I was hearing a confession, I realized.

“I told her if she did that I never wanted to speak to her again. I was very angry at her. I got what I wanted. I never spoke to her again.”

“She died?”

“Yes, two weeks later. A car accident… I wonder which of us is the worse sinner.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “You would have spoken to her if you’d had time.”

“I hope you’re right. She was…so young, only eighteen. I can’t bear to think of her going to hell for…” She trailed off, unable to finish.

“She didn’t go to hell,” I stated. I pulled a few tissues out of a box on the desk and handed them to her.

“Thank you…thank you for saying that,” she said.

“A truly omnipotent God could not be so cruel,” I added.

“Do you believe in God?”

“I don’t know,” I replied. “I don’t mean that lightly. I don’t know. I can’t know, really know, until I die. I leave it at that.”

“You have…thank you for talking to me. Most people, like you, who believe as you do, don’t talk to me about this.”

“The reverse is also true. I’m very surprised you wanted to hear what I had to say. And that you trusted me enough to tell me about your sister.”

“Sometimes a stranger is best,” she replied, standing up to go. “I wanted to hear someone who would not automatically condemn her for what she did.”

She slipped out of the door and walked softly down the hallway.

I sat, trying to read Dante, and waited for the phone to ring.

After a while Elly poked her head in the door. “Patients are all gone,” she said.

“Danny hasn’t called.”

“I know. I’m going home. You should, too. Cordelia has a very good lawyer.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” I answered tiredly, putting Dante away.

“I’ll see you sometime soon,” she said.

“Bye, Elly,” I answered.

She waved and disappeared down the hallway.

Joanne or Danny could call me at home as well as here. I turned out the light, wondering if there was anything else I needed to do to close Cordelia’s office.

Only Bernie was still out front. She was shuffling paper around in a desultory manner. Her eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot.

“Micky?” she asked, but no question followed.

“Time to go home, Bern,” I told her.

“But…what’ll happen to Cordelia?”

“She’s innocent,” I replied.

“But innocent people have gone to jail before. And the chair.”

“Not rich, white, well-connected people like Cordelia,” I reassured her, hoping I was telling the truth.

“Yeah…I guess,” she answered.

“Come on, time to get out of here. Cordelia will be okay.”

“All right. You’re right,” she said.

I waited while Bernie turned off the lights and locked up. It was after six.

Bernie and I walked out to the parking lot, leaving the clinic silent and deserted. The rest of the building was busy—a senior citizen group, a youth group, some indeterminate group.

“Good night, Micky,” Bernie said. Then she very shyly and awkwardly hugged me. She quickly turned and got into her car, but I still caught the hint of a blush.

“Night, Bern,” I called as she fumbled with her keys, then I headed for my car.

All I need is for Bernie to get a crush on me, I thought. But I caught myself smiling in the rearview mirror. She was cute. And I was flattered.

God, what a day, I thought as I pulled out onto the street. And it’s not over yet.

Chapter 13

I had hoped to arrive home and find my answering machine lit and blinking like the Fourth of July. But, no, it stared silently at me. I was even glad of Hepplewhite’s meows; anything to break the expectant silence of my apartment. I turned on the air conditioner, hoping it would cool my room by bedtime.

I thought about reading, but knew I didn’t have the concentration for it. Then I remembered a phone call I’d promised Cordelia I’d make. I dialed Alex’s number.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Hi, Alex, this is Micky. Cordelia asked me to ask you to feed her cat.”

“Why can’t C.J. feed her own cat?”

“Oops,” ran through my head. I had assumed that Joanne had already talked to Alex. “You don’t know?” I asked, rather stupidly.

“Know what?” Alex replied, a worried note creeping into her voice.

“Shit, I was sure you would have talked to Joanne by now,” I said.

“Micky, what happened? Who’s hurt?”

“No one. Cordelia’s been arrested,” I said flatly.

“Oh,” was all Alex said. Then a silence.

“Alex? Are you there?”

