It's a start.

“That came out really nice,” Simone said with a grin as she handed the woman back her camera, and Bill removed his arm from around her shoulder.

“Thank you so much, my daughter is going to scream. You’re so nice!”

Bill nodded and smiled as the woman waved and finally left. She was nice, but took up a whole ten minutes about how much of a fan her daughter Anna was. It was nice to hear, really, but they didn’t have too much time and he wanted to get something to eat before they headed back to his house.

His house.

He knew his mother wondered why he smiled out of the blue every once in a while, but it was still only just hitting him that he owned a house. Not even the fact that Bill wished it was a ‘we’ instead could ruin his good mood. Currently he and Simone were in a furniture store and Bill clutched a few tags from various furniture suites around the store. He didn’t matter how much it would cost, he would get everything delivered today.

The baby kicked and Bill rubbed his stomach gently. She was so damn active all the time, and she never wanted to sleep when he had time to sleep. Bill bit back a yawn and looked up to see his mother looking at him strangely. “What?”

“I’m sorry,” Simone said softly as she ran her hands along a corduroy recliner. She hadn’t seen something so ugly before in her life. “I’m just worried.”

“What about?” Bill wasn’t really paying attention as he fiddled with his choker and gazed at an entertainment system. Did he want a television in the room? Probably; the stairs would be too much to deal with every time he wanted to watch something. He reached over and grabbed a tag and continued on.

“I know you and Tom are going through something right now, but I just wish you’d hold off on moving in since there’s no one living with you. I’m worried something will happen and no one will be around.” Simone paused as a few young women walked up to get autographs before they continued on. “I’m scared. If I hadn’t been home when you passed out the first time then who knows what could’ve happened?”

“It was a growth, it’s gone now.”

“Bill, you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I do.” He stopped and turned to look at his mother. “But what do you want me to do? I have to get everything ready before the baby comes.”

“I know,” Simone said as she nodded. “I just wish you and your brother would patch things up.”

“So do I,” he said softly before he squealed with happiness. “It’s perfect!”

“What? What’s perfect?” Simone looked where he pointed and rolled her eyes. “God, you and leather.”

“It’s absolutely amazing,” Bill cooed as he walked over as fast as he could. It was a very nice leather living room suite that fit his leather fetish to a T. He rubbed his stomach with a happy sigh and quickly snatched up a tag. It was the best one out of all the leather sets he was shown; for a moment he didn’t think he’d find one there, but Bill didn’t want to go home without a furnished living room.

Home.

That still sounded weird in his head but he was absolutely exhilarated.

“I’m glad we’re spending some time together, I was beginning to think you hated me,” Simone said as Bill eased himself down onto the couch and sighed with relief. His feet had been killing him and it was kind of hard to rub your own ankles when you were more than five months along.

“No, I don’t hate you Mom. I never did. I just… you were suffocating me.” Bill looked around at the set and tried to imagine it in his living room. He smiled and nodded. It would go perfect with the décor he had planned.

“I know, I’m sorry.” Simone walked over and helped Bill to his feet with a grin. “Still haven’t gotten the hang of that yet?”

“You couldn’t tell? I feel like I have a bowling ball shoved up my shirt,” he admitted as he braced his hands against his lower back and relieved a bit of pressure. “Shit, could you hold these? I’m going to the bathroom.”

“Do you know where-”

“Saw one on the way in,” Bill said as he interrupted Simone and waddled away. She smiled and shook her head. So many things she missed about being pregnant.

Having a bladder the size of a walnut wasn’t one of them.

 

~*~

 

“…So, are you going to say anything?” Andreas asked quietly as Tom stared at him from across the living room.

“I came here with things I wanted to say and questions I wanted to ask, but I don’t know what to say now.” Tom took a deep breath and tried not to either run out the door or hit his best friend again.  

Best friend.

Stephen told him to try and remember that when he spoke to Andreas again. Tom took a deep breath and tried again. “You’ve already told me why; I don’t understand it but that’s you. I can’t deal with that. I came because… I don’t… know,” he trailed off.

“I’m sorry.” Andreas’ voice was almost swallowed by the silence as Tom sat forward.

“What?”

The bleached blond sighed. “You heard me, I’m sorry; about everything. I had time to think about how you felt and I realized I wasn’t being a very good friend. I ended up lying to myself about my motivation for doing things.”

“Like confessing to my parents that the child was yours?”

“Yes.” Andreas clenched his jaw but continued. “I did want to help, and part of what made that so appealing was because it would force me to be in the situation. I just fucked everything up badly.”

“Yeah, you did.” Tom wasn’t happy; he didn’t feel the way he thought he would. He felt tired and sad and wished this was all over.

“I’ll take it back, just say the word.”

“You’d look like a liar, not just to your parents and my parents, but to the press as well. And Bill would be seen as a liar. No, for better or for worse you’re stuck with us.” Tom smiled and was surprised to find he meant it. “Just… before you have any other bright ideas, check with us first?”

“Absolutely.” Andreas nodded vigorously.

“Jaw healed pretty nice,” the guitarist complimented with a grin and his best friend barked a laugh.

“Oh please, you barely touched me.” The abruptly light mood turned a bit awkward; as if they weren’t sure they could laugh again together just yet. “Look, Tom, I know we’re not cool right now, but I wanted to apologize again. I had no business kissing Bill while he was asleep, no matter what I thought I felt.”

Tom cocked his head. “Wait, what?”

“What?” Andreas blinked nervously.

“You said Bill was asleep?” Tom felt sick to his stomach and was sorely tempted to sock the bleached blond across the face again.

“Yes, I thought you knew that!”

“How was I supposed to know that?” Tom yelled as he stood.

“Because Bill told you; how else?!”

“Oh shit… I didn’t give him a chance to explain,” Tom groaned and put his head in his hands. He wanted to throw up and have a screaming fit all at the same time. This was all his fault.

“Oh shit.”

“He didn’t tell you?” Tom asked as he rose, angry again.

“No, we… we’ve only just made up and even now we’re not back to speaking regularly. And… we wouldn’t have talked about you at all.” Andreas watched Tom pace as he pulled out his phone and dial his twin’s number.  Right after he put it to his ear Tom yelled and almost flung the phone against the wall.

