Chapter Twenty

Abby answered the phone on Thursday morning and was surprised to hear Margaret O'Connor's voice.

"Well, hello, Margaret. I'm pleased to hear from you."

"Did Clancy tell you she had dinner with us last night?"

"She did. She said she felt much better after seeing you all, as a matter of fact.

"Oh, that's good to know. It's obvious she's having a tough time with this, but I started thinking this morning, and I realized that this has to be even harder for you. Do you have people to talk to about this, Abby?"

Abby felt a few tears sting her eyes and she took in a deep breath. "I think I see where Clancy gets her good-heartedness from. Yes, I told my parents, and I have friends who know the whole story. They're good listeners, too."

"Why don't you and I meet for lunch today?" Margaret offered. "I'm worried about you."

"All right. Hayley's taking my car this afternoon, but I'm free until about one or so. Let me come up there - I know you can't get away for long."

"Great. Come to my shop, and we'll walk down the street to grab a bite."

Abby parked her car right in front of O'Connor's Floral Creations and smiled when she saw Margaret behind the counter. "Oh, good, you're here," she said when Abby poked her head in. She turned and called to the back, "Angela, I'm leaving now. Be back in an hour," then grabbed her bag and stepped around the counter to join Abby.

"So, this is where young Clancy spent her Saturdays," Abby said, a fond smile on her face.

"This is it. She was either here or putting in a pool someplace." She shook her head and said, "Most kids would call the authorities to complain about the child labor laws, but she liked to be with us."

"I know. She speaks fondly of those times." They left the shop and walked down the street, stopping at a small, authentic-looking 50s diner.

"Is this okay?" Margaret asked. "It's not fancy, but the chocolate malts are lethally good."

"Looks great."

"Does Clancy know you're here?" Margaret asked when they stepped inside the cool, cozy space.

"No. I, uhm … didn't have time to tell her."

"Well, she'll be jealous. She loves the malts here more than … more than trees, and that's saying something!"

Abby smiled and pulled her cell phone from her purse, quickly dialing a number. "Don't eat lunch," she said, smiling at Margaret. "I'm bringing you a surprise. Bye now." She clicked off and said, "Thanks. I've been neglecting her horribly. Maybe this will let her know I'm thinking of her."

"She knows you love her, Abby," Margaret said. "I was pleased that you've told each other that, by the way. It was pretty obvious when you were at our house."

"I'm always the last to know," Abby said. "Sometimes my own feelings are very well-hidden from me."

Their server came, and after ordering, Margaret leaned back in the booth and asked, "Are you making any progress with your daughter?"

"Not much," Abby said, shaking her head. "She's worse than I am when it comes to talking about personal things. We had one big blow-up, but that's about it. She's not rude, and she talks about things in general - but she won't talk about this until she feels ready."

"Mmm … well, she'll broach the subject at some point, won't she?"

Abby played with the salt and pepper shakers, shifting them back and forth across the Formica nervously. "I suppose so. But we might not resolve anything before she goes back to school."

Margaret looked at her for a moment, seeing the lines of worry etched into her forehead. "Abby, what do you see happening here?"

"What do you mean?"

"What's your wish for how this will play out? What would you like to have happen?"

"Oh." She looked up at her and cocked her head in thought. "I'm hoping that Hayley comes to accept Clancy, and that we can get on with our lives."

"What about your son?"

"Oh. Well, Trevor is in Europe for the rest of the summer. I wrote to him, but I haven't heard back." She sucked at her cheek, and Margaret could see her working the skin between her teeth. "I hope he takes it better than Hayley did."

Margaret shot her a worried glance and followed up. "What if he doesn't? Your friends and neighbors will all learn about this, too, Abby, and the rest of your family. Haven't you given any thought to how you'll handle all of that?"

"No," she mumbled. "This is all so new to me, Margaret. Clancy and I just said we loved each other the day before Hayley came back. I'm … I'm doing the best I can."

