- •I winced as Carlisle did something to my arm that stung.
- •If she hadn't been in my line of sight, I wouldn't have noticed Alice give up and steal out of the room. With a tiny, apologetic smile on her lips, she disappeared through the kitchen doorway.
- •I couldn't imagine anyone, deity included, who wouldn't be impressed by Carlisle. Besides, the only kind of heaven I could appreciate would have to include Edward.
- •I immediately thought of Edward's words this afternoon: unless you want to die–or whatever it is that we do. The lightbulb flicked on over my head.
- •I nodded in fervent agreement.
- •I didn't answer. I imagined what my life would be like if Carlisle had resisted the temptation to change his lonely existence… and shuddered.
- •I felt bad about that later. It was more painful and lingering than necessary.
- •I cringed at his remoteness. 'Tell me you forgive me."
- •I racked my brain for some way to salvage the evening. When we pulled up in front of my house, I still hadn't come up with anything.
- •I hopped out, reaching back in for my packages. He frowned.
- •I collapsed back onto my pillow, gasping, my head spinning. Something tugged at my memory, elusive, on the edges.
- •I swallowed, trying to dislodge the sudden lump in my throat. The guilt made my head bow and my shoulders slump. I'd run them out of their home, just like Rosalie and Emmett. I was a plague.
- •It was hard to even remember the reason for all this mess. My birthday already felt like the distant past. If only Alice would come back. Soon. Before this got any more out of hand.
- •I didn't answer. I couldn't think of a way to protest, but I instantly knew that I wanted to. I didn't like this. This is bad, this is very bad, the voice in my head repeated again and again.
- •I took a deep breath, too. This was an acceptable option. I thought I was prepared. But I still had to ask.
- •I shook my head back and forth mechanically, trying to clear it. He waited without any sign of impatience. It took a few minutes before I could speak.
- •It was black for a long time before I heard them calling.
- •I nodded and closed my eyes obediently.
- •I could tell he didn't want to answer. He looked at the floor under his knees. "They're celebrating the news." His tone was bitter.
- •I shook my head, recoiling. The sound of his name unleashed the thing that was clawing inside of me–a pain that knocked me breathless, astonished me with its force.
- •I sighed. "Then tell me what you do want me to do."
- •I glowered at him. The heat almost, but not quite, reached my face. It had been a long time since I'd blushed with any emotion.
- •I grimaced when Mr. Varner dismissed the class five minutes early. He smiled like he was being nice.
- •It amounted to the same thing.
- •I shrugged. "Just scared."
- •I smiled back, and something clicked silently into place, like two corresponding puzzle pieces. I'd forgotten how much I really liked Jacob Black.
- •It wasn't like I'd saved up enough to go anywhere special–and besides, I had no desire to leave Forks anyway. What difference would it make if I skimmed a little bit off the top?
- •I nodded. "Nice to meet you, too."
- •I shook my head. "No way. I'm bankrolling this party. You just have to supply the labor and expertise."
- •I talked to him at work, didn't I? Did I? I thought so…
- •I nodded, trying to look embarrassed. "It was pretty scary."
- •I sighed It was like I was starting all over again.
- •I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing here. Was I trying to push myself back into the zombie stupor? Had I turned masochistic
- •I knew that part of the reason I did this was the nightmare, now that I was really awake, the nothingness of the dream gnawed on my nerves, a dog worrying a bone.
- •I was hoping that déjà vu was the key.
- •I didn't answer right away, either, and he glanced up to check my expression.
- •I made a gesture indicating the two of us as a single entity. He liked that–he beamed.
- •I was driving slowly,
- •I was surprised to hear Sam Uley's name. I didn't want it to bring back the images from my nightmare, so I made a quick observation to distract myself. "You don't like them very much."
- •I spoke quickly again to divert myself from the bleak memories. "Isn't Sam a little too old for this kind of thing?"
- •I stared at Jacob, biting my lip anxiously–he was really frightened. But he didn't look at me.
- •I asked. His horror was spreading to me. I had chills running on the back of my neck.
- •I threw my arms around him instinctively, wrapping them around his waist and pressing my face against his chest. He was so big, I felt like I was a child hugging a grown-up.
- •It took four more kicks before the ignition caught. I could feel the bike rumbling beneath me like an angry animal. I gripped the clutch until my fingers ached.
