Man to Man

Man To M a n

Whenever you want to relate to a woman, just relate to a woman. Period. You may be able to make anything out of anybody, but you can never change a woman to anything other than a woman; and you can never change a man to anything other than a man, though many methods have been tried. Not to treat a woman as a woman is the first fundamental fault of any man. He will either lose her or misconceive her. To misconceive her, in her essence, means that she becomes your mother, or she becomes your friend only, or she becomes your wife only, and not your friend. When you do this, you miss the totality of the woman.

You will find that some men reach a certain stage when they start growing their beard. Have you seen that? That is the sign that the man wants the woman to be a woman. A man is a fundamental relationship; there should not be a conflict of interest. When you try to relate to an interest group, that is when you have to compromise. You may compromise only a little at first, or you may compromise fully; but you never forget the compromise, nor does she. Then the bickering begins.

Treat a woman as a woman. Don't treat her as a goddess, don't treat her as a second class citizen, don't treat her as a friend, don't treat her as an enemy, and don't treat her as somebody you have an arrangement with. No com­ promise—just treat her gracefully, as a woman, so that she can treat you as a graceful man. That's one ideology that works 100%. Are there any questions? Have you read your notes from the first session? Could you make something out of them?

Q: One thing that I didn't understand was that you said the relationship can only be based on commitment, not on motivation. What did you mean by motivation?

Yogi Bhajan: Sometimes you are hard, you feel sexy, you feel lonely, you want to have a woman. You will just grab a woman and get into it without knowing the length, breadth, depth, water current, anything. It won't work. Anything that you have not worked out shall not work. Commitment means to go through all the pros and cons in the possibility of the relationship. Think about it. Be clean about it. Explain it. Elaborate on it. And don't try to grab her individuality and represent her; let her represent herself, so that you can have a complete understanding of what you want.

Commitment based on emotion is no commitment. Commitment based on cdmmotion is not commitment at all. Commitment based on neurosis is totally selftreachery. Commitment is when both parties freely, totally, cleanly understand the bases and then commit to those fundamental bases. That's called commitment.

Q: In the first session, you gave examples of how the woman fulfills the three shelters that a man needs. Would you give examples of how we can fulfill a woman's need for fulfillment, security, and strength?

Yogi Bhajan: That is what I am going to talk about in.this session: What does woman look to in man? I'm going to complete "Growing Man." Previously I talked about " Multiple Man," the multiple power of you. Now I want to interrelate it and integrate it with what the woman wants to look to.

For example, there's one class of woman who comes to 3HO, she commits herself, she looks very religious, she attracts a man, she marries a man, she has a child; then she leaves her sadhana, she leaves her turban, she leaves her bam, she leaves all the values, and after that, she splits. Now this is a woman who has totally engendered within her an image called father phobia. She will do it again and again. One part of her will be excellent, perfect, precise, magnetic, but the moment she makes the kill, she will flip and go through the other part of it.

You have to investigate this before getting married, not after getting married. When you don't investigate everything beforehand, when you don't put your cards on the table and make sure she puts hers out, then you do nbt communicate and establish a relationship; you do not establish a basic bond. The emotions don't have anywhere else to take you but to commotion, commotion to drama, drama to trauma, trauma to disaster. That's the path.

It is very shocking that in 3HO, where we are willing to counsel anybody, analyze everybody's problems and tell them what to do, people still cannot handle themselves emotionally. That is what we are trying to relate to. If socially a girl is just a girl to you—well, my God, she's not "just a girl"! You're going to put a lot into it, and if all you get out of her is a disaster, there is something fundamentally wrong in your behavior. Don't start that way.

Q: What kinds of questions would you ask to investigate whether or not she has a father phobia?

