- •I was starting to lag behind. I hate running. I hated him for not slowing down.
- •I stared at him.
- •I tried to peer round at the screen.
- •In our street ‘posh’ could mean anyone who hadn’t got a family member in possession of an asbo.
- •I helped myself to green beans, trying to look more sanguine than I felt.
- •I wondered briefly how many carers there had been before me.
- •I picked up one of the labels. I wasn’t sure I had ever seen so many drugs outside a pharmacy.
- •I blushed. ‘I’m sorry. I was just –’
- •I slid my legs sideways down the wall and pushed myself up to a seated position.
- •I tried to think. ‘I don’t really have any hobbies. I read a bit. I like clothes.’
- •I filled the log basket, noting that several inches of snow had now settled. I made Will a fresh drink, and then knocked. When I knocked again, I did so loudly.
- •I stared at the books in his bookshelf. Among the novels, the well-thumbed Penguin paperbacks, were business titles: Corporate Law, TakeOver, directories of names I did not recognize.
- •I thought for a bit.
- •I’m not sure I moved for half an hour.
- •It was not, they observed with exquisite understatement, a cry for help.
- •I slowed my pace, pushing my way through the small crowd until I was able to get to our gate, watching as Richard ducked to avoid a dvd player. Next came a pair of shoes.
- •I took a deep breath. ‘I overheard you. You and your daughter. Last night. And I don’t want to … I don’t want to be part of it.’
- •I made to get out of the car. Her hand shot out. It sat there on my arm, strange and radioactive. We both stared at it.
- •I checked the list. ‘Quadriplegic basketball? I’m not even sure if he likes basketball.’
- •I wrinkled my nose. ‘I don’t know, Treen –’
- •I ignored him. ‘Right. We’ve made it. Now for the fun bit.’
- •I felt my eyes suddenly brim with tears. ‘No,’ I said. ‘This is ridiculous. We’ve come all this way. You stay here and I’ll go and get us all Premier Area badges. And then we will have our meal.’
- •I grabbed my bag and thrust it under my arm.
- •I had refused to listen to him. I couldn’t bear the idea that this was how our day was going to end.
- •It seemed to take a minute or two for them to digest what I’d said. But then they looked at each other in amazement.
- •It was about half an hour before I realized the other girls had gone.
- •I was about to say no, and then I realized I didn’t really know why I was refusing. ‘All right. I’ll bring them back as soon as I’ve finished.’
- •I realized he was looking for an excuse not to go. ‘I’ll do it,’ I said. ‘If Will tells me what to do. I don’t mind staying to help.’ I said it almost before I realized what I was agreeing to.
- •I leant over and ran my finger around the inside of it; a nylon tag had been left inside. I pulled at it, hoping to snap it, but it proved stubbornly resistant.
- •I couldn’t help but notice that his leg was becoming weirdly sinewy.
- •It broke the ice. Nathan left with a wave and a wink, and I wheeled Will through to the kitchen. Mum, luckily, was holding a casserole dish, which absolved her of the same anxiety.
- •If it was Dad, I told Will, he would have had an adapted beer cup before he had a wheelchair.
- •I leant back and reached my hand downwards into his bag. I pulled it up again, retrieving a bottle of Laurent-Perrier champagne.
- •I stood up and bowed. I was wearing a 1960s yellow a-line minidress I had got from the charity shop. The woman had thought it might be Biba, although someone had cut the label out.
- •I got up to clear the plates, wanting to escape the table. But Mum scolded me, telling me to sit down.
- •I turned away, pretending to peer into a shop window, unsure if I wanted him to know that I had seen them, and tried very hard not to think about it again.
- •I pulled a tendril from the honeysuckle and began picking off its leaves. ‘I don’t know. I think I’m going to need to up my game.’ I told her what Mrs Traynor had said to me about going abroad.
- •I poured some soup from a flask and held it up to his lips. ‘Tomato.’
- •I put down my peeler. ‘I suspect you’re going to tell me.’
- •I slid off the table. I wasn’t entirely sure how, but I felt, yet again, like I’d somehow been argued into a corner. I reached for the chopping board on the drainer.
- •I glanced down the street, then turned and peeled a little of the dressing down from my hip.
- •I put the last peg back in the peg bag. I rolled it up, and placed it in the empty laundry basket. I turned to him.
- •I began to compile a new list – things you cannot do with a quadriplegic.
