- •Оглавление
- •От автора
- •Предисловие
- •Соль книги – Контексты
- •If they can put a man on the moon,
- •It is forbidden for a lady to eat chocolates on public transport (Stupid law of England).
- •It is unlawful to drag a dead horse down Yonge Street (Toronto) on a Sunday (Stupid law of Canada).
- •Illiterates don’t have to read this.
- •It is not legal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of Commons wearing a full suit of armour
- •Irs agents never quit. They just don’t do anything too taxing anymore.
- •If sex is a pain in the ass you’re doing it wrong.
- •It is against the law to frown' at a police officer
- •It is a crime to delay or detain a homing pigeon
- •I have 75 balls and drive women crazy. I am best known as Bingo!
- •I’d give my left arm to be ambidextrous.
- •It is a crime to wear a mask in public
- •It is a crime for an owner of a pig to call him swine or 'Napoleon' (Stupid law of France).
- •If a man is caught kissing a woman in public the death penalty may be enforced (Stupid law of Greece).
- •It is illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas (Stupid law of Arkansas us).
- •Vampires are a pain in the neck.
- •In one Dutch region it is a crime to breach the dykes of a river, even though the region has no rivers (Stupid law of Holland).
- •I am too jung to see a psychologist.
- •It's a crime to set up a mousetrap without a hunting license
- •If someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your commode, you are obliged by law to allow them entry (Stupid law of Scotland).
- •If the opposite of pro is con, then what is the opposite of progress?
- •It is an offence to possess a hippopotamus
- •I looked in my wallet this morning and realized some Drunk spent all my money Last Night!
- •I bet you I could stop gambling.
- •I’ve been faithful to my girlfriend several times.
- •It is considered an offence to shower naked
- •I haven’t had sex for so long I think I’m a virgin again.
- •I avoid all relationships. A “relationship” is when you’re screwing your cousin.
- •I’ll never forget the night I got so drunk I couldn’t remember anything.
- •If a sheep is a ram, and a donkey is an ass, how come a ram in the ass is a goose?
- •It is against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp in Atlanta (Stupid law of Florida us).
- •Important discovery just in from the Psychology Department: The majority of accidents are caused accidentally.
- •It is against the law to speak English
- •It is considered an offence if a woman appears in public unless she is accompanied by a male relative or guardian.
- •It is illegal to whisper dirty things in lover's ear during sex (Stupid law of Oregon us).
- •I am an optimist. I think women are bad.
- •I wish I could drink like a man. I can take one or two. Three puts me under the table. And four puts me under the host.
- •Virginity is like a balloon – all it takes is one prick and it’s gone.
- •I was ruined twice. When I got married and when I got divorced.
- •It is illegal for a monkey to smoke cigarettes
- •It is illegal for over 16 women to occupy a house together because that constitutes a brothel ... However up to 120 men can live together without breaking the law.
- •It is illegal to utter profanities when talking about country music singer Loretta Lynn (Stupid law of Kentucky us).
- •In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes (Stupid law of Pennsylvania us).
- •Приложение I Неофициальные названия языков, штатов, городов, стран и жителей этих стран и городов
- •Приложение II numerals and how they function
- •In modern english
- •Thousand
- •In two minds about something
- •In two shakes of a lamb's tail
- •Приложение III
- •A visit to the language zoo.
- •Goose – гусь
- •Fish – рыба
- •It’s better to be a small fish in a big pond than to be a big fish in a small pond.
- •It’s time to fish or cut bait – (дословно: или ловить рыбу, или снять с крючка наживку), «сматывать удочки» в виду отсутствия клева или бесполезности предприятия, время принимать решение.
- •Bird – птица
- •Wolf – волк
- •Butterfly – бабочка
- •Lion – лев
- •Crow – ворона
- •Duck – утка
- •Vixen – лиса (самка)
- •Rat fink.
- •Vulture – гриф
- •Varmint – вредное животное
- •Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed eager beavers.
- •Приложение IV-бонус! Занимательные и широко употребительные выражения повседневного английского языка, граффити, каламбуры, заголовки, опечатки, рекламные ляпы и многие другие казусы
- •Продолжение весёлого бонуса! From the Mouths of Babes
- •Losing the Human Race
- •Science Friction
- •Stop the Music!
- •Pullet Surprising Literature¹
- •Poly-Tickle Speeches
- •A Guide to Sportspeak
- •Blessed Bloopers
- •Gavel to Gabble
- •Premedicated Humor
- •Laugh Insurance
- •Signs of Trouble
- •New and used antiques Come in We are closed
- •In case of enemy attack
- •Headline Headaches
- •Study: those without insurance die more often
- •Banner Boners
- •Partial jury chosen for tyson case
- •How to combat that feeling of helplessness with illegal drugs Galley Oops!
- •Brand New Bloopers
- •Mrs. Malaprop Lives!
