What to do if your child's a bully

It's a shattering accusation no parent wants to hear: Your son has been bullying my son. And it raises the very difficult questions of what you should do about it. The good news is there is always a reason why your child is behaving badly - and a way to stop it.

"Learning your child's a bully can be tough for parents, especially if he or she was bullied themselves," says Claude Knights, Kidscape training manager. "Find out why the child is doing it - see if it's learnt behaviour. "Is an older sibling aggressive at home? Are they watching violent TV or playing inappropriate games? "Bullying can start very young. At one nursery a child was biting others. His mum had just had a new baby and the child was feeling left out."

PRIMARY SCHOOL CHILDREN

WHY THEY DO IT

"Young children fall out over little things which escalate into bullying, particularly name-calling," says Liz Carnell, director of Bullying Online. "The bullying is usually verbal, and face-to-face."

Claude Knights adds: "Look at what's going on in their lives. I met an eight-year-old bully. One of her grandparents died and she didn't go to the funeral so there was no closure. She started being nasty to her friends. The class teacher noticed and got the parents together. The bereavement was discussed and the little girl was given emotional support which helped."

HOW TO STOP IT

Choose a time when your child is relaxed and have a chat. Sometimes simply asking how they're feeling will encourage them to tell you about things that have upset them. If their teacher has told you that they're bullying Toby, you could ask how Toby is and say, 'I thought you were friends?'

Young children often aren't aware that calling someone names or taking their friends away is bullying. Explain that what they're doing is wrong. Ask how they'd feel if someone bullied them. Remind them of a time when they were upset and how that felt. Encourage them to make friends with the child they have bullied. Tell them to say sorry to the other child. Ask the class teacher for help. She might be able to talk to the class generally about bullying and nip it in the bud.

It's not a good idea to approach the other child's parents, as bullying is an issue which makes emotions run high. You don't know how they will react and you don't want the situation to worsen. If you do want to discuss it with the other parents, ask the teacher to be there too.

PRE-TEENS

WHY THEY DO IT

"This is the age that children are moving schools and there are friendship issues," says John Quinn, development director of the charity Beatbullying. "A child may have been popular in primary school, but at secondary school they're a small fish in a very big pond. At this age, children become aware of things people own and appearances. Some children realise they're different - and become aggressive. Others may be bullied and become bullies in turn - eight out of 10 bullies were once bullied."

HOW TO STOP IT

Encourage your child to make friends with many different children so they don't feel left behind by their old friends. Invite other children round to your home after school. Explain the consequences of bullying. Tell them that they have made someone feel really bad. It's not unknown for bullied children to take overdoses. Your child might not be aware of how much their actions can upset others.

If the bullying is racist, tell them it's illegal. Get them to apologise to their victim - it reinforces a sense of right and wrong. Warn your child that if they continue to bully other children, people will only be friends with them because they're scared not to be, not because they really like them.

If they've been bullying by text, which often starts at this age, take their phone away. You could also ground them. If your child is bullying because they're angry, talk to them about relaxation techniques or ask a school mentor to help them. For instance you can teach them to slowly count backwards from 20 to stop them lashing out without thinking.

TEENAGERS

WHY THEY DO IT

"Often, girls have very close relationships with two or three friends and they tell each all their secrets," says Liz Carnell. "If they fall out, it's common for the ex-friends to tell other people the secrets, which can result in bullying. "Some children bully a person they're jealous of - maybe the other person is a high-flyer or has a boyfriend your child likes. Teenagers have access to mobile phones and the internet, and they often use these as tools to bully with."

Quinn adds: "Children this age are more sophisticated bullies. They're very aware of who's skinny and who's fat. They're constantly reminded about what they have and don't have and are much more aware of race and family background and other life perceptions. "Some kids who don't have enough confidence tend to put other people down."

HOW TO STOP IT

Stop Internet bullying immediately. Point out they could end up in trouble with the police. If they've put a posting about someone on the internet it's easy for police to discover who did it. Teens are old enough to be aware of their own behaviour, and the consequences. Talk to your teenager and if they don't understand that what they are doing is bullying, think about getting psychiatric help. If they are texting nasty messages, confiscate their phone. Question why they're behaving this way. They may simply be bored. Help them find a new interest. Help them confront their prejudices. If you're watching TV and your child says, 'That's so gay!' challenge their attitudes.

Questions and Tasks:

1. How you should know if you child is a victim of bulling or a bully himself?

2. Who should be blamed – parents, friends, school, staff, co-workers?

3. What are the reasons for bullying?

4. What types of bulling do you know? What is the difference?

5. Who can be the target for bulling?

6. How this person should change the situation?

7. Changing the surroundings/ moving away is the best way to forget about humiliation and start anew. Don’t you agree?