- •I could hardly believe what I was hearing. I felt the colour rise to my face, and took a deep breath before I spoke again.
- •I just wanted to make it better.
- •I put Will’s glass in his holder and shook the younger man’s hand.
- •I watched Will drain two glasses of Pimm’s and was secretly glad.
- •I blinked.
- •I couldn’t really blame the guy. I wouldn’t have wanted my missus staying out all night with some bloke, even if he was a quad. And he hadn’t seen the way Will looked at her.
- •I hesitated, just a moment too long. ‘That’s not true.’
- •I understood what she was saying. There was no time for anything else.
- •It was a quarter to ten by the time I got back to Patrick’s.
- •I stared at him.
- •I sat down and looked at the table.
- •I sank my face into my hands and let it rest there for a minute. Out in the corridor I heard a fire door swing, and the voices of people swallowed up as a door was unlocked and closed behind them.
- •I would have said to Camilla that she brightened the place up. But I couldn’t make that sort of remark to Camilla any more.
- •I left my bag with Nathan, cleaned my hands with antibacterial lotion, then pushed at the door and entered.
- •I was about to protest, and tell them they should not have moved him. But Will had closed his eyes and lay there with a look of such unexpected contentment that I just closed my mouth and nodded.
- •I felt his fingers tighten a fraction around mine, and it gave me courage.
- •I had begun to cry. ‘Please, Will. Please don’t say this. Just give me a chance. Give us a chance.’
- •I felt frozen, my hand clutching my passport like I was about to go somewhere else. I had to remind myself to breathe.
- •I couldn’t speak. I stared at her, and the most I could manage was a small shake of my head.
- •I am the one in the family who knows everything. I read more than anyone else. I go to university. I am the one who is supposed to have all the answers.
- •I had been hoping it was extra grant money.
- •I gave a tiny shrug. ‘Just okay? They must have given you some idea how you did.’
- •I’m not sure I ever saw Dad look so shocked.
- •I glanced up at Granddad, but he had eyes only for the racing. I think Dad was still putting on a sneaky bet each way for him, even though he denied it to Mum.
- •I turned towards the bed. ‘So,’ I said, my bag over my shoulder, ‘I’m guessing the room service isn’t up to much?’
It was a quarter to ten by the time I got back to Patrick’s.
My holiday plans, astonishingly, had met with Katrina’s complete approval. She hadn’t even done her usual thing of adding, ‘Yes, but it would be even better if you … ’ There had been a point where I wondered if she was doing it just to be nice, because I was obviously going a bit nuts. But she kept saying things like, ‘Wow, I can’t believe you found this! You’ve got to take lots of pictures of him bungee jumping.’ And, ‘Imagine his face when you tell him about the skydiving! It’s going to be brilliant.’
Anyone watching us at the pub might have thought that we were two friends who actually really quite liked each other.
Still mulling this over, I let myself in quietly. The flat was dark from outside and I wondered if Patrick was having an early night as part of his intensive training. I dropped my bag on the floor in the hall and pushed at the living-room door, thinking as I did so that it was nice of him to have left a light on for me.
And then I saw him. He was sitting at a table laid with two places, a candle flickering between them. As I closed the door behind me, he stood up. The candle was burnt halfway down to the base.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said.
I stared at him.
‘I was an idiot. You’re right. This job of yours is only for six months, and I have been behaving like a child. I should be proud that you’re doing something so worthwhile, and taking it all so seriously. I was just a bit … thrown. So I’m sorry. Really.’
He held out a hand. I took it.
‘It’s good that you’re trying to help him. It’s admirable.’
‘Thank you.’ I squeezed his hand.
When he spoke again, it was after a short breath, as if he had successfully managed some pre-rehearsed speech. ‘I’ve made supper. I’m afraid it’s salad again.’ He reached past me into the fridge, and pulled out two plates. ‘I promise we’ll go somewhere for a blowout meal once the Viking is over. Or maybe once I’m on to carb loading. I just … ’ He blew out his cheeks. ‘I guess I haven’t been able to think about much else lately. I guess that’s been part of the problem. And you’re right. There’s no reason you should follow me about. It’s my thing. You have every right to work instead.’
‘Patrick … ’ I said.
‘I don’t want to argue with you, Lou. Forgive me?’
