22.When money talks love walks

When money talks love walks

Barkalina, Daniliuk, 501

Introduction

Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world. It bonds people and connects them in a unified link of trust, intimacy and interdependence. It enhances the relationship and comforts the soul. We all crave for it and once we find a true love we are sure we will never let it go. However, rosy dreams often crash at harsh reality.

As a psychologist of the Psychology Help Center I mostly work with people who have different psychological problems after a difficult and exhausting period of divorce. I can say that money really causes problems.

Liza: Psychologists cite money as the biggest cause of marital rows. Twice as many couples row about money as about sex: about 40 per cent, compared with 20 per cent. And quarrels about money are far more likely to happen if the spouses have a low income and young children, which is a potential massive stress. Expenses of such couples are usually sky-high and they are always on a tight budget. Moreover, they often have to change their lifestyles, for example, give up pricey impulsive purchases or hobbies. Of course, it does not contribute to the development of good rapport as money troubles inevitably spill over into the rest of the relationship.

However, the situation is nonetheless better in the households, where one earns significantly more than the other. The breadwinner tends to wield power in a relationship which makes the other party feel inadequate, or sense he or she has a reduced say in joint decisions. This first of all concerns women. Although nowadays they are likelier than ever to be supporting themselves, they still tend to make a lot less money than men – about 23 per cent less. Men as higher earners usually pay the lion’s share of expenses and insist women should do all the housework claiming that otherwise they will not pull their weight. If a man does get into a situation when his wife earns a lot more, he may turn into a sulky teenager. He can feel quite emasculated if he thinks he has to ask for pocket money or permission to go down the pub. In this case the lower-earner’s self-esteem is chipped away and one day he may call it quits.

Another complicated situation is when a tightwad meets a big spender. It is a common view that the way we handle money often tells a lot about our emotions. The spender might believe that if his\her partner balks at dropping some cash he may also withhold love and scrimp on affection. In his turn the saver may perceive being open with one’s purse as “frivolousness” which may scare him. As a result, the partners do not understand each other and may end up taking off.

Thus, money does make the world go round often outshining most warm and sincere feelings. Money fights often lead to divorce.

Julia: As a marriage counselor of the Relationship Counseling Center I can say that not so many marriages actually founder on the issue of money. According to relationship experts financial problems hold the third position on the list of top ten reasons for divorce. Quarrels about finances are preceded by such major reasons as communication breakdown and infidelity that can bankrupt a relationship of either a disadvantaged or a well-off family.

Moreover, while nothing can be done in case of infidelity if it has already occurred, there exist marriage counselors who help couples to settle all their money conflicts. Most of the relationships collapse not because the partners argue over their attitudes to money, but just because partners do not discuss the differences in their attitudes. In fact most of such problems can be solved through negotiation, and psychologists and marriage counselors are here to teach the couples a language in which to negotiate about money. We help the couples that come to our center to acknowledge and respect their money differences, to set out the initial rules when they move in and start living together so that they could work as a team and not police each other. We help them to overcome the fear of shared finances and do some tests to find out whether the partners are financially compatible. As a rule, we recommend that they should keep a money-watch diary to see their money habits (because as you know most of such conflicts spring from different spending habits). If we find out that one of them is a miser and the other is very open with his or her purse we explain that they both have to take small steps to modify their behavior…

Liza: I see what you mean, but I am afraid I can hardly accept this argument. Different attitudes to money and spending can hardly be changed as they are shaped by family background, culture, experiences and personality and are acquired when you’re still a child. As a psychologist, I should say that the ideas and beliefs you assimilate in your childhood are the most powerful and they usually become your life cornerstones. This also holds true with money which is often a stand-in for love, security, power and independence.

Julia: But we have different psychological techniques to help the partners to change. If one person’s feelings are closely linked with his or her sense of independence we recommend to keep a separate slush fund for the person to feel more secure. If the partners just have a saver-spender conflict it can be handled through a role reversal: we recommend the saver to become a megashopper at least for some time, and the spender – to try putting 10 per cent of the salary into savings. Sometimes people really change. If not, the problem still can be solved if the couple has three accounts or four accounts: two independent accounts, a joint account for outgoings and a joint savings account. We hold weekly “business” meetings for the couples to teach them to make mutual decisions about money even if they do not see eye to eye.