- •I was dizzy and confused. It sounded like there were three things snarling–the bike over me, the voice in my head, and something else…
- •I clapped my hand over my head. Sure enough, it was wet and sticky. I could smell nothing but the damp moss on my face, and that held off the nausea.
- •I was going to compliment him, but I caught myself. No doubt he'd add another few years to his inflated age.
- •I laughed too, glad to have Jacob back to normal.
- •I saw a chance and took it without taking time to think it through.
- •I raised one eyebrow. "Some people are hard to discourage."
- •I towed Mike out into the cool, wet air. He inhaled deeply. Jacob was right behind us. He helped me get Mike into the back of the car, and handed him the bucket with a serious gaze.
- •I could barely hear his answer. "I don't think I have the same thing you did."
- •I stood for a moment with the phone still in my hand.
- •I knew it was just because I was alone, missing Jacob's carefree whistle and the sound of another pair of feet squishing across the damp ground.
- •I couldn't swallow. My foot started to ease back, but I froze when his red eyes flickered down to catch the movement.
- •I staggered back another step. The frantic growling in my head made it hard to hear.
- •I shook my head, though I must have been starving. I hadn't eaten all day.
- •I crossed over to the wrong side of the road to stop next to him. He looked up when the roar of my truck approached.
- •I looked at Quil eagerly, waiting for his answer. He stared out the windshield for a second before he spoke. "From a distance," he finally said.
- •I nodded. "Jake told me…before."
- •I was surprised and distracted as the warning words came in Edward's voice again, when I wasn't even scared.
- •I chased him back to the truck. "Wait!" I called as he turned toward the house.
- •I didn't believe that this was really what Jacob wanted to say. It seemed like there was something else trying to be said through his angry eyes, but I couldn't understand the message.
- •I blinked my wet blurry eyes, suddenly sure that I was dreaming.
- •I looked up at him, the tears not yet dried on my cheeks. "Why in the world would I be okay, Jacob?"
- •I shook my head wearily. "I don't understand anything."
- •I let my head fall into my hands. My question came out muffled by my arm. "Why?"
- •I blinked twice, trying to clear my head. I was so tired. Nothing he said made sense.
- •I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate. "You asked about my truck…"
- •In order to pump him for information.
- •I made a weak grimace. "I'll try."
- •In his place was an enormous, red-brown wolf with dark, intelligent eyes.
- •I clutched my head in my hands, trying to keep it from exploding.
- •I stepped back out, and shut the door quietly behind me.
- •I flinched away from his hostile expression. He seemed to be waiting for an answer, so I shook my head.
- •I stared at him blankly for one second before I understood. Then the blood drained from my face and a thin, wordless cry of horror broke through my lips.
- •I thought about that carefully. "When you were mad before…when I was yelling at you… and you were shaking…?"
- •It wasn't over.
- •I thought that would bother you."
- •I started the truck and headed back up the road.
- •In the same second, Jacob was running across the road straight for the monster.
- •I turned to stare at him – my wide eyes felt frozen, like I couldn't even blink them.
- •I tried to comfort myself with their lack of concern, but I couldn't drive the brutal image of the fighting werewolves from my head. My stomach churned, sore and empty, my head ached with worry.
- •I frowned at him. "Why would I stare?"
- •I noticed that Emily didn't particularly like that Sam would be in the smaller grouping. Her worry had me glancing up at Jacob, worrying, too.
- •It did mean something to me. I couldn't imagine that – the wolves running faster than a vampire. When the Cullens ran, they all but turned invisible with speed.
- •I hesitated a second. This felt like a question he would ask of his spy, not his friend. But what was the point of hiding what I knew? It didn't matter now, and it would help him control himself.
- •I realized that I was still. There was no tug of the current on me – the heaving was inside my head. The surface under me was flat and motionless. It felt grainy against my bare arms.
- •I tried to open my eyes. It took me a minute, but then I could see the dark, purple clouds, flinging the freezing rain down at me. "Jake?" I croaked.
- •It was my turn to shudder, though I wasn't so cold here, right next to his ridiculous body heat.
- •I swallowed hard.
- •I thought he would be thinking of Harry, but then he spoke, and his tone was apologetic.
