Is there hope for men today?
The main point here is that the dating and mating game involves a lot of manipulation by both partners to get what they want. The modern woman is a new close-to-perfect player who has come on the recent scene in our culture. She is educated and uses her "new brain" frontal lobes to think logically and will not be easily fooled by the "ancient male hunter" lies.
The most useful information for both men and women is to understand how many of our desires and needs come from our ancient ancestors' experiences. It is important to recognize that we can use our "new brain" to control and change our behavior to fit present day situations to more effectively produce positive results.
FACT 10: DATING MODERN WOMEN
Modern liberated women have rejected many of the ancient dating and mating rituals and live by new rules. Modern men should be more direct and clear about their desire for sex and what type of a relationship is desired. Communication and negotiation are modern tools modern women and men can both use to get what they each want without getting involved in all the ancient indirect and devious "games".
WOMEN SEARCH FOR THE BEST MAN THEY CAN GET
Women in research studies reported that a man's looks (i.e. his handsome characteristics) are low on their list of desired traits. There are many other male characteristics more important to women. Today's women are driven by BOTH their old brain DNA primal instincts PLUS their educated and logical thinking in their "new brain" frontal lobes. (It doesn't take much of a woman's brain power to choose between a good looking guy riding a bike and a dork driving a Mercedes. The guy with the Mercedes usually wins!)
Educated and "street wise" women today who can take care of themselves can afford to be very picky in selecting a mate. In most western countries men must work really hard at courting a woman to be considered seriously as a possible mate. Here are some things that really turn on a woman's unconscious and conscious drives for a man in today's world: (Below results are from a long term, cross-cultural, international study of women's desires in men for a mate.)
Current Resources and Economic Capacity. Women look for how much territory, tools, and resources a man commands and how willingly he is to share them with her and her offspring. He must demonstrate that he will provide a good life for his family. At her deepest level, the man who wins has the most resources to best help protect and care for her and the offspring.
Social Status, Self-confidence, and Ability to Take Care of Himself and His Family. Women are attracted to power and high status in men. Women shun men who are easily dominated by other men and who have difficulty surviving in today's materialistic world. Research reveals women look for, and place a high value on, men who are intelligent, ambitious, and who work hard for advancement and high goals. Men have a hard time faking this one because it is revealed by habitual body language, speech, and interactions with others. Smart guys practice improving these.
Dependability and Stability. These two important characteristics imply that the man will share his resources and continue reliably protecting and caring for the family in all future unforeseen circumstances. Men fail this category often. It only takes one time to screw-up and miss a date or to "go off in a rant and rage out of control" to be written off by the woman as a looser. Smart guys work to make sure they demonstrate dependability and stability so they can survive in rough times.
Size, Strength, and Age. A large and strong male body can provide protection for the family from dangerous predators. This is not as important as it was 30,000 years ago, but don't forget, women and men are still programmed with old DNA from the past experiences of their ancestors.
Height is an often stated characteristic women desire in a male. In surveys, most women stated the desired height of their mate should be six feet (182.88 cm). Interestingly, the average US male height is 5 feet 9 inches (175.26 cm). If you are a guy who is "height challenged" (i.e. 'short') go after short women. Improved body posture can increase height slightly but most importantly it signals self-confidence. (Guys, suck in your gut, too.)
In most cases today, older men have more material resources, personal power, and are more stable and reliable than younger men. Most women of all ages find older men to be a better risk than with a younger man for a good life with abundance of resources. Since men of all ages have a DNA built-in preference for young women, this means young men are competing against both younger and older men for the young women. That means the lucky young women have a wide range of ages they can choose a mate from.
Health, Cleanliness, and Overall 'Upkeep' of Body. Good health is essential for producing healthy offspring and for a trouble-free, long term relationship with her and the offspring. A man who cannot maintain his own peak health is likely to be a burden to his family in the future. Many men fail this one in the first 10 minutes with a new woman because women use their nose a great deal in unconsciously selecting a mate. A healthy body smells good and is an unconscious "turn-on" for women. A bad smelling man can indicate poor health and make a woman leave immediately.
Love and Commitment. These two words have different meanings in different cultures. When a man in western culture says, "I love you" they usually imply that he is willing to give his full attention and all his resources unselfishly to his mate and offspring. Also implied is the man's promise of future fidelity and continued protection and shared resources. However, sometimes a man will lie to a woman thinking that this will open the door for what he really only wants (sex). Most women know this happens and don't trust any man.
