or two?

_________________________

It’s graduation day, and everybody’s going to get their diploma but Jon. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts “Let Jon graduate, let Jon graduate!”

The principal agrees to give Jon one last chance. “If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Jon, how many apples do I have?” he asked.

Jon thought long and hard and then said: “Ten.”

And the entire senior class stood up and shouted “Give Jon another chance, give Jon another chance!”

________________________

A guy is walking up to the doctor’s office when a nun comes running out screaming and crying.

The guy walks in and says, “Doc, what’s with the nun?”

The doctor says, “Oh, I just told her she’s pregnant.”

The guy says, “The nun’s pregnant?”

The doctor says, “No. But it certainly cured her hiccups.”

______________________

A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that “If you shoot a deer, don’t let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it… it’s their deer!”

So … he’s in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming…

“It’s your deer lady… It’s your deer… Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!”

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close.

“They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

_________________________

Facts

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet you whistle,” is the phrase inspired by this practice.

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes… when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That’s where the phrase, “good night, sleep tight” came from.

The term “the whole 9 yards” came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific.

When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got “the whole 9 yards.”

____________________________

Wise Words

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Dumb man + smart woman = affair

Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man understands a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

_____________________

Last Rites

The priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”

The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled, “This is great!”

“Will I meet her at a party?” he croaks.

“No,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”

__________________________

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

_________________________

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.

The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.

He queries the first candidate: “What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? “I made $150,000 as an Attorney” comes the reply. “You may enter,” says the Angel.

Second candidate, same question. “I made $95,000, I was a realtor.”

He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man’s turn.

“My annual salary was $8,000.” “Cool!” replies the Angel, “ and what instrument did you play?”

_________________________

Bigamy is having one wife too many.

Monogamy is the same.

-Oscar Wilde

_________________________

BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18.

How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.

BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that’s too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I’d like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You’ve got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don’t kid around here. Of course, I’ll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn’t mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!

Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don’t know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy the paint and then don’t use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That’s right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there’s no point in getting upset; that’s just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don’t, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night.

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I’m going somewhere else to buy my paint.

Clerk: That won’t do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline.

_______________________________

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House

1. If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it’s an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair … but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can … many fine tools are , its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it’s electronic, get a new one … or consult a twelve-year-old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the “on” switch; or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and sharing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don’t succees, redefine success.

11. Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, then it isn’t stupid.

______________________

A Messy Kitchen Is a Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious!

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes.

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Imprssion. He Just Cleaned The Whole House.

If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life.

Help Keep the Kitchen Clean – Eat Out.

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You.

Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives.

My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines.

____________________________

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table … no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested : “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10.00 PM. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETT

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

God and Moses

A Conversation Between Moses and God

(it’s a long one but cure)

“Excuse me, sir”

“Is that you again, Moses?”

“I’m afraid it is, sir.”

“What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?”

“How did you guess?”

“I don’t have to guess, Moses. Remember?”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot.”

“Tell me what you want, Moses.”

“But you already know. Remember?”

“Moses!”

“Sorry, sir.”

“Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!”

“Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me.”

“You mean the commandments, Moses?”

“That’s it. I was wondering if they were important.”

“What do you mean ‘were important, Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn’t have sent them to you.”

“Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that.”

“What do you mean ‘you lost them! Are you trying to tell me you didn’t save them, Moses?”

“No, sir. I forgot.”

“Well, My Son always saves, Moses.”

“Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though.”

“And did you hear back from any of them?”

“You already know I did.”

“What about the one guy who said he never uses ‘shalt not’. Can he change the words a little bit?”

“Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn’t change the meaning.”

“And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?”

“Moses, I’ll act like I didn’t hear that.”

“I think that means, ‘no’. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?”

“I think that is spamming, Moses.”

“Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don’t even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer.”

“And what he did say?”

“You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don’t think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that’s the reason I lost those ten things, do you?”

“They’re called viruses, Moses.”

“Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them.”

“We’ll do it the new way, Moses.”

“I was afraid you would say that, sir.”

“Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?”

“You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer.”

“It’s a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?”

“No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?”

“No, Moses.”

“One other thing. Why didn’t you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn’t you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?”

“I didn’t name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to.”

“Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, hah, sir?

I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn’t it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?”

“Say good night, Moses.”

“Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back.”

“Which ones are they, Moses?”

