The theater is not your living room.

(I’m counting movie theaters, Broadway theaters . . . theaters in the park).

I repeat:

It’s not your living room.

It’s simple.

If it’s that hard not to talk for two hours, maybe you ought to keep your ass home!

Here’s the point. Everybody has paid their $75,000 to get into the movie, and they want to watch it, or see the show. So why do you feel the need to pretend like you’re sitting in your living room having a conversation with your husband?

What gives anyone the nerve to step on my right to enjoy myself in silence? If you want to talk through it—go home! And why, in the movies, are you surprised when suddenly the usher comes up and goes, “ ’Scuse me. You are talking way too much.” Now everybody is distracted. Congratulations, you have created an issue where there didn’t have to be one. You’ve brought attention where you didn’t have to have it. You’ve disrupted everybody’s good time. All you had to do was know where you are . . . which is NOT at home!

The movies

Now. There are cultural differences that exist when you go to certain movies. Sometimes when you go to the movies in, say, a black neighborhood, folks talk to the screen. Know that. That’s part of the show. I don’t know why. It’s what happens sometimes. White neighborhoods don’t seem to talk to the screen. Unless it’s Rocky Horror.

But if you’re in the theater, and you’re the only one making noise . . . there’s a problem. If you can hear yourself in the movies . . . there’s a problem. Can you guess what it is? Run to the mirror. What do you see?

You. Yes, you.

Imagine a movie you want to see, that you were enthralled by, and you’ve got some bonehead giving you play-by-play or asking about the Sno-Caps. Or talking about the fact that you don’t think that actress is all that great . . . or that she’s any good in this movie. Who wants to hear it? You don’t want to hear that. You’re shushing people when you’re watching TV at home, so why do you think it’s OK to go to the movies and act out? Have a little consideration for your neighbors who are sitting around you. Staring laser beams at the back of your head.

Because if everybody starts to exhibit that kind of behavior, you’ve got all kinds of problems.

So remember. Know where you are. And if you’re in a movie where everybody is talking, knock yourself out. But if you are not, then—how can I put this nicely?—shut up!

Oh, and don’t bring little kids to the movies. You know what I mean. I mean the movies that are not meant for little kids. I understand sometimes you don’t have any money to get a babysitter and you just really want to go to the movies. OK. Go in the morning. Go to the ten a.m. show. Don’t go to the eight p.m. show. Because you know babies are going to be cranky. Or it’s going to be too loud for them. Or too scary for them.

So if you find yourself desperate to get out of the house and go to the movies, go early, because you know you’re going to have to get up and leave because the baby doesn’t want to be there anyway in the dark, just sitting there. Kids don’t sit still. And their attention span is relatively short. So they psych you out for like, twenty minutes, and then they go off.

Who’s enjoying the movie now? You? The baby? . . . Nobody!

And think about that child. Some kids have issues, like being sound sensitive. You need to know that before you take them into the THX theater. That big low rumble that sounds so great to us when the mother ship is landing may not sound all that great to a kid. And they can’t explain it. They may not have the words yet, so they do the next best thing. Flip out.

And little kids will talk through a movie. “What is that?” “Why is he doing that?” “When is this going to be over?” “Can we go?” “I have to go to the bathroom.” “Could I have something to eat?”

So if it’s not the best experience for you, for the kid, or for the people in the theater with you, doesn’t it seem like a lot of trouble for a $25 soda?