- •If I turned my face to the side – if I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder...I knew without any doubt what would follow. It would be very easy. There would be no need for explanations tonight.
- •I froze.
- •It was just Carlisle, I told myself.
- •I glanced at him, ripping my unwilling eyes off the Mercedes – terrified that it would disappear the second I looked away.
- •I nodded sheepishly.
- •I sighed and let my head hang back, staring at the ceiling. "That's going to be a problem."
- •Instead, we talked about her family – all but one.
- •I didn't know what to say, and, after a short pause, Alice moved on to lighter topics.
- •I stared at her, putting it together. "You can't see werewolves?"
- •I locked gazes with first Jared and then Embry – I didn't like the hard way they eyed me; did they really think I would let anything hurt Jacob? – before I shut the door on them.
- •I followed him. He paced back and forth along the short counter.
- •I glared at him, annoyance rekindled. "Well, run along now. Go tell Sam that the scary monsters aren't coming to get you."
- •I recovered myself and held out my hand for the phone. Jacob ignored me.
- •I labored to pull myself up despite the dizziness. I realized it was Jacob's arm I was gripping for balance. He was the one shaking, not the couch.
- •I reminded him.
- •It took the length of one heartbeat for me to comprehend.
- •I stared at her with my jaw clenched in frustration. I'd heard nothing yet that would explain why we were still standing here.
- •I shook my head, tears spattering from my eyes with the sharp motion. I pulled my arm free, and he didn't fight me.
- •I just nodded in time with my bouncing.
- •I tried to tune out what Alice was murmuring to Jasper; I didn't want to hear the words again, but some slipped through.
- •I realized why her eyes begged for my understanding. She was protecting Jasper, at our expense, and maybe at Edward's, too. I understood, and I did not think badly of her. I nodded.
- •I ground my teeth in mute frustration.
- •I leaned closer to Alice. Her lips were at my ears as she breathed the story.
- •I thought about it. "Nope, I have no idea."
- •I shrugged.
- •I touched her arm.
- •It wasn't enough to make me hopeful, to make me feel the relief she obviously felt.
- •I sighed. "I really wish you could have been right about me. In the beginning, when you first saw things about me, before we even met…"
- •I stared at her, frozen with shock. Instantly, my mind resisted her words. I couldn't afford that kind of hope if she changed her mind.
- •I bit my lip. "If you don't do it now, you'll change your mind."
- •I ran to the door and threw myself in, feeling as though I might as well be wearing a black stocking over my head.
- •It was crowded, and the foot traffic slowed our progress.
- •I peeked under Edward's other arm to see a small, dark shape coming toward us. By the way the edges billowed, I knew it would be another one of them. Who else?
- •Verdict
- •In the middle of the room was a high, polished mahogany counter. I gawked in astonishment at the woman behind it.
- •I glanced at Edward's hard face, and wondered how his mood could have been darker before.
- •I wanted to groan when Edward pulled me through to the other side of the door. It was the same ancient stone as the square, the alley, and the sewers. And it was dark and cold again.
- •I stared in shock as he called our names informally, as if we were old friends dropping in for an unexpected visit.
- •I was the slowest to turn.
- •I looked at Marcus's dead face, and I believed that.
- •I turned back to Aro and raised my hand slowly in front of me. It was trembling.
- •I didn't even meet her gaze. I watched Edward from the prison of Alice's arms, still struggling pointlessly.
- •I looked at Jane, too, and she no longer smiled. She glared at me, her jaw clenched with the intensity of her focus. I shrank back, waiting for the pain.
- •It was the white-haired Caius who broke the silence.
- •It might be nice if she did change though, Alice thought to herself, then Edward could see her as a vampire and that might make him rethink this ridiculous idea of keeping her human.
- •I stared up at her, frightened, but she only seemed chagrined. It was then that I first heard the babble of voices – loud, rough voices – coming from the antechamber.
- •I knew it was stupid to react like this. Who knew how much time I had to look at his face?
- •I was relieved there was another way out; I wasn't sure if I could handle another tour through the underground.
- •I stretched as he spoke. I was so stiff.
- •I groaned. "Fabulous."
- •I'd really been hoping to put off this part of our last conversation. It was going to bring things to an end so much sooner.
- •I shook my head while the tears continued to ooze from the corners of my eyes.
