- •I type a full stop, take a sip of coffee, and turn to the second page of the press release.
- •Extract 2
- •Extract 3
- •I should say something. I should say, “Janice, I don’t fancy Tom. He’s too tall and his breath smells.” But how on earth can I say that?
- •Extract 4
- •I’m absolutely stunned. I’ve never seen anything like this at a press conference. Never!
- •I head toward the back to get another cup of coffee, and find Elly standing by the coffee table. Excellent. I haven’t seen Elly for ages.
- •I’m sorry, but I can’t go and sit back down there. I have to hear about this.
- •Extract 5
- •I stare at him blankly.
- •I have never before worked so hard on an article. Never.
- •I can’t do this. I can’t speak to Luke Brandon. My questions are jotted down on a piece of paper in front of me, but as I stare at them, I’m not reading them.
- •I’ll show Alicia, I think fiercely. I’ll show them all, Luke Brandon included. Show them that I, Rebecca Bloomwood, am not a joke.
- •Extract 6
- •Extract 7
- •It’s basically my idea of heaven.
- •I close my eyes and, after a few seconds, feel a cool, creamy liquid being massaged into my face. It’s the most delicious sensation in the world. I could sit here all day.
- •I almost want to laugh at the incongruity of it. What’s she doing here? What’s Alicia Bitch Long-legs doing here, for God’s sake?
- •Is that me? Oh God, I don’t want to be a leading industry expert. I want to go home and watch reruns of The Simpsons.
- •I look around for support and see Rory gazing blankly at me.
- •I watch in a daze as he picks his way across the cable strewn floor toward the exit, half wishing he would look back.
- •Extract 8
- •Extract 2
- •Extract 3
- •Extract 4
- •Extract 5
- •I’ll just have a really quick look.
- •I mean, what is wrong with these people? Are they complete philistines?
- •Extract 6
- •It’s only as we're approaching a department entitled ‘Gift Wrapping’ that I realize what’s going on. When I said ‘gift’, she must have thought I meant it was an actual–
- •I take the card from her, and as I read, my skin starts to prickle with excitement.
- •Extract 7
- •I stare at him, agog.
- •I can’t tell him I’ve actually got three. And two on hold at Barneys.
- •Extract 2
- •I wish bridesmaids got to say something. It wouldn’t have to be anything very much. Just a quick ‘Yes’ or ‘I do’.
- •I’ve always been a teeny bit awkward around Tarquin. But now I see him with Suze – married to Suze – the awkwardness seems to melt away.
- •Extract 3
- •I glance into the mirror, feeling quite grown-up and proud of myself. For once in my life I’m not rushing. I’m not getting overexcited.
- •I remember that cake. The icing was lurid green and the lawnmower was made out of a painted matchbox. You could still see ‘Swan’ through the green.
- •I have never worn anything less flattering in my life.
- •Extract 4
- •Extract 5
- •Extract 6
- •Extract 7
- •I’ll be a grown-up, go along to the cake studio and break the news to her face to face.
- •I had no idea wedding cakes could be anything like this. I flip through, slightly dazedly, looking at cake after spectacular cake.
- •I can see Alicia’s brain working hard.
- •I can see Robyn and Antoine exchanging looks, and I’m dying to ask them what they think of Alicia. But... It wouldn’t be becoming in a bride-to-be.
- •If I’m really honest, hand on heart – I feel exactly like someone who’s going to have a huge, luxurious wedding at the Plaza.
- •I put the invitation into my bag and snap the clasp shut, feeling slightly sick.
- •I look at him, my attention finally caught.
- •Extract 8
- •I stare at him in utter stupefaction. What does he think he’s doing?
- •I stare at him in horror.
- •I follow his gaze, and see Danny’s brother Randall walking across the floor towards us.
- •Extract 9
- •I stare at her, momentarily halted.
- •I stare at the page, my heart pounding. It’s a typed sheet, headed terms of agreement. I look straight down to the dotted line at the bottom – and there’s my signature.
- •I haven’t said a word about anything to Luke. In The Realistic Bride it says the way to stop your fiance getting bored with wedding details is to feed them to him on a need-to-know basis.
- •I feel a stab of shock.
- •Extract 10
- •I put the phone down and smile at Robyn, who’s wearing a bright pink suit and a headset and carrying a walkie-talkie.
- •In fact, it’s completely true. I’m beyond nervous. Either everything goes to plan and this all works out. Or it doesn’t and it’s a complete disaster. There’s not much I can do about it.
- •I’ve never seen a wedding dress like it. It’s a work of art.
- •Extract 11
- •I reach out and hug her tightly.
- •I can't move. I can't breathe. I need my fairy godmothers, quick.
- •I don’t believe it. It’s Luke.
- •Extract 12
- •I feel a huge spasm of nerves as I see the familiar sign. We’re nearly there.
- •I’m getting married. I’m really getting married.
- •I freeze in terror, one foot inside the car. What’s happened? Who’s found out? What do they know?
- •I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.
- •I feel a spasm of nerves inside. Here it comes. The last bit of my plan. The very last cherry on top of the cake.