“Oh…yeah. Yeah. This is…not what I expected,” Alex finished hesitantly. “I’ll feed her cat. That’s no problem… God, I don’t know what to say.”

“Say ‘shit,’ Alex, everyone else has. Except Joanne. She said ‘fuck.’ Take your pick.”

“Shit, piss, and corruption. Fuck me. There, now I feel better. Oh, shit…poor Cordelia.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Well, look at the bright side. Maybe she’ll meet some nice girl in jail.”

“Alex,” I threatened.

“Not very bright, admittedly,” Alex replied, then in a more serious vein, “Is there anything I can do? Other than cat duty?”

“Not that I know of. I’ve been trying for hours to think of something.”

“Okay,” she said. “Oh…Micky? You haven’t heard from Joanne, have you? I mean, I know, we’re supposed to be insanely jealous of each other, but I’ve never let insanity stop me before. We were going to meet for dinner, but she called it off.”

I told Alex about my phone call to Joanne.

“Yeah, she just left an odd message on my machine,” Alex said when I finished. “Here, listen to it and tell me what you think.”

I heard Alex rewind her answering machine, then a click and Joanne’s voice saying, “I can’t make dinner. I just can’t. I’ll talk to you…sometime.” That was it.

“I don’t know,” I told her when the message finished playing. Joanne had sounded angry, distant perhaps, but it was hard to tell from a tape over the phone.

“I don’t either, but if you should hear from her…”

“I’ll let you know.”

“And Micky? If she comes over? It’s okay. Just let me know she’s all right.”

“I will.”

“Thanks.”

I wondered what the hell Joanne and Danny were doing. And why they weren’t calling me.

Around ten thirty the phone finally rang. Danny.

“Involuntary manslaughter. She made bail and is now asleep in our extra bedroom. And I’m exhausted. If you have any questions, read tomorrow’s papers.”

“I will. Good night, Danno.”

“Okay. One question. But that’s all.”

“Is she okay?”

“Okay?” Danny said, her voice rising. “Okay? Ignatious ‘Law and Order’ Holloway’s granddaughter is arrested for manslaughter. The news media is having a field day with it. She’s exhausted. Even if she’s found innocent—”

“‘Even if’?” I interjected.

“When she is found innocent, she will still have this thing hanging over her. Her reputation as a doctor is probably shot to hell. ‘Okay’? Yeah, as much as one can be under the circumstances,” Danny said, her voice becoming raspy and hoarse as she finished.

“No more questions, Danno. Get some rest. If there’s anything I can do…”

“Yeah, I’ll let you know. I’ll tell Cordelia you asked about her. She needs her friends now. ‘Night, Mick.”

“Good night. Say hi to Elly for me.”

I heard her click off. I gently replaced the receiver.

I waited another hour, hoping Joanne would call, but she didn’t. I hoped she was with Alex. I should have asked Alex to call me, too. But the “other woman” doesn’t have such privileges, I supposed. Stop, I told myself. Alex would call you. Joanne might have tried to call me while I was on the phone with Danny, given up, and gone home to bed. I went to take a shower. I needed one after today, maybe it would relax me enough to fall asleep. I let myself take a long, cooling shower.

When I went back into my big room, Joanne was there, sitting at my desk, drinking bourbon.

“Joanne?” I said, not sure if I was surprised more by her late appearance or her drinking. Both were disconcerting.

“Hi, Mick. Do you know what burned flesh smells like?”

“Uh…not really.”

“Some punks lit an old wino on fire. He lived for a couple of hours afterward. That’s what I spent my day doing. Can you think of a better way to spend a day?”

“Joanne, Alex is worried about you,” I said.

“Oh, she is? So? I’m fine, just fine.”

“She asked me to call her.”

“It’s late. She’s probably asleep. She sleeps regular hours.”

“She sounded pretty worried.”

Joanne shrugged, but didn’t reply. Instead she reached over and picked up my phone, then dialed a number. Alex’s, I assumed.