“Fucking voicemail!” he yelled and shoved his phone back into his pocket. “Of course he wouldn’t want to talk to me, shit!” Tom ran to the door and let himself out, Andreas right behind him.

“Tom, calm down, please!” Andreas said as he rushed after him.

Tom turned and shook his head. “No, don’t you get it? I’ve been pissed and upset with Bill since right after you left my house the last time. I didn’t give him a chance to say anything! I was just so sure he’d kissed you back, that he… He must think I’m such a fucking idiot, and I am. Andreas, I might’ve ruined everything.”

“Calm down, you didn’t ruin everything. Just try to call him again, okay?” the bleached blond reassured his best friend. “Just make sure you calm down first.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you later.” Tom climbed into his Escalade and started the car while he dialed Bill’s number again. Just as he was about to press send, Jost’s number popped up. What did he want now? “Hello?” Tom pulled off onto the street towards his house; he hoped Bill would be home so they could talk this out.

“Where the fuck are you?”

“What?” Tom turned the corner with a frown. He didn’t like driving with one hand, but he couldn’t find his Bluetooth earpiece; he’d dropped it some time earlier that week and hadn’t had enough time to look for it. Well, that wasn’t true; Tom was just too lazy to look for it.

“Where are you? The van just went by your house and your mother said you weren’t there.”

“Why- SHIT!” Tom hit the steering wheel in frustration. They had a photo shoot scheduled in London. It was a quick one, but the situation was already out of hand. “David, I can’t go to England right now,” he said and tried not to scream at the red light.

“What do you mean you can’t go to London? Are you in your car?”

“…Yeah…”

“Then get your skinny ass to Hamburg now. You’ll probably make it there at the same time as us, or so help me god if you’re not on that plane I’ll make your life a living hell, you hear me?”

Tom could practically feel the spittle fly out of their manager’s mouth, and gritted his teeth. “Fine,” he ground out and closed his phone quickly. The light turned green and he stared at it briefly before turning around and going back to the Autobahn. The photo shoot couldn’t have come at a worse time, but at least Bill would be there. Then he would apologize and make it up to his twin for the whole month he’d had his head stuck up his ass. “I’m coming Bill,” he said to the air as he hit the highway.

~*~

“Bill, this is me. Please pick up. I thought you were coming on the photo shoot but I just found out you’re not. I wanted to apologize in person but if I have to I’ll do it over the phone. Just please call me. Please.” Tom hung up the phone and for the twentieth time in a row he glared at the back of David’s head. Apparently he could feel the heat of his gaze because he turned around and frowned.

“You can stop looking at me like that now. It’s not my fault that you forgot we had something planned today.” David turned around just in time to intercept a call from the label.

Tom felt itchy and hot and irritated; he knew his mood wouldn’t be conducive to the business they had in London, but he couldn’t help it. The no phone sign came on in the cabin and for now Tom had to stop calling his brother.

~*~

“They did a good job, didn’t they?” he asked his daughter as he walked around the house. It was still sparsely furnished but that would change as Bill added pieces he liked and did some painting. The living room suite he picked out that morning looked sensational in the living room, and all he needed was a television in the living room and his bedroom and he’d be set.

His mother harped on the necessity of dishes and cooking utensils but Bill didn’t really see the point, it would be take out for him anyway. Put him next to a pot and some hot water and he’d find a way to boil it. Sometimes. He could make grilled cheese. At that thought Bill’s stomach growled and he rubbed it gently as he walked into the kitchen. It was large and perfect for entertaining; that excited Bill when they saw the place but for the life of him he couldn’t figure out what he’d do in there besides show it off.

Maybe it didn’t matter, it was his first house, and he’d get around to using every room eventually. “Isn’t that right, Rebecca? Are you a Rebecca?” His daughter didn’t answer and Bill shrugged. “I’ll find you a name, and maybe even a middle name since your grandmother was too lazy to give me and your father one.

Bill’s heart tightened at the thought of Tom and he immediately quelled the emotion. He looked out the back door to the yard and smiled. It was nice, the pool dominated most of it but where there wasn’t smooth, blue colored stone there was lush green grass, even in the middle of summer. He flipped on the lights that lit the pool area and turned them off, then flipped the switch for the lights on the path from the door to the lounge area next to the pool and turned them off.

As happy as Bill felt playing with the lights, it wasn’t nearly as fun if Tom wasn’t there rolling his eyes and calling him a baby while he waited for his turn. “How about we go upstairs? I’m not hungry, and I think that grumble was gas.” Bill grabbed a carton of Chinese take out any way and demolished the sweet and sour chicken on the way upstairs.

He walked into the largest bedroom, the master bedroom, and smiled. His bed was an emperor sized affair with four posters in dark ebony wood. Bill had ordered it online weeks ago and it finally arrived that morning. While he and Simone had been out shopping for furniture and odds and ends for the rest of the house Gordon had kindly taken it upon himself to put it together. It looked beautiful with the new sheets and comforter that he and his mother had picked out, a rich and shiny black.

He was exhausted and was sorely tempted to go to bed and take a shower in the morning, but the grime of shopping was all over Bill and he didn’t want to ruin his new sheets and comforter with furniture store dust. Even his hair felt dusty as he pulled off his clothes and looked at himself in the mirror. The skin on Bill’s stomach looked shiny and stretched as he rubbed the dull ache on his lower abdomen. His daughter was in there, his and Tom’s of course, and she was growing fast.

Bill sighed and walked into the spacious bathroom and smiled. It was more beautiful than he remembered, and after Gordon and his mother had left, Bill had spent a few minutes just staring at his bathroom. The tub was huge, a marble monstrosity fit for almost four people by the size of it. The shower was on the other side of the bathroom and had a built in audio system for the ultimate bathing experience. Bill didn’t want a shower, he wanted a bath. He leaned over and turned on the water very warm and watched as the tub filled quickly. When it was more than high enough he turned it off and admired the sight yet again.

There wasn’t too much that was better than a really good soak in a fabulous tub.

