I shrug. "I went back there this morning."

She comes and sits on my lap, hugging me close. "Deep inside, Jude Krane, you're a very, special person." We kiss then. I know I'm not going to score. I don't want to. This is not a victory: it's a beginning.

"Where did you say you lived?" I ask.

"Durango, Colorado."

"I might be up that way for a few months. Could I stay with you?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Three Wiser Women

They had been the forward line on the Kennedy High school Basketball team in the glory days when Kennedy had taken the championship three years in a row. That was twenty odd years ago now, when Cheers was on TV and Michael Jackson was still considered cute. In a way, you could sum up their personalities and lives by the history of the 1980s.

Ashley Jane Gorski was all about: Against All Odds, ET, just say no to drugs, electing George Bush, and wondering what would happen to all Marcos' shoes once she left the Philippines. Barbara Bronwen Williams (BB) was: "We are the World", Miami Vice, Chernobyl, and Tiananmen Square, while May Li was about: "Kiss" by Prince, Indiana Jones, the fall of the Berlin Wall, and An Officer and a Gentleman.

Ash had studied business and married the boss. BB had taken journalism and was a war correspondent for a TV network and May had become a nurse to help put her husband through medicine. Placed on a time line they were middle America, not so far radical as to be sociably unacceptable, or so conservative as to be out of touch with the times, but middle of the road. The tart-sweet filling in America's apple pie dream. At least that's how BB saw it as she hoisted her camera case higher on her shoulder for the dash across the traffic.

BB never crossed at the corner with the lights. For a while she'd lived in Toronto, Canada. What stuck out on her mind about Canadians was that they stopped on street corners, piling up in polite groups, and crossed the street when the traffic sign turned green and said to walk. BB would circle around them, dodge honking cars, and would be half way down the block before the light changed, followed by shocked, disapproving Canadian stares.

Every five years, the week before Christmas, they got together to share their lives and to remember their glory days on the court. BB expected to be first and have time for a whiskey and soda before the others arrived. BB had played centre and had been the star of the face-off. May would arrive next, she figured, all out of breath having done half a dozen noble things before she would be free to come. Ash would be fashionably late due to some fund raiser or committee running over time. She was momentarily taken aback, then, to find her old friends sitting in the corner nursing drinks.

"Hi."

The other two looked up in surprise, seeing her for the first time.

"BB! Merry Christmas."

"Sweetie! Happy holidays."

"Hey, you two. Seasons greetings."

They were all on their feet now. Polite hugs all around. Once they patted each others bums and high five. Now they hugged and air kissed.

"Been here long?" BB asked as they settled. It was a conversation starter more than a request for information.

"Not long."

"Just got here."

BB said nothing. Their drinks were nearly gone. Why lie to her? She could guess their secret. She wasn't at all surprised that they'd got together at last.

Ash, ever the diplomat said, "It's been five years, ladies. We have some major catching up to do. BB, Sweetie, where in the world have you been? You've lost even more weight."

BB was still tall, muscular, and lean. Mean dog lean, her last lover had said. Ash was still trim but it was a diet-country club body lacking fat and muscle. May had settled a bit with time. A pretty pear shape. Did she still cry when she came, BB wondered?

She hadn't planned on sleeping with May. May was about commitment and duty and there was that whole cultural thing. May's family was from Hong Kong. They'd been mellow on cheap tavern beer after their first — no, second championship. BB had offered her a ride home on her bike. She'd liked the feel of May's hot thighs pushed against her and her arms wrapped tightly around. The bike had gone on auto pilot and taken them back to BB's boat instead.

In those days BB lived on her dad's sailboat. That boat had really rocked that night. Quiet, refined May turned out to be a wild cat in bed. Not that she had been experienced, she hadn't, but she sure was willing to please. They spent the summer together sailing and making love. BB told May what she liked and May delivered without question. In return, BB tried her best to make May's first lover a good memory.

BB wondered if May remembered how she used to take the boat out at night and drop sails in the bay. She'd strip down to nothing and prop herself up on the cockpit seat. May would curl up between her legs and play with BB until she came. BB's fire-ice blue eyes met May's and she saw a blush creep up the nurse's face. Yeah, she remembered.

"I'll have a whiskey soda."

"Another Tom Collins for me."

"The house white, please."

May watched BB's hand beating a silent tattoo on the arm of her chair. BB was never still. Her restless energy was what had attracted May to her. BB was a storm, fascinating and scary all at once. It hadn't been her husband, Andy, who had taken her virginity but BB's long, strong fingers. In those days BB could wrap her hand around the basketballs just like a guy.

"You should play the piano," May told her one night.