Yogi Bhajan: I'd check her historyfrom her third year to the present, Then I'd ask her to share all the possible experiences she has had in her life, knowing that I'll share my experience, too. I'll even make up an experience to see what she relates to and how she relates to it. I'd like to check her totally inside-out, and then Pd like to see whether her tendency is toward the earth or toward the ether. Ill watch how she comes to gurdwara. I'll say things like, "I'm not going to go to gurdwara today" and see whether she pulls me out or not. I would like to see where her pull is. If her pull is toward God, I'll be sure that shell make it, If her pull is toward the earth, she's going to let me down, any day. That is what I'm going to look into.

I'm not going to look into the superficial things: "Oh, she's beautiful." Today she's beautiful, tomorrow she gets diarrhea, the day after that she doesn't look beautiful, then what happens to my neurotic image? I am not willing to make a relationship that is temporary. Marriage is not a temporary relationship to begin with. It's not a friendship; it's not a living arrangement. It has to be worked out on such a mutual frequency of give and take that we always feel secure. Marriage is a relationship that grants you sec­ urity—that's the fundamental marriage.

G; What type of father causes father phobia?

Yogi Bhajan: Father phobia is a very heavy situation. If the father is a banana, and if she then hates her father, she will hate every man. If the father has tortured her, she will want to destroy.

You can name anything in the world, but when a certain time passes, when the man is totally saturated, when he no longer looks to anything else, then it happens. I asked her one question, "What is your signal to leave?" She said, "The day he has no friend to call and he throws away his telephone book, that's the signal for me. The next day I leave," This relates to her father phobia.

There's another girl that we just lost (she comes back and forth). We had been working on her. She just wants to be with you. She's so spiritual to talk to-that you think she is not born out of a woman, but that she came from the heavens. She's right there. She talks about God, and everything. She sleeps with you; she makes love to you; she tells you everything—far put. After a while, you realize you can't sleep with her every night and make love to her. You can go for five nights, six, eight, even ten nights—fifteen nights, maximum. After all you are a human being, you also have some cycles. The night you miss her, you'll miss her. She'll be gone. There's not a single man on this planet that can go on and on continuously. Even the craziest man can't do it; but that is her phobia. The day you have not made love to her, she feels you are not in love with her; therefore, there's no use living with you.

AH these hidden faculties are there because the American woman is not innocent. Most of them have lost their virginity, and most of them have 10, 20, 30 relationships. They know how to sell their bodies and exhibit their bodies and play with their bodies and they think that you are just another creep. You think you are the Romeo of the world. So, the bridge has to be built between Romeo and creep

I know one woman and this is what she does. She's far out. There's nothing wrong that you can pinpoint. She is extremely perfect. She meets a man and raises him to a plateau, then brings him to the edge where there is a 30,000 foot drop into a deep stone pond—that's where she wants to push him. In her life, 96 men have met with that tragedy. Ninety-six men she has ruined completely. She brought them to that point, she totally bewitched them and they had nothing to say. With all 96, she did one thing: one morning they got up, after having had a beautiful night with her, and found that she had gone. There was no note and they never knew where she went. She never called. She never talked. She never communicated in any way. She had been their therapist, their counselor, their provider, their sex dream. She was everything to them.

When seven years have gone by, I'll see what she has become. She's insane to that extent. She can meet you and enchant you. Fifteen minutes is a long time for her, I'll give her ten minutes. She can totally charm you, go all over you—your laundry will be done, your underwear will be pressed, your boots will be shining. She'll be half an hour earlier than you and all your appointments will be made.

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Man To Man

Man To M a n

and nobody knows where the end shall be. You need to build a bridge, right? The Mississippi Bridge was built, The engineers must have considered many factors—depth, length, current. They must have considered the whole system. They studied the history of the river, the accidents and incidents. Then they planned and they determined the strength the bridge would need for a lifespan of 200 years. They figured out the whole thing. Why can't you do that in your own relationship? Talk. Figure it out.

There are men who really really make trouble for themselves. When the woman says, "Come on, get up for sadhana/' he says, "Leave me alone. 1was watching TV late, I can't get up." She will say, "Okay, you won't get up." But I can tell you, you have lost all respect before her. When a woman gives a call and you cannot answer—and the call is righteous—you are totally ruining yourself before that woman. It's very important to establish your male faculty to be a leader.