Bill caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and turned away as he grabbed onto the handrail and lowered himself slowly into the tub. The warm water felt so good to his aching muscles, especially his feet, that Bill couldn’t help but moan out loud. The water lapped over his stomach and he idly wondered if his daughter felt like she was swimming inside of him. Bill was almost too tired to soap his body up but he managed, but soon fell asleep as his muscles released their knots.

*

Bill awoke with a shiver, and looked around uncomprehendingly. He didn’t recognize his surroundings at first until the memory of the day crashed down on him. He was at his house, his first night there and he was alone and naked in the cold water of his huge bathtub. Bill groaned and sneezed as goose bumps broke out all over his arms and the tops of his breasts, almost everywhere that wasn’t submerged in the water. How long had he been asleep? Bill sneezed again and decided it was time to get out of the bath.

He reached up for the handrail and tried to haul himself up, but he slid back down the back of the tub, into the water with a small splash. Bill gritted his teeth and tried again to the same result. Shit. He couldn’t call anyone to come and help him out of the tub, he’d practically freeze to death before anyone would come and the water was increasingly uncomfortable as he thought about that. Shit, maybe his mother was right and it wasn’t safe for him to stay in the house by himself. If anyone else had been here he could’ve just yelled until they came.

He was alone, and he would have to remember that.

But twenty minutes later Bill was crying as he tried to figure out a way out of the tub. Doctor Robert told him to be careful about moving around; women had a higher center of gravity than men, it allowed them to carry children and stay balanced fairly easily. Since his center of gravity was lower his increasingly bulky middle threw off his balance and he was unable to compensate for it due to the water and slippery surface of the marble tub.

Finally Bill had the bright idea to turn over onto his knees. Even though the position pulled at his back and made his stomach feel weird, he cradled his midsection and reached for the handle bar again and tried to pull himself up. It didn’t work and Bill put one hand on the tub and the other on the handrail and pushed until he was in some semblance of a standing position. His arms shook and he felt dizzy but Bill was quite proud of himself as he delicately stepped out of the tub and onto the fuzzy rug his mother told him he needed in the bathroom. As soon as both feet were on the ground Bill shivered in relief and desperately wished Tom was there with him.

~*~

Tom put his hand to his chest and took a deep breath. Some feeling had pulled him out of a fitful sleep in the middle of the night. They were in a hotel and would return to Germany in the afternoon; Tom couldn’t wait, especially since Bill was still avoiding his calls. He couldn’t really blame him; if roles were reversed he’d never have sex with himself again.

But whatever woke him from his restless sleep had passed, and Tom frowned in the dark room and tried to go back to sleep. Perhaps in his dreams he could think of something so eloquent that Bill would have no choice but to take him back.

He would need his guitar.

~*~

Bill opened the door to a frowning Andreas. “What?” he asked defensively.

“Why didn’t you pick your phone?” he asked testily.

“It didn’t ring!”

“It went straight to voicemail,” the bleached blond shot back.

“Oh crap, I think I forgot to turn it back on,” Bill said sheepishly as he blushed. “I’m sorry, you tried to call?”

“Yeah, I did, four times.” Andreas took a deep breath and tried to relax. “I was worried about you.”

The irony wasn’t lost on Bill who merely shrugged and smiled softly. “Sorry.” He looked beyond his best friend to his car in the driveway and saw there was someone in the passenger seat. “Who’s that?”

“Oh, yeah that’s Marisa; she’s someone I knew from school. She always had a crush on me, and I wasn’t really interested but now, since so much has changed, I thought I’d give her a chance.” The tips of Andreas’ ears were burning red and Bill couldn’t help but grin at him.

“She’s really beautiful,” he said truthfully and let his friend in. “I’m really glad to see you getting out there and dating.”

“Yes, Mom.” The teen rolled his eyes and looked around. “Wow, you weren’t kidding when you said it was big.”

“I just wanted a wide open house, something that would never feel stuffy. I’m on a tour bus and in hotel rooms enough; I didn’t want my house to feel like that too,” Bill said proudly as he watched Andreas touch the couch.

“How’d I know you’d get leather?” he asked with a laugh.

“Probably because you’ve known me almost my whole life, that’s why.”

Andreas nodded. “My mother won’t stop bitching at the fact you moved to Berlin. She’s pissed and feels like she should’ve been consulted before the move.”

“No offense, but your mother is getting on my nerves,” Bill said as he followed Andreas into the kitchen.

“Nice…” he said as he opened an empty cabinet. “None taken, dude, she gets on my nerves.” Andreas closed the cabinet and smiled. “I’m going to run upstairs, okay?”

“Yeah, I’m going to stay down here, my legs are already hurting and I don’t want to go up those steps so soon.” Bill sat down at the kitchen table and waited on his friend to return. He didn’t have long to wait as a few minutes passed and Andreas bounded back into the kitchen.

“Dude, your tub is huge.”

Bill rolled his eyes and made a face, “Yeah, I know. Come on, want to see the pool?”

“You have a pool too?”

“Of course, my house warming party will definitely be a pool party.” Bill led Andreas out of the back door and out into the manicured back yard. “Isn’t it nice?”

“The pool is fucking huge. You can have so many cool parties here!” he said excitedly before he caught himself and looked at Bill. “I mean, you know-”

“We can definitely have a few parties.” Bill nodded vigorously. He knew it would be a moment before their relationship fell back into a relaxed groove, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t make it a bit easier. He’d missed Andreas; over the past month they hadn’t really spoken to each other despite their understanding Bill had always thought that Andreas would be an almost permanent houseguest.

He also hadn’t thought he’d be pregnant, so nothing ever quite turned out as planned.

“I think everyone would really love a pool party. It’s hot as hell out here.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Bill, did you turn your phone on yet?”

“Oops, I totally forgot. I think it’s on the kitchen counter.” Bill turned to go back into the house but Andreas stopped him.

“I’ll go get it.” Andreas smiled and jogged back into the kitchen. He looked at his watch and blanched. He promised Marisa that they’d catch lunch and a movie while in the city and if he didn’t get a move on he’d be late for dinner at home. He swiped Bill’s iPhone from the counter and ran back out to the singer with a smile. “Nice phone,” Andreas said as he handed Bill his phone.