"It wouldn't fit in my saddle bags," BB had murmured from between May's breasts. BB liked breasts. They'd had a wonderful summer of love. Then May got engaged to Andy as her father had wished. Andy never questioned that she wasn't a virgin. Andy needed a wife to work to help him through medical school. May would have liked to have been a doctor but she was a woman and so she married as her father wished and became a nurse so that she could put her husband through medical school.

Their love making had been duty not passion. Missionaries on a pagan mattress-altar sacrificed to old world beliefs and the need to advance in a new land. They'd had no children. Andy's sperm count was low. May would have liked children but not by Andy. It wasn't that she found Andy revolting; they were friends, but she didn't want her kids turning out like Andy. She wanted them to be bold like BB. She'd asked Andy how he would feel about in vitro fertilization. He'd said no. Instead, he arranged for them to adopt a baby son from China. Jason was seventeen now and leaving for college this fall. He wasn't as wild as BB but he wasn't as predictable as Andy either. May was proud him.

"Okay, BB you have your drink, now tell us what you've been up to," Ash insisted.

BB looked into her drink for answers. She often did. So far she hadn't found answers there but she enjoyed looking. How could she tell them? Maybe she would find the words after dinner.

"For a detailed account from your friendly war correspondent overseas tune into the six o'clock news," she drawled.

"Meanie," Ash said but she reached over and gave BB's hand a squeeze. BB was thinner. Gaunt almost. Too much booze, too many memories, and too many years living out of a suitcase, Ashley imagined.

She thought back to when she and BB had been an item in their last season. They'd get high as kites after a game and go on the prowl to the gay bars. Group sex was where it was at, but they always ended the night fucking each other. It was their rule. BB

called the women they brought home warm up games. BB was not partner material but she was very good in bed. BB always slept after and Ash would sit there smoking a cigarette. After sex was the only time she smoked. She smoked a lot that season.

Even now, Ash could remember BB's hands on her. BB liked to play and laugh in bed. She had no inhibitions. There were no rules and no barriers when they were in bed together, other than mutual respect. BB had a deep, mellow voice. Dark syrup. "You feel so good, Babe. Tight and hot. Come for me. I want to eat your cream." BB was hot in those days. Hot and wild and sexy as hell. Now she was scary and remote.

Ash and May had compared notes. Ash felt May was the only woman BB had really loved. May felt BB hadn't loved anyone ever. Privately, they called themselves the BB Rifle Club: well oiled, used, and put away with other childhood memories.

"So what about you, Ash, what's new in your life?"

"Bill divorced me two years ago."

BB showed emotion for the first time. "I'm sorry."

"That's okay. I got myself a good lawyer and took him to the cleaners. All he has to offer his young bimbo is clean underwear and the back seat of his car."

They laughed. But Ash went on more seriously. "I miss the bastard. He cheated on me from day one, but now he has gone he has taken all the misery out of my life. I have nothing to look forward to but tennis, sun bathing, and fundraising."

"Ohhh, poor babe," BB said. Ash gave her a swat. May smiled but said nothing.

"And, May, you?"

"I've been a widow for four years now."

"I'm sorry about that, too," BB said and managed to sound like she meant it this time, too.

May's face was sad. "He died the way he would have wanted to. He had a massive stroke sitting at his desk after a day at his clinic. It was hard on Jason. He'd just started high school but he's okay now. Fortunately, Andy left us very comfortable."

So, her two old friends were single and rich BB thought, just like her, only she wasn't rich.

"And your kids, Ash. How is the litter?"

Ash had three children. Twins girls by Bill and a son by Kyle, the man next door. When his wife found out, she'd made Kyle transfer to the west coast then left him anyway. Stupid really, Ash thought.

She had not been so silly. It was ironic really. In college, she'd been a bit wild. She was still sleeping with BB when she started living with Bill. It used to make Bill excited to hear what she'd done with BB. Once she married, though, she'd been faithful to Bill. Bill on the other hand had been a dog. Before they were married Bill had been besotted and never looked at another woman, even when he found out Ash was screwing BB still. Once the ring was on his finger he started cheating. Bill had seen more motel rooms than a travelling salesman.

"Jill and Mark are finishing their second year at college and Collin will be off this fall."

BB's eyes twinkled. "Maybe one of them will mess up and bring some misery back into your life."

Ash sighed dramatically. "Doubtful. They're way on their way to being Ivy Leaguers. All freshly scrubbed and dating young Republicans."

"I'm so sorry."

"It's a disappointment." More laughter. "Waiter, another round."

They ordered dinner. Ash had crab. May the sole. BB had steak. They were mellow and talkative now, laughing over old jokes and remembrances. Sharing. Caring again. They were the first string strung tight but holding after all these years.