Margaret reached across the table and grasped her hand, giving it a squeeze. "I'm not criticizing you, Abby. I just don't want my little girl to get hurt if you decide you can't be with her - for whatever reason. It worries me that you haven't given much thought to the long term."

"I guess we haven't," she said quietly. "I suppose I thought things would just work out as we encountered problems."

"I hope you know that I'm on your side. I want this to work out - because it's what Clancy wants. But there are things you two have to agree upon if you're going to be successful."

"Like what?" Abby asked, looking up at her through a lock of hair that had fallen in her face. She looked like a teenager who was being scolded for not having her homework done, and Margaret suddenly felt thirty years older than her companion.

"Do you want to live together? Are you ready to welcome Clancy into your social circle? Do you feel comfortable with her friends? And what about children? Clancy loves kids. Are you ready to start over and have another baby in the house?"

The questions were making Abby's head hurt, and she cursed at herself for having agreed to this lunch at all. "We haven't discussed any of that. I just know that I love her, and I'll do anything to make her happy."

"No, you won't." Margaret leveled her gaze and said, "You're a mother. I can see how much you love your children. If the decision comes down to Clancy or your kids, I think we both know that Clancy's going to lose."

"It won't come to that," Abby said firmly. "My kids love me, and once they see that this makes me happy, they won't stand in the way."

"I hope your kids are extraordinary," she said softly, "because most kids think of themselves first - and their parents last."

Abby walked into the house at one o'clock, and Hayley jumped to her feet. "Where've you been? I'm gonna be late!"

Feeling perturbed at the young woman, Abby just placed her keys on the counter and said, "Then get going." She walked out to the patio and called, "Clancy! I brought you lunch!"

When she turned back around, Hayley was looking at her, a contrite smile on her face. "Sorry, Mom. I didn't mean to snap at you."

"That's all right. My nerves are a little on edge, too. Will I see you later?"

"Mmm … not sure. Do you need a definite answer?"

"No. I can make something simple for dinner. I'll see you when I see you."

Clancy came stomping across the patio just then, trying to knock some mud from her boots. She looked up and nodded to Hayley, who nodded back, then gave her mother a quick kiss and took off. "Well, that was progress," Clancy said. "She didn't belt me."

Abby smiled, but otherwise ignored the comment. "I brought you a little treat," she said, extending the malt and a white bag.

Ripping off her gloves, the younger woman took a long sip, rolling her eyes in pleasure. "Where did you get this?"

"Sierra Madre. Your mother invited me to lunch."

"This'd better be a double cheeseburger," she said, eyes sparkling as she hefted the bag.

"It is. Want me to put the fries in the broiler to crisp them up?"

"No, thanks. My stomach's not at all picky." She started to wolf down the meal, eating faster than Abby had ever seen her.

"Were you really starving?" she asked.

"Hell, yes! I normally eat at 11:00 or 11:30, but we were trying to use up this batch of mortar before lunch. Then you called, so I'm two hours overdue!" Swallowing a bit of the thick malt, she asked, "So what's up with you and my mom? Are you conspiring against me?"

"Hardly. She's just concerned for us and for me. She's a very caring woman."

"She is," Clancy agreed. "I see that much more now that I'm out of the house. It's hard to view your mom objectively when you live together." Clancy put her head down and paired bites of her burger with sips of her malt, finishing both before Abby could believe her eyes. She stood and stretched, then burped noisily. "Good meal," she said, patting her stomach. "Thanks for taking care of the laborer. I've got to get back to work - the guys took their lunch at the normal time, and I'm in charge of setting the stones."

"Hey, Clancy?" Abby asked quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Do you have any plans for the weekend? I, uhm… I'd really like to see you."

Looking at her curiously, Clancy said, "You can see me any time you want. Don't you know that?"

"I suppose I do," she said tentatively. "It's… you haven't… well, you haven't brought it up…"

Clancy stepped closer and said, "Look, Abby. I'm not the kind of woman who's gonna beg you to spend time with me. You're the one with the issue here. I'd be with you every moment if you wanted me to be."