“Thanks, it’s the one Tom-” Bill screeched as the delicate device slipped out of his hand and hit the stone below. “Oh shit, I just got that phone!”

“Oh fuck,” Andreas groaned as he reached down and picked up the injured gadget. He blew it off and sent up a quick prayer before he powered it on. It came on brilliantly and quickly shut down again. Andreas tried to start it up again but it refused to respond. “Shit Bill, your phone is dead.”

“Crap. I can’t seem to keep my hands on anything lately. I don’t know what’s fucking wrong with me.”

“It’ll be okay, but you should use my phone to call Tom.” Andreas fished his out of his pocket and handed it to the raven haired teen.

“Why am I calling Tom?” Bill asked flatly as his best friend tried to push his phone into his hands.

“Because he’s been trying to get in touch with you; please, just call him.”

Bill snatched the phone and pressed Tom’s speed dial. The phone rang once before going straight to voicemail. “You know what, here. I just…” He shook his head and blinked back the tears that prickled behind his eyelids. “You’ve seen everything; I think I want to take a nap.”

“Is your home phone on?” Andreas tried as he let himself get herded back towards the house.

“Yes, but I don’t have a phone yet, go figure. It was nice to see you again, Andi, but I’m exhausted and I think I’m going to go to bed.”

“Yeah, okay. Bye Bill,” Andreas managed to get out as he walked through the house back towards the living room and the front door. Bill looked grim and on the verge of tears and without ceremony he shoved Andreas out and closed the door behind him.

“Fucking Tomi,” he whispered as the first tear fell. Bill had his hope up so high when the phone rang, just to have it dashed when the voicemail picked up. Never again; if Tom wanted to talk to him then he’d have to come see him in person.

~*~

Simone breathed a sigh of relief to be in air conditioning again and smiled sadly at the silent house. It was a different sort of silent than when the boys went on tour; the silence merely waited to be destroyed, her boys would be back. But now one was in Hamburg and one in Berlin; it was just she and Gordon now. Simone put her keys in the bowl and almost tripped over a black suitcase. “Tom?” she asked hesitantly and her older son peeked sleepily over the top of the sofa with his locks piled on top of his head.

“Mom?” He rubbed his eyes and yawned.

“When did you get in, sweetie?” she asked as she came over and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“This afternoon; I just closed my eyes for a little bit, I wanted to try and catch Bill when he came back in. Where is he?” Tom rubbed his face and tried to wake up. Jet lag hit him all of a sudden when he arrived at home; it was a cumulative effect from the past few months. He felt like he’d been through the wringer on the plane and all he wanted to do was fall asleep in Bill’s arms.

“He… moved. Bill lives in Berlin now,” Simone said softly.

Tom blinked and was fully awake. “Did you say he moved? Who is he living with?”

“No one, just himself. I don’t approve, who knows what could happen while there is no one around but your brother didn’t want to listen.”

“What’s the address?” Tom rubbed the crust out of his eyes and shoved his feet back into his shoes and laced them up angrily. If he had known that, he could’ve cut down time and he wouldn’t have crashed there on the couch. He looked around and realized it was later than he thought, the sun was already down. “Shit, how long did I sleep?” He stood up and stretched.

“Tom, do you think you’re up to such a drive tonight? I don’t want anything to happen to you on the way there, and Bill will still be there when you wake up.” Simone realized her son wasn’t going to listen and she sighed and wished she’d come home earlier. “Come on; let me make you some coffee.”

~*~

Bill opened his eyes and kept still to see if he could hear the sound again. He didn’t know what it was but it startled him out of a deep sleep. The baby had kicked all evening and he was sore and tired and now that he’d finally gotten to sleep something woke him up again. Bill sighed and closed his eyes again and drifted off.

Again, the sound woke him up and this time he knew what it was; the doorbell. He slid off the bed carefully and pulled on his robe. He had enjoyed a brief stroll around his house naked before he went to bed; it was something he told himself when he was really young that he would do when he got his own home and now he was able to do it. But he couldn’t answer the door that way. He yawned again and as the doorbell sounded through the empty house and he grumbled. It better had been an emergency or he wasn’t going to be able to be held responsible for his actions.

Bill held onto the railing and eased down the steps and hoped that the baby would remain asleep if he didn’t jar himself too much. He got to the ground floor and through the frosted glass he could see someone’s shadow from the street lights. Briefly Bill thought that maybe he didn’t know his midnight visitor, and he saw a cardboard box labeled ‘Awards’. He grabbed an Echo and hefted it in his hand. It wasn’t that heavy but it was sharp and would hurt while he made a run for it in his robe.

He grasped the award at the base and opened the peep hole. He couldn’t see the person’s face, Bill forgot that the piece of film over the glass had to be removed; it was a new peep hole and he was supposed to have done that yesterday. Bill frowned and said, “Who is it?”

“Me.”

Bill knew that voice anywhere. He wrenched open the door and choked back his tears.

“Tomi,” he whispered.

Author's Chapter Notes:

A step in the right direction.

“Leave me alone, Bill.”

“But Tomi-”

“No. You got me in trouble!” Tom sniffed and wiped his eyes. Their mother had yelled at him because he ate two cupcakes when she told him they were for after dinner. In actuality he hadn’t touched the dessert, but Bill had and he couldn’t give up his twin.

“I’m sorry. I am!” Bill’s wide eyed expression spoke of pure innocence but the white frosting on the hem of his shirt told another story. “I just wanted one.”

“Mom said she was going to give us one for after dinner!”

“I know, but I wanted one now.”

Tom turned away from Bill and looked out the window. Mom had said he couldn’t have dessert and that wasn’t fair, he hadn’t had a chance to have a cupcake. Bill would get three. “So you get me in trouble.”

“I didn’t mean to, Tomi.”

“Leave me alone.”

“No! Tomi, please!” Bill’s eyes welled up and he scooted closer. “I’m sorry. I’ll go tell Mom right now.”

Tom turned and shook his head. He couldn’t stand the thought of Bill being on punishment instead of him. He’d cry. “No, don’t. It’s okay, I didn’t want a cupcake anyway,” Tom said hastily.