- •A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
- •Closed for official opening.
- •Under a Spell
- •Back to Grammar School
- •Those Dang(ling) Modifiers
- •Самые смешные граффити!
- •I like my job. It's the work I don't like.
- •It's the little things that count.
- •I lost my job, my wife and my Mercedes.
- •I sure miss that Mercedes.
- •Веселые истории, шутки, заголовки, опечатки и слоганы.
- •It’s cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
- •It hangs around after the man leaves and gives the woman a hug.
- •It’s not a big deal unless you’re not getting any.
- •It has 14 gears. Thirteen go in reverse and one forward, in case the enemy attacks from behind.
- •Men vs women jokes
- •Vive la difference
- •I need some space
- •Art and literature
- •Art and literature: batty books
- •Art and literature: World’s shortest books
- •Chat-up Lines
- •Chat-up Lines: extra cheesy
- •Dyslexia
- •Education
- •Education: absentees
- •Education: college
- •Education: dumb exam answers
- •Шутливый медицинский словарь
- •А теперь лингвистический десерт !!! language and linguistics: Etymological conundra
- •Is there another word for synonym?
- •Тематический указатель политика. Государство и власть
- •Бизнес. Экономика и финансы
- •Наука и техника. Образование
- •Сми и пиар
- •Человек
- •Литература и искусство
- •Географические названия
- •Персоналии
- •Ключевые слова "трудных" контекстов
- •Вопрос 799, 832, 881
I lost my job, my wife and my Mercedes.
I sure miss that Mercedes.
Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
HISTORIC SITE UNDER
CONSTRUCTION
We should hang all the extremists!
OSCAR WAS BORN TO BE WILDE.
EXAMPLES RULE, E.G.
Don't complain about the beer in this bar.
You'll be old and weak yourself some day.
A socialist is someone who has nothing and wants
to share it with everyone else.
Am I ignorant or apathetic?
I don't know and I don't care.
Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
I like to reminisce about the things I haven't done.
Obesity in the U.S. is really widespread.
ARISTOCRATS ARE BUMS
WITH MONEY.
Fucque Ewe
If you like games of chance, try marriage.
I can't stand intolerance.
Bring back the future now.
I’m not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
All generalizations are dangerous – even this one.
The gene pool use a little chlorine.
Join Alcoholics Alias instead of AA and continue
drinking without anyone knowing.
I’d give my left arm to be ambidextrous.
If you catch yourself arguing with an idiot,
he's doing the same thing.
CUPIDITY+STUPIDITY = MARRIAGE
(added) Marriage is good for hookers. It provides
them with 90% of their business.
All the world's a stage full of bad actors.
Dancing Is The Perpendicular Expression
Of A Horizontal Desire.
Always be late! You will be in a better mood than
those you keep waiting!
SKINHEADS HAVE MORE HAIR
THAN BRAINS.
Arrange the following words into a
well-known phrase or saying:
OFF PISS
Badd Spelers Roule, Okay
Fishermen are Reel Men.
Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.
Love makes the world go around – along with
other stupid cliches.
The media should get the facts straight before they
distort them.
Old golfers never die. They just lose their balls.
Most librarians are novel lovers.
Not enough is being done for the apathetic.
(added) WHO CARES?
MIKE TYSON RULES, KO.
Help keep this country green; plant marijuana.
CRE8TYT RULES, OK.
Teenagers don't need your love. We need your $ $.
Веселые истории, шутки, заголовки, опечатки и слоганы.
A boy goes to the Jobcentre and says,
“I’d like to work in a bowling alley.”
“Ten pin? Says the man behind the desk.” (temping).
“No, permanent,” says the boy.
***
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It’s cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
***
Johnny was in class when the teacher farted.
Embarrassed, she said, “Johnny, stop that!”
To which Johnny replied,
“Which way did it go, Miss?”
***
What did the sign on the brothel door say?
We’re closed. Beat it!
***
What’s the difference between a mechanic
and a herd elephants?
The mechanic charges more.
***
Why is Tottenham Hotspur a bit like Kim Wilde?
Glamorous in the Eighties, but not so nice to
watch now.
***
How did Tarzan end up dying?
Picking cherries.
***
Why do gorillas have red balls?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
***
What’s round and snarling?
A vicious circle.
***
Why don’t men fake orgasms?
Because no man would pull those faces on purpose.
***
How do you get 500 cows in a barn?
Put up a sign saying “Bingo”.
***
Why did Frosty the Snowman get excited?
He heard the snowblower coming.
***
What’s the difference between worry and panic?
About 28 days.
***
What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
Nachocheese (not your cheese).
***
How are politicians like nappies?
You have to change them frequently, and for the same reason.
***
What do the lnland Revenue, an ostrich and a pelican all have in common?
They can all stick their bills up their arses.
***
What’s the definition of a happy transvestite?
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
***
Hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He’s sticking it out for a while longer.
***
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condom?