Let me tell you that as a leader you have to understand, whether you want to or not, that you are the sun. You are the sun as the male and she's the moon as the female. (She loses the faculty when her menstruation stops). She fluctuates 28 days, 6 hours; that is her normal cycle, her rhythm, You have no rhythm. Your faculty is stationary. Therefore, your commitment, your communication, your caliber, your projection, your project, your everything has one thing—the sun—the underlying fixed sign. You must prove that you are fixed, you are committed, you are it. You have to set up a behavior wherein you plan, you ask for opinions, you do everything to look absolutely democratic, but in doing so, you cannot forget that one important faculty—the faculty of the "it". This is the main faculty to which the woman looks. She fluctuates, she wanes and waxes. If she finds that you are it* you shall be it, but if you cater to her, she will never cater to you. All she needs is a little crack, a little crack in your personality and you will lose miles.

There's a saying about woman: give her an inch, you have to work out for a mile. That is as simple as it is honest. She can play and pretend that you are always compassionate and giving, but if she catches you in your dishonesty, forget it. You have to understand that the basic personality of woman is to conceive. When the little spermatozoa goes in, she conceives and produces a baby. She can grow anything into conception—even a concept. ItCis.the faculty of her aura.

She never forgets any man who comes into her life. You don't remember for more than one moon—28 days, The fastest you can change your emotions is within 20 days, 28 days, 30 days maximum. She won't forget a person for life, though shell pretend and say, "Oh, I don't remember." So you have to provide her with a stationary, constant value—and that value is radiance. Your wife must know,

or be convinced, or should think that you are trying to be a saint. "My husband is a saint" Do you understand that expression? "Saint" does not mean that you have to wear certain types of clothes and do certain types of things, but that you have to give a certain type of impression that you are very righteous, very self-contained, and very sweet.

For a growing man, certain things have to be remembered. A woman may do a lot of things. If she is provoking you to anger and you are not relating angrily when she is saying certain things that are morally hurting you, you don't deserve to be a man. There are two standards: you do not tolerate moral insult, nor do you react to any trap. If she's trying to make you angry, just tell her, "There's no reason to push it, just explain it to me." The moment you can make a woman explain things to you, you have put her into a form of obedience. But if you start arguing, then you are arguing with an equal—and you are not equal to a woman. You can't get pregnant, you can't deliver a baby, you can't lay the emotional trip that she can lay. She has a natural ability to lay her trip. Therefore, there's no reason to discuss her power. Never do that. Just tell her, "Please, explain it to me, and well go over it. Let me think, I'll get back with you."

I'll tell you something not generally known: the woman will never insultyou morally when she's alone with you. Instead, it has to be in a living room or some public place where there are other people. The term for her then is a "real bitch." There are no other words. I've tried to find other words for it, but couldn't. In the scriptures, the language is much more aggressive and insulting, but I don't want to repeat that. In the American language, I want to tone it down. So the moral insult will come when you are sitting with your friends, when you are sitting with people. Don't take it.

G; Can you give an example?

Yogi Bhajan: Suppose you are sitting like this andTm your wife. I say, "Ji, Yogiji gave you a name I really understand, Hari Singh is a name of God. Hari means the creative activity of God and you are a God. But really, when I see you having a crush on another woman, I do not feel...aren't you insulting Yogiji, who gave you such a high name?" I'm giving you the minimum of what you can expect from her. She will hit the very root, the main root of the person, and it will look very casual: "What?! Oh, nothing, nothing. A thought just came to me." The response to that is, "No, Yogiji knows things beyond what we know, and if he gave me the name, he must have seen beyond that which you can see. But if you want to tell these people, who are your best friends, that I do not measure up to the expectation of my Teacher, I will leave it to my Teacher, and not to you. I think you want to prove what a beautiful and acknowledged way you have to insult a man whom you call your husband." Then full stop. Deliver back with 60% interest. There's no need to argue, there's no need to yell and scream. There's every need to talk; and the talking has to be very, very, very, perfectly exact.