“Let’s see. ‘Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and ‘Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor’s wife.’

“Turn the computer off, Moses. I’m sending you another set of some tablets. How does ‘Same Day Air’ sound?”

__________________________

Grandpa Cartmell was celebrating his 100^th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

__________________________

The trend towards lower cost Health Maintenance Organization has many Americans worried. Here are the “Top 30 Signs You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO”

1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

2. Use of antibiotics deemed an “unauthorized experimental procedure,”

3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of “War and Peace,”

4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

6. Exam room has a tip jar.

7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

8. “Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?”

9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

10. “Take two leeches and call me in the morning,”

11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow’s doorstep.

14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

15. “Pre-natal vitamin” prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

17. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “take a left when you enter the trailer park,”

18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is “an apple a day.”

20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.

21. Only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

22. Plan covers only “group” gynecological exams.

23. Preprinted prescription pads that say “Walk if off, you sissy.”

24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.

25. Recycled bandages.

26. You can get your flu shot as soon as “the” hypodermic needle is dry.

27. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.

28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK

29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.

30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

____________________________

Home on the Web

(to the tune of “Home on the Range”)

(come on – try it – its fun)

VERSE:

Oh give me a site

Where the links all work right –

One that doesn’t take too long to load –

Where the text can be seen

On my 13-inch screen –

One that offers a “no-Java” mode.

REFRAIN:

Home, home on the Web

On my 486 IBM.

Please take pity on me –

I’m still on Netscape 3

With a 14.4-speed modem!

VERSE:

Though your video files

Give your pages some style

I can’t read them upon my PC;

Massive graphics and sound

Crash my system, I’ve found,

So please put in some “alt” tags for me!

REFRAIN:

Home, home on the Web

On my 486 IBM.

Please take pity on me –

I’m still on Netscape 3

With a 14.4-speed modem!

VERSE:

Please don’t ask me to “chat”

With your favorite cat;

I don’t have an IRC code.

And don’t ask me to buy

Games for Win 95 –

My PC is way too darn old!

REFRAIN:

Home, home on the Web

On my 486 IBM.

Please take pity on me –

I’m still on Netscape 3

With a 14.4-speed modem!

Now wasn’t that fun!!!

_______________________

Deep Thoughts

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.

This is as bad as it can get… but don’t bet on it.

There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.

The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

The other line always moves faster… until you get in it.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything good.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

The more you run over a dead car, the flatter it gets.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Do unto others.

_____________________________

Fuzzy Logic

OPTIONAL ACCESSORY II: “Normally accidents like this shouldn’t happen,” reasoned a Caputh, Germany, police spokesman. A motorist following driving instructions on the satellite navigation computer in his BMW drove down a ferry ramp into the Havel River, he said, without realizing the only way he could cross the river was to wait for the ferry. The 57-year-old driver was not injured. “This sort of thing can happen when people rely too much on technology,” the police spokesman said. (Reuters) …Leading to a required label, “Warning: User still must watch out window when driving.”

_______________________

The Flag

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class on encyclopedia page picturing several national flags.

She pointed to the America flag and asked, “What flag is this?”

A little girl called out, “That’s the flag of our country.”

“Very good,” the teacher said. “And what is the name of our country?”

“Tis of thee,” the girl said confidently.

______________________

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room where, much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t quit it.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn’t close a large suitcase. The groom said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.”

That didn’t work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, “Sweetheart, you get on top and I’ll try.” Still no success.

Then he said, “Look. Let’s both get on top and try.”

At that point, the parrot yanked away the towel and said, “Zoo or no zoo. This … I gotta see!!”

_________________________

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers.

However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being… a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another:

“The odds are good, but the goods are odd.”

_________________________

A spiritualist who’d recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she’d just received a message from her dead husband – asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

“The only thing is,” she mused, “that I don’t know where to send them.”

“Why not?” asked her friend.

“Well, he didn’t actually say that he was in Heaven – but I can’t imagine he’d be in Hell.”

“Hm,” responded the friend. “Well, maybe I shouldn’t bring this up, but… he didn’t mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?”

__________________________

A lady writes:

We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, ”You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.”

__________________________

There’s this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note: “Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.”

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: “Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will really look the part.”

Now the man is really annoyed, since they have gone from emphasizing his wooded leg to emphasizing his bald head, and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads; “Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!”