"I'm sorry," she said, biting her lower lip to keep her emotions in check. "I just miss you."

Running her callused hand along Abby's arm, Clancy met her eyes and said softly, "I miss you, too. When do you want to get together?"

"Uhm … if her schedule holds, Hayley's going to invite some of her high school friends over for a barbeque on Saturday night. Are you free in the afternoon?"

"No, but I can get free."

"What did you have planned?" Abby asked.

"Oh, it's a friend's birthday party. A bunch of people I know are having a big bash for her. It won't kill me to miss it."

"No, you should go. You've already accepted the invitation, right?"

"Yeah." She looked down at her boots and said, "You could go with me."

Abby smiled and nodded. "It's a date."

That night, Clancy headed out to bowl in her league. She'd already told the whole team about Abby, and they were all interested in the latest developments. The five-some gathered around her, heads together, while Clancy told all.

She felt better for having a group of friends she could talk to, and all of them were sympathetic to her plight. With various expressions of "good luck," the claque spread out and began to lace up their shoes.

They were about half-way through the first game when Clancy's friend Janet sat down next to her and handed her a beer. "Thanks," Clancy said, taking a drink. "I'm glad I was able to come tonight. I feel a lot better."

"I'm glad," Janet said, clinking the neck of her bottle against her friend's. She gave Clancy a tentative smile, looking like she wanted to speak but unable to start.

"Spill it," Clancy said, giving her a wry smile. "I know you wanna give me some advice."

Eyes wide, Janet said, "No, no, not advice … exactly. I'm just … I'm worried about you, Clance. You've never had a lover like this, and I …"

"Go on," Clancy said, nudging her friend with her shoulder. "I don't mind."

Janet, looking much more relaxed, scooted around so she faced Clancy. This gave them a little bit of privacy on the long, L-shaped bench. "Donna took me to hell and back for six years, and I don't want something like that to happen to you."

Clancy gave her friend a wry laugh. "I don't wanna go to hell, but if I do, I'd sure like to come back."

Giving her a playful slap, Janet said, "I'm being serious. I don't want you to get fucked over."

Standing, Clancy said, "I'm up. Be right back." She bowled the frame, then returned, sliding onto the molded plastic seat. "Go."

"Okay. Here's the deal. Donna loved me; I know she did. But she could never get off the fence. She couldn't ignore the religious crap she'd been fed, she couldn't ever get up the nerve to tell her family, she couldn't tell the people she worked with. It was always something … and it always sucked!"

"But you stayed with her for six years," Clancy said. "It couldn't have always sucked."

"No, of course it didn't. But I was stupid. I kept trying to get her to give me something she couldn't give."

Clancy put her arm around her friend's shoulders and pulled her close. "I seem to remember that you had to practically hold a gun to her head to get her to have sex."

"Yeah," Janet admitted. "She could only really let go if she got carried away for some reason, or when she was drunk."

Giving her a half-smile, Clancy said, "Well, being drunk always helps." Janet's eyes widened, and Clancy said, "I'm kidding. I prefer to have sex when I'm sober." She waited a beat and added, "So does Abby."

"But she's weird about it, right?" Janet asked.

"No, she isn't," Clancy said. "Not at all. She actually made the first move the first time we made love. And even though we have some tense moments, they're just moments. She loves to have sex with me, Janet. A lot," she added for emphasis.

"But it's only been a few weeks," Janet warned.

"True. But if she stops wanting to kiss me and touch me, we're gonna get to the bottom of it. I'm not going to stay with her if she doesn't feel good about having sex. Period."

Clancy's gray eyes were cool and determined, and Janet nodded. "Okay, bud. I don't wanna tell you what to do … really. I just want you to be on your toes."