“Alex? Joanne. I’m with Micky. I’m fine, so don’t worry about me. I was going to have dinner with you tonight to tell you Micky and I are fucking, but I guess you know that by now.”

“Joanne!” I cut in.

“You did test negative, didn’t you, Micky? Alex wants to know, but she’s too polite to ask,” she said, not bothering to cover the receiver.

“Goddamn it, Joanne!” I burst out angrily. Then I grabbed for the receiver, but she kept it away from me.

“Well, did you?” Joanne taunted me.

“Yes. I did,” I answered, realizing that she was deliberately provoking me. I stood back, letting her have the phone. “Don’t worry, she’s drunk, Alex,” I said loudly.

“And getting drunker,” Joanne said. “But you’ve fucked drunks before, haven’t you? I’m just another one.”

“Joanne.”

She held the receiver out to me.

“Come on, you and Alex can compare notes.”

Warily, I took a step toward her to the phone. She calmly handed it to me.

“Alex?”

“Micky? Are you all right?”

“Yeah, I’m…”

Joanne pulled the towel off me and started sucking one of my nipples.

“I’m okay,” I finished, trying to push her away, but she put her arms around me and held on tightly. Fine, I decided, having my tits sucked had never done me any harm.

“Is she really drinking?”

“Yes,” I replied. “It’s okay, I can handle it,” I added with more assurance than I felt.

“Call me in the morning,” Alex responded.

Joanne put her hand between my legs, causing me to grunt. I needed both hands and I needed to get off the phone.

“I have to go, Alex. She’ll be okay,” I said.

“Micky? Tell Joanne that I love her.”

“I will.”

Alex hung up. I tossed the receiver in the direction of the phone, then grasped Joanne by her shoulders and pushed her away from me.

“Hey, Mick, shouldn’t have given me your key if you didn’t want it.” She shrugged, but didn’t fight. She sat back down and took another swig out of the bourbon bottle.

“Alex says she loves you.”

“Who gives a fuck!” Joanne exploded, slamming down the bottle. “She doesn’t know what love is.” She took another angry swallow of bourbon.

“Neither do you, it seems,” I shot back at her.

“Maybe not. Maybe I don’t,” she said softly. She stared fixedly at her hands for a moment. “We’ll never catch them. They poured a bottle of rotgut over him and then threw a match. Random violence. Too random to catch. Unless we get real lucky. Random luck to catch random violence.”

She paused and took another swallow. I was letting her drink, hoping she would pass out, or at least get drunk enough to be quietly led off to bed.

After a few minutes of silence, I said, “Come on, Joanne, let’s get some sleep. We both need it.”

She shook her head slowly. “Can’t sleep,” she replied. “I’ll dream of burned old men and bleeding young women. Did you see her?”

“Who?” I asked, confused.

“From the empty lot. The young…can you call a fifteen-year-old a woman? Can you call someone who slowly bled to death from a botched abortion a girl?”

“No, I didn’t see her.”

“Good. Good for you. Keep her face out of your dreams. The young and the old. That’s who we kill these days. Old men while they sleep and young girls who are desperate. It’s a world gone mad. Fucking mad,” she added savagely.

“It seems that way,” I commented uselessly.

“‘Seems’? They’re dead, aren’t they? I saw their bodies at the morgue. They didn’t ‘seem’ dead to me,” she shouted angrily.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.” I could think of nothing that would defuse Joanne’s fury.

“Don’t say anything,” she retorted. “That’s not what I came here for. If I wanted to talk, I’d be with Alex.”

“Then why are you here? Just to yell at me?”

“To fuck you,” Joanne said bluntly. “To get drunk, have sex, and forget what I saw at the morgue today. Do you want to fuck?”

“Joanne…”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No, you can stay,” I answered.

She got up and came to me, then kissed me, a heavy, wet kiss. I could taste the sharp bite of bourbon on her tongue and lips.

Why not? I suddenly thought. Why not get drunk every once in a while? When bodies, or memories, piled up and needed to be pushed aside for a few hours?