“You didn’t?” Bill sniffed and wiped his face with his sleeve.

“No, I didn’t.” That was a lie. Tom had wanted one ever since they came out of the oven, but he didn’t want Bill to cry. He never wanted Bill to cry.

“Oh, okay. I’ll bring you some toys.” Bill nodded and gave him a messy kiss on the cheek and practically stumbled over him to run upstairs and get some toys. Tom smiled but he really wanted a cupcake.

 

“Bill,” Tom croaked out and cleared his throat. He’d ended up smoking a whole pack of cigarettes on the way over when the coffee had worn off halfway through the trip.

He watched Bill lick his lips nervously and clutch the top of his robe together. “Hi.”

Tom nodded. “Hi,” he said breathlessly; Tom stepped over the threshold and kissed Bill desperately, and rejoiced when his twin wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him closer as he kissed back. But the euphoria was short lived when Bill pushed him back.

“No, no.” Bill shook his head as if to clear it and pushed him away again, just a bit harder. “I can’t think when you kiss me; it’s not that simple.”

“I just…” Tom trailed off as he realized Bill was serious, and suddenly the air was awkward. “I’m sorry, I haven’t…”

“Yeah, I get it.” Bill looked down at his hand and realized it was still on Tom’s chest and he pulled it away as if burned. Inside his heart jumped for joy; Tom was back and he felt more complete than he had in a long time. But the voice Stephen told him to listen to the voice that said this situation wasn’t resolved yet. “What are you doing here?” he decided to ask.

“I talked to Andreas.”

“Oh?” That came out a tad colder than Bill intended and he could see Tom flinch.

“Yes. Can I come in? I’m letting the air out,” he said and Bill realized they were still in the open doorway.

“Yeah, sorry; I’m sleepy.” Bill stepped out of the way and realized it felt so weird to give Tom permission to come into a house that he felt was his anyway. He closed the door and rested his forehead against it before he turned around to face his twin. “You talked to Andreas? Another fight?”

“No, more like we made up… sort of. He,” Tom broke off and took a deep breath before he tried again. “He told me that you were asleep when he kissed you.”

“Oh, you actually listened to someone? That’s a shock.” Bill looked away and realized he still was holding the Echo in his hand; he gripped it so tightly his knuckles were white. The singer took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he turned on the light and put the statuette back in its box.

“I deserved that. I’m sorry, Bill, so sorry. I should’ve listened to you.” Tom grabbed his wrist and sighed as Bill pulled it out of his grasp.

“You didn’t even give me a chance to explain. Then you almost hit me. I’m supposed to just think it’s okay? What if you decide to hit me for real?” Bill asked lowly as he stared at the fireplace.

Tom swallowed and felt like he wanted to throw up. This wasn’t going the way he thought it would. “I… I have no excuse for what I did, I just snapped and I realized I almost made a horrific mistake. I was so fucked up Bill, I still am. I’ve been such an ass and I don’t know how to apologize for it.”

“Find a way,” Bill said simply and padded over to his new living room suite and sank into the comfortable couch. “We have time.”

Tom closed his eyes briefly before he went to join his twin on the couch. He thought better of it and sat down in the chair next to it. Something told him Bill wanted him to keep his distance, but Tom wanted to cradle Bill in his arms and kiss him until he felt better. “I’ve been such an ass,” he said aloud and Bill looked up from where he toyed with the belt of his robe.

“I never thought you wouldn’t listen to me. I didn’t know what was going on and all you did was yell at me. Did you know how scared I was? I’ve never been scared of you before but that day… in the kitchen you were someone else. Not my brother.”

“I can’t explain it. I didn’t feel normal. I just, I think I snapped, seriously.” Tom choked on tears that welled up out of nowhere and he coughed to cover it. “I’ve gone through so many emotions I don’t really remember that day much. I remember hitting Andreas, and I remember storming out. The rest comes in flashes that I feel like I’m watching; it doesn’t really seem like I was there.”

“I don’t know if you were.” Bill shifted around and pulled his legs up beneath his body. “I missed you so much, and then I would remember that look in your eye when you were about to hit me and I would feel ill, but fuck if I didn’t still miss you.”

“Bill…”

“No. I can’t do this tonight,” he said as he scooted forward and rose from the couch. “I need to get to sleep while the baby is still or I won’t get any rest. I’m exhausted and I can’t even say you should’ve called first because I broke my fucking phone and I haven’t gone to get a new one yet.” Bill looked like he didn’t know what to do with his hands and Tom could only sit there and look at him.

“Are you kicking me out?” he asked neutrally and Bill rolled his eyes.

“No. Your room is the second door on the right.”

“My room?”

“We have a lot of things to talk about, don’t you think?” Bill asked pointedly and Tom blushed.

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Yeah. I’m going to bed before I do something stupid.” Bill turned towards the stairs but stopped when he felt Tom right behind him. “What are you doing?” he asked as his eyes fluttered shut. Tom felt warm and familiar and right now it would be nice to have both of those in his huge bed. Bill never thought he would have to sleep in it alone.

“I… I need you. I just…” Tom reached out and touched the sleeve of Bill’s robe and realized his hand shook.

“We will talk about this later.” Bill gritted his teeth and started up the stairs without a look back. Tom closed his eyes and couldn’t help but think he deserved everything he got tonight. At least Bill hadn’t kicked him out, to be honest he didn’t know what would happen but he was totally prepared to go get a hotel room.

Tom heard a door close and took the stairs two at a time and looked around the second floor. He remembered the house from when Ariel showed it to them, they’d both loved it because three of the rooms had their own bathroom and the one that didn’t was the perfect size for a nursery. He walked to the master bedroom’s door and wondered what would happen if he walked in and climbed into bed with Bill.

All of his body screamed for him to do it, but Tom knew that wasn’t a good idea. After a few minutes he began to feel like an idiot and went to his room. He opened the door and wasn’t surprised to find it furnished. Bill might not use something, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want it fully functional and prepared. A queen sized bed with blue comforter and pillows, matching bedroom set. It looked nice, but impersonal. Everything smelled new and Tom wondered if it was symbolic or just unfortunate.