____________________________

Lots of things go on during “spring break” as the college students let off a little steam. This one student was arrested for indecent exposure in a field near the beach, and was appearing before a judge. “I plead not guilty, Your Honor. I only went there to get relieved,” he testified.

“Well, I’m inclined to accept your explanation,” said the judge. “I guess some allowances must be made for ‘emergencies’.”

“That’s true to a point, Your Honor,” said the arresting officer. “But what about this young lady here who relieved him?”

_________________________________

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:

“Mary had a little lamb,

Whose fleece was white as snow

And everywhere that Mary went,

The lamb was sure to go.”

She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from “the lamb was sure to go” to “the lamb went with her.”

A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose, Johnny raised his hand and said,

“Mary had a little pig –

An ornery little run.

He stuck his nose in Mary’s Clothes

And smelled her little…”

He stopped, turned to the teacher and asked, “Do you want poetry or prose?”

“Prose!” the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, “… Asshole.”

_________________________

“This is a true story from an Amoco Christmas party in Australia last year.”

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a practical joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else.

When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his lottery Ticket. Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.

The waitress came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night’s Lotto numbers. She proceeded to read the numbers (the boss’s numbers) out loud before setting the numbers on the table.

The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his from his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again, and checked the numbers, very carefully.

Then he downed his drink, stood up on his chair, and shouted out to the whole room, “I just want to let you all know something. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary for months.

“I don’t like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, cause I’ve just won loads of money, and I’m leaving.”

He walked out of the party and was never seen again.

___________________________

Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, “I’ll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio.”

“Why, that’s right!” said the second man in surprise.

“And I’ll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old.”

“Right again. But how’d you –“

“And I’ll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman.”

“Well, yes, but how did you know?” asked the second man in amazement.

“Well, old Doc always cut them at a 60-degree angle,” explained the first guy, “and you’re pissing on my shoe.”

___________________________

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car. “The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”

Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!” The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?”

Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago”.

“Great,” replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?!”

Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”

____________________________

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. “Please, you have to come right over,” pleaded the distraught young mother. “My child has swallowed a contraceptive.”

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

“You don’t have to come over after all, “ the woman said with a sigh of relief: “My husband just found another one.

___________________________

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”

______________________

Judi went to Sherry’s place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home.

Sherry asked, “Well, what happened when you got there?”

Judi said, “After sex the S.O.B. called me a slut!”

“What did you do then?” Sherry asked, somewhat shocked.

Judi said “I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and take his eight friends with him!”

______________________

The Lifesaver

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. “Hey bartender” said the Engineer, “I’ll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there.” The bartender responded, “I’m sorry sir but that guy’s a commie and we don’t serve his kind around here.”

“Well, you’d better because if it weren’t for that guy, I wouldn’t be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don’t believe me, look at the top of his head and you’ll see that it’s flat from holding the roof up.” The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: “I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn’t help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?” the Engineer responded: “Oh… that’s where we put the jack.”

_____________________

A Quick Round

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, “let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.” Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8^th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9^th.

“Help me find my ball, you look over there,” he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?”

“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”

“And a liar, too!!!” Sid says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”

_________________________

“Genie in the lamp”

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes, So you can forget about three. You only get one wish.”

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?” The genie laughed and replied, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete… How much steel!!!! No think of another wish.”

The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment. To know why they are crying. To know what they want when they say “nothing”…”

The gene replies “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

__________________________

WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A GUY

-When clicking through the channels you don’t have to stop on every shot of someone crying

-You don’t have to lug a bag of “necessary” items with you everywhere you go

-You can go to the bathroom alone

-Your last name stays put

-You can leave a hotel room bed unmade

-You can kill your own food

- Chocolate is just another snack

-You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat

-You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking “He must be mad at me”

-One mood, all the time

-You don’t give a flip if someone doesn’t notice your new haircut

-You never have to worry about other’s feelings

_______________________________

THE GREAT MEMORY DEBATE

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, “I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.”

Second guy says, “I can remember my first day at Nursery School!”

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, “Hell, that’s nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother.”

_________________________

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20^th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

The redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.

The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral the Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!

The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me” she said. “He makes his own lunch.”

__________________________

THE CESSNA

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

_________________________

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

The kid says, “Yeah.”

The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.”

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”

The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the ass on the back of the horse, instead of on top.”

