Chapter Eighteen

Jessie grabbed a blanket and a bottle of wine and headed out. The trail would be treacherous at night, but she didn't care. She couldn't escape her thoughts and she desperately needed answers. It was only when the moon went behind a cloud that she remembered she had no flashlight. But it didn't matter. She didn't care.

She stumbled along the trail, her boots hitting unseen rocks and she would have walked into a tree had the moon not shown itself again. She finally found the ledge and blindly jumped across the break, landing only feet from the edge.

So many years ago, her father's life ended right here. She stared out over the canyon into the darkness below. Why had he jumped?

She sat down and let her feet dangle over the edge, part of her knowing she was far too close but she didn't move back. Instead, she reached into her bag for the bottle of wine.

"What happened?" she whispered.

She took a swallow from the bottle and shoved it between her legs, letting childhood memories flood her. Camping. Just the two of them in the tent. Fishing, him teaching her to tie flies. Hiking the trails, she running ahead of him, then him chasing her, finally catching her and swinging her around. Annie was never there. She wasn't there for either of them. Jessie closed her eyes. Annie didn't love him. She remembered him telling her that. Annie wasn't there for him.

Then the tent. It was so hot, he told her she didn't have to put her pajamas on. Jessie took another swallow from the bottle. Annie wasn't there for him. But Jessie was. She was always there.

"Oh God," she whispered.

"Jessie, you’re my best girl, aren’t you?"

How many times had she heard those words? The best girl. And because Annie wasn't there, she had to be.

"No."

"Its okay, Jessie. It'll be our little secret."

"Oh, no," she sobbed and clutched the wine bottle to her. "No."

Forgotten memories hit her full force and she cried for her lost innocence. The tent. It was so hot. Oh God, and it hurt. It hurt so bad. But he had soothed her, told her it would be better the next time. It wouldn't hurt so much. She was such a good girl.

"Goddamn son of a bitch!" she screamed through her tears. She rocked back and forth, the bottle of wine her only comfort on this dark, dark night.

Chapter Nineteen

Chris drove back to her cabin with the Jeep window open. The night was cool, but the fresh air felt good after sitting in cigarette smoke for the last few hours. She glanced toward the parking area for Ridge Trail like she always did and slammed on her brakes. Jessie's rental car shone in the moonlight.

"Jesus! What the hell is she doing?"

She parked beside the car and felt the hood. It was cold. She let out a heavy sigh.

"Oh, man."

After hiking all day, the last thing she wanted was a quick trip up Ridge Trail. It took her nearly thirty minutes to negotiate the trail in the dark, even with her flashlight. She topped the ridge and stopped to catch her breath and relief washed over her as she saw the lone figure sitting on the ledge. The moon cast enough light for her to see Jessie huddled in a blanket, a bottle of wine sitting next to her. She turned the flashlight off and walked over to her.

"Jessie?" she called softly. There was no answer. No movement. "Can I sit with you?" Still nothing.

Chris took one long stride across the crack in the ledge and sat down behind her, moving the nearly empty bottle of wine away. She spread her legs on either side of Jessie and put her arms around her, pulling her back against her chest. Jessie didn't resist, instead laid her head back against Chris. Chris felt her take a deep breath, then release it slowly.

"You okay?" Chris whispered.

"No."

"Want to talk?"

"No."

Chris only nodded and held Jessie to her, rocking her gently in her arms. After a few moments, she felt rather than heard Jessie crying. Chris kissed the back of her head gently and tightened her hold.

Jessie relaxed into the comfort of Chris's arms, letting her tears fall silently. She had thought that she was cried out, but for the first time in so many, many years, secure arms held her, offering solace, nothing more. And it felt good. But she knew she didn't deserve it. She had nothing to give back. She was just an empty shell of a woman. And emptiness was something she was very used to.

She felt Chris kiss her hair, felt her arms tighten and she squeezed her eyes shut against the feelings that seethed over her. She didn't deserve this. No, she deserved to hurt, to feel pain.