His body ached and his head hurt but most of all his stomach wouldn’t stop rolling. Tom stumbled into the bathroom and idly realized his mother must have decorated the bathroom as he lifted the toilet cover and threw up the coffee and some horrible Danish thing he picked up at a gas station on the way in. Tom spat into the toilet and felt immensely better as he rinsed out his mouth and looked at himself in the mirror. “You knew this wasn’t going to be easy,” he said to his reflection and took oof his caps and ran his fingers through his locks.

Tom could still feel Bill on his lips, feel him in his arms and wanted to cry. He glanced up at his reflection and turned away. The bags under his eyes looked gross and he felt like a ghost haunting his body. This whole situation felt surreal but at least he was near Bill.

At least.

~*~

Bill felt like a prisoner in his own home. He wanted to go out and greet Tom and actually sit down and talk about things; but then again every time he thought about it he became exhausted and couldn’t get out of the bed except to pee. He was starved and really needed to go downstairs and get something to eat but that would mean maybe running into his brother.

Fuck it. It was his house and he’d go wherever the hell he wanted to. Besides, Doctor Robert said whenever he was hungry he should eat. Bill groaned and half yelled into one of his many pillows before he slid out of the bed and rubbed his eyes. Immediately he felt tired but Bill forced himself to shower and dress.

He looked at the clock and realized it was earlier than he’d figured, almost nine thirty in the morning. Tom wouldn’t be awake at this hour, not if he could help it and there was nothing on the band calendar so he should be sleeping for quite a while. Hell, if the baby hadn’t been trying out for the marching band, Bill would still be asleep too.

Bill ventured out and saw that Tom’s door was still closed. That meant he was asleep and that meant no conversation right now. The singer went downstairs and finished off some leftover Chinese and swore he would go to the grocery store. He had a whole refrigerator to fill and for some reason that excited Bill. It was his refrigerator.

Their refrigerator, he reminded himself.

~*~

Tom opened his eyes and realized he was sprawled out far too much to still be on his bed. He looked around and last night stepped forward in his mind and he groaned and buried his head in the pillows again. He pulled his phone over and glared at the display. It was one in the afternoon, so why did Tom still feel tired?

He rolled over and sat up as his heart began to beat wildly. The talk; it was going to happen today. Did Bill want to talk still? Or maybe he would kick him out and Tom couldn’t really blame him if he did. But the thought made his chest heavy and he didn’t want to think about it anymore. But it was all his mind called up for inspection; Tom thought about last night and analyzed everything that happened and everything that didn’t.

Bill did kiss him back, that was a positive thing, wasn’t it?

Tom didn’t know what to think as he pulled his clothes back on and trotted downstairs. He took a second to look at the living room and smiled at the furniture. It was all dark wood and black leather; Tom had always loved dark wood and Bill insisted there would be a lot of leather in his house. Their house. His house. There were boxes against the far wall, awards and random things from his room. It still was quiet and felt empty and Tom saw a torn piece of paper taped to the door with packing tape. He pried it off the glass and read it.

Went to the store I’ll be back

Bill

Tom opened the door and checked for his car, irrationally wondering if Bill had decided to drive himself. But no, it was there in the driveway exactly where he’d parked it the night before. So how was he at the store? Tom scratched his head and closed the door, thoroughly confused. He didn’t have long to wallow in his bewilderment because as soon as he ventured into the kitchen he heard the front door open and Bill breezed in with a few bags and Tom stopped to look at him.

The clothes he wore made him look fat rather than pregnant, and his hair was pulled up and tucked under the baseball cap on his head. The glasses on Bill’s face were so large you could barely see anything but his nose and mouth; he didn’t even look like himself. “You’re awake,” Bill said as he took off his disguise.

“Yeah, just woke up.” Tom felt off kilter as he waited for an explanation that didn’t seem forthcoming. There was a bit of silence as Bill fixed his hair and rummaged around his bags before he produced a cardboard carton.

“I got you lunch because I finished the Chinese this morning and there’s nothing to really eat here yet.” Bill handed him the food and blushed as he realized Tom was staring. “Did you sleep well?”

“Shit Bill, are we really doing the small talk thing again? It makes me feel stupid.” Tom leaned against the doorway between the hallway and the kitchen and looked down at his bare feet.

“I don’t know how to talk about this. I thought we could work our way up to it but apparently we can’t.” Bill looked flustered and irritated and he felt a momentary pang of guilt.

“How did you get to the restaurant?”

“It’s right around the corner. I had to go get a new phone and I had the cab drop me off at the restaurant and I walked the rest of the way.”

“Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“Because you were asleep,” Bill said simply and moved further into the kitchen. Tom followed him as he didn’t quite understand the statement.

“You could’ve woken me up,” he reiterated softly and Bill shook his head quickly.

“No, not until we talk.”

“I will say I’m sorry as long as it takes,” Tom said seriously and a ghost of a smile graced Bill’s lips.

“That’s not just it. Tom, why didn’t you tell me about what you were going through? Why did you let me think you were okay?”

Tom recoiled as if struck and shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Tough. All the cards on the table, Tom; what we were doing wasn’t working so that means we have to try something new, be something new. You’re so fucking stubborn; we could’ve had this conversation a few weeks ago if you’d just listened to me.”

“I’m sorry,” Tom repeated softly and sat down in a chair across from where Bill stood.

The vocalist shook his head and looked down at his new phone. “Why didn’t you listen to me?”

“I was mad at you.” Stephen told him that absolute honesty was the only way to go if he wanted to mend things with Bill.

“I didn’t know Andreas kissed me.”

“That was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was mad at you for a lot of things.”

“Wow.” Bill nodded slowly and crossed his arms. “What were you mad at me about?”

“It seemed like everything Andreas did to complicate our lives, you went along with. I thought you wanted to replace me with him. I felt like you didn’t care about what I was going through and I felt like the only person between the both of us that cared about your health.” Bill went to interrupt but Tom stood up. “And what made me angriest was the nagging suspicion that I was the only one of us that really loved our baby.”

“What?”

“Deny it. Deny it and I’ll believe you,” Tom said quickly as he leaned over the table.”Tell me I’m wrong and I’ll never bring it up again.”

