- •I dumped a can of cat food into her bowl, then stumbled toward the bathroom, her official feeding ground. Needless to say, there was a nearly full bowl of food already there.
- •I pulled up my pants leg, fully exposing the scar. Only then did Joanne drop her hand.
- •I looked into my coffee cup, but no answers were there. “Yes,” I finally said.
- •I looked them over. Danny was right, well, not quite. “Danny said you were hot. She didn’t say molten,” I let out.
- •I bowed to her as the first soft notes of the music began, then her hand was in mine and my arm around her waist.
- •I laughed, caught happily by her confidence in me and the lift of the music.
- •I walked with them, still puzzling about Cordelia’s toast.
- •I waved it away. I was unnerved by Cordelia standing so close.
- •I didn’t really mean to, but she was standing over me, with that damned slit halfway up her thigh. From my floor perspective I could see way beyond thigh level. So I looked. And she caught me looking.
- •I heard voices from the lawn.
- •I shuddered at the common horror of it. “Can you find out?” I wanted to know this women’s fate, the final details. Knowing, no matter how brutal, would be better than imagining.
- •It doesn’t count, Alex, I silently said to the disappearing car. This morning doesn’t count. It wasn’t a rough act of passion, adultery, if you will. It was the only way to stop my hands from shaking.
- •I gave up on reading, not feeling much wiser.
- •I nodded. Nuns lied, I was sure, but only if they thought they were doing it for God.
- •I stood up and extended a hand.
- •I nodded my head, remembering some of the older nuns I had met. I wondered why Sister Ann had decided to answer my questions.
- •I nodded. I would ask Bernie about it.
- •I remembered the letter from the ones Cordelia had shown me. It was to Peterson, r.N., and commented on her insatiable sexual appetite, accusing her of sleeping with a different man every night.
- •I gave her directions, glad that she was interested.
- •I nodded.
- •I wanted to get up and hit him. He was good. But only if you were on his side.
- •I stood up. Joanne walked over to Cordelia and put her hand on Cordelia’s shoulder.
- •I was awakened a few bare hours later by the phone ringing. Joanne answered it.
- •I stuck my head out to observe, but didn’t move to interfere. Millie could probably handle him better than I could. Another figure in white came up behind him.
- •I got up, motioning Cordelia to her chair. I perched on a window sill behind her, looking protectively over her shoulder. She needed to be sitting for what o’Connor was going to tell her.
- •I finally turned from the window when all the footsteps had ceased echoing in the hallway.
- •I suddenly felt tired, letting myself lean against my car, enervated by the day. I didn’t feel up to parading around Danny’s house with Alex there, pretending I wasn’t sleeping with Joanne.
- •I got in my car. Joanne appeared at my window, leaning on the door.
- •I fell back asleep.
- •I headed for the clinic. Since it was Thursday they had evening hours. Cordelia should still be there, I told myself as I turned into the parking lot.
- •I sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping my clothes on.
- •I borrowed a note pad from Bernie, on which I made up a list of probable license plate numbers.
- •I draped my arm across her shoulders. “Alex, if Joanne is insane enough to throw you over for me, then she’s too crazy for me to want to be with.”
- •I shrugged. I didn’t care to tell Aunt Greta anything about Cordelia.
- •I wondered why Cordelia, as upset as she was with me, had chosen to tangle with my Aunt Greta.
- •I caught sight of Cordelia over Emma’s shoulder. She’d obviously heard the last part of our conversation. Her face was somber.
- •I stood, brushed off my knees, and without saying anything, let myself out of her office.
- •I heard the door open behind me.
- •I looked at Elly, wondering what she wanted from me.
- •I didn’t reply, knowing that he wanted me to ask.
- •I stood still, taut, sampling the air.
- •I entered Cordelia’s office, aware of o’Connor’s eyes on my back. I paced as I waited for her, unable to be still. About a minute later, she entered.
- •I walked out first, followed by Cordelia, then o’Connor. I wanted to protect her, at least deflect the staring gazes.
- •I was hearing a confession, I realized.
- •I sat, trying to read Dante, and waited for the phone to ring.
- •I waited while Bernie turned off the lights and locked up. It was after six.
- •I savored the forbidden bourbon I found in her mouth, thrusting my tongue deeply inside to find the hard taste of it.
- •I got in bed. She stood, watching me, then swung a leg over me, sitting astride my stomach.
- •I lay still, rigid, as her fingers moved in me, trying to feel as little as possible. I knew that somewhere there was a Joanne who would be appalled at what she was doing.