"So I found the bastard in the backyard hot tub with this twenty year old."

"Oh my God!"

"So what did you do?"

"Turned the pressure hose on them. I damn near blew him out of the tub. It left red marks all over his hairy body. He looked like he'd tried to screw an octopus."

Laughter.

"So who is in your life, BB?"

"No one."

"No one? Come on BB, there's always someone in your life."

May asked, "Hey, do you remember that time when BB was having it off with the assistant coach?"

"They were like randy mink in the back of the bus."

"Not so!"

"Was so."

"She must have been nearly twice your age, BB."

"She had wonderful breasts."

"They were real?"

"Oh my God!" More laughter. The bill came quickly. The management wanted them out of there. The drink had made their talk free and loud. They rolled out onto the street in a wave of giggles.

"Hey, I'm not ready to go home. It's the Christmas Season and time for some fun. I got Bill's yacht and club membership in the settlement. Let's go sailing for old times sake?"

They piled into May's Honda. BB drove. BB always drove. She held her liquor well. The yacht was a dream boat. A thirty-six foot sloop finished in teak and brass. BB took command and, standing at the wheel, she smiled. Once again, she was truly happy. The wind caught the sails and the hull heeled. The bow slicing the liquid and spreading it wide at BB's command. She was in her element.

Out on the ocean, out of sight of land with the stars bright overhead, they dropped sails and floated on the current. Ash served coffee and Oreo cookies.

"Merry Christmas to us and another good five years until we meet again," she toasted.

"See you then, sister."

"I'm going to die." BB hadn't planned on telling them like that. She had opened her mouth and the words just came out.

The words pierced May's defences, sending a wad of cold pain to her soul. "Oh God. BB what's the matter? Have you seen a specialist? I could find you—"

BB held up a hand. "I've seen some of the best. It's cancer of the liver. There's nothing that can be done. I didn't want to under go treatment that would only slow the inevitable. I wanted to be as healthy and active as I could be for as long as I could."

May was crying now. Huge, pearl tears that ran down her face unchecked.

It took Ash a few seconds to get her mind around BB's words. BB was strong. BB always won. This couldn't be happening to BB. "It's a mistake. It's got to be. BB, it can't be true." Her voice shook with angry emotion. She felt betrayed. Miracles were to happen at Christmas not horrors.

BB smiled and pulled both women into her arms. "It's no mistake, but thanks for caring," she whispered hoarsely. They were all crying now: for BB, for themselves, for the injustice of life. They formed a ring — a womb of pain from which they could not push themselves free.

"It's so unfair, BB," May sobbed.

"Life is. I can't complain."

"What about a liver transplant?" Ash was still not prepared to accept BB's words.

"Transplants are not done on cancer patients. We're bad risks."

"It's just not right."

They clung to each other, afraid to let go because then it would be true.

It was finally Ash who pulled back and wiped her eyes, smearing her mascara and for once not caring at all. "Do you know how long you have?" she asked, her voice sore and tight.

BB looked at her watch. "Until today at dawn."

"What?" May sank to the cockpit seat.

BB's face showed a mix of anger and determination. "I'm not going to waste away in some hospital ward. You know me. I'm going out on my terms. I need you to understand."

"How?" Ash asked in a small voice. She looked at her hero, willing BB to make this a winning situation. BB always came through in the big games. Always.

"I figured after I saw you guys, I'd wait on the beach until dawn and then swim out until I sank. I've always loved the water." Silence. Then she said more, with some awkwardness. "I've left you two everything. It's not much. You know me, I travel light, but I wanted my last gift to be to you two."

May asked, "Why us?"

"You two were constants." There was nothing left to say. They sat in silence, sipping coffee to ward off the cold of shock and drifting aimlessly in the night. Locked in their own personal misery.

A moon rose. Ash suddenly stood and started to remove her clothes. "A change in the game plan, BB. We're going to be there for your last play of the game." She looked at May, who nodded trustingly. "One more night together and then, BB, you can walk the plank at dawn like the pirate you are." Her voice shook with emotion and tears streamed, but her determination broke them free.

BB laughed, her eyes sparkling like they had years ago.

Naked breasts hanging, Ash leaned forward and took BB's head in her hands, kissing her like she had when they'd been lovers. May stood and stripped while Ash worked on removing BB's shirt.

Their love making was the final game. The ball in BB's court. Their defence against death was the joy of living on the edge, if only for this one over time match. The score keeper had stopped the clock and they played on, skin sweating, hands reaching, bod-

ics grinding. Fighting for that final shot. After, May cried softly. Ash smoked and BB slept. They drifted. Stars under stars. Playing the game over in memories and dreams. When BB woke she kissed each of them.