Bill looked away and clenched his jaw. His grip on the chair in front of him was turning his knuckles white. “That’s a complicated subject.”

“I know. I know it’s complicated. We don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about anything really.”

“You could’ve just told me this earlier.”

“I couldn’t. I didn’t think you wanted to hear it and honestly I felt like I had to be the strong one in the relationship.”

Bill scoffed. “Getting nosebleeds is ‘being strong’? I guess I missed that memo.”

“Fuck you, Bill.”

“That’s how we got in this situation, remember?” he retorted. Tom looked shocked and went to respond when he doubled over with laughter. Bill cracked an involuntary smile and laughed too; but soon the laughter dried up and the tense silence returned. “Tomi, I’m different now. I can’t say that I love our daughter with all my heart right now, but I’m getting there. The mere idea of it doesn’t turn my stomach as much as it used to. I can imagine raising her to be a cool kid that I would actually be proud of. But it’s not going to happen overnight. It’s just not.”

“I feel guilty all the time, Bill. Half the time I worry I forced you to keep the baby and wonder if you’d be happier if I’d let you abort her like you wanted to.”

“I wasn’t sure I wanted to,” Bill said tightly before he pulled his chair out and sat down with a sigh. “I wasn’t sure. I’m not sure now. I’m scared about everything.”

“Me too,” Tom admitted and groaned. “I kept pushing everything down and I told myself I would tell you what I was feeling but it just kept building and things kept happening and suddenly I had to worry about your health. It became easier to shove things away and not deal with them than sit down and actually talk about what was bothering me.”

“What happened that you thought you couldn’t talk to me?” Bill asked earnestly. “I don’t understand it; we tell each other everything. Or we used to. We could tell each other the craziest, must fucked up things and now we’ve become strangers.”

Tom flinched. “Strangers?”

“Strangers, Tom. When was the last time we sat down and had a conversation? Spent some time together that didn’t end up in an argument? Or didn’t happen in a car?”

“A long time.”

“Yeah. A long time. I told Stephen that I thought you would tell me if you couldn’t handle something, if you needed help. Before everything hit the fan I started to wonder otherwise. I hate I didn’t see it before.”

“I’ve been seeing Stephen,” Tom said quietly and Bill blinked.

“Like, as a patient?” Bill asked, surprised. Tom nodded and he smiled. “Does it help?”

“I haven’t had a panic attack in a while, and the nosebleeds have stopped.”

“Shit, Tom. I wish I had paid attention to you. I was so wrapped up in everything that I’m going through that I forgot it affected you. It’s your child too.” Bill took a deep breath and wiped his eyes. “I’m leaking and now I’ve got to go to the bathroom. Shit.” He stood up and walked down the hall as quickly as possible.

When Bill finished he opened the door and was surprised to see Tom there. “I’m sorry Bill,” he said again earnestly. “I’m not the same person I was before.”

“Neither am I. I didn’t realize how much of a selfish brat I was.” Bill rolled his eyes as they walked back to the living room.

“You weren’t that bad.”

“I think I was. Tom, are we going to be good parents?” he asked out of the blue.

Tom shrugged and helped Bill sit down before he joined him on the couch. “I have no idea. But we have to be. I don’t want a brat for a kid.”

“God, me neither. Remember that kid we saw at the grocery store that time? Pitching a fit on the floor like an animal and all his father did was stand there helplessly?” Bill grimaced with distaste as he rubbed his stomach.

“So help me god that won’t be me,” Tom promised. “If I’d had a belt on I would’ve beat the child myself.”

Bill laughed and shook his head. “I wouldn’t have touched him with my belt, he looked sticky.”

“I forgot about that,” Tom laughed. Again the hilarity flickered away, but this time the silence felt almost normal. “I miss us.”

“So do I.”

“I want you to take me back.”

“I want to, too.”

Tom cocked his head and closed his eyes. “I hear a but.”

“It’s going to take some time, Tom. This isn’t going to be solved with one conversation, no matter how much I want that to be the case. It’s not just me here. We, your daughter and I, need to feel safe. I can’t tell you how it felt to realize that I was scared of you. I’ve never been scared of you before.”

Tom looked down at his lap and screwed his face up against the impending headache. “I’m trying to remember to understand where you’re coming from.”

“I appreciate that. I never wanted us to be over, that was you. But I’m willing to work it out.”

“Bill, you sound like it might not work. How could it not, it’s us!” The guitarist didn’t like the tone of Bill’s voice. It sounded unsure. It hurt his heart in more ways than he could say.

“Tell me something, Tom. When we were apart, were you relieved?” Bill asked softly. Tom opened his mouth to state the otherwise but that would’ve been a lie and he was tired of lying to his twin.

“Yes,” he whispered.

Bill nodded. “So was I.”

Tom closed his eyes again and rested his head on the back of the couch. “What do we do?”

“Take it one day at a time, that’s all I’ve been able to do.”

“Yeah.”

Bill looked at his twin and pulled him closer. He looked into those beautiful brown eyes and smiled gently. “Everything happens for a reason, remember?”

“You and your fate,” Tom said quietly as he rubbed his nose against Bill’s. “Are we fated?” His heart pounded and his brain screamed that he didn’t want to know the answer to the question but his heart won the chance to speak this time.

“I would like to think so.” Bill’s eyes fluttered shut and Tom could feel them fan against his cheek as he turned and pressed an almost nonexistent kiss against the corner of the raven haired teen’s mouth. He could feel just the barest swell of Bill’s bottom lip but he didn’t push the kiss as they sat there and just breathed each other’s air. Bill turned his face as he fisted more of Tom’s oversized tee shirt and the twins shared their first closed mouth kiss in quite a long time. He sighed against Tom and pushed him away gently. “Go.”

“What?” Tom panicked, but before he could say anything Bill put his finger on his lips and rolled his eyes.

“Go get your stuff. I still want to take this slow, but I don’t want to live alone anymore.”

Tom nodded and hugged Bill carefully. “I’ll go get dressed and I’ll be back tonight.”

“I’ll be here,” Bill said and realized that now his house felt like a home.

~*~

“Three days.”