Q: Would you tell her that in private or in front of other people?

Yogi Bhajan: She said it to you among people. The moral hit is never in private. You have to prove that you are intelligent. If you can't prove intelligence, she will not accept you and your friends will think you are a creep. Don't take it. That is the worst fault in America; We take it and we end up with divorce. That's the main problem I have seen in divorce cases. The man does not stand up to the woman when he should. He stands up to her when there is no reason for it.

One woman said to her husband, "Ji, you are very sleepy, you are dozing, can I drive?" He said, "No, what? I'm not dozing. I'm not dozing, I'm all right." After a while she said, "Look, I want to go to the ladies' room." He stopped and she got out and said, "Bye. I'm not driving with you." "No! You have to." He started hurting her; he started becoming fussy, started showing off. So finally, because she didn't want to make a public scene, she got back into the car but she sat in the back seat. She wouldn't sit with him. They didn't go but about two furlongs, not one-eighth of a mile, and crash! Thank Godthat the sign post was not very strong. Now is this a stand? Should a man take this kind of stand? The car fender was smashed, the engine was damaged, the child was hurt, she was hurt and he was hurt. And the police gave him a ticket.

When you take this kind of stand, you prove yourself to be a fool. She is your partner. She is a human being. Treat her that way. There's no harm in asking her to give you her intelligent opinion or to give her your opinion. Tell her it is an opinion. She may not listen to your opinion four times, but the fifth time she'll start respecting it

There's also a simple situation in relationships called mother onslaught. This happens when you are scared of a woman. When you were young and innocent, you communicated nicely as a child to your mother but all the time your mother was communicating arrows to you. All you remember is that your mother freaked out, she yelled and screamed. She messed you up, she messed up your father; all she did was mess, mess, mess and all that mess has left a permanent mark in your life. The underlying memory of that mess is there to mess up your life, to the extent of 30%. Therefore, your relationship with a woman needs to be totally free of any other relationship.

I'm trying to give you this picture: the woman is totally innocent. She's totally confirmed and confined in her innocence, You are talking with absolute grace but you are under these clouds of mother onslaught. Therefore, please remember as a matter of policy, your wife is notyour mother. Once a person asked me how I felt about the fact that his wife would not act as his mother. I said, "Did you ever sleep with your mother?" He said, "When I was a child." I said, "Did you have sex with her?" He said, "No." I said, "Just remember, this is the woman you have sex with."

People are so insensitive that they cannot differentiate. That's, the. main-:'problem men have today, they don't differentiate. A wife is a wife. How do you spell wife? W- I-F-E, right? Wife is a combination of two words, why and if: "Why are you doing this?" "If you do that..." It is called 'why and if' behavior. If you foolishly question this behavior, the answer will be, "Ji, 1was just checking, nothing special." It does not mean she doubts you, it does not mean she's negative toward you, nor does it mean she's not relating to you. It doesn't mean anything. It's a normal procedure: why and if.

As far as your growth is concerned, your growth is not here. It must not stop here. Your cyclical strength is—and now I am giving you therapy—that your consciousness is 7 years, your intelligence is 11 years and your life is 18 years. These are the life cycles. When you are about 21 or so, check it out. If you are 36, are you intelligent enough? Figure this proportion: at 36, you are two life cycles, three I I -year cycles of intelligence, and five 7-year cycles of consciousness. If you do not proceed with consciousness to that relevancy, you will be irrelevant in your own life, not to speak of your relationship. This checks your integrity, character, social limit, personal interest, emotional interest, progressive interest, and future security.

If a person can hurt you, can hurt your emotional interest, then you can be heavily damaged and you'll never progress the way you need to progress. Those people who hurt you emotionally are not your friends. These are people who hurt you socially, people who down your character, people who down your integrity, and people who damage your progressive interest. These things form your personal credit; this credit is your future security. Wherever you go, your credit will go with you. All of this is you.