When a woman says that "love" is important, what she is implying is that she wants to insure that his support in the future will continue. His infidelity, and loss of love, could mean redistribution of his resources. A continuing on-going "love connection" is reassuring to the woman for future protection and survival.
Sense of Humor. Research also shows that a man's good sense of humor is favored highly by women. This develops camaraderie and enlivens the relationship better than any other single characteristic. Good humor also signals good intelligence.
Intelligence, Kindness, and Sensitivity. It takes considerable experience and education to resolve family problems in today's complex world. There are few men or women who are equipped to succeed without outside help from family, teachers, or counselors. Quarrels and increasing domestic problems between men and women, who were once "in love", appear more often than not. Intelligence, kindness, and sensitivity are especially important to help one survive in today's world filled with obstacles.
The intellectual capacity to learn how to do problem resolution, plus kindness and sensitivity in relating to others, goes a long way in maintaining a stable family and raising healthy offspring. However, the high divorce rate and number of unhappy people still in marriages indicates that the human brain has not evolved sufficiently to cope well in today's world. Professional help to solve family relationship problems can be priceless. Guys mostly avoid outside help because they think it indicates they are poor hunters and providers. Too bad. Men usually need help more than women because men usually don't have a close support group like most women have.
Even after the childbearing years are over, men and women don't change their preferences much for a mate. Women's preferences for a man stay relatively the same at any age. At the top of men's list of preferences for a woman is usually that she be young, good looking, and sexy - no matter what his age is. That is what worked in ancient times for men to make the healthiest DNA packages (i.e. his offspring). It seems that the software that drives the internal unconscious mental "computer" for mate selection does not come with software upgrades for after the reproductive years! Sounds funny, right?
Guys, you know what you want but you are competing with all the other guys to get it. Remember that the woman is ultimately the one who decides who she gives herself to. The rule for mating in western cultures is this:
Men must court and women will select. That means the guys who work hardest and smartest at courting will win!
FACT 11: WHAT MODERN WOMEN WANT FROM MODERN MEN
Men dating today's modern women must follow new rules. The ancient programming in men's DNA does not work well today with smart modern women. Both men and women need to use their logical and rational mind to make decisions about dating and mating. Honest communication is priceless when discussing what each desires and expects from the other as a mate.
Relationships Begin with an Attraction between Two People. Men and women both say physical appearance is important, but for different reasons!
Men are unconsciously attracted to women who exhibit these characteristics.
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Women are unconsciously attracted to men who exhibit these characteristics:
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FUTURE MATES LOOK FOR SIMILARITIES IN EACH OTHER
If there are enough similarities, the two people may agree to spend time together in an ongoing relationship. There are a huge number of possible areas where the two may have common interests. Here are some of the most frequently listed similar areas desired in partners.
Similar interests and goals. Sharing time together involved in a mutually interesting project is one of the better aspects of a long term relationship. However, periodically doing different things with people other than the partner is also important to prevent "burn out" in a relationship. Don't expect your partner to satisfy all your needs.
Similar sexual appetites. Unfortunately, sex drive in men and women has evolved differently. Most men's interest in sex remains strong from puberty up to senility. Not so with women!
Costs vs Rewards Must Be Fair
After two people have lived together for a time, the cost/reward ratio must be fair and equal for a continued happy relationship.
Are the costs in time, energy, and commitment worth the rewards in the relationship? Both partners must put much of themselves and their resources into a relationship. That is the "cost" of the relationship. The "rewards" are all the things that make the relationship enjoyable and satisfying. If the ratio between the costs and rewards are not equal for both partners, one partner is going to feel ripped-off and feel used. It is going to be an unequal and unfair relationship. Continuation of the relationship will not be satisfying and will not be a wise investment for the one on the short end.
After the "love" wears thin, the real-life decision for continuing the relationship is based on the "bottom line": costs vs rewards. Are both partners contributing equally to the relationship and life together? If the costs vs rewards ratio is unfair, stress and resentment will cause daily emotional discomfort and eventually disease and an early death.
Fact 12: What Latest Research Reveals About Relationships
Men and women are attracted to different characteristics in a mate. Studying these differences in both you and your partner can greatly improve your relationship.
Thanks for taking your time to read. Hope you have got great tips to help you improve on your dating skills or relationship.
For men, I would say; have a wonderful sex life and women; please enjoy a great relationship.
Nelson I. Ezeh (HRH)
2012
Unity, Knowledge and Progress