_________________________

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.

Once local man has put on his best suit and he’s sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn’t smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man.

He can’t believe it, then it hits him. The pope won’t talk to him, he’s concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.

Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says “I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!”

_______________________

If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer!

If you messed up your life, you could press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you loose your car keys, click on find.

“Help” with the chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldn’t be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on “SEND NOW” and a Pizza would be on its way to YOU…

__________________________

The Traveler

By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken.

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded.

“Or just a bed – I don’t care where.’

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired traveler assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time” said Willard.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” Willard explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, cutie,’ and he sat bolt upright all night watching me like a hawk.”

_______________________

The Photographer

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I am going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

_______________________

Pearly Gates

Hillary is waiting at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes up and says, “I know you were somebody down on Earth, but you are just like everyone else up here, so you will have to wait your turn.

Hillary takes a seat and notices this wall covered with clocks. She also notices that every now and then, different clock jumps 15 minutes ahead of time.

When St. Peter returns, Hillary says, “What’s with all the clocks?”

St. Peter replies, “Well, each clock represents a man back on Earth.”

Hilary asks, “Why is it that some of the clocks skip ahead 15 minutes?”

“Every time a clock skips, that means that a man has committed adultery,” answers St. Peter.

“Which one is my husband’s clock?” inquires Hillary.

“God has that one in his office,” answers St. Peter. “He uses it as a fan.”

_____________________

Unbreakable

A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye under the banner “UNBREAKABLE”. However, it has no price marked.

“Pardon me,” he says to the shopkeeper, “but what is the price on this piece marked “unbreakable”?

“One hundred thousand dollars,” replies the storekeeper.

Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high.

“Like the sign says, it’s unbreakable!”

To be sure, the man asked again if this item was indeed unbreakable.

The owner again assured him it was so.

The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy the piece and see for himself that it would not break.

The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case. He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces he’d seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the “UNBREAKABLE” banner.

“Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too – it only costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!”

“No, it’s one hundred thousand dollars – it’s unbreakable, now, too,” the storekeeper replied.

“How can you be so sure?” he demands.

“Because the schmuck who pays 100 bills for that thing is going to take as much care with “it” as you did with yours!”

___________________

Hit or Miss

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the club-house. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man-you don’t stand a chance of hitting her from here!”

__________________

Lemons

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, yes!” she replied.

“I’ve been divorced three times.”

__________________________________

Email Mixup

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher’s wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.

It read, “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!”

_____________________________

Brain Transplant

The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. “Things don’t look good.” The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.”

“Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the relvatives.

“For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.”

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, “Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?”

“A standard pricing practice,” said the head of the team.

“Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used.”

______________________________

Final Exam

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. “I want to say that it’s been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you’ve all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a “B” for the course.”

There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer.

As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, “Any one else? This is your last chance.” One final student rose up and took the offer.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining.

“I’m glad to see you believe in yourself,” he said. “You all have “A”s.”

___________________________

Animal Crackers

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

“What are you doing?” his mother asked.

“You can’t eat them if the seal is broken” the boy explained, “I’m looking for the seal.”

_________________________

Modem Times – Maxims for the Internet Age

1. ‘Ome is where you ‘ang your@

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. The http://www.joker.org is on you.

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

__________________________

On one BAD day,

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992. Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protectors were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.

_____________________________

Dealing with AT&T

Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T…

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T…

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Line?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Line?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today Mr. Line.

Me: Well whatever it is, I’m really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something. I don’t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying, “I’m really not interested”, but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Line we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that’s right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That’s right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That’s quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it’s amazing how it ads up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but……

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir I don’t think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Line. Please hold on.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Line?

Me: Yeah?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth &Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation.

Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Line, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…

AT&T: (click)

___________________________

Princess Ryubet

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. ‘Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.’ The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.

The frog starts shouting, ‘Hey! Didn’t you hear me? I’m a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.’ The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.

The frog is really frustrated. ‘I don’t get it. Why won’t you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.’

The guy says, ‘Look, I’m a computer geek. I don’t have time for girls.

But a talking frog is cool!’

____________________________

During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success.

He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement.

He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears.

Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, “But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed”.

Exasperated, the Pope answered, “Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments.”

_____________________________

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

___________________________

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, “Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it’s the nectar of the gods.

Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world.

“On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”

_______________________

True story:

Tech Support: “What does the screen say now.”

Person: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”

Tech Support: “Well?”

Person: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

_______________________

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking though the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.

“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and an extra thousand for the story behind it.”

“At that price, you can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the bronze rat.”

The transaction complete, the tourist leave the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars… following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. “Ah, sir, you’ve come back for the story,” says the owner.

“No,” says the tourist, “I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer”

_________________________

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

_________________________

Facts

The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the “General Purpose” vehicle, GP

The first toilet ever seen on television was on “Leave It To Beaver.”

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to1.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

BE CAREFUL!

______________________

Lumberjack

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks’ door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

“Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door. “I cut the tree down,” said the man.

The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “ Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.

“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, “Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!”

__________________

SPEAK

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, “What’s the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?”

The dog answers “ROOF”. The bartender says, “Who are you kidding? I’m not paying.”

The dogs owner says, “How about double or nothing and I’ll ask him something else.” The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?”

The dog answers with a muffled “RUTH.” With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, “DiMaggio?”

_____________________

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said one.

“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”

“Sounds good to me,” said the first lady.

But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.

“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the king’s court.

“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon. “That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.”

_______________________

After hearing that one of patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office.

“Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”

“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. James replied. “I hung him up to dry.”

____________________

Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz?

You don’t really have to be 50 or over to know these, but it might help!

1. Name the Beatles, first and last names.

2. Finish this line: “Lions, and tigers, and bears…” (2 words)

3. “Hey kids, what time is it?” (4 words)

4. What do M&Ms do?

5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?

6. Before he was Mohammed All, before he was The Greatest, we knew him as … (2 words)

7. “You’ll wonder where the yellow went,…” (7 words)

8. Before he was the Skipper’s little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie’s best friend, … (First and last names, and middle initial)

9. “M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y …” (5 words)

10. A ‘streaker’ is someone who might run across campus wearing what?

11. “Brylcream:…” (6 words)

12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone… (2 words)

13. “I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who…” (6 words)

14. “War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? …” (2 words)

15. Where have all the flowers gone?

16. Superman, “disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for truth, justice, and…” (3 words)

17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the greatest QB’s in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial wearing women’s pantyhose? Extra credit if you know his nickname!

18. “I’m Popeye the sailor man! I’m Popeye the sailor man! I’m strong to the finish…” (5 words)

19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators?

20. In “The Graduate,” Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised about his future and told to consider one thing. What?

21. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor, announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, “Just think, you don’t have … to kick around any more.” (2 words) And he lied!

22. “Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive/ He stood six foot six, weighed 245/ Kinda broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip/ And everybody knew you didn’t give no lip to …” (2 words)

23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)

24. “Good night, Mrs. Calabash, … “ (3 words)

25. “Good night, Chet. …” (3 words)

26. “Liar, liar, …” (3 words) And it’s not a Jim Carrey movie!

27. “When it’s least expected, you’re elected. You’re the star today! Smile! …” (4 words)

28. Who put the bop in the bop she-bop she-bop? (Socratic answer required.)

Here we go …….. (scroll down for the answers)

1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney (Sir), George Harrison, Ringo Starr (Richard Starkey)

2. Oh, my!

3. It’s Howdy Doody Time!

4. melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

5. Wonder bread

6. Casius Clay

7. “when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent”

8. Maynard G. Crebbs

9. “… why, because we like you”

10. nothing but a smile!

11. “a little dab will do ya”

12. over 30!

13. “… who wrote the book of love”

14. “absolutely nothing!”

15. “long time passing”

16. “the American way”

17. “Joe nameth” aka “Braodway Joe” aka “Joe Willie”

18. “…’cause I eats me spinach”

19. Mary Martin

20. “Plastic”

21. Dick Nixon

22. “Big John”

23. on blueberry hill

24. “…wherever you are”

25. “Good night, David”

26. “… pants on fire”

27. “You’re on Candid Camera”

28. “Who put the ram in the ram-a-lamb-a-ding dong”

__________________________

“Intelligence may be artificial, but stupidity is real.”

______________________

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

2. When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual?

3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you may grow out of?

4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

5. Do your parents know you are straight? Do your friends and/or roommates know?

6. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

7. Why do heterosexuals put so much emphasis on sex?

8.Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to introduce others to their lifestyle?

9. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it wise to expose children to heterosexual teachers?

10. Just what do men and women do in bed together?

11. Bearing in mind the current divorce rate, why are there so few stable relationships between heterosexuals?

12. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

13. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered aversion therapy?

14. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face?

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

A lawyer addresses an all male jury: “Gentlemen, shall we cast this beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a prison, or shall we return her to her Oceanside beach condo, Ocean City, telephone Number 555-4531?”

______________________

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, “I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.”

The banker said, “Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him.”

The old adage that “It takes a thief to catch a thief” may indeed be true. But these days there’s a 3^rd thief involved pleading the case – the lawyer.

________________________

Listening Passively

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?” The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “Wow! What happened then?” they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, “She said, “Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.”

____________________

Professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

______________________

Deep Thoughts

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.

That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.

No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with.

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?”

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

_____________________

Who’s Cheating?

“That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

“How do you know?” the friend asked.

“She didn’t come home last night and when I asked her where she’d been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”

“So?”

“So she’s a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”

_______________________

As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a ckeck-out system only only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school’s long time Custodian, “Do you think it’s wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?”

The Custodian looked at him gravely. “We trust them with the children, don’t we?”

______________________

“It’s time to see how clearly you can think,” the teacher said to his class. “Now, listen carefully, and think about what I’m saying. I’m thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But this person is not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?”

The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with the right answer.

When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, “The person is me.”

Little Jeffery beamed at learning the answer. “That’s a good one,” he said to himself. “I’ll have to try that on Mom and Dad.”

At dinner that night, little Jeffery repeated the riddle to his parents. “I’m thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have,” he said. “But this person isn’t my brother and isn’t my sister. Who is it?”

His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said, “I give up. Who is it?”

“It’s my teacher!” Jeffery said.

______________________

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as “She” or “Her”. But was unsure what was proper for computers.

To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to as “HE” because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.

The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as “SHE” because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic.

2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

___________________________

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, you moron!”

The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.

“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.

Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!”

__________________________

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, “You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.” So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, “I have some special sandals think you’d be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.”

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?”

The Pakistani man replied, “Just try them on.”

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn’t seen in many years – raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed … the “Pakistani man”, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy’s pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming;

___________________________

“YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!”

Famous Quotes about Drinking

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk.

That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. – Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. – Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. – Plato

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.

-Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. – His reply

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

-Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

-Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer,

I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. – Deep Thought, Jack Handy

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

-Humphrey Bogart

I drink to make other people interesting. – George Jean Nathan

An intelligent man is something forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. – For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You’re not drink if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

-Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.

-Homer Simpson

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing; either the car is new or the wife is.

By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect “Hungry.”

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole in the head.

If the tobacco and gun industries can be held liable for product abusers, why can’t parents be held responsible for the actions of their children?

A wife is that wonderful woman who stands by her husband through all the trouble he wouldn’t have had to face if he would have only stayed single in the first place.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I sued to … until she got an unlisted number.

Have y’all heard about the new Texas bra to be on the market soon?

According to the manufacturer, it “rounds ‘em up and heads ‘em out.”

Two fat blokes are in a pub. One says to the other, “Your round.”

The other one says, “So are you, you fat bastard.”

When the media does it, it’s called “news coverage.” When an individual does it, it’s called “stalking.”

Personally, I think if all the women’s libbers in the world were laid end to end, that would be the best thing that could happen to them.

__________________________

A London bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;

“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one-a-more time ah.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” explodes the lady indignantly. In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down your panties lady!!,” said the man.

“Imma justellun my frienda howa to spella Mississippi.”

СОДЕРЖАНИЕ

От автора………………………………………………………………………..3

ОБЩИЕ ВОПРОСЫ ПЕРЕВОДА

1. Введение……………………………………………………………………..7

2. Особенности английского научно-технического и общественно-политического текста………………………………………………………….14