Self-Image and Sabotage

The best way to dealwith personal problems and decisions is by using the following therapy. We used this therapy when I was young. We didn't have tape recorders, so one person would talk and the other would take dictation in long hand. We would choose a subject, and then penetrate it mentally by talking, assessing, analyzing, and judging. Today our subject is woman. The object is to describe a beautiful woman. Take a tape recorder, talk. Replay it and listen to it. Assess it. Analyze what you said in that talk and then judge yourself. Follow? These are very wonderful times when you can just use a recorder.

Suppose the greatest problem for you is sadhana. Record the plus for it, post the minus for it. Talk about it. You can go 60 minutes talking about it. Assess it, analyze it, judge yourself. You'll find your deepest personality—and your problems with that personality. Write them down

Man To Man

and then call your Teacher and receive your assessment. Mostly you will find the answers yourself. If you cannot, just call for help. This system is better than self-hypnosis, it is better than group therapy, it is

better than anything that you have done so far. You can do the same thing with decisions. Take a problem, consider the plus and minus of the problem. Talk it out. Take the pros and cons, the odds and evens, the achievement, and then analyze and come to a result.

Q: Sir, could you go through an example of a problem and solving it?

Yogi Bhajan: Suppose you didn't do your sadhana today. Get through your day and forget it. There's nothing to feel either bad or good about. You remember that you didn't do it: your

wife told you, your teacher told you, everybody told you, you know about it—forget it.

But instead, you think you are an asshole. That's what you think. When you don't accomplish your progressive goals, at that time you have only one faculty working against you, and that is called self-mutiny. It's not self-destructiori, it's not self-animosity; it's self-mutiny. It is done by those unfortunate people who do not understand that the progress, the second progress to God, is father. That's why God is called Father—Father or Padre. That's what we call these priests and reverends—"padre", "father." Why? It is an image of security. Against that image there is a desire for revolt—self-revolt. Self-revolt will be found only in those people who are destroying their fatherhood, and it is found in men. It's a psychological disease. It is not a behavioral pattern problem. It's a very deep-rooted disease of selfimage. Such people will be successful, but then they will destroy themselves. This is the problem of self-revolt. It is worse than the problem of self-revenge.

There isastudent of mine in Canada. When I came ten years ago, he was in the university. When I went this last time, he was still in the university. I think when I'm a hundred years old, if at all 111 be, he'll still be in the university if that university remains a university. He's highly qualified; he works in the university. He has three Ph.D.'s and now he's doing his M A in some nonsense. I said, "Why are you doing this?" He said, "That's all there was available." Can you believe that?

That is why we are trying to push all of you into businesses. Business demands responsibility, business dem ands concentration, and business demands your growth.

There is one great problem with people: self-image. There is no such thing as self-image, it's what you are. You can have a very real relationship

with it or you can have a very unreal relationship with it. When you have a realistic relationship with your image, then you are very positive and creative. You can achieve, you can go ahead with the whole world of yours. When you have a poor self-image or you have a conflict with your selfimage, you will somehow only achieve in order to destroy. That's the worst part of it—destroy or distraught.

I am working with one person who has a business. He brings it to a perfect, smooth level, then he does some funny thing and in one week the business comes down to bankruptcy. I have been watching him for the past three years.

I want to remind you that I didn't learn all this as a grown man. Basically, I learned it all between the ages of seven and nine. So, please understand your obligation to your children. I was taught all this when I was seven years old. I was told. I was made to see things. Everything was discussed with me. I was told this will be the problem/this will be the woman, this will be the man, this will be the...

whew! So as I grew, I knew what was happening. That's why you go to the university. You learn to be an engineer, then you become an apprentice, you become perfect, and then, you start your own business. Isn't that how life is?