- •I rolled over to her side of the bed, then sat up. I reached out my hand to her.
- •I had to look away from her before I could answer. “Yes. Yes, he did.”
- •I instinctively tightened my arms about her, holding her close.
- •I nodded and he continued.
- •It was my turn to look at Sister Ann oddly. “Besides,” I continued, “I doubt Cordelia prefers the company of women.” I didn’t think she would like me coming out for her, particularly to a nun.
- •I nodded, suddenly wondering what it had been like for Cordelia to struggle against what everyone thought she should be, those generations of expectations.
- •I’d supped and showered and was sitting reading when the phone rang. About time, I thought, wondering which of my long-absent friends had finally remembered my existence.
- •I just let her cry. As she had no words for my pain, I found none for hers.
- •I was caught for a moment, looking into her eyes, then I had to glance away. My stomach had just done a very complicated somersault and I didn’t want her noticing.
- •I sat on the side of Elly’s chair and put my arm around her shoulders. “You want to do some forgettable things?”
- •If this was what morality and celibacy did for you, I was glad I had done such a good job of avoiding them both.
- •I jerked against my bonds, more in fury than in any real hope that they would come undone. He calmly ignored my struggling. Even if I got loose, I wasn’t likely to get past him to freedom.
- •I jerked and pulled at the ropes holding me, unable to stay still and let the horror of my death sink in.
- •I galloped across the parking lot as he got out of his car.
- •I did as I was told. The door opened. Cordelia stepped in.
- •I took off my jacket and gun and put them on a chair. Then I stood still, waiting for her to move. I realized I needed her to want me enough to come to me.
- •I stared at Cordelia, “How did you…?”
- •I moaned softly as she covered me.
- •I kissed her again. Thoroughly.
- •I defiantly kept my hand where it was.
- •I knew she didn’t expect an answer, but I gave her one anyway.
- •I nodded. I knew that.
- •I stared at her, completely nonplused.
- •I was still unable to look at Danny. Or Elly. I turned away, leaning onto the counter.
- •I noticed that Danny had wet streaks down her cheeks.
- •I looked at this pink-faced man in a wheelchair, wondering how he was going to kill me. Then I glanced around, sure Frankenstein was going to emerge from one of the doors in the hallway.
- •I extended a hand to help her up.
- •I started to turn to her, but Bernie edged between Elly and Millie.
- •I stared at him. He could have said, “She was my second grade guppy,” for all the remorse in his voice. “Your girlfriend?” I shot back incredulously. “Did you plant her in the clinic?”
- •I roughly pulled him up. “I’ll tell you what went wrong. Betty really was pro-life. She started asking questions. And she realized your answers weren’t her answers.”
- •I gave her an as-delicate-as-possible version of my meeting with Randall Sarafin.
- •I looked at her. Nuns weren’t supposed to approve of lesbians.
- •I shrugged. It was too hot to get into all this.
- •I stopped, taking a drink of the unlabeled juice.
- •I nodded yes.
- •I made an angry gesture.
- •I didn’t tell anyone. I knew they wouldn’t understand or approve.
- •I nodded agreement. I could think of several encounters I would have enjoyed more had I been eating oyster dressing instead of a woman.
- •It was, Joanne said, an ugly conjunction of hatreds.
I suddenly felt tired, letting myself lean against my car, enervated by the day. I didn’t feel up to parading around Danny’s house with Alex there, pretending I wasn’t sleeping with Joanne.
“Wake up, Mick, you haven’t had dinner yet,” Danny chided my nodding head. “By the way,” she continued, “where were you last night?”
“Here, most of it.”
“After that?” she queried.
“In bed asleep,” I replied, giving her a it’s-none-of-your-business glare.
“Whose? I called you this morning around seven,” she said.
“In the shower.”
“…and again around eight.”
Danny, after our affair, always enjoyed being tacky about my random sex life. It used to be a game we played, but I didn’t appreciate it now.
“She’ll meet us there,” Joanne said, as she crossed the parking lot.
“Good, the more the merrier,” Danny said. “That makes eight of us.”
“Sorry, seven,” I said. “I’m exhausted. I’m going to go home and collapse.”
“Sure, Micky. I’m used to you turning down a free meal and booze to go home by yourself,” Danny jibed.
“You do look tired,” Elly backed me up.