Liza: Besides, if we are talking about the reasons for divorce, we cannot but mention those for marriage. The top two reasons for marriage are sexual fulfillment and money, or perhaps a combination of the two. Many women are brought up with the idea that they should pursue a relationship with a man who has hefty savings. Many modern young women who provide for themselves would prefer a rich husband to a well-paying job. Amazingly enough, some women may not even try to get high-paying jobs because they are afraid a rich man will not be attracted to them if they earn as much as he does. The same view is supported by some men. Surprisingly, love turns to be a secondary issue and both parties are aware of that. People tend to forget that love is not found on the market and relationships which are not founded on love are bound to dissolve sooner or later.

Julia: According to statistics marriages of convenience are much stronger than marriages of love, they are less likely to end up in a divorce. The results of a survey by Dr. Rober Epstein from Harvard University show that in marriages of love after a year and a half of living together the feeling of love gets two times weaker, while the attachment of the partners in the marriage of convenience grows stronger. After 5 years their “levels” of love are already the same. However, after 10 years the feeling of attachment in the marriages of convenience is two times stronger that in the marriages of love. Thus the number of divorces in such marriages is significantly lower. There is less passion, emotions and family combats in the marriages of convenience. And after some time, if the partners are ready to work on their relationship, love will eventually come.

Moreover, as I already said, if there is enough money it can even prevent most of the quarrels thus making the loving relationship even stronger.

Liza: I’m sorry, may I interrupt you? Are you aware that many marriages of convenience end in divorces where a wife who practically did not invest a penny in her husband’s business gets a half of all the couple’s property? What is positive about that?

Julia: But that is what a prenuptial agreement is for. If you are reluctant to share your money with your partner after a divorce deal with this issue head on, before tying the knot.

Liza: argument about trust, money kills trust

However, I cannot but agree with you, money does help avoid or settle many problems. Nevertheless, it may become more of a burden than a blessing. Quite often in wealthy families partners are constantly busy building up their careers and do not spend much time together. As a result, they lavish expensive present on each other trying to make up for the lack of care and attention – true indicators of love. They begin to equate the partner’s ability to spend money with his feelings and measure love in terms of dollars and gifts. Such erroneous perception of love may lead to a collapse in the relationships in case the family is suddenly down and out, for instance.

Julia: I see what you mean, but you are being inconsistent. Are not gifts and attention hallmarks of love? Do not they mean that you want your partner to be happy? Usually love and gifts and attention go hand in hand.

On the other hand, if both partners see no difference between love and money, if they place money higher than love this substitution of notions does not spoil their relationship.

Liza: Well, I see what you mean. Being well-off is really nice and not at all pernicious for the relationship. However, being poor really is. Let us recall Abraham Maslow’s pyramid of basic needs. As we all know, the basis of it is made of physiological needs, such as air, water and food. The second level is made up of security needs which include personal and financial security, health and well-being, safety net against accidents/illness and their adverse impacts. Belonging needs comprising love, friendship, intimacy and family come only third. Logically, it is not possible to get food and drinks, shelter and personal security without money. Thus, as long as two previous levels of needs are not satisfied love loses its value and relationships inevitably dissolve.

Julia: As the saying goes, love lives in cottages as well as in courts. If your love is real it will find a way out of any problem situation. If a young man really loves a young woman he will not be flaky about his finances. If the woman knows he is on a tight budget and just cannot afford to take her out she can propose to go Dutch. In a loving relationship there is no “my money” and “your money”, it can be only “ours”.

Conclusion

There can be no definite answer to the question whether money problems corrupt relationships. People of different cultures and family backgrounds, of different social status treat money differently. When they fall in love they expect their partner’s attitude to finance to be the same. However, it often differs. But there are romantic people, people who can endure any hardships and resolve any conflicts because they love each other and practical people for whom money means happiness.

There is enough evidence to prove that real love is not influenced by money. But real love is about trust. If money problems arise it means partners do not trust each other and, consequently, do not love each other. So when money talks, love never walks if it has ever existed.

Open Hearts, Closed Wallets

When Money Talks, Love Walks

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/top-reasons-for-divorce-in-america.html

http://www.relationshipcounselingcenter.org/

http://womenna.ru/private/151-brak-po-raschetu-krepche.html

http://kinglena.com/content/brak-po-raschetu-vyshel-pobeditelem

http://drrobertepstein.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prenuptial_agreement

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs#Safety_needs