I mean riding a horse (one that’s actually alive) for several hours. Alternating between trot, canter, walk, back to trot. On a thirty-five-year-old butt. Without breakfast.

Well, it’s not as easy as it appears in the movies, although I’m sure John Wayne really did ride a lot. His butt was probably made of iron. God bless him.

Sliding down the side of Epi I couldn’t seem to find my feet—or my legs. My butt was where I had last left it, except it felt like it had grown broader and flatter. What a lovely thought. So I stood there and attempted to restore circulation to my extremities, glad that Epi was the only one who witnessed my appalling lack of gluteal competence.

Eventually (almost “a while” later) I felt able to hobble—yes, I mean literally limping and cussing my way in the true tradition of the authentic Old West Hobble—down the bank to the edge of the river.

“Well, at least it’s not muddy.” I grumbled and patted Epi, letting her drink first. Slowly, I straightened up, listening to the musical cracking of my spine. Epi lipped the water and took several noisy gulps, saying “tastes good” in horsey language. I gimped upstream a couple of steps and crouched (amidst much creaking of knees), bending forward to wash my hands.

“Oh, baby, that’s cold!” I was expecting the river to be a nice room temp, because the climate was so warm, but the river was icy, which told me it had to originate in the distant mountains. Hey—I’m a college graduate; you can’t slip anything by me. Cupping my hands, I sucked the cold, clean water into my mouth.

It was like Grandma’s well water. Nothing quenches a thirst as completely as cold water straight from the well. As a child I used to think that my grandma’s well water was the Fountain of Youth. I’d pump like mad and then run around to the front of the spigot and slurp handfuls of the clear liquid. My creaky knees proved my Fountain of Youth theory wrong, but the taste still quenched and refreshed like a spring rain. And I was suddenly not quite as hungry as I had been.

“Well, old girl. How about I walk and give you a little break?” I smoothed her forelock and rubbed her broad forehead while she explored the front of my shirt and lipped my chin with her wet muzzle. God, horses are incredible animals. Being alone with her made me realize how much I’d missed owning one. Their smell, their equine beauty and intelligent kindness are things unique to them, not replaceable by a dog or even a thinking-it-has-no-owner cat (although cats are cooler than dogs—they’re the haughty bitches of the animal world, and I can’t help but appreciate that in them). But I’ve always adored horses. They are truly noble animals. Remember the scene in True Grit when Little Blacky allows John Wayne (Rooster Cogburn) to run him to death so that Baby Sister can be saved? Sob. What (sniffle) other animal would (blow my nose) do that (wipe my eyes)?

No wonder I thought ClanFintan was so damn cute—I was in need of a pet and a man. Apparently with him I killed two birds with one stone.

Except he was going to be really pissed when I got back to the temple.

And he thought I was a bitch.

After one more pat to Epi’s neck, I turned reluctantly away from the riverbank, looped the reins over my shoulder and started back to find our scraggly, fading trail. Epi followed me like the polite girl she was, occasionally grabbing a mouthful of grass and chewing contentedly.

I started to whistle the “Hi-Ho” tune from Snow White. Epi blew through her nose at me, which I took as a commentary on my whistling ability, and I laughed over my shoulder at her, still whistling. Yeah, we were having fun now.

The trees were decidedly more dense, and I could glimpse fewer and fewer homes between the thick foliage. I tried to remember the layout of the land from my dream, but my spirit body had been moving so quickly that I hadn’t gotten any landmarks more clearly defined than the river, the lush lands around it and the fact that it flowed from somewhere northeast of the castle and ran all the way down past my temple. I felt like Maid Marion lost in Sherwood Forest. Except I was pretty damn sure Robin Hood wasn’t going to come rescue me (and, quite frankly, I’m no maid).

I hated to be a whiner, but I really was hungry. It wasn’t too long before the whistling and the laughing stopped, and the Search For Any Kind of Edible Friggin Berry started.

“Here we are, surrounded by all of this damn nature.” Epi’s ears cocked forward, listening to me mutter. “You’d think there would be some wild strawberries. Or blueberries. Or mulberries. Even in Oz they had apple trees.” Epi grabbed another mouthful of grass. “Is that stuff good?” It’d probably give me the runs, and I didn’t even have any damn toilet paper. The visual picture that conjured was enough to keep me from trying Epi’s dinner.

I truly hate camping. My parents used to make me camp with them (before they got divorced—I think it was their idea of quality family time, which sure as hell didn’t work), and I began hating it then. Not that I don’t like The Great Outdoors. I think nature is very inspirational and lovely. I like to hike, and I’m even willing to lie out in the sun and read a book while whatever man I happen to be with fishes. I just want to appreciate it during the day, and go somewhere with a comfortable bed, running water and a four star restaurant at night. I really don’t like roughing it.

“So, what the hell am I doing out here?” Epi lipped the back of my French braid, and I swatted at her muzzle. “Stop—there’s no way I can carve a comb out of a tree and rebraid this stuff.” And my feet were starting to hurt. Rhiannon had broken the boots in, but they must have been made to be worn with socks, and, well, I had forgotten to look for the sock drawer before I left. Kind of like I’d forgotten to look for the kitchen.

“Epi, I think I have a blister the size of Rhode Island.” Stopping, I rested my head against her warm neck and spoke into her softness. “And I think I need to ride again. Hope that’s okay with you.” I took her sweet nuzzle as an okay, and gave her a quick squeeze. “Let’s get another drink first. Shall I buy this time, or would you like to treat?” She snorted at me. “I like my margaritas on the rocks, with lots of salt.” I translated her look as horse language telling me how much more amusing I was than Rhiannon.

Turning toward the river, I noticed we had wandered several yards from the bank, probably because it was very rocky and suddenly looked a little steep. Carefully, I led the way back to the river, scrambling down the bank in a shower of loose rocks. After all the trouble it took to get back down to it, I was relieved to see the water was as clear and cold as ever, especially because as the day progressed it had become noticeably warmer. Not that it was too uncomfortable under the shading cover of the trees, but the cool water was a nice relief. To keep the heat in perspective, I reminded myself that it was nothing compared to a typical Oklahoma summer day when the humidity registered at about a zillion percent plus the normal one hundred–plus degrees. Almost enough to make Wonder Woman’s bra melt.

The change in worlds had hurt my reputation, but it had definitely improved the weather. So I guess I should count my blessings.

Epi’s nudge interrupted my thoughts. “Ready to go, gorgeous?” Her look said yes, so I led her to a rock large enough to use as a mounting block. The mare tilted her head and gave me an odd look.

“I guess you’ve already figured out that I’m not Rhiannon. She could probably leap up on you without any help.” Epi’s knowing gaze didn’t falter, and I felt the need to stand up for myself. “No offense, but that could be because she’s so used to thrusting herself up and down.” Epi arched her neck and blinked her beautiful dark eyes at me. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against some thrusting, but I like to think I choose quality over quantity.” The mare tossed her head and made a very human-like squeal. Really, it sounded like a little horsy laugh, and as I heaved myself off the rock and scrambled aboard I found myself giggling, too. “So we understand one another?” Epi reached back and nudged my foot, which was dangling awkwardly out of the stirrup. “I’ll take that as a yes.” I smiled and put my foot where it belonged before giving the incredible horse the “let’s go” cluck (as if she needed it).