"I am," Clancy said. "I love Abby more than I've ever loved another woman, but I'm not gonna give up sex to keep her. That wouldn't be fair to either of us. If she's not cool with lesbian sex, she should find another man and I should find another woman."

Janet slapped her hard on the leg. "That's good to hear." She got up to take her turn and planted a kiss on Clancy's head. "I hope you can stick to your guns. I couldn't."

On the drive home, Clancy keep mulling over Janet's comments. I think I've got this all figured out, but if Abby starts having second thoughts, I'm really not sure I'd have the guts to leave her. How do you leave someone you love so much?

Abby stuck her head out the back door just as the crew was finishing up on Friday. "Clancy? Got a minute?"

The landscaper nodded and waved goodbye to her men, then walked over to the house. She kicked off the dirt caked onto her boots, then removed them before she went inside. As always, she was greeted by a pair of joyous pups, and she looked up from their adulation to ask, "Hayley gone?"

"Yeah. She went to Old Pasadena for dinner and a movie. Are you busy tonight?"

"No," Clancy said, feeling a little resentful that Abby would only see her if Hayley was out of the house.

"I'm going over to Pam and Maria's, and I thought you might like to go with me."

Raising an eyebrow, Clancy asked, "Can I get the first lick in?"

"Lick?"

"We're going over to beat the snot out of Alyssa, right?" She broke into laughter as soon as she said it, making Abby laugh as well.

"No, apparently she's feeling bad enough without being beaten. She thinks she's made Hayley hate me. Maria says she asks about me every day, and she prays for Hayley and me at night."

"Not me, huh?"

Abby helplessly shrugged her shoulders. "You know how kids are. She relates to the mother/child thing."

"Are you sure you want me to go?"

Looking at her for a moment, Abby said, "I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't." She reached out and touched Clancy's shoulder. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, yeah." The architect squatted down to play with the dogs again. "I'll go home and shower, then swing by to get you."

"I could walk …"

"No way. That's what you did last time; I don't wanna jinx this visit."

Clancy returned about an hour later, and Abby still felt that her partner was acting a little strange. But Clancy wasn't very chatty, and Abby didn't think it wise to press the issue. She knew that Clancy was pretty direct and assumed the younger woman would talk about what was bothering her eventually - if anything was. The short drive to her friends' home passed in awkward silence.

The adults were all a little uncomfortable with each other, given the way their last gathering had ended, but Alyssa acted both sad and withdrawn for a good, long time. Abby tried to draw her out, to no end, but Clancy eventually convinced her to show her some of her toys. They were gone for a while, and Abby and Pam eventually went down the hall to peek in. Clancy was sitting on the floor, and Alyssa was taking her temperature while listening to her heartbeat with a real stethoscope.

"I hope Maria never brings home scalpels," Pam whispered, making Abby suppress a giggle. They tiptoed away, speaking in their normal voices when they got to the living room. "Clancy's really good with her," Pam said.

"Well, she's the closest in age," Abby said, smirking. "No, that wasn't a jibe," she insisted when Maria gave her a look. "I mean that in the best way. There's a lot of kid left in Clancy, and I hope it stays there for a very long time."

"She's helping to bring out the kid in you again, Abby," Pam said. "It's been gone for quite a while."

"Since Will died," she said quietly. "It's funny," she said after a moment of reflection, "I knew that I wasn't enjoying life like I used to, but things just didn't seem fun to me anymore. I couldn't understand how the world kept turning and how people continued to go on with their lives like nothing had happened. I couldn't see what was so damned entertaining." She gazed towards Alyssa's room, a gentle smile blooming on her mouth. "When I'm with her, I see the humor in things again. Everything is brighter and more colorful when we're together." She looked thoughtful as she added, "I never thought I'd say this, but she's worth every bit of the trouble I'm having with Hayley. I feel centered, and desired, and vibrant again. Getting that is worth risking everything."

"You deserve that, Abby," Pam agreed. "Everyone does."