Характер научно-технического текста………………………………………14

Научно-техническая терминология………………………………………….15

Особенности перевода научно-технического текста……………………….20

Общественно-политический текст…………………………………………….23

Газетные заголовки…………………………………………………………….26

3. Американизмы………………………………………………………………32

Грамматика…………………………………………………………………….33

Лексика………………………………………………………………………….35

4. Транскрипция английских собственных имен…………………………….36

Некоторые буквенные соответствия английским звукам……………………39

Общие указания………………………………………………………………..41

5. Ритмика и фразовое ударение………………………………………………43

Ритмика…………………………………………………………………………43

Фразовое ударение…………………………………………………………….46

ГРАММАТИЧЕСКИЕ ВОПРОСЫ ПЕРЕВОДА

1. Пассивная форма (Страдательные залог)…………………………………51

2. Безличные и неопределенно-личные предложения………………………59

Формальное подлежащее it……………………………………………………59

Эмфатический оборот с формальным подлежащим it………………………60

Неопределенные подлежащие one, they………………………………………61

3. Модальность…………………………………………………………………63

4. Неличные формы глагола………………………………………………….70

Сопоставление форм с окончанием на –ing………………………………….70

Герундий и отглагольное существительное…………………………………71

Отглагольное существительное……………………………………………….76

Герундий и причастие настоящего времени…………………………………78

Причастие I (Present Participle)………………………………………………..79

Причастие II (Past Participle)…………………………………………………..86

Инфинитив………………………………………………………………………93

Глагольные свойства инфинитива……………………………………………93

5. Заместители существительного…………………………………………..105

ЛЕКСИЧЕСКИЕ ВОПРОСЫ ПЕРЕВОДА

1. Фразеология………………………………………………………………..111

Фразеологические сочетания………………………………………………..112

Фразеологические единства…………………………………………………113

Фразеологические сращения (идиомы)…………………………………….115

2. Неологизмы………………………………………………………………..129

3. Выбор лексического варианта……………………………………………142

4. Многофункциональные служебные слова……………………………….153

5. Изменение значения слов………………………………………………….172

6. Предложные обороты……………………………………………………..183

7. Союзные обороты………………………………………………………….193

8. Адвербиальные обороты………………………………………………….203

9. Сокращения…………………………………………………………………212

Буквенные сокращения………………………………………………………212

Слоговые сокращения……………………………………………………….214

Усеченные слова………………………………………………………………214

ТЕХНИКА ПЕРЕВОДА

1. Техника работы со словарем…………………………………………….229

Расположение слов в словаре……………………………………………….229

Как отыскивать слова………………………………………………………..231

2. Анализ и перевод простого предложения………………………………248

Структура предложения…………………………………………………….248

Порядок слов повествовательного предложения…………………………249

Признаки группы сказуемого………………………………………………251

Признаки группы подлежащего……………………………………………252

Признаки группы дополнения…………………………………………….253

Признаки группы обстоятельства………………………………………….254

Определение значения слов по словарю……………………………………255

Атрибутивное употребление существительных……………………………259

Инверсия………………………………………………………………………260

3. Анализ и перевод сложного предложения………………………………273

Простое предложение………………………………………………………..273

Сложное предложение……………………………………………………….274

Анализ сложного предложения…………………………………………….276

Шесть случаев замены развернутых придаточных предложений……….279

4. Советы переводчику………………………………………………………294

Памятка переводчику………………………………………………………..294

Перевод глаголов to have и to be…………………………………………..295

Притяжательные местоимения……………………………………………….297

Объем значения слова…………………………………………………………298

Синтаксические замены………………………………………………………298

Оборот there is………………………………………………………………..299

Особенности некоторых слов………………………………………………..299

ПРАКТИКА ПЕРЕВОДА

1. Практика анализа и перевода предложения…………………………….315

Образцы работы над предложением……………………………………….315

Предложения для самостоятельного анализа и перевода…………………319

2. Упражнения на грамматические и лексические трудности……………325

Указатель упражнений………………………………………………………325

3. Более сложные отрывки текста для перевода…………………………..338

4. Практика литературной обработки перевода связных текстов………341

Некоторые справочные материалы

1. Список слов, близких по написанию, но различных по значению…..352

2. Список слов, сходных по форме с русскими словами, но отличающихся по значению («ложные друзья переводчика»)……………………………..354

3. Список-минимум сокращений………………………………………….355

4. Пунктуация……………………………………………………………….358

Список литературы…………………………………………………………..361

Практикум…………………………………………………………………….365

Appendix 1……………………………………………………………………..492

Appendix 2……………………………………………………………………..533

Appendix 3…………………………………………………………………….576

Учебное издание

Клименко Андрей Владимирович