- •Extract 2
- •Extract 3
- •Extract 4
- •Extract 5
- •Extract 6
- •Extract 7
- •Extract 8
- •Extract 9
- •Extract 10
- •Extract 11
- •I’m fantastically well-organised, basically. And very self-disciplined. The early bird catches the modeling contracts, after all.
- •Extract 13
- •I am such a deluded moron.
- •Extract 2
- •I draw myself up short with a jolt. “I’m sorry,” I say, and exhale sharply. “You don’t want to hear all this.”
- •Extract 3
- •I bet they do.
- •I was so totally mortified, I never told anyone. Especially not Mum and Dad.
- •Extract 4
- •Extract 5
- •I don’t think so.
- •Extract 6
- •Extract 7
- •I watch in total disbelief as Jack settles comfortably down on the rug. He was supposed to be rescuing me from all this. Not joining in. Slowly I sink down beside him.
- •I stare at her blankly. Since when have Kerry and I ever socialized together?
- •Extract 8
- •I am never visiting a zoo again.
- •Revenge is Sweet (by c. Fremlin)
- •It worked like a dream, exactly as she’d planned.
- •The Way up to Heaven (by r. Dahl)
- •For Services Rendered (by j. Deaver)
- •I can help you and you can help me...
- •I can help you and you can help me...
- •Makeover (by b. Callahan)
- •Interrupting her in mid sob, Monty said, “Hold on there, Steph. Gotta pay our bills. Time for a commercial.”
Extract 6
‘Now I have to tell you the worst dung of all,’ she stuttered, after Jane had banged her on the back and her eyes had stopped streaming. Jane looked at her apprehensively. Short of Mrs Ormondroyd and Mr Peters opening a Tantric sex workshop, it was difficult to imagine what that might be. ‘Mummy wants to sell Mullions,’ Tally's voice was as tight and dry as her face.
‘No!’ Jane gasped. This really was a disaster. Nick at his most scathing and Champagne D’Vyne at her worst paled by comparison. ‘Why?’
‘To pay for her travels. It’s her right, she inherited the house in Daddy’s will. And she can do what she likes with it – there’s no tide to hand down anymore since the Ninth Earl, my grandfather, lost it on a hen race in 1920.’ Tally paused and swallowed. ‘Mummy says the place is an old wreck and we’d be best advised to get shot of it while it is still worth something. She s-s-s-says,’ Tally gasped, her self-control deserting her, ‘that she suddenly realised she’d spent her entire life [gulp] perpetuating [sniff] an outmoded feudal system.’ Tally clapped her bony hand to her mouth as the tears spilled down her long, thin cheeks.
‘Well, she took a long time to work that out,’ said Jane. ‘Did she never get any clues from the fact she lived in a stately home with servants’ bells and a stable block?’
Tally said nothing. Both red hands were covering her face now. With a twinge, Jane saw the signet ring with the Venery family crest shining dull and gold on Tally’s little finger.
‘But you’ve had that place for four hundred years, for God’s sake,’ Jane raged, feeling suddenly furious. ‘You can’t let go of it now. Can’t you stop her?’
Tally shook her head. ‘Not unless I can come up with some brilliant plan for it to make money. But as I can’t even get grants to repair the place, I very much doubt I’ll get them to start building restaurants and things. And quite frankly, Mrs Ormondroyd’s cooking is hardly a draw.’
‘You could always marry someone rich,’ Jane suggested. ‘Then they could buy the place off Julia.’
‘Fat chance,’ said Tally miserably. ‘Who’s going to want to marry me?’ She raised her thin face hopelessly to Jane. ‘It’s not as if I’m pretty. Or rich. I’m going to die a spinster in a council house at this rate.’
‘Hang on, hang on,’ said Jane, seeing Tally wobbling at the top of the Cresta Run of self-pity. ‘What about all that stuff about Lord Right? What about finding the perfect man?’
‘Forget it,’ said Tally, flashing her a hurt, how-could-you-mention-that-now glance. ‘At the moment, I’m trying to hang on to the perfect home. Not that anyone thinks it’s perfect except m-m-m-me.’ She started to snivel again.
‘Now look,’ said Jane briskly. She was, she knew, at her best when she was trying to help other people out of trouble. Unable to solve any of her own work or Nick problems, she nonetheless felt completely confident she could sort Tally out somehow. The most appalling messes always had ingeniously simple solutions. Didn’t they?
‘There’s got to be a way out of this,’ she said decisively, sitting up straight and giving her slumped friend a challenging look. ‘We need to get you a knight in shining armour. Sir Lancelot. Or Sir Earnalot, more like.’ She grinned. Tally remained hunched and hopeless.
‘He doesn’t even have to have shining armour,’ Jane added. ‘You’ve got plenty of that standing around the Great Hall.’
‘Well, it’s not very shiny,’ sniffed Tally, ‘but Mrs Ormondroyd does her best. You know what she’s like.’
‘Half cleaner, half demolition squad,’ grinned Jane. ‘Well, a knight on a white charger then. Or, even better, a gold chargecard. A multi-Mullionaire.’
‘But where am I going to meet someone like that?’ asked Tally dismally.
Jane had to admit it was a good question. ‘Let’s have another glass and think about it,’ she said.