8) Different people have different views on verbal abuse.

While one of the partners, as a rule, being raised a victim, considers rough verbal stuff a normal part of family relationship, the other one suffers from what he or she considers constant insults. If the victim is afraid or does not know how to explain to the partner what he or she feels, they may end up in a divorce.

9) Considering verbal abuse a crime is the only way to combat it.

Firstly, verbal abuse is usually a secret problem as the victims stay perniciously silent. Secondly, many people think it is not a problem at all. Thirdly, the victims are not protected by law. If you are an abused wife you can either put up with it or file for a divorce. Children are also not protected: in 1996 the cases of emotional abuse made up only 3% of all the cases of child abuse considered by the US courts.

Of course, some measures are taken. The court may fine the abuser and oblige him to attend psychological counseling. In 2012 a national hotline for the victims of home violence was created in Belarus. However, experts say that the only way to combat verbal abuse is to pass a law that will regulate not only all the legal aspects, but also the other ones, including defining the victim and the victimizer.

Arguments against Considering Verbal Abuse a Crime, Harmful Behavior That Can and Should be Avoided

1) One can never prove the fact of being verbally abused.

There are no visible signs of verbal abuse. You cannot record you being abused, because it is prohibited by law unless you get a special permission by the court. The only way you can prove verbal abuse is by presenting witnesses. However, most abusers are clever enough not to abuse their victims in public. Consequently, we cannot consider a crime something that can almost never be proven.

2) Different people have different views on verbal abuse.

One person may consider a particular word, phrase or manner of communication as an insult, while for his or her partner it can be the “normal” manner of communication, the manner he has been taught by the parents (learned behavior). Sometimes the abuser has no intention to offense the partner. Consequently, we cannot convict people of such insults as long as in many cases it is a very subjective issue.

3) Bad language is an uncontrollable impulse.

Many people have problems with impulse control. Especially when we become angry, we tend to use swear words automatically, without intending to hurt somebody’s feelings. No study is needed to say that most of us use bad language in stressful situations and it is considered perfectly normal by most of us.

4) Criticism is a sign of a healthy relationship.

To some extent criticism is a normal part of family relationships, and it actually should be. We tell unpleasant things to people to explain our dissatisfaction, to avoid conflicts in the future. Criticism helps spousal relationship to evolve, to be more sincere and honest. Upbringing of children also inevitably involves criticism aimed at helping the child to develop, to avoid mistakes in the future.

Conclusion

Obviously, the problem of verbal abuse and its consequences are still underestimated. However, the problem has already been acknowledged, which is the first stage of its solution.

Unfortunately, the society has divided into two groups: those who consider verbal abuse unavoidable and harmless, a normal manner of communication, the habit many people are raised with and those for who it is as terrible, harmful and undesirable as battering. In any case there is enough evidence to conclude that verbal abuse of children is not acceptable.

To resolve the spousal abuse problem (and to combat home violence in general) we should start with passing comprehensive anti-domestic violence laws and stopping child abuse of any kind, because having grown up they enter a vicious circle of abuse.

Probably the best decision for an adult is to find a partner with the same point of view on rough verbal stuff, because despite the enormous amount of data proving pernicious effects of verbal abuse many people still consider it normal and even unavoidable, especially in Belarus.

Personal View

Unfortunately, I have to admit that I am the only victimizer in our couple. By boyfriend not only rules out any form of physical violence, but also never uses hostile or bad language, even the words like “stupid”, “fool”. By contrast with him, I can not only say unpleasant things, I can even punch him sometimes. However, I never want to hurt his feelings or inflict pain on him, and he knows it. We always discuss our relationship openly and sincerely. That is why we have no problems, even though our manners of communication are different.

http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/userfiles/file/Children_and_Families/DomesticViolence.pdf

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verbal_abuse

http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/probe/docs/verbalabuse.html

http://www.howstuffworks.com/vsd.htm

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_Hh-LJsya4&feature=related

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minimisation_(psychology)

http://www.relationshipliteracy.info/School_PAVverbabuse.htm

http://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/851609/get-victory-over-verbal-abuse

http://www.safevoices.org/statistics.php

http://www.keepyourchildsafe.org/child-abuse-stats.html

http://www.teenhelp.com/teen-abuse/child-abuse-statistics.html

http://rebenok.by/articles/together/nasilie/~id=16294

http://103.by/article/articles_actual/2877/

http://neurope.eu/article/2012/06/13/irina_alkhovka_v_belarusi_net_zakona_o_protivodeistvii_domashnemu_nasiliyu

http://pravo.by/main.aspx?guid=72803

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