1. Perhaps the most cruel tragedy in the death yesterday of Caleb Witherspoon is that had it happened a few minutes later, he might still be alive.

2. Sign on the men's room door at the offices of the Detroit School Board: Please keep the door closed when coming in or going out.

3. Instructions on a paper-towel dispenser: Pull down. Tear up.

4. A Denver TV channel offered this sage advice: "Don't go into darkened parking lots unless they are well lighted."

5. The dead live in the cemetery.

6. We're launching a new innovation for the first time.

7. After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of Arthur Harrison to the post.

8. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

9. Closed for official opening.

10. Wood doesn't grow on trees, you know.

11. You gotta remember-nobody's human.

12. Display ad for a monster movie: Due to the horrifying nature of this film, no one will be admitted to the theater.

13. Label found on the bottom of a wind-up kitchen timer: Do not place on or near heat-producing appliances.

14. Inscription on a bathroom scale: Permanently Adjusted.

15. Law office advertisement: Permanent Injuries Last a Lifetime.

16. At a health center: Prescriptions required the follow­ing day must be handed in the day before

17. Mr. Carver will remain Director or" the Company throughout the end of the fiscal year, except in the event of his death, in which case he will no longer he Director at the Company.

18. Killing an animal while it is still alive is unacceptable.

19. There is a fundamental difference between male and female homosexuality, which is that the former concerns men and the second women.

20. Standing at the casket of her husband, who was man­gled in a car wreck, a grieving widow said, "Oh, Cod, he'd die if he knew he looked like that!"

21. The most important thing in acting is, honesty. Once you've learned to fake it, you're in.

22. A mother warned her son: ’’lf you climb that tree and fall out, don't come running to me!"

23. 2l% of girls left because they had become a mother, as did 8% of the boys.

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Under a Spell

Mark Twain once wrote, "1 don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothing alike and cook all dishes alike.

Sameness is tiresome, variety is pleasure. Kow spelled with a large K is just as good as with a small c. It is better. It gives the imagination a broader field, a wider scope."

Andrew Jackson, who may have been our only illiterate president, once thundered, "It's a damn small mind that can think of only one way to spell a word!"

Twain and Jackson would be delighted with the creativity and broad-mindedness shown in the misspellings that follow. They certainly fill the imagination with all sorts of original images. As a famous bumper sticker proclaims, BAD SPELLERS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!

1. Meanwhile, Richard Parker Bowles, brother of Camil­la's ex-husband, Andrew, said that from the beginning Camilla approved of Charles's marrying Diana while she remained his power mower (paramour).

2. Microsoft Word advertisement: You'll get a grammer checker and a spelling checker.

3. Need to be a better reader? John Atkinson is available as a reading tudor (tutor).

4. Congratulations to all 1st graders who participated in the annual Spelling Be (Spelling Bee).

5. Congradulations to our school's champion spelers.

6. Say "yes" to eduction (education).

7. for sale. Two-story 1500 sq. ft. on 2 acres with privacy fencing along road frontage. On hill with beautiful view of damned creek below property (dammed).

8. No smoking aloud (allowed).

9. The prisoner was sent to solitaire confinement (solitary).

10. An inspired Illinois team yesterday reached the pinochle of success (pinnacle).

11. Taped to a cash register in a convenience store:

No Checks Excepted! (accepted!)

No Acceptions! (exceptions)

12. She arrived at the castle and spent the knight (night).

13. He was a short, fat, semi-balled man(-bald).

14. Mrs. Travis unveiled a plague in memory. of her live husband (plaque).

15. Escapee captured after 10 days on the lamb (lam).

16. He killed the men with his bear hands (bare).

17. She slipped into a comma on Thursday (coma).

18. Church Bizarre Sale. Refreshments. Saturday, June 24. 9 a.m. (bazaar).

19. He went to the carnival and rode on the fairest wheel (Ferris wheel).

20. The weather was wonderful and the little boy did summer salts (sommersaults).

21. Divorce has become so common that we take it with a grain assault (grain of salt).

22. A story in a Florida newspaper quoted a minister as saying, "God told me to hold my piece” (peace).

23. I stood on the beach as the serf blew in my face (surf).

24. He was arrested for evading an officer and for wreckless driving (reckless).

25. Insanity is a problem of considerable dementions (dimensions).

26. They unleashed the attack dogs that go for the juggler (jugular).

27. Bracelets $8.00

Neckless $10.00 (necklace).

28. While the car is a wreck, its occupants can be truly grateful that they escaped with their lives. The tree is badly scared (reck; scarred).

29. The woman's basketball team earned a birth in the finals (berth).

30. Platonic love is where you first love a single woman. Then you come to love women as a hole (whole).

31. It's better to slow down then get a ticket.

32. A flaming desert complimented the dinner (dessert).

33. No dumping aloud (allowed).

34. It’s best to heed the advice of the United Press international Stylebook: “A burro is an ass. A burrow is a hole in the ground. As a writer, you are expected to know the difference.”