She turned her head suddenly, pressing her lips into Chris's neck, then moving to her lips, kissing them hard.

"No, don't say anything," she whispered. "Please. I know you want me. I can see it in your eyes."

She pushed Chris back on the ledge and straddled her, her hands roughly cupping Chris's breasts before her mouth claimed Chris again.

Chris didn't know what was happening, but she had no time for thoughts as her mouth opened and Jessie's tongue entered, driving out all resistance.

Jessie took what she wanted and Chris became a nameless, faceless woman, like so many before her. Just someone she could use to drive out her thoughts. She laid her full weight on top of Chris, pressing her hips hard into the soft body beneath hers, hearing Chris's low moan as her kiss turned hungry. She refused to think, letting her body take over as her hands moved between them, unbuttoning Chris's jeans and slipping easily inside. Her fingers found their target, only briefly acknowledging the wetness she knew she would find. She shook off the hands that cupped her face, denying the tender kiss that Chris placed on her lips.

"No."

The eyes that Chris found in the moonlight were hard, dark, emotionless.

"Jessie ..."

"No."

Jessie covered her mouth again then roughly grabbed Chris's hand and shoved it inside her own jeans. She rolled over, pulling Chris on top of her, opening her legs.

"Please, take me," she whispered before guiding Chris's mouth back to her own.

Chris tried to pull away, her mind fighting with her body over her desire for this woman. She could take her, right now. But for pleasure? No, it would just be a quick fuck. Jessie's eyes were blank. There was no pleasure there. But Jessie grabbed her hand again, pushing it inside her jeans. Fingers felt wetness and Chris moaned, wanting to be inside her, and she let her body win.

Jessie raised her hips, shoving fingers deep inside her. Her eyes closed as familiar feelings gripped painfully at her heart. Her hips moved roughly against fingers that tried to give her pleasure. She didn't want pleasure. She wanted to hurt.

"Harder," she whispered.

"No, Jessie, look at me."

"No. Please, just fuck me." She closed her mind and saw nothing, only blackness. Then he was there, so big, so rough, callused hands touching her soft skin. "It's alright, baby, Daddy's here."

Chris saw the tears fall, felt Jessie go limp and she finally pulled her hand away. She stared at her, wondering what had just happened, why she had let it happen. This isn't what she wanted between them.

"Jessie?"

Jessie shook her head as sobs racked her body. She felt Chris pull away from her and sit up. Jessie curled into a fetal position and cried. She cried harder when she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Jessie, please. Tell me what the hell is going on."

"I just wanted... I wanted,"

"I know what you wanted. I want to know why. Why did you do that to me?"

"I tried to warn you," Jessie whispered.

"Warn me?"

"I use people, McKenna. It's the only thing I'm good at."

"Goddamn you, Jessie. I'm not some bimbo you picked up in a bar to take home for a quick fuck. I liked you."

Liked. Past tense. Jessie nodded. This, she was used to.

Chris stood and pulled her jeans up and buttoned them. Never in her life had she been this humiliated. She had thought, maybe, that Jessie liked her, that Jessie wanted to be with her as much as Chris wanted to be with Jessie. But no, she just used people.

"Come on," she said.

"No."

"Yes. I'm leaving and so are you. Get up."

Jessie wanted to argue, but she knew Chris would not leave her here alone. Despite the fact that she had hurt her. Yes, Jessie hurt her. Intentionally. This beautiful woman with such kindness in her eyes, Jessie had turned their mutual attraction into a game. She was very sorry, but she couldn't find the words to explain, so she said nothing.

She followed Chris silently down the trail, several steps behind her. At the trailhead, Jessie stopped at the Jeep but Chris opened the door and climbed in. Their eyes met and Jessie saw none of the warmth that she was used to seeing in her blue eyes. She saw hurt and pain and a hint of anger. She didn't blame her. She stepped aside as Chris pulled away and walked numbly to her car.