“Good night, girls,” I said and headed for my car. I was on the verge of yelling at Danny, telling her to leave me the fuck alone, but my anger wasn’t really toward her, rather the events of the past few days. I was vaguely aware of Danny, Elly, and Cordelia saying good night to me.
I got in my car. Joanne appeared at my window, leaning on the door.
“You okay?” she asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Tired.”
“Is that really all?”
“Yeah. Really. Say hi to Alex for me,” I replied. But I wasn’t able to keep my voice as neutral as I would have liked.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“I’m okay. Just tired,” I covered.
“I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I thought we could be casual. I never meant to hurt you.”
“We are casual. I’ve fucked a lot of women,” I said harshly, barricading myself. “Don’t think…that you matter more than any of the rest of them,” I added callously.
“All right,” Joanne replied shortly.
“Do say hi to Alex for me.”
Joanne straightened up. I took her hand, preventing her from leaving. I watched Danny’s car pull out into the street, followed by Cordelia’s. I turned back to Joanne. I pulled her to me and kissed her. At first she was stiff, unresponsive, then her mouth opened slightly, letting my tongue in. She put her arms around me and returned my kiss roughly.
“Shit,” she said, breaking off. “We can’t do this here.”
“I suppose not.” I started my car. “You know where I live. And you have a key.”
Joanne backed away from my car.
“Good night, Micky,” she said, deliberately not giving me an answer.
“So long,” I said and started to pull away. Out of my rearview mirror, I watched Joanne stalk over to her car. Then I drove away.
She came over after she left Danny and Elly’s place.
Chapter 11
Joanne woke me at an obscene hour in the morning. “I have to go back to my place and change,” she explained.
“Have fun,” I sleepily replied.
“Roll over,” she told me, her hand pressing on my shoulder, forcing me onto my back.
“It’s too early in the morning,” I demurred.
“You wanted me here,” she countered, running her hand across my breasts, then down between my legs.
“Joanne…” I said, but her hand was starting to wake me up. Sleep could wait. I grabbed her, intending to throw her on her back and get on top, but she wrestled me down. Joanne is stronger than she looks, I thought as I lay under her. She was on top of me, holding my wrists in her hands, pinning my arms against the bed.
“Spread your legs,” she ordered.
We were fighting, I realized. Or continuing our sparring from last night. I had won that round by driving away and making her come over here. Now she was paying me back. I kept my legs together, trying to decide how much resistance my pride demanded.
We stared at each other, a battle of wills ensuing. Her weight shifted, pressing between my legs. I stubbornly resisted, even though I wanted her. Slowly her pressure pried my thighs apart.
I jerked up, taking advantage of the lightened pressure on my hands. But I didn’t get free. We grappled for a minute, but I was unable to get her off balance. Her leg was between mine now, pressing into me.
“Spread your legs,” she demanded again.
“Put your finger up me, all the way,” I countered.
“You like that?” she retorted. But her finger was probing into the folds of my flesh, until she found my opening. I gasped as her finger shot into me.
Somehow anger had seeped into our having sex. No, I’d invited it by what I’d said last night.
“Two?” she asked, not waiting for an answer before putting the second finger up me. She pushed hard, deeply into me.
“No,” I grunted at the heavy pressure. I caught her wrist before she could thrust into me again. “No, don’t. I didn’t mean it,” I said.
She pulled her fingers out, but didn’t say anything.
“Last night…in the parking lot…I didn’t mean it,” I clarified.
Joanne took both my hands and held them. We lay like that for a moment, then she softly touched her lips to mine.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“Micky Knight, you are the only person I know who has more defenses than I do,” Joanne replied.
“A record, I suppose.”
“Likely,” she agreed.
“I don’t know what made me say that.”
“I probably scared the shit out of you by suggesting we had gotten more than casual.”
“Yeah, you did,” I said.
“Don’t worry. That makes two of us.”
“What do we do now?”
“I don’t know,” Joanne answered. And there was nothing else to say. We lay quietly, holding one another.
“I do have to go to work,” Joanne finally said. She sat up and swung her legs out of bed.
“When will I see you again,” I asked.
“Soon.”
“Tonight?”
“If you want,” she answered, after a fleeting hesitation.
“If it’s okay,” I backed off, remembering she had other obligations. Another lover. “Maybe some other time would be better.”
“Tonight,” she answered. “But it’ll be late, probably after ten.”
“That’s all right.” I wondered if she was working late or seeing Alex. I didn’t ask.
Joanne hurriedly dressed, kissing me good-bye. Then she left.