Clancy and Alyssa finally returned, and Abby noticed that Clancy now sported plastic bandages on both of her hands. "We missed you two," she said. She gestured to Alyssa, and with a bit of hesitation, the girl walked over to her and allowed Abby to pull her onto her lap. "Your moms bought all of the things we need to make steak enchiladas," she said, "but they don't know how to make them. Wanna help me?"

"What do I have to do?" the girl asked. "I don't know much."

"I need someone to make the tortillas. You know - Hayley's job."

The little girl gave her a puzzled look, then shot a quick glance to her moms, and when they each gave her an encouraging nod, she got up and took Abby's hand. "Will you show me how?"

"Of course I will," Abby assured her, draping an arm across her narrow shoulders. They went into the kitchen, leaving Clancy to wish she could tag along. When they got there, Abby commented, "You know, I think Hayley was about your age when she started being a big help in the kitchen. Making tortillas was one of her first accomplishments."

"Do you really think I can?" Allysa asked, eyes wide.

"Yep. I know you love 'em, so why not learn how to make 'em?"

The delight in the little girl's eyes was almost too much for Abby to witness, recalling how proud Hayley was of herself the first time she perfected the technique. Will had made such a fuss over the child - promising to substitute tortillas for bread from that moment on - that Hayley willingly helped in the kitchen at every occasion.

Abby explained and demonstrated the technique to Alyssa, smiling when the child studied her with her usual laser-like focus, then tried her hand. The small hands kneaded the dough into suppleness, then formed irregular, rough rounds. She watched, fascinated, while Abby put them in a tortilla press and cooked them briefly on a hot, dry griddle, then swooned when Abby spooned a dollop of guacamole onto a still-warm tortilla and fed her a bite. "That's the best thing I ever ate!" she cried excitedly. "Can I give some to my moms?"

"Sure, honey. I'll cook the rest while you're gone."

"No! Don't do another one until I get back!" she ordered, scampering to the living room to deliver her creation. She was back in a flash, beaming proudly. "They loved 'em!"

"Of course they did," Abby said, giving her a warm hug. "The next time I want tortillas, I'm calling you!"

The glee vanished immediately from Alyssa's features. "Won't Hayley ever do it again?"

Abby sat on a step-stool to equalize their heights, then placed her hands on Alyssa's shoulders. "Of course she will, honey. She's just unhappy right now."

" 'Cause of Clancy," she said quietly. "And 'cause I told her you like girls."

"Hey, sweetie," Abby said, lifting her chin to force eye contact. "I don't know where you got that idea, but it's not true. Hayley and I are just having a fight. This is about us - Hayley and me. It has nothing to do with you, baby I promise you."

"But I told … she wouldn't know …"

"Also not true. I was going to tell her that night or the next night, Alyssa. She would have been mad whether I told her, or you did. I mean that."

"Why is she mad?" Alyssa asked, staring at Abby guilelessly. "Is it because you like girls now? My moms like girls … does she still like them?"

Abby wrapped her in a hug, closing her eyes tightly to avoid crying. She rocked her gently, cooing into her ear, "Of course she likes your moms, honey. She's … she's just having a hard time."

Reflecting her current fascination with fathers and her lack of one, she said quietly, "Maybe she misses her daddy."

Patting her gently, Abby nodded. "I'm sure she does, honey. I miss him, too."

"But you have Clancy now, huh?"

"I do," Abby said. "Clancy makes me happy, very happy."

"Maybe Hayley needs a Clancy, too," the little girl said thoughtfully.

That's part of the problem!

After exhausting their knowledge of current events and the never-changing weather, Maria tried to keep the conversation flowing in the living room. She tossed off what sounded like a casual comment, when it was, in fact, anything but casual. Nonetheless, she thought she could pull it off, given the dearth of topics to broach. "Clancy, I feel totally ignorant about your profession. We'd love to know more about what you do."

"Sure," the young woman said, still sitting on the chair like her underwear was too tight. "What do you want to know?"

"Well … do you have a post-graduate degree of some sort?"