“That’s wonderful.” Stephen smiled and made a few notes.

“I’m so afraid of fucking it up,” Tom said nervously.

“Why?”

~~

“Because I fuck things up,” Bill said seriously as he picked with the arm of the couch. Stephen frowned and paused in his note taking.

“Don’t say things like that. Generalizing things never solved anything.”

“Sorry, you’re right. I’m just really nervous. I want this to work.”

“What are the sleeping arrangements?”

~~

“I’m in the guest bedroom for now.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Honestly? I was crushed at first.”

“And now?”

“Fucking excited to be in the house.” Tom smiled.

“Does it feel different?”

~~

“I’m not sure yet. I’m different. I know that. I’m just afraid that I’ll start to rely on him again and he’ll leave me.” Bill finished off his water bottle and screwed the cap on.

“Are you slipping into old behavior?”

“Nope! I do things on my own, and I give him space.” Bill smiled proudly.

“Good, I’m glad to hear it. What’s been the response?”

~~

“It confused the hell out of me at first. I’m used to getting him around.”

“How did you feel?”

“Like maybe he didn’t need me anymore.”

“And now?”

“It’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

~~

“I went to the grocery store myself.” Bill sounded so proud. “And I got fruits and vegetables. And then I realized something when I got home.”

“What?”

“I can’t cook.”

Stephen laughed. “What about Tom?”

~~

“Hell no, I’ll burn the house down.” Tom snorted and shook his head quickly.

“So what are you going to do about food? I’m sure you could afford to eat out every night but that’s not always healthy.”

“I think we should get a housekeeper. I don’t want Bill to rely on take out all the time, and I think he’s losing weight again. That worries me.”

“It’s normal for pregnancy weight to fluctuate. Your brother is naturally slender and with the run around of getting the house together he’s more active. I’m sure that Robert has told him to monitor his caloric intake and Bill will gain it right back.”

“Yeah. I just worry.”

~~

“He worries.” Bill shrugged and played with the empty bottle in his hands.

“Do you?”

“I’m doing everything I’m supposed to. I’m taking the weight gain shake crap that Robert gave me. I can’t help it.”

“Well, that’s good.” Stephen nodded. “Has your mood changed now that Tom is in the house?”

“Yes. I’m trying to take it slow. When I see him I want him to take care of me and wrap me up tight so I don’t have to think or do anything. I know that’s bad, but it’s there,” Bill admitted.

“As long as you identify the thoughts before they become behavior you’re free to think whatever you want. Now you’re aware of the selfish nature of your previous mindset; it’s still a struggle and it will be difficult. I’m proud of you so far and you should be too.”

Bill blushed. “Thanks,” he mumbled.

“Just remember Bill, try and enjoy your pregnancy. There’s nothing wrong with a little pampering and there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel taken care of. It’s just a matter of looking out for the possibility that you’re stepping on someone else’s wellbeing.”

~*~

Tom looked up and smiled at Bill at the door. “Hey,” he said quietly as he pulled back the comforter and sheet. Sleep looked better and better as the minutes wore on as Tom bit back a yawn.

“Hey. I just wanted to check on you, make sure everything’s okay.” Bill watched his twin prepare for bed with a small smile. He’d missed this, the random things Tom did as he went about his life. The details that were the background noise to his life.

“Yeah, I’m good. How about you? Are you feeling okay?” Tom stopped and watched Bill shift his weight from one foot to the next under his gaze. He wore a big tee shirt and a pair of boxer shorts, and Tom tried not to stare at Bill’s breasts. They’d grown since the last time he’d really seen them.

“Fine,” the singer said hastily and Tom glanced down at Bill’s bare feet. The ankles looked a bit swollen and Tom sighed.

“Do your feet hurt, Bill?”

“A little,” he admitted; as if he were caught in a lie.

“I could give you a massage if you want. A quick one and then I’ll come back into my room,” Tom promised quickly.

Bill bit his lip and nodded. He really did want relief and Tom’s hands were heaven on anything that ached. It had been so long and Bill found himself excited in more ways than one as Tom followed him back to his room. He pulled the covers back and climbed into the bed; Bill knew after Tom was done he would probably be knocked out and wanted to make it as easy as possible for his brother to leave him.

Tom climbed into the huge bed and chuckled. “I remember you said you wanted the biggest sized bed you could get,” he said as he looked around the room.

“Yeah.” Bill settled himself against the mountain of pillows behind him and wiggled his foot eagerly. Tom laughed and began kneading the tender flesh, slightly alarmed at how red Bill’s feet were. The added weight was really taking its toll on his body. “Oh Tomi, that’s amazing,” Bill breathed and the words went straight to Tom’s cock.

He bit his lip and tried to ignore the sounds of bliss from his twin but it was difficult as he worked out the tension and aches in the singer’s instep. Tom kissed the soft skin and Bill’s eyes flickered open; they held such a look of lust he was about to continue to kiss up his leg when it was pulled out of his grasp. “Bill-”

“I knew this was a mistake. I’m not ready. I’m sorry, this is my fault,” Bill said as he shook his head and pulled the covers over his legs.

“No, it’s mine, I shouldn’t have-”

“Goodnight, Tom.”

Tom tried to catch Bill’s eye but he refused to look at him and he sighed. “Night, Bill.” He slipped off the bed and felt like an utter ass as he crossed the room and closed the door behind him. Tom crossed the hall into his room and realized how lonely it looked, not at all as appealing as it did just a few minutes earlier. Regardless he turned off his light and closed the door.

His phone glowed on one of the nightstands and Tom snatched it up to glance at the display and was surprised to see it was Andreas’ picture. A text.

How r u?

Tom’s mouth twitched as he debated on whether or not to respond as he climbed into bed. He shrugged in the darkness and pressed the call button. It rang twice before it was picked up. “Hello?”

“Andi?”

“Tom?”

“Yeah.”

There was silence on the other side as Tom heard rustling. “…I was just trying to see how you were doing.”

“I know,” Tom reassured him. “I wanted to know how you were doing too.”

“Oh. I met a really nice girl.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Tom settled further into the covers and smiled as Andreas told him about the new girl he liked.

 

 

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

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