Sibling rivalry
1. Read the article and note down the methods which are recommended for
Avoiding the build-up of tension which leads to conflict
Dealing with conflicts already in progress
Punishing bad behaviour
2. Match each item on the left with an item on the right to make a commonly-used phrase.
fight retain break ease lose be end come up with take it tell someone |
at each other’s throats face in tears like cat and dog your sanity the rules in turns tension a solution your side of the story |
Nine-year-old Tom and five-year-old Camilla can fight like cat and dog. Never mind that their father is an eminent child psychologist. “Sibling rivalry” – as the professionals smoothly term these quarrels – is as old as the Bible and affects most families.
During half term, Britain will resound with maternal cries of ‘stop fighting’ and childish rejoinders of ‘he hit me first’. Now that the quick smack is increasingly out of fashion, especially since the recent Scottish Law Commission’s recommendations that hitting a child violently should be made illegal, how should a parent retain their sanity?
“Break the rules,” says Charlie Lewis (lecturer in psychology at Lancaster University and father of Tom and Camilla). “Bribery is not only acceptable, but essential. Offer them chocolate or a trip to the park if they stop quarrelling.”
Sending a child to a grandparent’s or friend’s house can also help, says Dr Lewis, who battled with his four brothers in an 18-year-long fight. “If you can’t do this, avoid pressure building up during the day by organizing an outing during the later afternoon or early evening. A walk can ease tension and calm you down for the forthcoming bath and bed battles.”
If warfare has already broken out, Dr Lewis will threaten the aggressor with ‘severe trouble’ if the fighting escalates. If that does not work, punishments range from sending children to separate rooms to a withdrawal of treats “for gross misdemeanours.“ In the heat of the moment, it is easy to be rash. Dr Lewis recently forbade Tom from playing in a long-awaited football game but relented without losing face by making him tidy up his room as an alternative correction.
Sarcasm, adds Dr Lewis, is a handy retort for the common childish accusation that ‘you love her better because you never tell her off’. If he replies ‘yes, that’s right,’ in a joking way, it takes the power away from Tom’s statement because his son can see his father is not taking him seriously. Ask yourself too if there’s a grain of truth in the complaint, says Tim Kahn, father of two and co-ordinator of Parent Network, an advisory organisation. “Pay some attention to the aggressor and find out why he’s behaving badly.”
This is precisely the stage when one feels like smacking. So what does the organisation End Physical Punishment of Children advise? The best method is diversion, says Peter Newell, the organisation’s co-ordinator and father of Finn, aged two, Joe, five, and Matthew, six. “If the two-year-old has the five-year-old’s construction bricks, I produce something which the younger one is equally interested in.”
“And how about multi-age activities like cooking? That’s something you can get all the children involved in. Introduce laughter – arguments often start because a parent is tired. It’s easy for that mood of desperation to affect them. When I come home at night, I stand on the doorstep for a few moments to ask myself what kind of mood I am in and to jolly myself up.”
Analysing your own reactions is wise according to Dr Penny Munn, a psychologist at Strathclyde University, who (with Dr Judy Dunn) studied 43 toddlers and their siblings at play. “Mothers who reprimanded children by talking about feelings (‘He didn’t mean to hurt you’) had more effect than those who simply said ‘Don’t do that’”, Dr Munn says. She confesses to being ‘speechless with admiration’ at other techniques displayed by mothers who would ‘nip in with drinks or other diversions when the atmosphere got tricky’.
Persuading your children to sort out their own fracas is a technique learned by Jan and Peter Breed through a counselling course run by Parent Network. “If they’re arguing over a toy, get them to tell you their side of the story,” advises Mrs Breed, whose offspring (Rhiannon, aged seven, Cerys, five, and Joel, two) are constantly at each other’s throats. (The baby – 12 week old Sadie – is as yet too young to join in.) “Then say: ‘This is the situation. You want it and he wants it so what are you going to do about it?’ They usually come up with a solution such as taking it in turns.”
If all else fails, tell yourself that sibling arguments can be positive. So says Dr Lynn Beardsall, a psychologist at Sunderland University who sat in on 20 six-year-olds with their older brothers or sisters aged between seven and 12 when writing her thesis on conflicts between siblings. “Younger children who had had physical fights with older brothers or sisters were best at identifying how people feel. We tested them by playing audio tapes of adults discussing their own problems. These children were more sensitive at identifying with the dilemma than others.” The study also revealed that out of the younger children, those who were most often the victim were better peace keepers partly because they had learnt sharing and negotiation strategies.
Gender, too, made a difference. Boys tended to be more physically aggressive, whereas girls favoured the sneaky pinch. There was also proof that some fighters are best left alone. “One third of the children reached a mutually acceptable solution over an argument without parental interference,” Dr Beardsall says. “I watched some very nasty punch-ups which mothers ignored before the children sorted it out themselves.”
Questions
What positive effects can sibling rivalry have?
What do you consider to be acceptable / unacceptable methods for punishing quarrelling children?
How do you think sibling rivalry differs between boys and girls?
Should children have ‘rights’?