"No. I went to Cal-Poly Pomona. It's a four-year degree program. You can get a master's degree, but I don't have one."

"Do you have a license?" Maria asked.

"Yeah," Clancy said, looking wary. "Why?"

"Oh! Well, I was talking to someone, and she … well … uhm … she said that most landscape architects don't …" She trailed off, feeling Clancy's gray eyes boring into her.

"Why don't you ask me what you really wanna know?" she asked, suddenly looking completely comfortable. She leaned forward and put her forearms on her knees. "Come on, ask."

Maria felt like she was being interrogated for a murder she didn't commit. A quick glance at Pam didn't help, since her partner was investigating the stucco ceiling with great interest. "I, uhm … looked on the Internet … just because I wanted to know more about what you do -"

"Don't bullshit me, Maria," Clancy said flatly. "I hate bullshit."

The doctor knew she was caught, so she gathered her courage and told the truth. "Fine. We don't know anything about you, and we asked around a little bit. I talked to a guy who's a pretty well-known landscape architect, and he said he'd never heard of you. He also said you sounded more like a garden designer than an architect. I thought … well, I thought you might have been lying to Abby. I wanted to check to make sure you are who you said you were."

The blonde leaned back in her chair. "Thanks for being honest." She crossed an ankle over her knee and stared at Maria again. "I am a landscape architect, but I'm not a typical one."

"What … what does that mean?"

"That means," Clancy said, "that I wanted to be trained and qualified to do the kinds of projects that interest me. My dad's company does water features, and I like to do them, too. But I didn't want some asshole with manicured fingernails and an L.L. Bean briefcase to tell me how he wanted me to do it. I wanted to be able to do the design and make sure the drainage was correct and make sure the soil was stable. That's what an architect does."

"But … Abby says you're out in her yard digging and working harder than your staff …"

Clancy sat up a little taller and said, "That's because I like to do that kind of work. I like to get my hands dirty. I like to plant, not just tell someone else what to plant. I like to sweat and have big muscles and callused hands. I don't have to … I want to. I could work for a well-known firm and just sit in front of a computer all day doing the designing," she made a face, showing her distaste for such a job, "but I'd rather work on a chain-gang. I like being outside every single day. I like being my own boss. I like lying under a shade tree with my crew while we each lunch. That's who I am."

"I wasn't implying-"

"Yes, you were," Clancy said, interrupting her. "You don't want Abby to be with some grimy kid who plays in the dirt. You don't mind if she eats pussy, you just want her to eat the proper pussy." She stood up, looking much taller than her height. "Well, I might not be from an old Pasadena family, but Abby loves me. And if you want her to be happy, you'll get over yourselves and try to get to know me - 'cause I'm not going anywhere!" With that, she went into the bathroom, leaving Pam and Maria to stare at each other.

"I told you not to meddle," Pam said slowly.

"Fuck!" Maria slapped herself in the head. "Abby's gonna kill me!"

Pam walked over and put her arm around her lover. "No, she won't. I don't think Clancy'll tell her."

"What?"

"You heard me. I think she'll keep this among us. There's something about that kid that makes me think she won't want Abby to know about this."

"Why?" Maria asked, looking at Pam like she was delusional. "You saw how mad she was!"

"Yeah, she's mad all right, but telling Abby would only make Abby mad, too. I don't think Clancy would do that." She extended a hand and helped Maria to her feet. "You were right about Clancy. She's a lot more mature than she looks." She kissed her lover on the cheek. "You should have remembered that before you tried to trap her. Now go catch her and apologize when she comes out of the bathroom. I'll go into the kitchen and make sure no one interrupts."

"I screwed up, didn't I?" Maria asked.

"Yeah, you did, but I think we learned a lot about Clancy tonight. Not the way I would have liked to learn that she can take care of herself, but …"

"I just hope to God that she doesn't tell Abby," Maria said. "'Cause she'd kick my ass if she found out!"