When you confront a situation person to person, remember that within this situation, Person A and Person B are opposing each other: "I have a confrontation with you and you have a confrontation with me" is the thought. But at the same time it's interlocked: "You are with me, I am with you." Interlocked personalities: "He's talking to me, I'm talking to him, therefore we are together. We are talking from opposite sides because he wants to overcome me and I want to overcome him." The outcome is as intelligence will decide. Personality should never come into conflict.

IMan To Mart

hampers the creativity of our digestive system and our supply system. When the supply system is not together, then stress occurs because the demand is constant. The demand is constant because we have a pattern; we have a behavior. We have created that behavior and it is constant. The outlet demand is constant, on the inlet we fluctuate, and in-between, the balance, there's a gap. That's why people overeat and get fat, I know. Flying causes me such stress that you wouldn't believe it. It never used to, but these ten years of flying have totally brought me to a point of stress. This time I didn't want to break my diet, but I was trying to catch a cold, I knew it. So I merely took good, hot food: vegetables, hot chilies. I went through it. (Green chilies are good and red are best. Take as many as you can handle, but be very careful with those chilies. You most know how to digest them.)

You can fight stress with food, but the intake, the quality and the quantity must be a regular habit. The best times for eating are regulated by age: for the first 18 years, you can eat all the time; up to 36 years, you can eat four times a day; to 54, three times, to 72, two times; and beyond that, once per day. That is complementary to the physical process.

Q: What do you mean by four times?

Yogi Bhajan: Four times during the day. I didn't say at night. Do you eat at night? The first 18 years, eat all the time, eat as much as you want. It won't bother you. Normally in the first 18 years, you never get enough; you always want more to eat. It's a natural law. Even the rich kids don't get what they want to eat. But from the very first day to the last day of your life, the quality, quantity and interval must be regular. I repeat: Quality, quantity and interval.

Internal and External Values

"Oh, why do you dress this way?" He said, "Because we are religious people. We are supposed to, blah, blah, blah." "Okay, you are hired." You will not look like a common pigeon. Some of you feel thatas a common pigeon, you will sneak out into jobs, sneak out into success, sneak out into anything. Remember: anything that you have to sneak to will cause you to fall flat also. Earn every bit of life, that is, real value over real value. The real value over real value is that you must earn every bit of your life—everything. That's the only way to grow as a man. Earn your woman, earn your money, earn your home, earn your prospect, earn your progress, earn your success. Learn to earn; don't learn to get. Do you understand the difference? Don't learn to get. Whatever you get you will lose, whatever you earn will be yours. What you can earn you can re-eam. What you get you can lose. There is a tremendous difference between the two faculties.

Don't be imaginative; be realistic. Don't be impulsive; be practical. Imagine everything, but extend it only to the practical, the reasonable. Imagination has a lot of loop holes; practicality is a hard fact. Over and above all that, remember one thing: everything changes, even the sun—which is stationary—has its entire environment change. Even the sunlight, which should be as constant as the sun, causes day and night because the earth rotates. It's the law of two: One thing may not change, the other may. Change is the inevitable fact of life.

Change is inevitable; therefore, you have to change. Since you have to change, why not change to the positive? Positive— change for the plus. Whenever something has to be put on the touchstone, see that it changes you for the plus. Go along with it. If it's changing for the negative, forget it.

One last word, sex is not physical intercourse; sex is the creative sixth sense. You must grow to impress people with your sixth sense. It is not your animal physical sex that can do anything. What you can do physically for a woman, she can achieve with masturbation. A woman once told me, "I don't know why I’m married to him. I can masturbate myself and feel better than I do with this guy who calls himself a great husband." I could see the frustration. There was a tremendous lack of sixth sense.

Now you can ask questions about the inner woman and the growing man. I will answer you as a woman. I will transfer my personality and I will let you know what she wants. Ask any silly question; it's all for men.

Question and Answer

Q: You said a woman hasn't the capacity to love a man.

Where does love fit into the relationship?

