Relativism

Does the failure of moral absolutism mean total moral rela­tivism? Not at all, no more than the failure of conceptual absolutism means total conceptual relativism. As we saw in our study of the metaphors for morality, those metaphors are not arbitrary or random. They are strongly constrained by what morality is fundamentally about: promoting human well-being. The basic forms of well-being—health, strength, wealth, and so on—constrain the possibilities for metaphors for morality. Even basic forms of parenting-experience— Strict Father and Nurturant Parent—seem to provide a lim­ited range of versions of the overall forms of moral systems. Research in cognitive science on the embodiment of mind shows that, despite enormous possibilities for variation, the variations are not unlimited and not random. They are con­strained by various aspects of our biology and our experience functioning in the physical and social world. For an in-depth discussion of why conceptual variation and change does not lead to anything like total relativism, see References, A2, Lakoff 1987, chap. 18.

Nuriurant Parenting and a Nurturant Society

Finally we must take up one more question. Why does the existence of conceptual variation, imperfect communication, and the failure of folk behaviorism not lead to the same problems for Nurturant Parent morality? To see why, return for a moment to childrearing. In the Nurturant Parent model, constant communication, interaction, and discussion are cru­cial. As Berry Brazelton observes over and over in Touch-points, one must always tell a child why you are doing what you are doing, ask her opinion, ask how she feels, respect her feelings, take her suggestions, while sticking to what you think needs to be done unless your child makes a better suggestion. This process requires constant communication and negotiation of meaning. It assumes that meanings will be different and that communication will be imperfect. It assumes that if you keep communicating, note communication failures, attribute respect and goodwill to both parties, and continue to communicate, you will get to the point where the differences in communication and the variations in mean­ing won't occur all that much, or matter all that much. What keeps the process of communication going is secure attach­ment, affection and affectionate behavior, mutual respect, empathy, commitment, clarity of expectations, and trust. That does not apply just to childrearing. It can apply to human interactions in general. That is what overcomes meaning-variations and imperfect communication.

What takes the place of the strict rules of the Strict Father model is clarity of expectations and empathy. What takes the place of reward and punishment is interdependence, com­munication, and a true desire to remain affectionately con­nected to those you live with.

Facing Difficulties

But what happens when the people in your community either want to dominate you or feel no affectionate connections to you or to anyone else? The only answer to date has been to do everything you can to build a nurturant community and extend it more and more to others over time. That is difficult and takes a long time and a lot of commitment and a lot of communication. But the nurturance model in general is difficult to follow and just does take a long time and a lot of commitment and a lot of communication. As with childrearing, there are no easy alternatives. But the Strict Father model is no alternative at all.

Again, as with creating a nurturant family life, it would be unreasonable to expect that creating a nurturant society should be easy or quick. One must be patient and ready to deal with frustration. And one must bear in mind the morality of happiness and self-nurturance. In the midst of frustration, you must find a way to be basically happy and to take care of yourself. If you don't, you will become less nurturant.

Women have known throughout history that nurturance is a way of life. Many men have instinctively learned it from their mothers and their nurturant fathers. But the challenge in contemporary America is to create a nurturant society when a significant portion of that society has been raised either by authoritarian or neglectful parents.

America is between moral worlds and there is only one way to turn.