Laughing at fbi?
Bulls Eye
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.
"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"
"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
An fbi investigation
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbor’s house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?" "Yep." "Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep." "Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
В шутках, которые вы прочитаете ниже, обыгрывается следующая ситуация:
Террористические акты в США не были ни внезапными, ни непредсказуемыми. О планах "Аль-Каеды", как выяснилось, не знал только ленивый. Этим ленивым оказался президент США, которому то ли не решились доложить о готовящихся атаках, то ли подали невнятно составленную докладную записку (печально известную memo). Теперь советники оправдывают бездействие администрации неконкретностью угроз и невозможностью предотвратить подобные действия в принципе.
Конец формы
Данные об активизации террористов, планирующих теракты на территории США, стали появляться с завидной регулярностью еще во время расследования взрыва в Центре международной торговли в США, совершенного в 1993 году.
Перечислим лишь некоторые из этих докладов:
В 1995 году ФБР было предупреждено о возможных терактах в Нью-Йорке и Вашингтоне;
в 1998 году ЦРУ доложило Клинтону о возможных терактах в Нью-Йорке и Вашингтоне;
в 1999 году ЦРУ вновь предупреждало об атаках на Пентагон и Белый дом;
в 2001 году агент ФБР послал доклад: люди бен Ладена обучаются в летных школах в Фениксе, они планируют захватить самолеты и направить их на объекты в Нью-Йорке и Вашингтоне;
10 сентября 2001 года, за день до терактов, доклад об "Аль-Каиде" лег на стол Джорджу Бушу.
После этого президент США вынужден был оправдываться и заявил, что не знал, о планах террористов использовать самолеты в качестве ракет.
Помощник президента США Кондолиза Райс также подтвердила, что никто не мог знать, что "эти люди возьмут гражданский самолет и расплющат его о Всемирный торговый центр”.
9/11 Warnings and fbi/cia Bungling
Late-Night Jokes About Sept. 11 Intelligence Failures
"President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo." —David Letterman
"In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No, Seriously, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'—Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update".
"I heard some good news today: the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime." —David Letterman.
"The CIA announced that they plan now to cooperate more openly with the FBI. The just haven't told the FBI yet. ... But if you think about it the FBI and CIA are very competitive. In times of trouble, both agencies want to be the one to drop the ball." —David Letterman
"The White House admitted that President Bush was warned last summer about possible terrorist hijackings. Now Democrats are criticizing him for not seeing the 9/11 attacks coming. You think that is fair? Come on, he was attacked by a pretzel, he didn't see that coming!" —Jay Leno
"How is this for irony; did you ever think two years ago Bush would be in trouble for something he knew?" —Jay Leno
"You know, there was that controversial terrorist memo that never got to President George W. Bush. Well, they finally figured out what happened. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shredded them with some Enron documents." —David Letterman
"It was revealed this week that instead of tracking down the hijackers, the FBI had 10 agents working full time for 3 months investigating $300- an- hour hookers working a brothel in New Orleans. Huh! They are still trying to catch Bill Clinton. Why don't they stop?" —Jay Leno
"Good news, the government's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy appears to be working. The bad news is that it is the FBI and the CIA. They're not really exchanging information." —Jay Leno
"I saw an intelligence expert on TV today saying the White House failed to connect the dots. That's ironic because connecting the dots, that's Bush's favorite game." —Jay Leno
"Senator Joe Lieberman said as far as these hijacking threats are concerned somebody should have put two and two together. Put two and two together? Well, that eliminates Bush right there." —Jay Leno
"U.S. officials said yesterday that the big problem is that our intelligence agencies aren't sharing information. What kind of an excuse is that? We don't share our intelligence with the Chinese, they don't have any problem getting it." —Jay Leno
"I don't want to bum you kids out, but New York is on a terror warning. Here's what you do, if you see anything suspicious, you make a note of it and you send it off to Washington. It should get to President Bush sometime within the next couple of years." —David Letterman
"Today the White House admitted that President Bush was warned last summer that Al Qaeda may have been planning hijackings in the U.S. Of course now Congress is demanding answers. They want to know what did George Bush know, and when did Dick Cheney explain it to him." —Jay Leno
"They say Osama bin Laden is still alive and planning more attacks. Now, the question I have is: do you want to tell the FBI or should I?" —David Letterman
"Bailer University in Texas wants to be the new home of the George Bush Presidential Library, they say they want to have a complete collection of all the memos and FBI warnings that Bush didn't read." —Jay Leno
"Barbara Streisand faxed a memo to Dick Gephardt telling him to stand up against President Bush and his plans against Iraq. This is what I love, we have Barbara Streisand telling elected officials what to do, and people looked at the memo and passed it around. Then we had memos about terrorists attacks sent to the FBI and President Bush and no one knows what happened to those." —Jay Leno
"Folks, I've got to tell you something. These jokes may be new to you, but the White House was told about these jokes last July." —Jay Leno
Glossary:
Bungling
To bungle |
Плохая, неумелая работа, головотяпство Напортачить, все испортить |
Marksman |
Меткий стрелок, снайпер
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Marksmanship |
Меткая стрельба, мастерство снайпера
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Bull’s eyes |
Мишени
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White-collar crime |
Должностные/экономические преступления
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Violent crime |
Преступления против личности
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Fiscal year |
Финансовый год
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Cyber security |
Безопасность в кибернетическом пространстве |
Declassify |
Рассекречивать, открывать для общего пользования |
Drop the ball |
Не суметь достичь цели, напортачить, допустить грубую ошибку
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Hijacking |
Угон самолета
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Enron documents |
Корпорация Enron оказалась в центре грандиозного скандала, чреватого далеко идущими политическими и финансовыми последствиями. Всего 15 лет назад Enron был ничем. За эти годы он превратился в седьмую по величине компанию Америки, на которую работала 21 тысяча человек в 40 странах мира. Руководителей Enron обвиняют в том, что компания лгала о прибылях и провела целый ряд теневых сделок. Драматизма ситуации добавило самоубийство вице-президента компании Клиффорда Бакстера, покончившего с собой выстрелом из пистолета.
Федеральное бюро расследований обеспечивает охрану офисов после того, как стало известно, что в Enron уничтожают документы, проливающие свет на махинации.
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Connect the dots |
Сопоставить факты, нарисовать полную картину происходящего В тексте обыгрывается детское увлечение «соедини точки, и получи рисунок» |
Put two and two together
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Связать факты в единое целое, сообразить, скумекать |
To bum smb out |
Пугать кого-то
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