His eyes were anxious and he smelt of cologne. Those two facts descended upon me slowly like a weight.
‘Sit down, anyway,’ he said. ‘Let’s eat, and then … I don’t know. Enjoy ourselves. Talk about something else. Not running.’ He forced a laugh.
I sat down and looked at the table.
Then I smiled. ‘This is really nice,’ I said.
Patrick really could do 101 things with turkey breast.
We ate the green salad, the pasta salad and seafood salad and an exotic fruit salad that he had prepared for pudding, and I drank wine while he stuck to mineral water. It took us a while, but we did begin to relax. There, in front of me, was a Patrick I hadn’t seen for some time. He was funny, attentive. He policed himself rigidly so that he didn’t say anything about running or marathons, and laughed whenever he caught the conversation veering in that direction. I felt his feet meet mine under the table and our legs entwine, and slowly I felt something that had felt tight and uncomfortable begin to ease in my chest.
My sister was right. My life had become strange and disconnected from everyone I knew – Will’s plight and his secrets had swamped me. I had to make sure that I didn’t lose sight of the rest of me.
I began to feel guilty about the conversation I had had earlier with my sister. Patrick wouldn’t let me get up, not even to help him clear the dishes. At a quarter past eleven he rose and moved the plates and bowls to the kitchenette and began to load the dishwasher. I sat, listening to him as he talked to me through the little doorway. I was rubbing at the point where my neck met my shoulder, trying to release some of the knots that seemed to be firmly embedded there. I closed my eyes, trying to relax into it, so that it was a few minutes before I realized the conversation had stopped.
I opened my eyes. Patrick was standing in the doorway, holding my holiday folder. He held up several pieces of paper. ‘What’s all this?’
‘It’s … the trip. The one I told you about.’
I watched him flick through the paperwork I had shown my sister, taking in the itinerary, the pictures, the Californian beach.
‘I thought … ’ His voice, when it emerged, sounded strangely strangled. ‘I thought you were talking about Lourdes.’
‘What?’
‘Or … I don’t know … Stoke Mandeville … or somewhere. I thought, when you said you couldn’t come because you had to help him, it was actual work. Physio, or faith healing, or something. This looks like … ’ He shook his head disbelievingly. ‘This looks like the holiday of a lifetime.’
‘Well … it kind of is. But not for me. For him.’
Patrick grimaced. ‘No … ’ he said, shaking his head. ‘You wouldn’t enjoy this at all. Hot tubs under the stars, swimming with dolphins … Oh, look, “five-star luxury” and “twenty-four-hour room service”.’ He looked up at me. ‘This isn’t a work trip. This is a bloody honeymoon.’
‘That’s not fair!’
‘But this is? You … you really expect me to just sit here while you swan off with another man on a holiday like this?’
‘His carer is coming too.’
‘Oh. Oh yes, Nathan. That makes it all right, then.’
‘Patrick, come on – it’s complicated.’
‘So explain it to me.’ He thrust the papers towards me. ‘Explain this to me, Lou. Explain it in a way that I can possibly understand.’
‘It matters to me that Will wants to live, that he sees good things in his future.’
‘And those good things would include you?’
‘That’s not fair. Look, have I ever asked you to stop doing the job you love?’
‘My job doesn’t involve hot tubs with strange men.’
‘Well, I don’t mind if it does. You can have hot tubs with strange men! As often as you like! There!’ I tried to smile, hoping he would too.
But he wasn’t having any of it. ‘How would you feel, Lou? How would you feel if I said I was going on some keep-fit convention with – I don’t know – Leanne from the Terrors because she needed cheering up?’
‘Cheering up?’ I thought of Leanne, with her flicky blonde hair and her perfect legs, and I wondered absently why he had thought of her name first.
‘And then how would you feel if I said she and I were going to eat out together all the time, and maybe sit in a hot tub or go on days out together. In some destination six thousand miles away, just because she had been a bit down. That really wouldn’t bother you?’
‘He’s not “a bit down”, Pat. He wants to kill himself. He wants to take himself off to Dignitas, and end his own bloody life.’ I could hear my blood thumping in my ears. ‘And you can’t turn it around like this. You were the one who called Will a cripple. You were the one who made out he couldn’t possibly be a threat to you. “The perfect boss,” you said. Someone not even worth worrying about.’
He put the folder back down on the worktop.
‘Well, Lou … I’m worrying now.’