- •I stared at him darkly for a long moment. "The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you – and there's nothing you can do about it!"
- •I grimaced. "Be serious, please."
- •I wanted to believe him. But this was my life without him that he was describing, not the other way around.
- •I asked a different one. Almost – but not quite – as hard.
- •I rolled my eyes. "The worst the Volturi can do is kill me."
- •I liked the idea of time. "Okay," I agreed.
- •I only wanted to take away the agony in his eyes, but as I spoke the words, they sounded truer than I expected they would.
- •I wasn't sure how to explain. "Do you remember what Alice said about extreme sports?"
- •I thought of that night in Port Angeles when I'd had my first delusion. I'd come up with two options. Insanity or wish fulfillment. I'd seen no third option.
- •I was deeply relieved that he really seemed to understand – comforted that this all made sense to him. At any rate, he wasn't looking at me like I was crazy. He was looking at me like…he loved me.
- •I shuddered. He took that as a yes.
- •I cringed away, my hands over my ears.
- •I stared at him, waiting… "Okay. What's the punch line?"
- •I looked away, out the dark window, trying to control the panic before it gave me away.
- •I interrupted him. "Another misunderstanding."
I glared at him, annoyance rekindled. "Well, run along now. Go tell Sam that the scary monsters aren't coming to get you."
Emmett leaned over, looking like he was about the burst, and whispered "Boo" in Rosalie's ear before laughing.
"Dork," Rosalie rolled her eyes, but the corner of her mouth twitched upwards.
"Okay," he repeated, still calm.
That seemed to be it. Jacob walked swiftly from the kitchen. I waited to hear the front door open, but I heard nothing. I could hear the clock over the stove ticking, and I marveled again at how quiet he'd become.
"Or he's not really gone," Jasper said.
What a disaster. How could I have alienated him so completely in such a short amount of time?
Would he forgive me when Alice was gone? What if he didn't?
"He'll forgive you," Edward said reassuringly and then he frowned. "He doesn't seem to have much choice in the matter."
I slumped against the counter and buried my face in my hands. How had I made such a mess of everything? But what could I have done differently? Even in hindsight, I couldn't think of any better way, any perfect course of action.
"Bella…?" Jacob asked in a troubled voice.
"I knew he wasn't gone," Jasper sighed.
I pulled my face out of my hands to see Jacob hesitating in the kitchen doorway; he hadn't left when I'd thought. It was only when I saw the clear drops sparkling in my hands that I realized I was crying.
Jacob's calm expression was gone; his face was anxious and unsure. He walked quickly back to stand in front of me, ducking his head so that his eyes were closer to being on the same level with mine.
"Did it again, didn't I?"
"Did what?" I asked, my voice cracking.
"Broke my promise. Sorry."
"'S'okay," I mumbled. "I started it this time."
His face twisted. "I knew how you felt about them. It shouldn't have taken me by surprise like that."
"It's hard to change presumptions like this," Edward said. "I will have a hard time too...especially since I won't know everything he's done for her."
I could see the revulsion in his eyes. I wanted to explain to him what Alice was really like, to defend her against the judgments he'd made, but something warned me that now was not the time.
So I just said, "Sorry," again.
"Let's not worry about it, okay? She's just visiting, right? She'll leave, and things will go back to normal."
"Except that's not really what she wants," Emmett grinned. "She wants the vamps to come back."
"Can't I be friends with you both at the same time?" I asked, my voice not hiding an ounce of the hurt I felt.
He shook his head slowly. "No, I don't think you can."
"That will be difficult," Edward groaned. "But I'm sure she's going to try."
"And knowing her…she'll succeed somehow," Alice smiled.
I sniffed and stared at his big feet. "But you'll wait, right? You'll still be my friend, even though I love Alice, too?"
"She love's me!" Alice said in a sing song voice.
"What's not to love," Jasper smiled at her as he took her hand.
I didn't look up, afraid to see what he'd think of that last part. It took him a minute to answer, so I was probably right not to look.
"Yeah, I'll always be your friend," he said gruffly. "No matter what you love."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
I felt his arms wind around me, and I leaned against his chest, still sniffling. "This sucks."
"Yeah." Then he sniffed my hair and said, "Ew."