May cried again. "I'm not sure I can let you do this."

Ash held on to her. "BB, there are new breakthroughs everyday. If you were to wait—"

"No. I've waited long enough. I'm weakening. I can feel it. This is not the person I want to be. I know this is hard for you, but this is a very special gift I need you to give me."

Ash sat up and pushed her hair back, trying to compose herself before she spoke. "Look at us, BB. Neither of us were the women we wanted to be. May did what her family expected of her because it was the honourable thing to do and I did what society expected of me. We lived lies all our lives. Sometimes you have to compromise for others. For us. We need you."

"I've tried never to compromise who I am. Would you want me to now?"

May sniffed back tears. "Was it a better path, BB?"

"Yes, but it was a much harder, lonelier path."

"Maybe women like us can never really find happiness," Ash sighed.

BB gave her a hug. "Happiness? You make it yourself anyway you can. I don't think it's out there somewhere. Hell, I've been all over the world and the only place I have found it is within myself, and then not all the time. May, have you ever been happy?"

"Sure, most of the time."

"Ash."

"I guess."

"Then you need to let me go because I know being in control of my own fate will be a final act of happiness. I know it's not your way, but it's mine. I need you to respect that. It will be your Christmas gift to me. Can you understand that?"

Her two friends nodded reluctantly.

"I feel truly free at last and...happy." They were silent, too overwhelmed with the moment to speak. They watched as BB walked to the bow and climbed up on the railing. She balanced there like some beautiful figure head on some ancient ship.

The moonlight highlighted her naked form. She dived — jack-knifing into the water, her long, lean body thrusting into warm depths. White cream bubbled around her entry. They waited until her strong head rose again. BB turned and looked at her two friends.

"Thanks for understanding. Thanks for always being there."

May swallowed hard and tried to hold back her sobs and her need to jump in and pull BB out. "Have a good swim, BB. We love you."

Tears rolled down Ash's face and her fingernails dug deeply into May's hand. "See you on the court next time round."

BB turned and swam away in measured, powerful strokes. They stood side by side, holding hands, crying, watching until the yellow ball spewed milky beads across the dark waters.

"How far can she go?"

"All the way. It's BB"

"Merry Christmas, BB. Touch the sun for us. You'll always be with us." They took their time stowing the sails not wanting to leave. When the sun was high and in their eyes, they motored back to harbour. It would be a sad Christmas, but in their hearts they knew they had given the greatest gift they could to their friend — the freedom to be who she was.

Christmas Moments

The Arrival

The plane was crowded with people heading home for the Christmas holidays. Colette Dumont was not heading home. Home was in the Laurentian Mountain region of Quebec, where her family ran a small organic vegetable farm. Instead, she was heading to Georgia to spend Christmas with her new wife's family. It would be strange to have a Christmas without snow. She looked over at Ami Bassin-dale, who sat beside her on the plane, and smiled. "What are you thinking?"

"Nothing, just that I'm very happy."

"I'm surprised, after what you've told me about your family, that we were invited for Christmas. I thought they might have a little difficulty with you having married me."

"Well, actually, I mean-"

Colette's eyes widened and a dread washed through her body. "You did tell them about me?"

"Well sure, I told them I'd got married. And they've known for sometime that I'm a lesbian."

"But you didn't tell them you married a woman?"

Ami bit her lip and looked nervous. "Not in so many words. No."

Colette rolled her eyes and thumped her head back against the seat.

"It was just hard to work into a short conversation, Col. We had so little time before we left. You don't know my parents. They are the salt of the earth type. My mother is the charming wife and hostess and my father runs an orchard on part of the old family plantation. They're down home, decent people, and they try their best to understand me. It hasn't been easy for them. Mom thinks I'm a lot like my great grandmother Gertie. She ran the plantation after her father died and also wrote local history and did water colours. We still have them and they're quite a detailed and accurate record of life in the south."

"So you're a genetic throw back, eh?" Col muttered.

"Well, I'm the only person in the family who went to university and got a doctorate. I've spent a good deal of my student life explaining to my family how a degree in art history could be useful.

But mom and dad have always been there for me, even If they didn't understand. I'm sure they'll be supportive of our marriage."

Colette sighed and turned her head to look back at her partner again. She smiled. "Well, this certainly will be a Christmas no one will ever forget."

"It'll be okay. I mean, they didn't approve of my lifestyle but they didn't throw me out or anything."

"Have you ever brought anyone home before?"

"Well, no."

"Do they have guns?"

"Sure."

"Maybe, I'll just jump now and get it over with."

Ami laughed. "It'll be fine. Well okay, maybe it might be a little difficult at first but I know they are going to love you."