Yogi Bhajan: Love is an imaginative smoothness between

two individuals called imaginative harmony. In real "love" there's no faculty of reason. Reason has no place and love is blind. You fall in love, you don't make love. All we are talking about here is the love process and that is imaginative harmony. Anything that gives you harmony or imaginative harmony is called love. That's where it fits in.

Q: You mentioned the "why" and "if" of the woman. Can you tell us how a man is to relate to that?

Yogi Bhajan: It's the sixth sense intelligence. When she's "why and if", you have to give a satisfactory answer to proceed. When she asks you a question, there's no way that you can escape giving the answer. You may think you've gotten away with it, forget it. You have gotten away with it at the cost of your self-respect, self-image, self-integrity, self-dignity, and self-grace. It's a very heavy cost you have to pay.

If she asks aquestion, you've got to come up with an answer. At least you can answer her, "I'll answer you tomorrow, definitely. Please remind me." Don't let it drop. That’s the first challenge that every man has to grow to and has to meet.

Q: In sex, a woman's mind is sometimes not there; it sort of splits to another place. I remember hearing you say something about a woman's mind going tojustpractical things. One part of her gets swept away and the other part isjust...

Yogi Bhajan: Highly imaginative. The woman's mind is called "swinging mind." On one side, she imagines heaven; on the other side, she thinks of hell. You are in-between, caught between her imaginative hell and her imaginative heaven. Neither exists. That is why we always say that a woman can be a very practical bitch in bed and a graceful puppy in the living room. There's a whole philosophy around that situation. Only ten percent of all men know how to keep a woman entangled in bed. Those who don't know are very resentful aboyt it. In bed, it is your foremost duty to keep her entangled, physically and mentally—both. If you let her mind go off, forget it. It is no longer sexual intercourse, it becomes rape. That's why many women say, "My man rapes me without being caught." It's a common expression.

Q: How does a woman's meditation differ from a man's?

Yogi Bhajan: Once a woman feels meditatively that you are it, she no longer uses her reason and logic. Then all you need to do is touch the button and the right answer comes. She becomes a computer.

Q: If you're living in an ashram with a lady who has a fatherphobia and she's not your wife, what would be the best way to relate to her to help her get out of it?

Yogi Bhajan: Keep your grace. Don't make her come out of it, let her come out. You can never make a woman come out of her phobias, come out of this or come out of that. Remember, you ego-maniac idiots! It's the greatest fault on the part of a man to think that he can change a woman. She can change by taking the lead from you; but you can never change a woman. To think so is your biggest fault, your worst direction, and atotally wrong challenge for a man to take on. Nothing is a greater waste of time, waste of life, and waste of energy. Don't make a project out of a woman.

If you want to change anybody, the project must be to give yourself grace. You'll find the answer coming then, because she is challenged to match up to you. All of you who are working on a woman to change her are wasting your time and looking for disaster. It's a conflict of energy; it's not required; it's not needed; it's not wanted. Just match up and she'll match up to you.

CL- Can the father phobia apply to a male child, or can the mother project it onto the male child and, if so, what might be some of the signs?

Yogi Bhajan: The mother may not project her own father phobia, but she can produce sufficient insecurity [to initiate phobia in the male child]. Some signs are that she won't toe the line of the father/husband, and she’ll,always remind the child that there is a difference between her and the man, always. It's called "non-supporting living attitude.”

Q: You said that a man can't change a woman; what about the woman changing the man?

Yogi Bhajan: Well, they always want it. This is their utmost desire. We do nothing. When a woman wants to change me, I do nothing. After a while, she gets frustrated and stops. For ten years in America, they have tried to change me; they have found no way. Don't you see? I am a man, living as a man, among the women.

Q: When a mother dies early in life, what is the effect on the children?

Yogi Bhajan: It's a tremendous trauma. The child then looks to the mother in the father. It's a very heavy psychological trauma, but if it can be talked out for a long time, in short intervals, every day, with time, it can totally soothe itself out.

Man To M a n

■.He did the job so well that once, in' a public meeting, '-when ■ Yogi Bhajan: You .are dealing-with another man. Exactly,.