"I guess he can smell me on her," Alice chuckled. (I guess he can smell me on her)
"Yeah, and it looks like he'll be returning the favor," Emmett added, laughing.
"Argh," Alice groaned.
"What?" I demanded. I looked up to see that his nose was wrinkled again. "Why does everyone keep doing that to me? I don't smell!"
He smiled a little. "Yes, you do – you smell like them. Bleach. Too sweet – sickly sweet. And…icy. It burns my nose."
"Really?" That was strange. Alice smelled unbelievably wonderful. To a human, anyway.
"But why would Alice think I smelled, too, then?"
That wiped his smile away. "Huh. Maybe I don't smell so good to her, either. Huh."
"You got that right!" Emmett chuckled and everyone else seemed to agree with that one.
"Well, you both smell fine to me." I rested my head against him again. I was going to miss him terribly when he walked out my door. It was a nasty catch-22 – on the one hand, I wanted Alice to stay forever. I was going to die – metaphorically – when she left me. But how was I supposed to go without seeing Jake for any length of time? What a mess, I thought again.
"She seems fine as long as Alice is there," Jasper said.
"I'll miss you," Jacob whispered, echoing my thoughts. "Every minute. I hope she leaves soon."
"And there – their thoughts aren't the same," Emmett chuckled.
"It really doesn't have to be that way, Jake."
He sighed. "Yes, it really does. Bella. You…love her. So I'd better not get anywhere near her. I'm not sure that I'm even-tempered enough to handle that. Sam would be mad if I broke the treaty, and"– his voice turned sarcastic – "you probably wouldn't like it too much if I killed your friend."
"Hmph," Alice said, amused. "As if the pup could handle me."
I recoiled from him when he said that, but he only tightened his arms, refusing to let me escape. "There's no point in avoiding the truth. That's the way things are, Bells."
"I do not like the way things are."
"Ah, Bella," Edward chuckled.
Jacob freed one arm so that he could cup his big brown hand under my chin and make me look at him. "Yeah. It was easier when we were both human, wasn't it?"
I sighed.
We stared at each other for a long moment. His hand smoldered against my skin. In my face, I knew there was nothing but wistful sadness – I didn't want to have to say goodbye now, no matter for how short a time. At first his face reflected mine, but then, as neither of us looked away, his expression changed.
He released me, lifting his other hand to brush his fingertips along my cheek, trailing them down to my jaw. I could feel his fingers tremble – not with anger this time. He pressed his palm against my cheek, so that my face was trapped between his burning hands.
Edward froze, looking angry and horrified at this.
"Bella," he whispered.
I was frozen.
No! I hadn't made this decision yet. I didn't know if I could do this, and now I was out of time to think. But I would have been a fool if I thought rejecting him now would have no consequences.
"Don't think like that!" Edward hissed. "Do what you want...don't let your guilt for that mutt control your decisions."
I stared back at him. He was not my Jacob, but he could be. His face was familiar and beloved. In so many real ways, I did love him. He was my comfort, my safe harbor. Right now, I could choose to have him belong to me.
Alice was back for the moment, but that changed nothing. True love was forever lost. The prince was never coming back to kiss me awake from my enchanted sleep. I was not a princess, after all. So what was the fairy-tale protocol for other kisses? The mundane kind that didn't break any spells?
"Don't let them happen," Edward hissed. No matter how fine he said he was with her being with the mutt, he didn't really want to see...or hear...this.
Maybe it would be easy – like holding his hand or having his arms around me. Maybe it would feel nice. Maybe it wouldn't feel like a betrayal. Besides, who was I betraying, anyway? Just myself.
Keeping his eyes on mine, Jacob began to bend his face toward me. And I was still absolutely undecided.
The shrill ring of the phone
"Saved by the bell!" Emmett chuckled.
made us both jump, but it did not break his focus. He took his hand from under my chin and reached over me to grab the receiver, but still held my face securely with the hand against my cheek. His dark eyes did not free mine. I was too muddled to react, even to take advantage of the distraction.
"Swan residence," Jacob said, his husky voice low and intense.
Someone answered, and Jacob altered in an instant. He straightened up, and his hand dropped from my face. His eyes went flat, his face blank, and I would have bet the measly remainder of my college fund that it was Alice.
"Why would I be calling?" Alice muttered, before she started reading again.