Verbal Abuse is no Crime. It is Harmless and Unavoidable

Julia Daniliuk, 501

The Concept of Verbal Abuse

The United Nations Development Fund for Women estimates that at least one of every three women globally will be beaten, raped or otherwise abused during her lifetime. In most cases, the abuser is a member of her own family.

These statistics make it obvious that domestic violence is one of the major social problems. The term can be defined as an abusive behavior by one partner against another in a family, a dating or cohabiting couple.

Domestic violence is a pervasive problem in any country, causing victims, as well as witnesses and bystanders in every community, to suffer incalculable pain and loss. In addition to the lives taken and injuries suffered, partner violence shatters the sense of well-being that allows people to thrive. It also can cause health problems that last a lifetime, and diminish children’s prospects in school and in life.

Domestic violence has many forms, including not only brutal physical assault (battering, punching, choking, slapping) and sexual abuse but also more subtle forms like stalking, economic or emotional abuse (including intimidation, threatening and verbal abuse).

In general, verbal abuse is a negative defining statement told to the person or about the person or withholding any response thus defining the target as non-existent. One of the most widespread forms of it is bullying at school.

Speaking about the family, verbal abuse can be considered the most widespread form of home violence. While many people believe the abuser has low self-esteemand so attempts to place the victim in a similar position, to make him or her believe negative things about themselves, this is not usually the case in couple relationships. According to psychologists, more often a man may disparage a woman partner simply because she has the qualities that were disparaged in him (receptivity, emotional intelligence, warmth, etc.).

The studies show that a person of any gender, culture or age may experience verbal abuse. Moreover, verbal abusive relationship is usually modeled on a general pattern of any abusive relationship: the victimizer tends to step up assaults over time.

Despite being the most common form of abuse, verbal abuse is usually not taken as seriously as other forms.

The Forms of Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse includes the following:

1) Withholding. A marriage is based on intimacy, and intimacy requires empathy. Empathy means that the two partners share their feelings, thoughts, desires, problems, and do it sincerely. If one partner withholds his thoughts, emotions or other information, the marriage bond can weaken. Another form of withholding is refusal to listen to the partner. In such a way the victimizer denies the partner’s experience and leaves him or her isolated.

2) Countering. This term is applied to the situation when the verbal abuser sees his or her partner as an adversary. Consequently, the abuser is constantly countering and correcting everything the partner does. Internally the abuser usually thinks, “How dare she have a different view!” Countering is destructive to a spousal relationship, because it prevents the abuser from knowing the partner’s thoughts and feelings. In many ways, the abuser even does not allow the victim to have his or her own thoughts.

3) Discounting is used by the abuser to downplay positive attributes of the victim (talents, skills, features of character). Discounting denies the reality and experience of the victim and is extremely destructive. It can be a most insidious form of verbal abuse because it denies and distorts the victim’s actual perception of the abuse.

4) Blocking and diverting. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can or cannot be discussed, or withholds information. The victimizer can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting.

5) Accusing and blaming. The verbal abuser accuses the partner of some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic agreement of their relationship. This is usually used to divert the conversation and put the partner on the defensive.

6) Trivializing means making something insignificant. When this is done in a frank and sincere manner, it is difficult to detect. Often the partner becomes confused and believes he or she has failed to explain to the partner how important certain things are.

7) Threatening is a classic form of verbal abuse. As a rule, the victimizer manipulates the partner by bringing up his or her biggest fears. This may include threatening to leave or threatening to get a divorce.

8) Name-calling. Continually calling someone “stupid” because he or she is not as intelligent as the victimizer or calling the victim a “slut” because she enjoys communicating with other men can have a devastating effect on the partner’s self esteem.

9) Forgetting. This may involve both overt and covert manipulation. Everyone forgets things from time to time, but the verbal abuser consistently does so. After the wife collects herself after being yelled at, she may confront her husband only to find that he has “forgotten” about the incident. Some abusers consistently forget about the promises they have made which are most important to their partners.

10) Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he treats the victim like a slave or subordinate.

11) Denial is a special category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, the verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he or she is not abusive. That is why since the abuser is usually in denial it is so important for the partner to recognize these forms of abuse. Thus, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse and dealing with the situation often rests with the partner.