Bond of brotherly hate

Jealousy between brothers and sisters is very often unavoidable, especially when a new baby is born into the family.

Mary, fifteen months old, would brush her newborn brother's head so hard that she almost drew blood. Three-year-old Bobby sang nursery rhymes and gave four-month-old Eliza's cradle such a hard push that she fell out on several occasions.

Sibling rivalry can often be caused by one child feeling, rightly or wrongly, that the parents prefer the other child or children in the family to them. An eight-year-old girl started having asthma attacks because she felt her mother was devoting more time and attention to her two younger sisters, aged five and seven.

A teenage boy of religious parents dropped out and adopted a "hippie" lifestyle because he believed his parents preferred his younger sister.

According to research, the arrival of a new baby causes most trouble in families where the mother is particularly close to an elder daughter. But where the child has a close relationship with the father, there is usually far less conflict after the new birth. Temperament, too, is important. Children who are irritable or difficult react most strongly to the birth of a sibling.

Not surprisingly it is often when mothers are attending to the new baby that siblings play up. Rosie Summers recalls: "Literally, no sooner had I started to feed the baby than Lisa, then two, would announce that she wanted a drink or would go into another room and start dropping things. It was extremely irritating."

What families forget is that not only is sibling rivalry normal, it can also have a positive side. It is important to remember Freud's view that if you cannot hate you cannot love. In most families, sibling rivalry and sibling affection are two sides of the same coin. A mother of two boys aged sixteen and ten has this experience: "My kids will be at each other's throats, complaining to me about what the other has done or has got. Yet if someone is unpleasant to one, or if either hurts himself, nobody could be more caring or concerned than the other."

True or false?

1. When a new baby is born into a family, the firstborn often does harm to his younger brother or sister, on purpose or not.

2. Children are sometimes right felling that the parents prefer the other child or children to them.

3. Children don’t usually expose (show) their sufferings when they feel jealous towards their younger brothers or sisters.

4. A close relationship with one of the parents often influences the firstborn’s attitude to the new baby.

5. Sibling rivalry is quite normal.

6. Children can be very caring and concerned about their brothers’ or sisters’ problems, in spite of the rivalry between them.

Text C

Only children

Is an "only child" special in some way? If children have no brothers and sisters, do they develop differently? Are they likely to be more intelligent? Or less confident? Or shier? Or more selfish? Or are they just the same as children from large families?

Statistics often show that only children are "achievers" — people who become very successful in their careers. But firstborn children in general (not just only children) tend to be "achievers".

In the 1920s and 1930s the child experts used to say, "Being an only child is a disease in itself'. In fact, of course, it's impossible to support this. Only children naturally have a very different experience in childhood. They are always the centre of attention. No younger brother or sister arrives to challenge this, and to share his or her childhood with them.

One modern-day child expert believes they may be more dependent. They may be less willing to share things. They may have more difficulty getting used to school. But the phrase "an only child" does not necessarily mean "a lonely child".

The professor of Child Care at Sheffield Hospital, Ronald Illingworth, says: "There is one great advantage for an only child. He or she receives all the love parents have to offer. A loved child usually grows up into a loving adult".

So the general opinion of the experts is: Only children are not very different from "non-onlies" in either emotions or intelligence.

The journalist Angela Lewis interviewed several famous and successful people who were only children. Among them Noel Edmonds (a BBC radio disc jockey and TV presenter), Sally Oppenheim (a Conservative MP), and Chris Bonnington (the Everest climber).

Sally Oppenheim: "My parents didn't spoil me. In fact, they were stricter than many parents. As a child I used to talk to my dog for hours. (I think pets are very important to only children). Mostly I was bored. This has made me work hard in my career. 1 like to be busy. I married young — as an only child, I think I needed a close relationship with another adult. Even now I still don't like being an only child. I have a horror of being alone".

Noel Edmonds: "I was shy at school. I didn't make many friends. I wasn't used to being with other children. In the school holidays I used to play on my own. But I had a very good relationship with my parents. I don't remember feeling lonely as a child, but I used to invent my own dream world. And I decided very early that I was going to be successful".

Chris Bonnington: "I was shy. At times I was very unhappy especially when I was sent to a boarding school at five. I didn't make close friends until I was about thirteen. I became very good at being by myself. I had no one to rely on, and no one to ask for advice. That made me independent, and I've always solved my problems myself. My wife and I have two sons. We didn’t want an only child, because I felt I had missed a lot of things."

True or false?

1. Only children are as often “achievers” as firstborns in general.

2. Only children are often more intelligent than “non-onlies”.

3. Only children are in general very different from “non-onlies” in their emotions (as experts say).

4. Only children are different from children in large families, because they have a very different experience in childhood.

5. The phrase “an only child” never means “a lonely child”.

6. An only child’s relationship with his parents is always warm and close,

Exercise 4 In your groups try to answer the questions. You may not be able to answer all the questions.

1. Who brings up children in large families?

2. Do loving parents often experiment on their firstborn? What do they do?

3. What is an only child (or a firstborn) often not allowed to do?

4. When can a child’s life change?

5. When is jealousy between siblings especially unavoidable?

6. Why are children jealous of their brothers or sisters?

7. What positive sides does sibling rivalry have? Who substantiated this point of view?

8. Why can a child grow up a nervous wholly self-centred being but not a calm person, able to cope with numerous problems?

9. What can an only child receive in the family?

10. What does an only child often lack in childhood?

11. What can help an only child avoid loneliness?

12. What traits of character may only children lack in some experts’ opinion? What can develop in an only child as years pass?

13. In what way is an only child’s experience in childhood different from that of a “non-oniy’s”?

14. In what cases is there less conflict between the siblings after the arrival of the new baby?

15. How can a child acquire a sense of proportion and his own importance?

Exercise 5 Find partners from the other groups. Compare your answers and swap information. List the advantages and disadvantages of being an only child and growing up with several brothers and sisters.

Exercise 6 Return to your original groups and discuss the following points. Use the words in the box above (see №1)

a) An only child: spoilt or unhappy?

b) Having and being a brother or a sister is great!

Exercise 7 Write an essay on the following topic:

“When I have a family of my own, I’m going to have ... children.”